Lately, I find myself wanting a baby, even though I generally do not like kids.
It all started when I was still in college and went to the children's service at my church. Usually, I dodge these services because the kids cannot sing, I hate their never-ending little ribbon dances, and they are just overall annoying. But this particular service the kids sang and I cried. They just looked so cute!
Needless to say, I was turned off by my emotions.
Now, whenever I see a baby I have to stop and comment on how cute he or she is and dangle my fingers in its face and do that annoying baby talk. It's like I separate from myself, and I see myself mingling with the baby and I'm like, "Quit it!" But I can't.
Don't worry, I'm not going to have a baby. I actually can't think of anything more devastating to my future than having a baby right now, but I do think about them a lot.
These feelings have even spilled into how I look at men. If I find myself liking a guy a small voice will say in my head, "He would make a good father," which is odd because, due to my own personal daddy issues and issues with men in general, I always felt that if I did have a kid, I would probably be a single mother.
So what do I do? Do I ignore my urges forever and one day possibly regret it, or do I one day have a kid and hate myself for giving up all my freedoms and dedicating my life to a little person who will one day leave me?
I guess it is too soon to tell. Until I get my life figured out, I guess I will just satisfy my mommy needs by catching as many children's services as possible.
God, it is starting to hit me too...a combination of stuff.
ReplyDeleteI DON'T want one right now. I thank God on mothers day and on broke no money in my account days that I don't have some kid looking at me expecting a meal and some shoes.
But....I saw this show where someone had a baby and actually for the first time thought it would be so awesome to hold my own one day...
Maybe my clock is starting to tick. But I hope it does it slowly and quietly cause I am busy.