The Homecoming Crumble

I asked Bells yesterday if she had ordered any new dresses for our college homecoming. She said that she hadn't because she wouldn't feel comfortable in a dress. She hasn't been going to the gym as much, and she is not 100% on her body right now. I was surprised to hear this because Sheena has a great physique, and she eats right. I think that she is simply experiencing what I call "The Homecoming Crumble". That is when you are about to go to homecoming and then all of a sudden you are too ugly and too fat to exist, forget about ordering an outfit for the day party. Other girlfriends have confided in me about this, but I have not heard any men mention having any anxieties around their appearance before homecoming. 

"You never hear a guy say that he isn't going to come to the tailgate because he put on ten pounds and won't look good from the back in his cargo shorts," I pointed out to Bells. 

"That's because they either are not talking about it or not talking about it or just not talking about it," she replied. Man, if my college brothers are suffering from The Homecoming Crumble, I wish they would talk about it. Then all us girls wouldn't feel like we were losing our minds!

I do feel that I have gone into my Hillary Clinton era early when it comes to my appearance. I love my college family, but they will be lucky to catch me with earrings on. No big money was spent on new clothes. I will be wearing my hair the same boring way I have worn it for ages. I am excited to see everyone, but the desire to do myself up just isn't there. I am finding that when you begin to give up hope on ever finding a man, you no longer waste time thinking about if you have on the proper bra or if your shoes match your handbag. That may be a post for another time.

Crumble or no crumble, I plan to enjoy myself at homecoming amongst the sexy ladies that decided to give a d*mn. Maybe I will be able to grudge up a pair of new underwear for my 20-year reunion. 

Forget Me Not

Do you all know who Michael Irvin is? You probably do. I didn't until I saw the recent documentary on the Dallas Cowboys on Netflix. He's a pretty famous football player from the 90s. He has been doing interviews about his wife, who was diagnosed with Early-Onset Alzheimer's. The disease originally went unchecked because everyone assumed she was suffering from memory loss due to menopause. Yes, memory loss due to menopause, which is a real thing, as if women don't have enough to worry about. He has discussed caregiving for her, which I can only imagine is devastating for him because it was devastating for my family when we were taking care of my grandma who had Alzheimer's. However, my grandma was in her 80s. His wife is nowhere near that old, and hearing about her story made me nervous. I am younger than her by almost 20 years, but how early can you get Early-Onset Alzheimer's? I have no idea. But what I do know is that if you know someone who has had Alzheimer's, you are afraid you are going to get it. 

My grandma was a huge part of my life. She helped to raise me, and I spent a large part of my life with her. I loved her so much and relied on her. She was so active that I never thought that she would get something like Alzheimer's. However, by the time I graduated from college, it was clear that something was not right, and for the next few years, I got to watch her forget our names while bringing up stories from her childhood that we could not confirm were true. After she died, my mom told me that she thought she was getting it whenever she forgot something. My aunty has expressed fears of having it if she forgets a minor detail, and now I am starting to be fearful, especially now that I know that this thing can creep up on you when you aren't even old. 

I cannot imagine forgetting my life. It hasn't been the best life in the world, but it has been mine, with memories of laughter and friends and jokes and experiences. When my grandma got really bad, she had forgotten who I was and referred to me as her daughter. I can't imagine forgetting who my niece and nephew are. Sometimes I can't remember the names of people I knew in college which scares me, even though I have not seen or spoken to them in almost 20 years. It's a constant silent state of panic. It's now yet another anxiety to add to the list that I wish I could forget. 

Death

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. I have been thinking about death, about how I am going to die, about when I am going to die, about where I am going to die, etc. I have found myself thinking about my family members who have died and my memories with them; my great-grandma, my grandma, my mom, etc. I have also been thinking about my friends who have died. Just this morning, I found myself crying (again) over a man I went to elementary school with. I had such a crush on him in the 1st grade. He was a sweet boy. A year or two ago, he died of a heart attack. A man who ran road races died of a heart attack, can you believe it? I am taking note of these feelings just in case preoccupation with death is a sign that you are about to die. I do believe that there are signs that people experience, but they do not document them because they do not consider them signs or did, but never got around to chronicling them. 

Have you been keeping up with 3i Atlas, the "comet" that is making its way through the solar system from a different star system? Some people believe it is an alien mothership from somewhere deep inside the cosmos. Something about it has caused me to ponder where we go when we die. Didn't Einstein or someone say that our energies never die? Is that energy what we would consider our souls? Do they go to heaven, or do they just float around or end up in space or something? I have seen videos on Instagram of Teslas at graveyards. Apparently, their GPS systems are so sensitive that they pick up ghosts on their cameras as if they are people to make sure that you don't hit. Are those the energies of the people six feet under? I think about these things. 

Perhaps these are just the thoughts that begin to creep into your mind more frequently when you are in your 40s. A boy I went to college with just had a baby with his wife, and I found myself wondering if they were scared that they were going to die. I mean, it's kind of late to be having your first child, isn't it? They will be in their 60s when their daughter graduates college, you know...if they don't die first. I guess they aren't worried about it. They seem pretty happy. 

I am wise enough to know that your death is much like the end of the world; no man knows that time nor the hour. I guess the best we can do is prepare for it is by living a life that is to die for. 

Embracing the Mental

I have a friend who lost their mind. When it happened in my 20s, I was so sad and confused and shocked. What could happen that young to cause one to lose it? Everyone around me was so optimistic about their futures. When I heard what had happened to my friend, it really felt like there was a fallen soldier that both me and our mutual friends were leaving behind. Today, I see the situation and mental illness a whole lot differently. Honey, we are all one missed crazy pill dose or therapy session away from dropping our baskets. 

Throughout my life, there have been commonalities amongst my peers. There were points where everyone was in a bad relationship, or trying to lose weight, or looking for a new job, or moving. At some point, the commonality became that everyone was depressed. I can not pinpoint when this exact time was because no one was talking about it. Everyone was just getting put on meds and getting a shrink in secret. I didn't get let in on what was going on until I myself got depressed and started talking to people about it. I couldn't believe that the people I love the most, the people that I talk to regularly, were secretly navigating their mental health. If I had not told them how I was doing, I am pretty sure the secret would have stayed under their hats. 

It can also go in the opposite direction. The downside about being friends with a lot of scholars is that they tend to academicize (I thought I was making a new word, but it's a real word already) everything they are going through. For some reason, turning everything into a potential Ted Talk makes it easier for them to digest. Your hard time may be worth it if it gets turned into an Oprah's Book Club selection. My brain doesn't work that way. It's much easier for me to acknowledge that my life is in the sh*tter and try to make moves from there, minus the panel discussion. Sometimes I think of how much less pressure it would be for those in my ecosystem to just say, "Yeah, I got down. Maybe even beyond down, and now I am getting back up" without all the extra fluff. 

With this in mind, I see my "fallen" friend differently. They were not a mess or a disappointment; they were brave and a trailblazer. It must have been so hard for them to admit that something was up when life was coming up roses for everyone around them. They had to be afraid that people wouldn't understand. I didn't, but I totally do now. If I could talk to the youngins coming up behind me, I would greet them with open arms at the gates to Crazy Town. I'd let them know they were amongst friends. No more leaving friends behind. 

The 60 Singles

This influencer on Instagram was doing an interview and said that he read a study that said that by 2050, there will be the largest number of single 60-year-olds ever on the books. Single 60-year-olds? Listen, if the world thinks that I am going to be on an app somewhere asking men what their hobbies are at 60, it has another thing coming! At what point do you tap out and decide to dedicate your life to reading The Bible and trying different types of teas? Whenever I go to the doctor, she makes it a point to tell me I'm not old. Aren't I? Somehow, age has become relative, but I tell you what, I feel too old now to be trying to find someone to settle down with. I know that 60 has become the new 25, but I am telling you now, if I hit the double 30 and I am still fishing for coffee dates out here, I want someone who loves me to very politely push me off the top of something that is very high. 

Okay, so do you all watch reality TV? You are lying! I know you do, and since you do, I insist that you watch Bravo's The Love Hotel. A whole bunch of single dudes try their hands at hooking up with four real housewives, one of which being my White aunty Shannon Storms Beador from The Real Housewives of Orange County. Let me tell you, Shannon went through it in her marriage and in her relationship after her marriage. So, at 60, she decided to try her hand at finding love by going on the show. And she met a guy her age and hit it off with him...at first. Child, he was 60 and refused to eat vegetables! He wore weird shoes and had very poor communication skills. Like, very poor. But Shannon tried to make it work because she always gives 110 percent. Sadly, it crashed and burned. I walked away from watching this show in shock. When you have a partner, you have to take the good with the bad and be prepared to argue your points and listen to your partner argue theirs. But can you imagine being 60 having to explain to your man why broccoli is important? Again, push me off of something high. 

As bad as being single at 60 sounds, I am good and on my way there. Every conversation I engage in on the dating app leaves me rolling my eyes. I asked this one guy what he was doing and he said he was watching Hentai. I Googled it and found out that it's some kind of weird anime cartoon porn! Can you believe he would tell me that? These are the interactions that are littering the ground on the yellow sh*t road to 60 singleness. Happy travels! 

Diaries of a No-Lose Loser

As I sit here eating Popeye's Chicken for lunch, I find myself feeling a little sad and defeated. My college homecoming is coming up, and I am super excited to go. I can not wait to reconnect with some people that I have not seen in almost 20 years. Everyone is talking about how fun it is going to be, and I just know it is going to be amazing! But I am disappointed, thinking the same thing that I think before every homecoming: Aw man, I was supposed to be skinny by now!

I gotta tell you kids, I was pretty dilulu when it came to this homecoming. It is the 100-year anniversary of my alma mater, and I had fantasies of literally showing up on campus in rainboots and a thong. I would spend the whole weekend flirting with boys and twerking on car hoods. I have lost a little weight, but nowhere near enough to attend the day party topless as originally planned. I just knew that this homecoming was going to be high energy. It won't be. I can already tell. The other day, while I was planning the events I am going to attend, I had possibly the strongest urge I've ever had to take a nap. Maybe if I try really hard, like sleep through breakfast and skip lunch, I can lose 200lbs in 30 days. I will get started after I finish my Popeye's. 

UF-No

So, there is this thing in space that NASA is saying is a comet, but there is this guy at Harvard that says that it could possibly be an alien mothership, and if this is the case, we should be preparing, seeing that it should be coming our way by October. I don't know what preparing for alien guests would look like. I guess that depends on whether they are coming to shake our hands or to suck the blood out of our heads. Either way, I feel like if the aliens are coming, we should all stop paying our bills. What's the point? The aliens could be peace-bringers or human-hurters. Either way, I think that they would find the concept of paying one's bills to be dumb and restrictive. I don't know this for sure, but my spirit is telling me that they would have a huge issue with rents, mortgages, and student loans. On day one, I could see them globally moving to forgive these payments, right before they zapped us in our chests. Just something to think about as you budget for the next month.