Desperate

I just want you to hear it from me first: if one more of my amazing, boss, beautiful, wonderful girlfriends hooks up with a loser guy, I am going to shave my head! When I was in my 20s, I used to think that men my own age were immature and irresponsible, so I could not wait to date men in their 30s. Now I am in my 30s and my friends are dating men our age and up, and I really can't tell them apart from the boys that I used to crush on in college! And neither can my friends! I mean, can you imagine dating a man over 40 who has poor communication skills, still wants hookups and doesn't returns texts? It's disappointing. But more disappointing than their behavior is my friends' willingness to put up with it. Lique explained why to me during our recent catch up call. 

"Your friends are getting desperate," she explained to me. She understands because she is a couple of years older than me and has been there and done that when it comes to 30-something homegirls dating douche bags. "They want to be married, and they are settling for men that they never would have got with before."

She told me a horrifying story about her CEO homegirl that, out of nowhere, started dating one of these low-end man children. She said this guy took her friend to a motel, not a hotel, for a hookup that went south when they checked into the room and found human feces on the carpet. Can you imagine?! But never you worry. This friend has found another man who she now almost completely supports financially. 

I just want to run outside and scream, "What is going on?!" It's like nature gone loco! 40% of my time is spent explaining to my friends why they should not be crying over men whose idea of commitment is asking for their Netflix passwords only to watch Anime and complete ruin their suggestions. Who was it that told women that that it is nearly hopeless to find love with a real contender over 30? I don't believe that that is true! But I do believe that dating bad guys can leave you with a stench that repels good ones, and right about now, my friends are sticking like that motel room carpet. 

Do you all pray that your friends find love? I do. I pray that they find love with men that can have a conversation and that isn't afraid of someone real. At the very least, I pray that he can pay for his own Netflix. 

Ethan and the Hoes

Last night I called Ethan. I try to touch bases with him every three months or so to make sure that he hasn't become a complete whore. You see, while most of my girlfriends are suffering from terminal singleness, a single Ethan is knee-deep in female attention. He is the belle of the ball in New Orleans, accepting dinner dates and free drinks from women at every turn. It's worse at work, where his nurse co-workers bring him free meals. I thought this was a kind jester. Ethan has been about 30 pounds underweight his whole life. But we aren't talking Lunchables here. We are talking gourmet takeout sealed with a kiss. I am glad I am in his life. His friend pool consists of married frat boys whose advise usually ends with them suggesting he get a hotel room someplace with a desperate woman he barely knows.
"Ethan, you should honor your penis," I told him last night as he prepared to go out to eat with a girl he just met, Angela. He wasn't sure if it was a date or not, but from what he was telling me, it sounded like one. "Don't sleep around with these sad women."
"I'm trying not to," he insisted, the same way I did to myself just the other night as I downed a sleeve of Oreos.
As a woman, I can see Ethan's future with clarity, as if I have a crystal ball. If he doesn't get serious with a serious girl seriously soon he is going to become a serious scumbag, drunk on a seemingly endless supply of his professional success and database of willing women.
He texted me when he got home from dinner with Angela. I must be psychic, it was a date...even though she insisted on paying for it. He went on and on about how cool she is and how good the conversation was. Hopefully, it works out with this girl for Ethan's sake. The last thing the world needs is another man whore.