Anxiety

I write to you early this morning from a deep place of anxiety after 5 hours of pretending to sleep.
At like 2 in the morning, the upstairs toilet overflowed, flooded the bathroom, and leaked down to the kitchen. It wasn't even that much water. I hope we don't have to move to another apartment, but I give it less than a month before there is mold if the repair men just do a patch work job.
I have diagnosed myself with MS.
And Parkinson's Disease.
I fear having a stroke.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job.
My brother has eaten a large quantity of my yogurt.
I am concerned about my oral hygiene.
I'M EXHAUSTED, WHIMPER WHIMPER.
I've gotten a case of the Decembers early.
Sigh.

Ice Cube - It Was A Good Day (HD)

Tomorrow will be the last day my brother is in town. I will have to catch
up on work and crap. Sigh. I guess I gotta make today a good day:)

Holiday

So Thanksgiving is over. I made it through without losing it. Black Friday is today. I am staying in to save my money and my life from those discount-crazed loonies that trample each other at Wal-Mart. But Christmas, this is the hard time. Every December, I get a year older. It's the month that my great grandmother and grandpa died. Messed up enough, my Grandma is the one that embedded that last reason in my mind for hating the holidays, and this Christmas, she will be coasting on strong Alzheimer's and anti-depression meds, completely unaware of what this month used to mean to her. Perhaps this year I can break the cycle of December being a symbol of anxiety and sadness. I'm not sure how though, lol. I will keep you posted.

Grandma's Roomie

Grandma's new roommate at the home is the doll lady. A while back, I mentioned how I was creeped out by this woman that talks to a baby doll at the home. She is now rooming with Grandma, and I am more creeped. I feel so insensitive. She is a sweet, older woman that is losing her mind and talks to a doll. But man, does she scare me. I believe I have mentioned my deep fear of losing my own mind, and seeing her is more of a reminder of that than looking at my own grandmother. Yikes.

Cake and More Cake

I baked a cake yesterday and my brother and I went in on it like it was the first cake we had ever had! Just a box yellow cake with chocolate frosting but Jesus! It was amazing. Then my brother's dad made a red velvet cake and I had 3 pieces. Since I was a child, I have had a lurking, yet admittedly unreasonable fear that my stepdad is trying to kill me. If that was the case, I would have been dead yesterday, because I ate that cake like it was going out of style! I have had a ridic sweet tooth. I will bake my last cake today and that will be it for a while...I hope.

Thanksgiving 2012

My sexy chicken before I put her in the oven. Look at her being all flirty!

Green beans, onions, and chicken sausage. Don't sleep on chicken sausage, it's a great seasoning meat.

Granny playing checkers.

Granny and my brother Cass.

Aunty Lara, Granny, and Cass.

 

Before yesterday, I was pretty sure I was going to have a bland and lonely Thanksgiving. My Aunty G and cousin went to Detroit to hang with our Detroit fam, my Aunty Lara worked for the overtime, and my roommate was going to someone else's house. My mom had a big Thanksgiving dinner, but I couldn't get to her house. But my brother was able to come home from school, so we ate and watched Netflix and visited my Grandma at the home. I am happy he is here, otherwise I think I just would have cried the whole time.

I watch Nicki videos for the same reason that I watch Beyonce videos: the outfits.

Decisions. Decisions

Serious and urgent decisions need to be made about my career (which directly effects my money) and it's making my stomach hurt. I will just be sitting here, with a stomachache, and wonder what my issue is, and then I remember: serious and urgent decisions need to be made about my career. I am 27. Next month I will be 28. Moves have to be made to the point that I can not sleep, and every decision I can think of leads to me being broke, depressed, anxious, and terrified for an uncomfortable amount of time.
I have recently begun what I refer to as cocooning. I realize that what I am about to describe is not the real psychological definition. But what I have begun doing is hiding under my covers and pretending I am in the womb so I can have 27 extra years to make my serious and urgent decisions about my career. In kindergarten, I would probably have been reading self-help books instead of Dr. Seus so I would grow up confident with more faith in my self professionally and in my ability to support myself.
P quit his job as a nurse to drive a cab. Maybe I should quit being a journalist to wear a nightgown and scream at the sky downtown.
Serious and urgent decisions need to be made about my career. Until I get the balls to make them, I guess I will cocoon.

AB Conversation

A: Why don't you talk about Marcus anymore? Is he dating someone or something?
B: I talk about Marcus all the time.
A: Yeah...when he's not talking to anyone.
B: Why do you do this to yourself?
A: Cut the crap. Is he still talking to Maya from Mexico?
B: Don't be an asshole and yes, he is still taking to Kenya from Paris.
A: Kenya from Paris. How obnoxious.
B: Would it be different if he was talking to Georgia from Florida? You just don't want to hear about him with other people which is fine. I just don't get why you keep asking about it if it makes you mad.
A: Because I have to know.
B: You don't have to know.
A: Yes, I have to know like I have to eat or I have to pee. I have tried not having to know, and it has made me crazy. You remember the garage weekend.
B: The garage weekend. When you broke into his garage and slept in his tool case so you could try to hear what was going on in the house?
A: Hearing that gives me chills. Of course I wouldn't be able to hear what was going on in his house if I was buried in a tool chest. The worst part was that I couldn't get in the house to pee or to eat until he was gone and he only left at night. It was a nightmare.
B: You need help.
A: I needed to know who he was talking to, and you wouldn't tell me. Do you see what I had to resort to?
B: Well yes, he is still with Kenya, so no need to tap his phone calls or take naps in his car trunk.
A: Like I could fit in the trunk of a MX-5 Miata. I've thought about it though.
B: You need help. You are crazy, and not in a cute way.
A: Agreed. But he made me this way.

Terlinda came to town!! She drove to Atlanta for ten hours for a conference.She got sick yesterday, but Friday, we got to have breakfast together at the Waffle House and laughed and laughed about college. Favorite memory: the HIV education man from our Freshman Orientation class that forcefully diagnosed us all with HIV before leaving us scared and confused.

P and the Fiance

P has a fiance.
She is a Muslim young lady that he's met.
I am pretty positive that he is going to marry her...soon!
I never hear from Brownie or Quinton anymore. Kinfolk and Amber are a package deal. P is my last standing male friend, and in about six months when he gets hitched, I won't have any male friends left.
This is going to be hard for me.
It is obvious that he is very much in love with this girl by the way that he speaks about her. And it's not that once he is married that we will officially not have a chance. That has been clear for years. It's that once he gets married, I will lose one of my closest male friends ever, and I don't know if I will be able to bounce back from it.
Yes, P can be a dick and has hurt me in the past, but I speak to him on the phone more than any of my other friends. He calls and checks in with me and tells me about his life. I will miss that.
I can't take another heartbreak. Eyeroll.

Holly and the Old Man

For about three days, I have been having a text convo with the older man who wrote his number on my hand. He is sweet. He said I was gorgeous (smiles). He hasn't sent me any inappropriate pics of himself, and he hasn't mentioned sex once. When I text him, he texts me right back. I don't have to wait hours for a response. He goes to bed early (fantastic!) and he has a job. He may be perfect for me, except we haven't had a real telephone conversation and his texts are kind of general. There isn't any beef, even though I know he is interested. Do I have to provide the beef because I am younger? This may be a problem, because I'm lazy, lol. I want to know more about him, but I am comfortable at this pace as well. It buys me time from doing something stupid, and it is refreshing just texting a man and not getting something gross in return. I think I will just marinate in this for a while, although my dad thinks its gross. If this guy is as old as I think he is, he is older than my dad! Interesting...

Daddy Love

For the past month, my father has been making himself more present in my life. We IM each other and do video chats. He's funny to me. He is easy to talk to, even though most of the time, I don't know what he is talking about. He is full of older Black man opinions that make me roll my eyes, and he's a bit of a nerd. I absolutely adore him. Sure, I don't know him really, really well, but he is nothing like my mom's boyfriend, the guy that I grew up with as a dad stand in. Again, I don't know him super well, but my life feels fuller knowing him. I wonder what I would be like today if he would have been more present in my formative years. Would I not seek male attention, or would I just have a whole different set of man issues. LOL, who knows? Yes, he can be annoying, but I am happy he is making himself more available.

Hand Number

Last night, on my way back from a party, a 50 something year old man wrote his phone number on my hand. His name is Teddy. He stressed that he was off work today and wanted to talk to me. He was nice. He was respectful. He wasn't bad looking. Listening to his conversation on the train, his kids aren't that much younger than me, so it wouldn't be creepy to talk to him. But quite honestly, although I' lonely, I need a man in my life like a hole in my foot. I'm an emotional basket case under an emense amount of stress. I can only see having a man, even casually in my life, contributing to me being more unstable. Maybe I will text him. I will let you know.

Man

Yesterday I met a man at a party. Nothing romantic. He was there with his girlfriend. We were chatting. And he dropped some pretty profound knowledge on me. So talking to this man yesterday, I realized I was talking to a man. Then I realized that I don't know men for real men. It was an oddly sad and happy moment.