MenoTestimony

I went to church recently and was approached by one of my favorite church aunties, Aunty Lisa, and she got right down to serving me the tea on her menopause journey, and I was for it! I love a good TMI moment, especially when it's really informative. 

She said the biggest thing she is experiencing is being overly emotional. She said she feels things ten times over. She has never been this emotional and now she cries all the time. 

"It's like I can literally feel people's pain," she said, and I didn't like the sound of that. I'm struggling to deal with my own pains. She went on to say, "I think I could deal with it better if someone would have told me this is what it was going to be."

We both had to laugh at that. When does life ever give you a heads up on the bs? 

She then let me know that she is practically freezing her husband out of their bedroom because she has to have the air on due to the hot flashes. 

"I just get so hot!" she exclaimed. I got the feeling she was having a hot flash just as she was telling me about it. 

Her menopausal journey sounded uncomfortable, but isn't even the worse I've heard. At the big age I'm at now, I can't believe the women of my youth were going through this as I was getting on their nerves. When I have PMS, I want to throw my family out of the window, and that is just a couple of days a month. I don't know what my reaction would be if I felt like I was getting cooked from the inside!

At some point, my grandma was silently fighting her way through a hot flash as I complained about not having name brand sneakers. Some of my teachers had to feel like nails were going across the chalk boards of their spirits as I asked them the same question over and over again. I know for a fact that my mom struggled not to drop kick me as she dealt with irregular bleeding. 

Honestly, I just don't think that I incompass that type of grace under fire. I am already losing my mind and I am not close to menopause, although I can see it ahead more clearly that I have been able to in the past. I also already feel like I'm losing my mind, so when I am Aunty Lisa's age, I will probably around, hair uncombed, yelling rap lyrics while wearing a stolen hotel bath robe. Man, that actually sounds kind of dope. 

Holly Clay: Business Woman

So many people have lost their jobs. There are wars and rumors of world wars. The price of everything is sky-high. If you understood how my mind works and how nothing I think ever makes sense, you would understand why I have chosen to start a business now. Not even I could think of a better/worse time! 

I have a handful of investors. Each one is giving me a scoopful of magic beans. I asked Savannah to invest, and she said no, the only no I have gotten so far, so I guess that I am doing pretty good. Tiesh said that anyone who declines to invest in my business, that is a friend of mine, is really saying that they are choosing not to invest in me because they don't believe in me. I don't know if that is true or not, but what I do know is that I am excited and don't want to think about it. I am obsessed with getting this thing off the ground. 

Anyone who has been on the precipice of starting a new business knows all about the fears that bubble up in the development stage. What if no one likes my business and I have no customers? What if people laugh at my ideas and my business fails before it gets off the ground? Money? Loans? Marketing? It's a lot. I am not crazy about potentially losing money that I don't have. But, if life has shown me anything again and again, it is that nothing happens when you are too scared to try. I already have some naysayers around me, but fear never got anyone anywhere, which sucks, because I have more fear than I have capital. 

So, I am moving forward, trying to learn how to root for myself as I go along; trying to silence the doubt. I think that I have what it takes to get this done. We shall see. I'm excited! 

A Threat To Productivity

Last night, I was feeling a little down, and right on time, I got a message from Coffee. It was good to hear from him, but sad to hear where he is in regard to his dating life. According to him, he is trying to get rid of his need for a woman. 

"Women are a threat to productivity," he told me. He went on to explain that this would be worth it if women were supportive, but they aren't, so it isn't. "This," he explained, "is why so many men are choosing to step away from dating."

I thought that this was hilarious because, admittedly, I know women who are living good lives without men but have not heard many success stories for men who are choosing to be unpartnered. Either way, this is no bueno. What hope is there for society if both men and women have decided that life is better if they have nothing to do with one another? Have we all become that bitter? I fear it is something worse: we have all become more interested in protecting our peace than taking a chance on relationships that have often proven to be fruitless. Again, no bueno. 

The situation is more dire and ridiculous than I think that most women understand. I watched an interview with a tech bro online where he was discussing how many tech investors are looking for technical ways to make women obsolete. They are investing in tech wombs that can develop a baby without a woman and putting more money into creating digital female companions for men. These lady bots would be fully dedicated to their male owners and not give them any attitude or emotions. They want to create literal obedient sex machines rather than deal with human women. The sad part is the expected number of investors who are projected to be human women. I guess they want to keep the men happy so they don't have to be bothered. Wonderful. 

I actually have no idea what the future of romantic partnership is, but it is not looking bright. At one point, it felt like no one wanted to be alone, but now it just seems like everyone wants to be left alone. Men are looking into making artificial women, and women are looking into looking away and enjoying their lives. I'd say that it can not get any grimmer than this, but I don't want to tempt the universe to prove me wrong. 

The Reality of Ghosting

Just in case you were wondering, yes, I have been watching the new season of Love Is Blind on Netflix. I know that I had decided not to watch it again, yet here I am, just as hooked on this train wreck as everyone else. This go-round, due to recent incidents in my own life, I am finding that I am personally triggered by the amount of ghosting going on. One of the girls in the pods just decided to go home, not even discussing her leaving with the guy that she had a connection with. She left him hanging, saying that it was just "easier" to leave! Then, after an accepted proposal and meeting, one of the contestants said that she didn't want to move forward with the process. This was happening as her "fiancé" was going on and on about how beautiful and amazing she was. Production had to tell him that she had gone home, and when he asked if he could reach out to her, they also had to tell him that she didn't want to be reached out to and asked that they not give him her information. He just sat there looking confused...and stupid. 

In the past, I have discussed how annoyed I am by cowardice, and I am just shocked at how normalized it has become. Whatever happened to the much-dreaded but very necessary hard conversation? I am here to tell you folks that it has left the building, along with any sense of adulthood and responsibility when it comes to handling another person's feelings. It seems that, across the board in dating, people have just become very comfortable with this idea that they don't owe anyone anything, even people that they have been in partnership with. Apparently, ghosting is not seen as a cowardly custard thing to do, which it is, but has somehow been painted as a way to protect the ghoster's mental health and peace from the horrors of having to boss up and provide explanation and closure. This leaves a person feeling played and deserted and left with hard feelings and unanswered questions, while the ghoster gets to skip off into the sunset and act like nothing has happened. 

I, for one, am sick of this attitude and way of conducting business. I believe that romantic relationships aren't just about sex and date nights. If things go south, if you decide that something is not working, it is incumbent upon you to express that and put a bow on what was at one point a good relationship before you skip off into the sunset. I just feel that it is cruel that people do not do this and are okay with leaving a person they once cared about with anger and baggage. This level of self-absorption should not be legal! 

But it is. There are no relationship cops out here handing out citations and making arrests, and I am not afraid to say that I think there should be. Maybe if people had to pay up or do some time, they would find a way to handle adult matters like adults. I know that if this were a real thing, I would have a lot of much-deserved money coming my way. Okay, I am getting off my soapbox. 

Bones

I have noticed that, of late, I can not even lie down and inhale without my back cracking. When I walk around the house, I sound like a really loud bowl of Rice Krispies. I yawned the other day, and my jaw popped like a firecracker. I thought I heard my knee clap when I got out of bed the other morning. I guess it is now my lot in life to sound like a jazz band whenever I move. I guess my skeleton falling apart is yet another bright side to middle age, next to the intrusive doctor's appointments and my nerves cooking down to a teaspoon of nothing. One of my healthcare professionals is out on medical leave because she is getting a joint replacement. I don't even think she is 45! At this stage in my life, I was hoping to have a companion. I am happy to let you know that my most reliable companion at the moment is my glucosamine. I have been told to stretch, but I am afraid that I am going to stretch and then my whole body will break, and I will turn into skin-covered broken glass. Anywho, here is to being in my 40s! 

The Fantasy

I was talking to Coffee the other night and I told him I wanted him to come scoop me up and take me for a ride. I told him I wanted him to bring me flowers as well. 

"That's not too much to ask," he said, but I wasn't done. 

I let him know that I wanted him to read me a poem, then park somewhere we could slow dance to "Cupid" by 112 under the stars. I jokingly not jokingly told him I plan to wear a princess dress for this evening.

"Then are you going to throw your braid out the window so I can climb up the castle?" he cracked. 

Listen, I know that it sounds good and crazy that a 41-year-old woman would hold on to such delulu fantasies. However, since making a vow to try to date a few years back, I have to say that being in reality with these guys is no fun. It's just a Ferris wheel of lies, ghosting, dream-dealing, and exhaustion. If I am only going to have a limited amount of time with these guys anyway, I might as well start marking things off the fantasy list. If I can find a guy eager to take me on a picnic in the park or a romantic hot air balloon ride, I may have to marry him. Just to be clear, this man is not Coffee. 

"If I sent you flowers via Door dash, would it still count?" Coffee asked. 

"Yep," I answered. I will post a pic if I get them. 

Second Chance Suzie

It's another Friday night, and I am alone, single, and feeling stupid. 

Do you remember New Man? The one who ghosted me? Well, I allowed him to hit me up with the "Hey Stranger" text when we both knew, good and well, that he was the stranger here. I hadn't heard from him in weeks! But the critique is that I am hard on men and I am not soft, so I told him, AGAIN, just in case I was not clear, how important communication is to me and how I have to hear from someone I am talking to. He said he understood, but that I can contact him too. He "claims" he didn't see my text or missed call. Okay. Now, it has been a week since that call, and he has gone ghost again! Now I really feel like a simp because I allowed him to convince me that what I knew was not so. JUST SO YOU KNOW, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, EVERYTHING A WOMAN KNOWS IS SO! And what I did know was that this guy is a no-show. Now I really know this fact, fo' sho'. 

So what is the moral of the story here, ladies? Don't be a Second Chance Suzie. It doesn't pay. These Casper-a$$ men know what they are doing when they drop off the face of the planet. Don't waste your time ladies. Don't be a Holly.