HoustonLanaVegas

It's almost midnight. I've been asleep all day so I am awake. I have energy for once. I want to go dancing. When I was in my 20s, I used to go dancing. I also want someone to come scoop me so we can go drive around downtown. We used to call this parking lot pimping. Once, Tasia and I aimlessly drove around downtown in her Volkswagen Beetle with the sunroof down. She turned on "HoustonLanaVegas" by Drake. I looked up at the stars with my arms up. I was so optimistic about life. I couldn't wait to see what I was going to become, who I was going to be. I want to dance. I want to drive around downtown while listening to Drake. I have no dance partner. Tasia is now married with two kids. In the other lifetime, I hope old Holly is dancing or cruising. How dope would that be? 

No Need Necessary

Chocolate called me and asked how I was doing. I told him that honestly, I was feeling a little down for one of the same reasons I have been feeling down for years: I don't feel like my friends have time for me. I asked him how he handles it when he feels this way. He said he never does. He doesn't need anyone. 

On top of being completely self-sufficient and self-reliant, he is so excited about the amazing things happening in his field of tech that he doesn't have time to think about the homies. He's got to stay at the top of his field. He's got interviews to do and professional trainings to take. If I would focus on my job hunt, fitness, writing, and professional training, I wouldn't have time to remember I had friends. 

This idea excited me. I thought of myself moving and shaking, making moves, making money. I'd be so high on my own supply that I wouldn't need a soul ...until I slowed down to look both ways and see that no one who cared was around or cared to be around. It sounds like that would be fun until it wasn't and would end up feeling very empty. I mean, I feel empty now! 

I admire how he needs no one, but I am not built that way. I need to talk and laugh and feel heard. This sucks, because when these things aren't happening, I end up feeling pretty sad. See the circle here? However, I think my life would probably be 1000% better if I tried to be more like him, making it so my need for friends was not necessarily. 

Companion- Space

I recently got to catch up with my friend Boots from college. She's been one of my favorite people for a long time, but she has a crazy work schedule and we haven't gotten to talk in ages. She told me she is keeping plants in her apartment, that she still does hair, and that she has a boyfriend. I was excited to hear this, but she said they don't get to have a lot of date nights because of his work schedule. They don't get to see each other a lot. 

"It's fine because I really don't want a man all up under me" she explained. I found this to be interesting because she and her college boyfriend were all over each other to the point that they looked conjoined! 

What is it about being a middle aged woman that makes you want loved ones close to you and away from you at the same time? Your desire for companionship and space seem to overlap each other. It's like, how can you tell a man to hug you and back up at the same time? Im choosing to blame all of this on science. Whatever makes peri- menopausal women hot in the cold super smellers is probably behind the companion-space movement. I like to believe that I'd be super hands on with my man if I had one, but I don't know. At times, when people are talking to me, I want to jump out of the window, so...

She says she plans to marry this man, and I hope she does. Just because you want companion-space, doesn't mean you want to be a lone. Let's hear it for another one of life's riddles. 

The Tough Questions

The other day, I got a particularly horrible Dear John letter from a company I applied to work at. It was hella harsh. I would have much rather they would have knocked on my door then shot me in the foot. 

"Damn!" Lisha exclaimed after I read her the email. "That was... direct." That is a cute way of describing it. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this letter was the written equivalent of giving someone the middle finger. 

It is times like this where I am AGAIN reminded of Penis Man. I wonder about what happened to this guy quite often, especially during my job search. Years ago, I was listening to the news on the radio and the newscaster did a report on a man who had applied to hundreds of jobs and could not get a call back. So, in a desperate state of mind, he began to send in pictures of his junk with his resume. He was arrested for indecent exposure. Too bad I wasn't working in HR back then. That kind of on-your-feet thinking would have gotten him an interview from my company. 

Can I just ask one question: what are we doing? The nation is at war, the aliens are coming, the vegetables are giving folks explosive diarrhea. What are we doing? Applying for jobs? Looking for work? Trying to make a living? Shouldn't we be dancing in the street naked before a record breaking hurricane comes and wipes us out? Am I going to be surfing Indeed when the comet hits? I guess I will ponder these questions later as I edit my resume. 

The Big Picture

The other day, I found some pics of me from high school and a pic of me at the 8th grade dance. I was cute but didn't know it. As excited as I was to share these pics, I doubled down on the promise I made myself years ago: I'm not going to be that old chick that keeps pics at the ready of herself when she was young. Have you seen people's faces when they are cornered by women like this? It's like they want to say, Sure, you were cute then, but look at you now sis! It's pretty embarrassing for the lady shoving her phone in everyone's face to see a 20 year old picture. I knew a picture shover once. It was very uncomfortable because she didn't look like young her at. all. 

"I'm going to show my old pics whenever the opportunity presents itself, I don't care!" Risky exclaimed. "In college, I was in great shape!"

I wasn't, but I didn't look as sad. In current pictures, I feel like I look grumpy and annoyed which makes since because I am! If I had any dignity I'd just stop smiling all together and be honest in a photo or two. We all know I won't do that. 

For now, I think the solution is to avoid pictures altogether. I used to love taking them. Now I need a three month notice just to hide in the back of a pic and frown. Although I won't do it, I see why people rather show off a pic of themselves at 17. 

Nunning Up

When it comes to anything regarding men or dating or coupling or whatever, I feel a great sense of dread and disappointment. I don't want to talk to any guys romantically. Maybe I should rearrange some things and label partnership or being married as a secret desire of my heart and move forward with focusing on working, friends, and family. At least in that arena I can better see the fruits of my labor. I think. H$ll if I know, I'm old! Shouldn't I have more things figured out? I wish I could go back in time when I thought love would make things better, slap myself, then redirect my attention to taking better care of my hair. I need to take better care of my hair. P suggested I'm "nunning up". All I know is that men make me feel sad and tired. When I told my therapist I was over men she suggested I was depressed. Maybe. I mean, isn't anyone looking for the warmth of love in this cold, hard world depressed? How many naps do I need to have enough energy to even chat with a guy? I will let you know when I wake up. 

Freeway of Love (Another Risky Business Story)

The other night, I was on the phone with Risky as she drove hours away from her home to meet and potentially blow a guy she met online. They have had a very complicated online history. As a matter of fact, as she was driving to see this guy, she was blocked by him on the site they met on. I guess they had each other's personal contacts, because when he came to her state, he texted her and she decided to make the voyage to meet him. 

I wish this was the worst of the story but it is not. Once she got to his hotel, they chatted for a bit, and he refused to give her any real information about himself. No real name, hometown, job, or anything. I felt this displayed a lot of nerve on his end. How can you be creeped out and concerned about your safety on one hand, but then want sex from said creepy person on the other hand? Plus, he's the guy! The odds lean towards him when it comes to which one of them is going to make the other an unsolved mystery. 

They fooled around but no real deal hanky panky because he was behind on his STI screenings. I was so happy when Risky let me know she was on her way home that I didn't even have commentary on how loony this story was! She paints the whole thing as an "experience" that she is overall happy she did. She doubts it will progress from here.  I agree, since he blocked her and gave her an alias. She said she thinks it's time she consider marriage. I think it's time she consider becoming abstinent, cutting all losers from her life. She's just too amazing for this kind of stuff! 

You can't tell your friends what to do. I know this for sure, seeing there are plenty of times I ignored my friend's advice. I just want all my girls to be happy, which won't happen for Risky if she ends up in some guy's freezer first. But I can't be too judgemental. No one knows better than me that when it comes to dating, it's a cold world.