The Customer Theory

Yesterday, I went out on a coffee date with a Black Republican. He has a lot of interesting views, many of which I don't share. However, he did discuss something with me that I think deserves some unpacking. I'm referring to it as "The Customer Theory". 

Let's call this man Coffee. Coffee said that, once upon a time, he was striking out with women. So, he researched what women want and took steps to become that. He refers to this process as "understanding the customer". He found that female customers didn't like lanky guys, so he gained weight. They liked professionally dressed men, so he changed his look. He basically changed himself to be what women want, now he has better lucky with ladies. He then challenged me, and women in general, to understand who their customer is and make changes. 

I think I have always understood this without giving it a name. The issue is that I felt that things my customers wanted I couldn't achieve. I couldn't be petite. I couldn't temper my opinions. So, I guess somewhere a long the line, I gave up on pleasing my customer because doing so was over my pay grade. How was I going to become Beyonce over my? Yet, at my big age, this something I'm willing to revisit. Maybe there are small things I can do to present myself as more of a contender. But I'm not dying my hair blonde or something. That would be stupid. 

The Case of the Declarers

Of late, I find that men that I refer to as Declarers have made themselves more present in my life. These are men that make some type of grand declaration, without provocation, then don't follow through. A great example of this are the two guys this week that proposed going on dates then didn't follow through. I was good with us getting to know each other by phone and had not applied any pressure to meet. They did that on their own then, for reasons unknown, dropped the mission. The actions of Declarer men really hurt my feelings. Then they annoyed me. Now I am realizing that single women of any age can just expect this type of liar- liar sassiness out of many of today's men. Not all, but many. 

My research has found that many Declarers also end up being Block Circlers. So, after they make their declaration then flunk, they go ghost then circle the block and come back when they feel you have forgotten their last fumble. At first, I thought I was missing something. I mean, what type of guys would be so icky? Declarer Block Circlers, that's who! 

P often says that women can't take accountability for anything. With that being said, I take accountability for their being something about me that keeps attracting these sad sacks; that makes them feel safe. So, I guess there is more self work on my end that needs to be done. In the meantime inbetween time, be safe out here ladies. 

Sex, Lies, and Video Calls

Guys, I don't know what to say about this late in life dating. Talking to these men, you don't know what to believe, and they are also openly and incredibly sexual to have just met you. Everything is rushed. They want to call you Monday then meet up on Tuesday. It's overwhelming and disappointing. This week, during an introductory video call, a gentleman "accidentally" flashed me his bro bits! I couldn't believe it, but one of my homegirls said that she had a video call where a dude tried to play off showing his whole behind. Men are literally showing their a$$es out here! What is left to do after you make this realization? I guess I just thought men from 35-50 would be different than the guys I met who were 18-30. I thought they'd be more gentlemanly and more mature. I think what they've done is acted up during their youth and now they have perfected their crazy! As I march on in the Find A Man parade, I am constantly reminded of how old-fashioned I am for this new age dating landscape. Maybe I am an old lady. Pardon me for thinking that during a get to know you call, a guy would keep his bits in the bag. 

Soft

The other night, Lisha, again, pointed out that I am not "soft" in my delivery and interaction with men. She has declared that she is in her "Soft Girl Era", and that men are attracted to softer women. Hm. This sounded familiar, and I began to have flashbacks of my grandma begging me to wear more dresses and stop being so loud. I know that no situation is black and white, but I sadly tend to operate in extremes. When I think of myself being softer, I imagine myself wearing rags, cooking over an open-fire stove, while whispering to passersby that I detest my right to vote. 

Lisha then began to coach me on talking to guys. I need to ask more intriguing questions because guys like feeling like they are telling you something. She said a bunch of other stuff that very well may have been the key to the game, but after a while, she started to sound like Charlie Brown's mom. It seems like being softer just means playing dumb so that he can feel like a big, smart stud muffin. In return for inflating his ego he'll treat you like a lady. I could be wrong here, but I don't think so. 

I have never, ever been good at playing dumb. I find it's best to let a guy know I'm smarter than him right from the jump. I tried the clueless routine once, but it came to a screeching halt the day I could no longer listen to said guy's flagrant incorrectness. 

"That's not true," I said as sweetly as I could. 

"What?" he asked confused. 

"There is actually a huge difference between womanist and feminist thought," I chirped politely. What ensued was a very unfortunate exchanged which nipped us in the bud fast. It was then that I learned how rough being soft can be. 

So I won't be making that mistake again, even though Lisha claims the results could be life changing. What is the point of dating if you have to be someone else? 

What?

I was chatting with a man on the fatty app and he told me that he is looking for a woman who would be okay with never seeing him because he works a lot and is trying super hard to get rich🫤 Who would be okay with that?! It has become more socially acceptable to say how you really feel, but it feels like people are doing this despite how looney they sound. I mean, is no one listening to their inner voices anymore before they speak?? As I have gotten older, my ear has gotten sharper, and of late I have been hearing a lot of open delusions, contradictions, tall tales, misrepresentations, misunderstandings, miseducations, and falsehoods. They all sound loco and they are leaving me in a constant state of bewilderment and confusion. Does anyone know what they are talking about?? I cannot go a full day without hearing some eye-crossing gibberish. I am a naturally talkative person, but the state of things has caused me to silence myself and really listen. What I have concluded is that there is a lot of talking but next to no thinking on even the simplest of matters. I'd say this is a new normal, but I don't think that's the case. I think it has only gotten worse and we will continue to speed towards a decline until we are only communicating in animal grunts. I don't know. Maybe that will be better. 

Half

At the moment, my life is in a silent chaos. I can not seem to finish anything I start. My Netflix account says it all. I am greeted by movies and shows I have yet to finish. I don't seem to have the desire or the attention span. Everything is half done. My hair is half combed. My room is half clean. I can only seem to be half awake during my phone conversations. I have fallen asleep on the phone with my friend Curly twice now. I am generally half engaged in life. This is no bueno, seeing that there are things going on that need my full attention. I just don't have it, whatever "it" is. I'm choosing to blame the time and season changes, but I'm only half sure that's even a thing. 

Tales of the Unrequited 3 pt 2: Twinkles

I did not like the Elephant Person that Twinkles ended up marrying. I don't know if I disliked her because she was worthy of disliking, or because I was jealous because she was dating someone I believed I was in love with. The lines can be blurred. All I know is that I thought she was just what the doctor ordered in the beginning. She was making him be serious about school. Then there was a sharp turn when they got serious-serious, and I could feel Twinkles pulling away from me as a friend and it freaked me out. Harsh lesson three million and six: when you think you are in love with someone who doesn't love you and they find someone they do love, brace yourself for the heartache and disappointment. Remember what Sweet taught me: the one he wants to f&$k will always come first, even for the guys you think are "different". Take it from me, there is no "different", not deep down. Originally, I thought I was imagining the pullback until our mutual friends' wedding. He showed up with the Elephant Person which was shocking. I didn't even know he was coming to Atlanta. How could he be my friend and not even tell me he was coming to town? I guess the same way he himself could get married some time later and not invite me to his wedding.  

"Hey, it's Twinkles," one of my friends announced. 

I wanted to wave but it was clear he was making a conscious effort not to look at me, even though he and the Elephant Person literally sat in front of me. 

I could have reached out and thumped him in the back of the neck he was so close. After the wedding, I went into the reception hall and stood at the bar, contemplating if I wanted a drink, when Twinkles took a spot right beside me. 

"Hey!" He exclaimed as if he hadn't just ignored me for like an hour.

"Hey?" I looked over his shoulder and around the room, but I did not see the Elephant Person. 

For about two minutes, Twinkles was his old self, chattering about nothing, then the Elephant Person came out of the bathroom and he raced from the bar and away from me while I was in mid sentence. You can't get much clearer than that. 

After he got married, we still talked, but I noticed he was only calling me when he was not around Elephant Person which made me begin to feel like a secret friend. Sigh. When is it appropriate to call your platonic male friend that is married? I had this same issue with Country after he jumped the broom. All I know is that I got scared to call Twinkles. I didn't want to get him in trouble, for he had insinuated once that the Elephant Person didn't like me. Overtime, he would stop calling me, and just like that, one of my favorite people had vanished from my life. This should have been good practice for the Brownie Nightmare, but it turns out that there is not enough practice to prepare you for losing a good friend. 

I texted Twinkles about homecoming late last year. It was a very short and sterile exchange. He has kids now, a good job, and as far as I know is living the life with his family. I wonder if he ever wonders what I'm up to. Not hearing from him in almost ten years would indicate that he doesn't, which is sad because, when he was able to be, he was a good friend.