The Hunter Attitude

When I worked at a daycare years ago, there was this sweet kid named Hunter that had a HORRIFIC behavior problem. He would have these big fits and tear up the classroom, and eventually ended up expelled from daycare if you can believe it. But, before he was given the boot, one of the teachers asked him if he got spankings at home. He said that he did. The teacher asked him what he said to his parents when he got spanked. He yelled, "I SAY, 'I DON'T CARE!' "

The other day, I was telling a friend a traumatic story that ended with her trying to psychoanalyze me regarding my weight. It dawned on me during this conversation that a dear friend of mine that I speak to daily kind of sees me as a fat slob that is doing nothing to better her situation. I had to let her know the conversation was irking me and we needed to move on because I felt myself about to crank dat Hunter towards someone I really care about. 

I believe that you can get so overwhelmed, like the way I feel when I get one of those You Suck letters in my email when I don't get a job, your nervous system turns into wet trash. Your mental health then has to hit Level Hunter so you can survive and not tear up the classroom of your life. It just a smooth level of I don't care designed to give us a break. 

Something is going on with me that I have had to Hunterize the issue because I don't have the wherewithall to deal with it. Thank God for the small favors. If I cared as much as I need to, I'd probably combust. 

B- Day

Yesterday was my mom's birthday and I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn't even mourn her like I usually do on this day. I tried to keep myself busy. We didn't do cake this year. I've been feeling so overwhelmed that I didn't even remember to get a cake. 

My good girlfriend texted me that her dad is dying. I feel badly for her because I know the anvil of pain that is about to fall on her head. It's going to feel unbearable and there is no way to prep her. Dizzle's mom and grandma died and I watched her go through it, and even seeing her devastated did nothing to ease the specific devastation that was coming for me. It's just something you have to feel, there is no way around it. 

A guy I went to college with just got married and had a baby. The baby many be an only child and will have to deal with this loss twice on her own. I don't think people consider that enough before they have kids, which is cruel. 

Anyway, happy b-day Mommy. 

Dream On

I woke up from a dream yesterday evening where I took hundreds of my Xavier sisters on an exclusive overseas trip then realized, past checking into the hotel, I had nothing planned for the weekend. I checked my bags and all I had was candles for the bathrooms. I had ideas about doing morning prayer and yoga, but had no instructors. I couldn't believe I forgot to actually plan the weekend! 

Doesn't take rocket science to interpret this dream: I'm feeling utterly unprepared. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. I don't know which end is up! I'm jealous that dream Holly had candles. I love candles. Why don't I have any candles? 

Honestly, it's going to take more than candles to correct the course my life is going down. Perhaps if I can sleep tonight, dream Holly will have some answers. I doubt it though. When has dream or awake Holly EVER had the answers?

Fri-yay!

I don't know how many different ways I can say that I'm tired. I have nothing left in the tank, and I can't sleep because I'm worried about everything. Anything and everything. I also need to clean up, which is making me feel jumbled. I kind of want to cut off my hair. Just another Friday night. 

The Poopy Diaper Theory

Again, a friend is accusing me of being negative. This time it's Lisha and this time I was simply telling her about my day. And to be clear, my day was sh&t on a hot tin roof! Whenever this accusation arises I am left baffled because I am simply discussing how something went or how I am feeling. Perhaps someone should define for me what positive means, because it sounds like it means the act of using your pointer finger to draw a happy face in a poopy diaper. I don't want to do that. I don't know how to do that. I won't do that. For me, there is a line so thin between positivity and pretending that the two are almost synonymous, and pretending makes me incredibly tired. I gotta tell ya, I'm tired of being tired. 

HoustonLanaVegas

It's almost midnight. I've been asleep all day so I am awake. I have energy for once. I want to go dancing. When I was in my 20s, I used to go dancing. I also want someone to come scoop me so we can go drive around downtown. We used to call this parking lot pimping. Once, Tasia and I aimlessly drove around downtown in her Volkswagen Beetle with the sunroof down. She turned on "HoustonLanaVegas" by Drake. I looked up at the stars with my arms up. I was so optimistic about life. I couldn't wait to see what I was going to become, who I was going to be. I want to dance. I want to drive around downtown while listening to Drake. I have no dance partner. Tasia is now married with two kids. In the other lifetime, I hope old Holly is dancing or cruising. How dope would that be? 

No Need Necessary

Chocolate called me and asked how I was doing. I told him that honestly, I was feeling a little down for one of the same reasons I have been feeling down for years: I don't feel like my friends have time for me. I asked him how he handles it when he feels this way. He said he never does. He doesn't need anyone. 

On top of being completely self-sufficient and self-reliant, he is so excited about the amazing things happening in his field of tech that he doesn't have time to think about the homies. He's got to stay at the top of his field. He's got interviews to do and professional trainings to take. If I would focus on my job hunt, fitness, writing, and professional training, I wouldn't have time to remember I had friends. 

This idea excited me. I thought of myself moving and shaking, making moves, making money. I'd be so high on my own supply that I wouldn't need a soul ...until I slowed down to look both ways and see that no one who cared was around or cared to be around. It sounds like that would be fun until it wasn't and would end up feeling very empty. I mean, I feel empty now! 

I admire how he needs no one, but I am not built that way. I need to talk and laugh and feel heard. This sucks, because when these things aren't happening, I end up feeling pretty sad. See the circle here? However, I think my life would probably be 1000% better if I tried to be more like him, making it so my need for friends was not necessarily.