So my friend Lakyle (number six from the left on top of the class picture who is now a male model) posted this on Facebook yesterday about Ryan Crowder (first on top). He died the other day dude, and you know how I (third from the left on the bottom row) don't deal well with death. I haven't spoken or seen Ryan Crowder  since the last day of third grade, and this shook me up. I mean, I remember him clearly, you know? We weren't bffs or anything, but I remember him being a rational kid. He was a boy that didn't get on my nerves. This is a big accolade for a third grade boy.
According to the comments on the post, his heart just stopped. So Holly, who has daily chest pains and heart disease worries was obviously effected by this. I kept waking up last night and checking my pulse, which is fruitless, seeing that I don't know what a good pulse should be.
This man went to grade school with me, and now he's dead before 30. Man, everyday you are here is a blessing. I need to remember that on days when I am bitching about my life.
RIP Ryan.

The Pep It Up List

I need to pep it up guys. I have been hella emo lately, and I think it is because I am tired of the same ol' same. Well, I think it's that and me just being a generally emo, out of line, out of control person. My new crush is Shameless Maya who has encouraged me to think out of the box. So I've made a to-do list of things I have been wanting to do to brighten things up:

• wear lipstick everyday, even when I am at home
• paint each toe a different color
• spike my morning tea
• try something different with my hair
• sign up for the Twerk class at Dance 411
• go through my friend's list and let every dude I think his hot know
• EMBRACE COLOR
• get up the courage to get my eyebrows done
• learn to walk in heels
• kiss a stranger
• experiment with coloring my bottom lids
• incorporate dance in my day daily

I will let you know how it goes, lol. Fingers crossed.

Well-balanced Diet

In an effort to take my health more seriously and to lose weight I had the following things today as nourishment:
A gallon of water
A container of cheese Pringles
A line of crackers
A bag of dried cranberries
I haven't exercised yet today. I have a lot of work to do and may not get around to it. I have been dancing to Spotify Radio as I type. Just out of curiosity, how many calories do you burn weeping and wishing?
I need to clean my bathroom tonight. I know, random.

Adulthood

I wish that someone could clearly define what an adult is and means, because if it wasn't for the fact that I get periods and live on my own, I would swear I was ten.
I AM OVERWHELMWED. THIS ISH IS OVERWHELMING.
It is all too much, all of it, and I seem to be the only "adult" I know on the brink. Everyone else is so damn well adjusted with fiancés and money and cars and a strong connection to God and they juice their breakfasts and cut out carbs. Their twist outs never look dry and they have such profound things to say on Facebook.
IT'S TOO MUCH!
If it seems like I am complaining than good, because I am.
Sigh.
Yesterday I was so through that I actually got up, started clicking my heels, and chanting that there is no place like home...I WAS AT HOME!
I just texted Amber to come rescue me. With any luck, she will pick me up and ride me around the block. That would be nice. #blankfaceoveritspirituallyfatigueddone

Nightmares

I have been having nightmares that I can't believe.
Last night I had a dream that my mom was holding my little brother hostage. My grandmother and I went to her house to try to rescue him and my mother threw a typewriter at my head! Laced into this dream were Brownie and his fiancé, filling me in on details about their wedding.
Now that I think of it, they were also in my dream the night before last. I asked her why Brownie didn't talk to me anymore and if it was cool for me to be his friend and she said no. But she did tell me that her gown was going to be blue.
These nightmares have made me paranoid. They aren't particularly scary, but I don't have bad dreams often. Truly, they have rattled me. Let's hope tonight brings a solid rest.

My new favorite song:)

Depressed I Guess

This was last week:
I started off with no energy. None.
I lounged around my house watching Tales from the Crypt on Netflix. I told myself I would wash everyday, but I didn't get around to it until today. In the middle of the week I made progress by kicking my laundry hamper down the steps, but again, the wash didn't get done until just now.
I just really didn't feel like it, whatever it is.
Finally, I talked to Fran and she said I was depressed.
I was not all together convinced seeing that the last time I was depressed, all I did was cry and eat. This time around, I just blankly edited my work and surfed the Internet. No tears.
But Fran insisted and I got scared.
The last time I was depressed I didn't think it would ever end. This time is different. I kind of feel like I am in a dream or half asleep or something. I don't know if that is better or worse.
Determined to prove Fran wrong, I cleaned up my room (which looked like a war zone) and finally made it to the Laundromat.
I feel like I am in a rut. I kind of just want to crawl in a hole...with my Netflix and a can of Sprite of course. Wake me if you have cookies.

Information Overload

The news apps on my iPhone and my addiction to Netflix documentaries has sent me into information overload. Ask me about anything- The Koch Brothers, Valentino, Syria, Egypt, President Obama, North West, organic farming- I know about it all.
So yes, it has become impossible to have a normal conversation. Yesterday, I think I overwhelmed my mom. In the span of five minutes I asked her about the Bradley/Chelsea Manning saga, the effects of the Edward Snowden drama on Obama's foreign policy, and her thoughts on America's water shortage. It was a bit intense.
I am literally downloading information. This is good, I guess. The bad part is not having people readily available to have serious discussions about things with. I mean, I kind of feel like The Giver (Google it).
Between washing clothes I have watched four documentaries this morning already. I think that I am hooked.

I am not altogether sure why these women are topless...

Catfishing

Today was my mom's birthday. We went to dinner at the Golden Corral and did what we usually do when we go there: eat until we felt sick.
I love talking to strangers, and the stranger I talked to today was Mary, our waitress, who was 64-years-old. She told me that she got a hit on a dating site from a man and they have been talking for years. They are going to get married when he comes home from Iraq. He has two kids, and she can't wait to be a mom. They have never seen each other in person though.
Oh, but the romance of it all. They text all day, and when time permits, he calls her for a brief 30 second call with bad reception were he professes his love until the call drops.
She was the sweetest lady! She said when he gets home she won't have to work anymore, and they will live happily ever after. She just wants him home!
I pray for her sake that this guy is real and not some loser sending her text from three miles away. Whether he is real or not, the story was so romantic and she had that girl glow you get when a guy likes you. Ah Catfishing, the opportunities for love it has created.

Round 2

Sickles came over my house last Friday and he was so nice and well-behaved that it was hard to believe that this was the same guy from the last time. Trial and error has told me that I have to remember that he is, but he was pretty awesome this go 'round.
We talked about everything-his ex, babies, and the Instagram posts he likes. You know, the pictures with funny sayings on them? He showed me a picture of his mom. He went in on the show Orange is the New Black and how it makes the criminal justice system seem like a joke. He is very, very passionate about his opinions. I am a huge talker, but I found myself just listening with wide eyes. Like, his opinions are unshakably STRONG. You almost can't argue with them.
I learned that the white ranger is the coolest one.
His God son, his ex's child, looks A LOT like him. Like... a lot, but I'm not drawing conclusions.
Good thing: he was a gentleman this time. Almost too good of a gentleman. I had to ask him for a hug!
Bad thing: Because of this, I'm not sure if he likes me. I don't think he is over his ex. I want to ask. Is it cool to ask? Shouldn't I just assume he does because he was here? I wanted to ask him while he was here, but he gets hella impatient if you don't just spit things out.
He said he can read women really well, but refused to read me. Not sure what that means. He also said he sends me racy texts just to play with me. That he knows I'm "not about that life."
I can't figure him out, but I like him.
We will see what his next visit is like. Hopefully we get to dance.

Ben

When I was in high school I had a huge crush on a boy named Ben.
He had long bangs and was really tall and really nice and really White.
I liked this boy so much in fact that I asked him to my prom and tried to play it off like I didn't after he said no. I don't know why I thought he would say yes. He was quite open about his love for this girl in my orchestra who was very tall and very blond and very hot.
He danced with me at the prom and allowed it to be photographed, even though I could tell it made him MISERABLY uncomfortable.
The next time I would talk to Ben after graduation would be on Facebook. He had a photo album called "That Cancer Thing" or something similar to this.  I chatted him and asked him if he was sick and he said he had been. In his pics he was getting chemo like it was just some thing he had to do before he went to class.
It never occurred to me that he would die. Never.
My friend Aisha confirmed that he passed last year. I had no idea. After seeing those pictures in his album, I just assumed he was better or would get better soon and continue on his path to being hot and awesome.
He crossed my mind the other day and I went to his Facebook page just to see condolences going back to last year.
I cried and we weren't even close.
If I could name one thing that I miss about being a kid it's death being a fleeting thought, not a real thing. It's something that happens to other people's friends and parents and grandparents- not to you. My grandpa died when I was a toddler. I don't remember him alive at all. This Hispanic boy died of cancer when I was in middle school. He was in my art class and my friend Jocelyn's boyfriend's friend. I don't remember his name.
I remember Ben though. I remember him clearly.
Sigh, misty eyes. Lauren and Sickles are right: I am sensitive.

Toccara!

Toccara is coming out with a new line of bras and I got to interview her today. She is super down to Earth, her legs are long and shiny, she smells good, and she touched my hair. She even undid her dress so I could see her new bra, a part of her bra line. Needless to say, the interview was awesome!

Aren't these ladies the hottest things since hotness? They are the ladies that I volunteer with. Last week, we had a BBQ because one of our girls is going to college. Ah, to give back:)

Old

A friend of mine on Facebook just had an adorable baby. But looking at the picture of her and said baby, all I could think was: man, my friend looks old! This caused me to go on a picture clicking rampage which led me to another conclusion: many of my girlfriends look older! Scared, I went through all of my images. I don't feel like I look that much older, but maybe you can't tell looking at your own pics. Maybe my friends are clicking on my pics and going, "Yikes, Holly looks hella old!" I am super sensitive about this, especially since I started getting moles. I feel so silly because I don't want to be vain. But I like people thinking I look younger than I am. I guess I am a part of that beauty culture.

This is me and the little homie Amiracle. We look exhausted because we had spent 3+ hours taking out the weave under her wig which had been glued to her actually hair and skin. I was so scared that I was going to rip the hair out of her scalp! I was praying the whole time. First things first: kids should not let other kids do each other's hair. NEVER! Second, this was all the reminder that I needed that I never ever want a weave. Fingers crossed that this situation was stressful enough to make her natural. We shall see.