What About Your Friends?

At my big age, I can not believe that I am still having to ask myself what true friendship is. For some reason, I have a problem with simply diffriciating my friend-friends from acquaintances, or recognizing when people need to be moved from one box to the other or erased altogether. I have had this same issue since grade school, and at this point, I am categorizing this as a mental illness. Apparently, I can not separate what things were from what things are. When I think of someone in my life, I often think about the good old days and not what the situation currently is. For example, when I think of Blinky, I think of all the laughs we had in high school, when she was my dearest friend, and not the fact that she evades me now, which would mean that we aren't as close, but in my mind, Blinky is still my A1 Day 1, even though the proof is not in that pudding. 

I have to say, I have been blessed when it comes to friends. There are people in my life so amazing that it is clear that God has put them within my reach, and I am so grateful for them. Yet, there are also people that I pour energy into that I suspect wouldn't find out if I died for about two years from now if I dropped dead this morning. They come in and out of my life and consistently leave me hanging. But I show up ready for duty for them. I told you, mental illness. 

I no longer make New Years resolutions, but I am making it a point to do better when it comes to this once and for all. If I can better streamline where my love and attention needs to go, I think I will have more energy and be a lot less stressed. I will keep you posted on how things go, but if current behavior is a predictor of future behavior, I am not expecting success. 

41 and Done?

My birthday was the other day!

Over the years, I have had boatloads of emotions surrounding my birthday. Once I turned 30, I began to have a lot of anxiety around getting older. I would also get sad if people didn't reach out to me with birthday wishes, although such is always the case with holiday babies. People get so busy during the Christmas season that we are often forgotten. This was not the case for my birthday this go 'round. Tiesh called and sang me the birthday song and bought me lunch. Bells dropped off flowers and homemade cookies. Lisha got me a soap and perfume set. My aunty got me a cake and ice cream. People called me and sent me well-wishes on social media. I ended the day feeling really loved. Yet, one thing that I noticed is that I wasn't having my usual sadness about not bringing in my birthday with a boyfriend. I really didn't think about it until towards the end of the day, and even then I didn't care. I'd had a good day, and considered my not allowing my birthday to revolve around not being partnered to be a sign of growth. This morning I reconsidered this. Was it a sign of growth or a bigger and more telling sign that I have given up?

Since the inception of Facebook and any other site where you can upload pictures, I have been tortured by fancy pics of my friends out on the town and dressed to the nines with their boyfriends on their birthdays. I have been so jealous and wanted to know what it was like for someone with a romantic interest in me to do special things for me on my special day. I generally have taken my birthday into my own hands. In my 20s, I would throw myself parties because I wanted them and knew that no one was going to surprise me with one. There was no guy in my life going behind my back to make arrangements and inform friends of secret plans. The birthdays of my 30s were filled with free trips to the aquarium and tears. Last year, I was healing from an injury, so this year it was nice to have a fun, stress-free birthday. However, not worrying about not having a man for once has me wondering if I am officially entering into my cat lady era. I am either maturing and realizing that I am loved beyond my desire to have someone in my life, or I am deciding that I will always be alone and to just move past it. If my Googling of knitting classes is a telltale sign, I will have to go with the last choice. 

When I think about the time I have spent bellyaching over not having a man, I am truly embarrassed. I could have used that time to start a business or, at the very least, get some great sleep. For this last birthday, I just didn't have a spirit of bellyacheness on me. I didn't feel over it, I just felt at peace. 

I am choosing to believe that I am merely experiencing the peace before partnership. And even with that being said, I'm not afraid to break out my knitting kit at any time. If wisdom comes with age, allow me to put on my wisdom wig. This birthday showed me what I have always known: I am truly cared for. I will be okay. 

Qualities

My nephew is 7. It's interesting that I'm not his mom, but at times, when I'm interacting with him, I feel like I am dealing with a male, child version of myself. He is a sensitive kid, full of emotions. He cares too much about what his peers think. He's stubborn. These were not qualities that suited me well when I was a kid. I feel that they actually made me a target which I guess still stands true because he sometimes deals with bullies on the school bus, just as I did. 

I can't stand bullies, but I often wonder what my childhood would have been like if I was more gangsta and had more confidence. I could have gone on to be the next Oprah or Wendy Williams. Even now, I deal with second guessing myself, which I feel is rooted from when I was a kid. I remember times when I thought I looked pretty, a mean kid would tell me I didn't, and my whole day would crumble. My moods were dependent on how I was received. I don't want that experience for my nephew. 

Remember when they used to talk about "designer babies"? These were babies where the parents could choose the physical aspects they wanted their kids to have somehow through tampering with DNA. For the most part, people were against the idea. I think it would be cool if we could choose the other qualities we wanted our kids to have. I would have hounded my sister to make sure my nephew didn't have my qualities. I'd tell her to make sure they sprinkled some tough skin and bravery in the baby juice, because these are things I lacked that I am still trying to obtain. 

Even so, I still find that I bask in the sweet, childlike nature of my nephew. I just want him to be able to kick a$$ and take names when need be in life. As I said, I want him to be brave. I don't want him to have my qualities. 

The Block Circlers

Oh, how cold weather and loneliness seem to be an Alzheimer 's-causing combination for the men in my life. I say this because during late summer and early fall, when the living was easy and the fish were jumpin', a few guys that I was talking to let it be known what their conclusional (I love making up words) opinions of me were. I have to say, the reviews were not good. They made it clear that they were looking for a more "adventurous" female, and I just was not cutting the mustard. And to be brutally honest, they also felt I wasn't "sexually immature" and felt like I was in middle school or something. I gave them the ick, so they had to roll. I mean, I still have these texts in my phone! Yet now, that the weather has cooled and the warm-weather situations have become couples, the options have gotten sparse, and they find themselves reaching out to me. Little ol' unsuitable me! Guys like this are referred to in the streets as Block Circlers, and they really are pieces of work. 

"They are reaching out to you because they figure that you may have forgotten what went down earlier. It has been a few months," P explained. 

The explanation makes sense, but it is shocking. I mean, if I told a woman in my life that I thought that she sucked and was too much like a kid to get on my level, I wouldn't expect to hear from her ever again. I wouldn't want to talk to her again either. However, this is not the mindset of the Block Circler. They are motivated by testosterone and loneliness, and they are not be trifled with. They are convincing! They come at you with such renewed enthusiasm that it will have you wondering if you imagined the text argument that left you devastated and in tears. Let me just tell you: you didn't. 

I say all that to say that I would love to have some love under the tree this holiday, just like every other single person in this romantic wasteland of a city. Call me high maintenance, but I would also like that person under the tree to actually like me. I shudder to think of all the people involved in a block circle blunder with someone who won't make it to Valentine's Day. They are setting themselves up to learn the same lesson twice. Yikes! They will also inevitably end up alone again, even if only for a short time, before people start taking partner applications in March. 

My short foray into dating has shown me that romance procurement is a cyclical situation. This is why people dump their nobody after Dr. King Day so that they aren't on the hook for V-Day plans. This is also why they reach back out to that same person right before it's time to put up the tree. I have to say that it doesn't really feel good being the person being circle-blocked upon.  However, it's cold out and I have nothing else to do. I might as well reply to that good morning text. 😒

Blah

For the first holiday in a lot of holidays, I am finding that I am not suffering from seasonal depression. This may have something to do with my apparently not recognizing that the holidays are happening. It is hard to be depressed about something that you are not acknowledging is going on in real time. I just happened to look up yesterday and noticed that there was something off about the living room. 

"Are we not putting up the Christmas tree this year?" I asked my aunt. 

She looked over at the empty space where the tree would usually be standing. "I guess not."

Although it is very cold in Atlanta, it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. Even with the hundreds of bad holiday movies I am confronted with on all my streaming services, I can't equate right now with being just a few days before Christmas. I even missed my holiday service at church, but not on purpose. The days flew by, and I forgot to go. 

My grandma used to say that Christmas is really a celebration for the kids in your family, which is crazy, because my 7-year-old nephew is usually holiday crazy, but has not been this time around. He formulated a completely unrealistic Christmas list based on a catalogue that came in the mail from Amazon. He gave it to me, and that was the last thing I heard him say about Christmas. 

I'm not unhappy this go 'round, but I am certainly not jolly. There is so much going on in the world and in the country that I think that the holiday spirit, or even negative feelings I may have around it, have been zapped from my consciousness. I even turn 41 in like a week and have no feelings about it outside of being grateful. My emotion about the holiday boils down to one word: blah. 

Another One Bites the Dust

I have been texting with a nice guy on a dating app I am on. He is super chill and cute and seems pretty normal. However, on Wednesday, he asked me via text if I wanted kids. I told him I was cool with being a stepmom if my partner had kids, but I didn't want to have kids out of my own body. He asked me why and said he was just asking. Sigh. So, I told him the truth. I never wanted to have kids of my own because being the oldest of four made me feel like a mom when I was a kid. However, as stated previously, I have no problem being a stepmom. He left me on read. 

Two things. First off, I can not believe that I am being asked at 40 if I want to have kids. When do men think that the menopausal process starts? 75? I really do believe that ever since Janet Jackson had a baby at 103, men have gotten confused and all turned around on the matter. I'm about to age out of the game bruh! If I got pregnant today, I really do believe that I would give birth to a walnut. Secondly, let's make a rule. Let's have it chiseled into stone and then sent out on little laminated cards for people to keep in their pockets. When we are discussing a matter as serious as family planning, it is INHUMANE to leave a person on read. We are not animals, sir! And even if we were, I like to believe that if a man gazelle was texting a lady gazelle about babies, he would reply to all messages because, and this is important, they even have decency in the wild. 

Wednesday was a long time ago. I wonder if my response turned him off or if he is just busy? Who knows? What I do know is that I promised myself a long time ago not to lie about whether or not I wanted to have kids. So, I hope he does respond. If not, at least I was honest. 

The Last Normal Man in America

I was excited to meet Tiesh's new boyfriend, Michael, because we had been praying for him for about 10 years, and I wanted to see what God provided. However, I was a little nervous. I have self-appointed myself the New Partnership Interrogator/Partnership Procurement Officer for my friend groups, and over the years, I have gotten really good at the job. Just consider me an Olivia Benson for my single friends. I investigate, ask the hard questions, and try to sniff out any general b*tcha*sness that my friends may be missing. 

What makes me so good at the job when I don't have a man myself? Being fat. When you are a fat person, you kind of live life on the sidelines while everyone else is moving and shaking. And before I became the ball of awesomeness that is grown Holly, kiddie, tween, and teen Holly observed and filed enough foolishness from the relationships of the people around her, uninterrupted and clearly, that she was set by young adulthood to start her gig. I can spot a loser from a mile away. There are signs, sayings, and even aromas that alert me to when one of my friends has bagged someone bogus. Tiesh is my friend with good sense, so I doubted that Michael would be horrible, but even your smartest friend can make an oopsie. I invited them to my Airbnb when I got to New Orleans for a sit-down in the house's really cutely decorated living area. But make no mistake about it. Tiesh and Michael were walking into an interrogation room. 

At first sight, Michael seemed sweet, handsome, and unassuming. This means nothing. My last friend who dated a guy with those same qualities found out six months in that he was bisexual with kids he didn't claim. It was imperative that I not be moved by any outside factors, like the huge smile Tiesh got when Michael spoke. It's cute but irrelevant. After some small talk, it was time to get down to business. 

"Are you going to marry Tiesh?" I asked him. I mean, come on, if not, why were we all there? 40 is different than 20. There is no time to waste. 

He said that he hoped to, if she said yes. And he went on to talk about his family and his job and his willingness to move to New Orleans to be with Tiesh if need be. He communicated clearly. No sexual undertones. Didn't seem annoyed, scared, or humored by my line of questioning. Showed me a picture of his grandkid. Helped me out of an overly plush chair my butt sank into before leaving. After he left, I sat silently with my thoughts in the bedroom, preparing a mental debrief for Tiesh for when she inevitably reached out for my opinion. After much deliberation, I concluded that for about an hour, I may have been in the company of a normal man. 

Yes, my findings are based on only what I have observed. For all I know, this guy could have a freezer bag full of babydoll heads in his car trunk. But I don't think that is the case. A lot of women do not agree with me, but I think normal is good. Over the years, normal has translated to boring. But let me tell you, in a world where men lie and cheat and have all types of freaky tricks up their sleeves, normal is what you want, especially in middle age. Desiring a man who keeps you on the edge of your seat with falsehoods and mind-bending lie-riddles is a young woman's game, and a fruitless one at that. Dealing with men with those qualities in your 20s, you will be lucky not to be loony by your 30s and out for blood by your 40s. You want a guy that you can believe that makes your blood pressure stabilize, and I think that Michael may be this man for Tiesh. 

I was happy to report this to her, and I am prayerful that 2026 brings normal guys for the rest of my single friends, in the event that Michael is not the last normal man left in America.