Pages

Thursday, December 28, 2017

They Don't Dance Nomore

I talked to Robin Mercury last night!
This is big news because I don't get to talk to her too often. She lives in California and she is super busy but let me tell you, she is one of the best friends a girl can have! She knows how to do hair and she won't charge you to hook you up! She will party with you on Saturday and go to church with you on Sunday. I mean really, she is amazeballs. She is also an artist and a really good dancer, yet she told me during our convo that she is no longer drawing or dancing.
"What?!" I cried when she told me.
"I know, but I don't have time," she said, braiding some weave into her hair. We were using that Facebook chatty video thingy.
Robin's story is not unlike many of ours. Bills and obligations have made work a priority and all those eccentricities that made us cool girls have no place in our lives as women.
I can connect with this. When I was younger, I LOVED to read. I mean, I could finish the fattest book in the world in a day. I had all the series. I would thirst for literature. But now I have no time to read the way that I would like.
Is this a strictly female issue? I ask because I don't have time to read because I am working, but my brother works, a horrible overnight shift at that, and he still makes time to play his PS4, even if this means he only gets mere minutes of rest before he has to clock in again.
Is this what Aunty Maxine Waters was talking about when she said she was trying to reclaim her time? Is she making time to meditate in between debates and interviews on Capitol Hill?
Maybe I can get in a few pages of a book a night before I go to bed. Anything to refresh my inner girl.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

The Secret's in the Sleeve

Okay so here is the deal: I went to homecoming and saw that a lot of my friends had lost weight, and they looked FABULOUS! Then I came home and was informed that the word from the curb was that these chics had lost all this weight because they'd gotten the gastric sleeve. This was super shocking, seeing that the person who told me this had also gotten it done! For those of you who don't know, it's some procedure where they reduce the size of your stomach somehow. I have read up on it and I will be honest, I don't really understand the science of it all. But still, I was amazed by this news!
Then I went to IG and really began to investigate all of the weight loss bloggers that I really like and I now suspect that they are all sleeved as well. They are NEVER sweaty in those super cute gym pics. I felt duped!
So, confused and not sure how to feel about all of this, I referred to my moral compass: Haynes. I asked her if I should get the sleeve and she was all like I should do what will make me happy. Typical Haynes, encouraging me to think about my actions and how they affect me, as if that has ever worked! So I then went to Bells, who was all like do it!
Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm cheating, even though technically, if I went through with it, the only thing I would actually be cheating is an early death. But it is cheating, right? I don't like girl cheating, which is why I don't wear foundation when I need it or fake eyelashes even though my real lashes are embarrassingly short. I know, I know, I have a lot of nerve talking about cheating. I was the first one to take biotin tablets to make my hair grow. Then, when people asked me what I'd done it, I credited prayer and my Shea Butter regimen. But you have to understand, I was tired of being bald and wanted my hair to grow already, and I felt super pretty with longer hair. Maybe that is what it is about; not whether or not you are cheating but how the said cheating makes you feel. I mean, isn't it about your health and how you feel about yourself?
I wish I was friends with Donnalyn Perriwinkle. She girl cheated big time and got some very, VERY, VERY, very obvious breast implants. And anyone who would say that she doesn't look Tony the Tiger grrreeaattt is lying! She looks gorg, and I would like to ask her what made her decide to go through with it. Did it bother her that people would know that they weren't hers? How did she feel afterward?
Sadly, a matter such as whether or not to get a sleeve isn't a purely cosmetic one like whether or not to get implants. One could consider it a matter of life or death. And I really need to consider it, even thinking about it is putting my nerves to the test, a test that, if you weren't reading my every move, I would totally cheat on.

Bring in NYE with Haikara Saki


Winter Rose
-2 oz Haikara Yuzu or Haikara Momo
-½ oz rum
-1 oz Lime Juice
-Dash of Simple Syrup
-Dash of Rose Water
-Dash of Lavender Bitters
-Ginger Ale for topping
-Cranberries or orange peel (for garnish)

Directions:
-Add all ingredients, except ginger ale, to a cocktail shaker, add ice and shake vigorously until the outside of the shaker is frosted and beaded with sweat.
-Strain into rocks glass. Top with Ginger Ale and garnish.
Created by: Nick Mautone


Friday, December 22, 2017

The Andre 3000 Theory

Sometimes when it's late at night
And you have no one to talk to
Here's what you do, you go through that 
Raggedy cell phone 'bout two or three times
Tracy ain't home, Tina ain't home
The love below starts talkin' to ya 
-"Vibrate" by Andre 3000
The Love Below album

Well ya'll, 2018 is right around the corner. I guess it's time for me to tell you guys all these pie in the sky resolutions that I've created for myself that will never be achieved, thus setting myself up to feel like a loser by Valentine's Day. NOT!
This year, I am taking some things I have learned from watching Aunty Iyanla Vanzant to fix my life. It is time to get down to brass tax. I only have two resolutions this year. On the physical end: to lose weight. I have shared my weight loss struggles with you before and worry not, there are many more posts to come outlining my addiction to sugar and my emotional eating. But here, I would like to focus on my emotional resolution: to clean house, starting with my phone.
If you all have been reading me for the past few years, you know that I have dealt with some real losers romantically. The teens I volunteer with tell me that they are now referred to as "f*%k boys". Let me just tell you, my phone is a Rolodex of "f*%k boys". And really good ones too: ones that have disrespected me to my face, stood me up, demanded sex, ignored my texts, and the list of hurt goes on and on and on. But here is the thing: I no longer talk to most of these men, but I still have their numbers. Why?
This is where Iyanla comes in. Last night, after everyone went to bed, I sat up in the dark, hearing Aunty Iyanla telling me to breathe it out and really think about this. And after a few rounds of deep breathing, I came to the painful realization: I have kept these numbers so I could feel like I had a man. So when I got lonely, I could have some options of some guys I could cake with. These numbers are just tools I have created to sit comfortably in my delusions. I don't have a boyfriend and that's okay. And it really needs to be okay because, let's be honest, I have other crap on my plate that more urgently needs my attention than being single. As far as the caking goes, I better learn how to give myself a hug, because allowing a man that doesn't care to fill my mind with lies to help me feel better for a moment just sets me back on my journey. These numbers are weights around my ankles that are keeping me from accepting reality. I am single. I am going to be 33 TOMORROW. This is life. This is reality. I have to sit in it and start doing my work. BOOM! That's what you call a breakthrough!
Let it rain, now clear it out.
So today, I am deleting a bunch of numbers. This is significant for me, showing myself that I, like Aunty Iyanla would say, am willing to start doing my work. This also means that the next time I am lonely I am going to start texting inappropriate things to my female best friends. This can open up a bunch of issues in my friendships, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.
Here's to 2018!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Joel Says Hi

With the cold weather comes loneliness, and with loneliness comes a short memory. This is the only reason I can think of that Joel would text me.
I may not have told you about Joel because I was so humiliated. And I have told you all some pretty humiliating things, so that should tell you how humiliating this was. To make a long story short he stood me up for a date we had, leaving me crying in front of the train station in a brand new maxi dress waiting on him to show. After an hour and a half of waiting for him and not being able to reach him, I just sat on the bench in front of the train station, crying, IN THE RAIN! And no, this isn't a scene from a bad romantic comedy. This was me last spring! I was embarrassed because I didn't pick up that he was a dirtbag when we first met. I was embarrassed because I waited so long on him when it was clear after five minutes that he wasn't coming, and I was embarrassed that, again, I found myself crying over something stupid that a guy did to me. On top of that, I looked hella, hella cute. So I felt like everyone that passed me could tell that the only reason why someone as day-date adorable as me was crying was because I had been ditched. Again, humiliating.
So, being the emotional eater that I am, I gathered my purse and my emotions and crossed the street to the pizza place where my date was to have taken place. There I ordered a pizza while trying not to cry in front of the cashier.
"Do you want a cupcake?" the cashier asked. I frowned. I am a cupcake fan, but the cupcakes behind the glass at that place looked funky. And by funky, I mean vegan. I told her no and was about to sit down and wait for my pizza when I remembered that there was a new cupcake place around the corner.
So, emotionally beaten in cheap, wet shoes, I made my way to the new hipster cupcake shop that offers free wifi and cool seating. I walked in to be greeted by the curious stares of couples which, of course, made me feel more like crap.
I ordered my cupcakes but couldn't find my debit card, which I knew I'd just had because I paid for my pizza. I just couldn't keep it together. I started sobbing as I frantically searched my purse, and I have to say, I had never seen so many people look so uncomfortable at once.
Once I got my cupcakes and pizza, I stood across from the train station, waiting on my Lyft. And can we just say thank God for Lyft and Uber! They have helped me to escape a lot of horrid situations that I otherwise would have had to sit through.
The Lyft pulled up in front of the train station instead of where I was. I didn't want to go back over there because it was embarrassing but I did, ready to go home. Just as I was about to open the door the community wine-o approaches me out of nowhere. She had on a dress that reminded me of Joseph's technicolor dream coat.
"Hey big mama!" she shouted in front of the train station. Everyone stopped to stare. "Let me get a piece of that pizza. I'm hungry!"
I sighed, moving as close to her as her funk would allow and whispered, "Ma'am, I was ditched for a date today."
She nodded and opened my Lyft door for me, allowing me to get in. And that, friends, is what makes this story fantastic.
I came home and shared my food with my aunt and brother and later confided in my brother what happened. He looked at me confused. I was confused too.
But not as confused as I was today when Joel texted me, talking about how he missed my face and voice. Boy bye.
You will be happy to know that I didn't respond. Let this story prepare you. If the cuff texts haven't come yet, they are coming. Stand strong, and remember why you don't talk to the person to begin with.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Meet the Hollands

Recently, I met P's wife and sons.
I am not sure if I have updated you properly on P's life in some time, but here is the long and short of it: P now has a wife and sons. It is so crazy seeing this guy that I went to college with, a guy that used to smoke pot and try to be a player, now as a devoted Muslim with a family. I mean, it's really wild.
Since the day that he got married, I have pretty much been insistent on meeting his wife. And since the day he got married, he has been coming up with excuses as to why it would never happen. But it happened randomly and I was excited about the meet and greet...until I remembered The Miami Disaster.
I think most of you all recall the nightmare that was me meeting Brownie and his fiance now ex-wife in Miami. An evening of light conversation and drinks at the hotel bar ended in me being accused of having sex with him and him getting ditched on the curb while she stormed off in a tantrum. And then there is Quinny's wife. She has never told me to my face that she doesn't like me. I just got the feeling that she didn't when my invitation to her and Quinny's wedding got lost in the mail. As a typical rule of thumb, the lady friends of my male homies hate me.
This continued to run across my mind as I met P's wife. She is really pretty and nice and sweet. But the issue has never been me liking the girl. I felt like I was in a job interview. I really didn't want to mess up. Because if experience has taught me anything, it's that these dudes ain't loyal. I just knew if I said one off thing, I could kiss my friendship to P goodbye.
But everything went well. I really enjoyed meeting her. It went so well, in fact, that I wondered if I should try to get a redo with some other shakey situations I am in with the wives of my male bffs. I know, I know. Baby steps.

Not Another Grad School Post

Sigh. Barf. Gag.
The end of the year is here and it's time to make those pertinent yet annoying resolutions that I am not going to work on that are going to make me feel like a loser this time next year.
Yawn. Yuck. Ew.
Since I graduated from college, the biggest thing that I have gone back and forth about in my life is whether or not I want to go to grad school. When I was 24, the answer was no, and three weeks shy of 33 the answer is still no. Just thinking about those GRE flashcards from hell is making me cringe as I type this.  I am not a good test taker! But here is the thing: life isn't all about what you want to do.
You see, some things haven't panned out the way that I wanted them to. For one, I am not a rich and famous journalist. That was the Plan A. I am also not close to Plan B, which is marrying someone rich that would provide me with a lifestyle so fabulous that I would forget that I am not on CNN. So as these things are not happening, what am I supposed to do? Chill and wait for something amazing to fall out of the sky? I hate to get biblical here, but didn't Jesus say something about God helping those that get off of their lazy butts and study for a test that they'd rather not take to get into a grad school that they can not afford to become something that they don't want to be?
I wish I knew how to multi-task and plan ahead. When I was in my 20s and had the energy, I should have been doing my journalism thing while getting an advanced degree in something that could cushion me or further me along in some way. Unfortunately, I have always been an all-in dreamer type of a girl. I put all my eggs in one basket and crossed my fingers, hoping for the best.
The good news is that I think that I am still young enough to correct this. The bad news is that I don't have the energy to. Ugh, damn my dreamer spirit! I mean, I don't think I would be a bad social worker or kiddie shrink. I have this weird interest in urban planning that could probably take me places in a city like Atlanta if I applied myself. These careers would also provide me with the coin needed to get out of some debt and have a half decent standard of living. But I probably wouldn't write as much, and even though I'd be career-winning, I'd feel like I was emotionally losing if I wasn't living my dream.
Adulting is hard. A lot of thinking and decision making goes into becoming the macaroni with the cheese.
I think that it is best that I am practical and at least do some things that will provide me with some options. Sadly, this includes looking into grad school programs. If I get into some place by the fall I can be on my way to having a real adult life by 35. I'm talking zero balances and home ownership. Hopefully, my sell-out job will give me health insurance and enough time to update this blog on my lunch break.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

30 something, single, with standards

There is this boy that likes my friend BLEEP. We will call him Dorkums. He has a good job and he is socially conscious. He is clean and funny and yes, a little dorky. He also isn't that hot. But he is a Black man who is employed and kind that still dates Black women. Too me, this makes him a prize! Yet, BLEEP isn't attracted to him. Plain and simple. I think that she should marry this guy, and I think that she thinks that I want her to lower her standards. I mean she's right, how can you date someone that you aren't attracted to? I don't think that she should lower her standards but she just turned 30. I think it is time for her, and many of us like her, to redefine attraction.
When I used to play in the pool at the gym with my elder shero Mama Mermaid, she would tell me cool stories about times past. She told me that she married the love of her life, but that she still got sick thinking of all the men that she and all her friends passed up because they were a little bald or a little weird. She was sure that many of them were good guys. Hot guys are a dime a dozen, but not good ones.
This is what I thought about while I was at homecoming. Honestly, many of the guys from my class still looked as hot as they did ten years ago to me. Sure, some of them are losing their hair, have man acne, or are a little thicker in the middle. Yet still, to some of my friends, they were no dealers just as they were when we were freshmen. This let me know that it's time for some of us sisters to accept some cold, hard facts.
For one, there is more to a guy than the way he looks or dresses. Dorkums looks like Baloo from Jungle Book and wears comic book tees. But he seems to have good sense. That's priceless.
Also, and I hate to say this, but it's true: as women get older, it is harder for them to find love. I think that this is common knowledge that many of us are choosing to ignore because we know that we are a catch. As women get older, they are considered dusty. As men get older, they are considered refined. And don't point out Tina Turner. She is not the rule, she is the exception to it. Someone told me that for women, the 30s are the prime of their lives. I suggest we utilize this time wisely because we don't have all the time in the world. After this, dudes will start dating girls in their 20s and 30s. We have to get it while the gettin' is good. For me, a biological clock is less about the time you have left to procreate and more about your shelf time. There is an expiration date.
I am sure that hurt you to read because it stung me to write it.
And hey, don't go thinking that I think I am any better than you. I once stopped talking to a perfectly normal guy because he said he wasn't a fan of Erykah Badu! But since then, someone told me the hard facts that I just shared with you. Take this information under advisement and at least give the Dorkums in your life a chance.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Homecoming Post 9: Living Single

Let's go back to fall of 2003. My grandma, mom, aunt, and I stood to the side as one Lauchland Roberts carried my stuff to my dorm room at Katherine Drexel Hall. I was openly ogling this man as he, and this is not an exaggeration, carried my mini fridge to my room with one hand. He had pretty dark skin and had an earring in his ear. A boy with an earring. That was very hot to an 18-year-old me. Today, I see a young man with an earring in his ear and I clutch my purse and cross the street.
After everything was moved in my grandma summoned me outside to speak to me privately. She had been getting on to me all day because I'd had an attitude all day. I figured she was going to say something to me for staring at Lauchland. And she did...sort of.
"I saw you staring at that boy."
I said nothing.
"You know, most people find who they are going to marry in college," she continued. I squirmed, nervous that my ultra-conservative grandmother was going to say something about sex or condoms. "So, get your work done, but be aware."
"Aware?" Was she trying to tell me to marry Lauchland? I'd only known him for twenty minutes, but done! I mean, he had an earring!
My grandmother, who was nothing if not prepared, knew I would need a little help getting the attention of these potential suitors. So, she let me know that she had packed me a Ziplock bag of foam rollers and some Blue Magic Hair Grease in my trunk. Seeing that I had micro braids at the time, I had no intention of using those old-school rollers or that hair grease. But I smiled and nodded. Not for nothing, I would later serve on a homecoming committee for Lauchland's girlfriend at the time who happened to be Ms. Xavier. I used to wonder if she rolled her hair and if that was how she got Lauchland's attention. Maybe, maybe not. But she's married now and I'm not. Draw your own conclusions.
Obviously, I didn't take my grandma's advice which was why I had anxiety about attending homecoming. I was afraid that I was going to be the only person there that was single. Social media had led me to believe that everyone from my class was hitched with kids, living The Cosby Show life. However, upon arriving at school, I realized that ten years after graduation, life for many of us gals is less like The Cosby Show and more like Living Single.
All my single friends at homecoming looked amazing. They are all a lot of fun and have cool jobs. They look really cute in dresses and they smell really good. They like to dance and they travel the world. These are the super dope girls! It baffles me as to why they are single. They are babes! Bosses! And they all seem to be enjoying the frick out of life.
It wasn't until I hung out with these girls, twerking on the stage barefoot at The Masquerade, that I realized that being single isn't scary, but the rate that time is flying is. Ten years have felt like ten minutes! It could have easily have been junior year! I don't want to take a nap, wake up ten more years from now, and be in the same romantic situation. If I understood the concept of time when I was 18, I would have done as grandma suggested, I would have been more "aware". Who knows? Maybe I could have snagged one of those hot nerds from the engineering department.
Here in Atlanta, so many of the single women in my life are taking active steps to no longer be single. They are exercising because men like fit women. They are repairing their credit because men don't want a broke woman. They are going to shrinks to work out their childhood stuff because men don't like angry women. For me, all this legwork sounds exhausting, and I haven't seen proof that it works. The most I am willing to do at this point in my life is put my hair up in some foam rollers.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Homecoming Post 8: Kappa Krush part 2

Listening to Kappa Kakes talk to my friend at the Kappa tent during the homecoming tailgate was taking me from 0 to 100 real quick. My feet were hurting. I was thirsty. I wanted to sit down, and my hip was sore from falling in the club the night before. I was tired and I could feel myself getting crabby like a toddler, and watching Kappy Kakes' hazel eyes twinkle in the sunlight was, for some reason, pushing me to the edge.
Bored with their conversation, I turned my head to the right to give my nerves a break and there he was: Kappa Krush. While his frat brothers were serving food, taking pictures, and flirting with their fans, he was the cheese that stood alone, dancing excitedly with himself. But that wasn't the right time to approach. I had a plan.  
Yes, I had a plan. And just so you know, from the jump, this plan was full of holes and destined for failure. But, on the way to New Orleans, I had begun to think of all the guys I had liked in school that I hadn't told out of fear of humiliation. Now, they are married to chicks that aren't so beautiful that they couldn't have been me. The ones that sting are the guys that married fatties! Talk about missing the boat! Now, let me be clear, I in no way thought that Kappa Krush would be into me. Not even a little. But for some reason, I was determined to move forward with my plan. And my plan was simple: to get a hug. 
Getting a hug from a Kappa is like taking candy from a baby. They literally hand out girl hugs like free clinic brochures. But I felt like it would be suspicious to just show up at their tent, among all those wet and wavy freshman girls, looking for love. 
Plus, I'd had the same vision for our hug for the past thirteen years. It would take place at a club. "Flex" by Mad Cobra would be playing. We would float to each other and I would fall into his arms as the club applauded. Then, a magic carpet would come, pick us up, and take us somewhere sacred and special, like the Waffle House. #allstarwithgrits
However, by that night I had talked myself out of the plan. I had decided against going to the party at Metro and instead wanted to stay in bed and watch some Law And Order SVU reruns. Then my roommate for the trip, Dizzle, came back to the room TURNED UP and told me that we were going. She had a fantasy she wanted to play out herself which included me, her, and all of our friends dancing to "Wipe Me Down". 
So off to Metro I went with a very, very lit Dizzle. And I ran into a ton of guys from the crush list. You know, the all-stars: Number 5, BobTheBuilder, Cardio Cutie, TheMartin. But, by the time the DJ had gotten to the Houston mix, I was too tired to do The Southside. I decided to Uber back to the hotel. Before I left the dance floor, I stood against the wall to put my shoes back on only to see that I was standing right next to Kappa Krush. 
Isn't it funny how things work out? He was just standing there, looking out onto the dance floor. 
"Hey!" I spat, a bit too loudly, even for the club. 
He looked down at me. "Oh hey."
I then proceeded to receive the most lack-luster side hug I had ever received in my life! I don't know what I had expected a hug from him to feel like, but the club definitely didn't break into "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. It lasted three seconds and then he walked away. A crush thirteen years in the making folks! I felt like someone had let the air out of my balloon. 
I spent the rest of the night crashing the VIP section of some very hot, hot, hot Deltas. Talking to them took my mind off of the stupid expectations I had put into a crush on a man that didn't know me from Adam. It can't possibly be healthy to live this deep in a fantasy world, could it? All that time I had spent daydreaming about boys that didn't give a shit I could have put into finding a real man that gave real hugs. I decided then and there I needed to come back to life, back to reality. 
The reggae mix came on and I turned my head to see a very drunk boy from my class slow winding with himself, laughing at himself while he sipped on a drink. 
"Having fun?" I yelled at him. 
He smiled and nodded, boy twerking to Wayne Wonder. 
Being dorky like that will get you put on the crush list...#SigmaSauced

Homecoming Post 7: 33 and Me

I will be 33 in less than a month. Believe it or not, I had almost forgotten, until I went to homecoming and remembered that once upon a time, I used to walk up and down the campus multiple times a day. Up stairs and down stairs. Across the canal and back again. Oh to be 19, because on the verge of 33, all I wanted to do was sit down someplace and take a nap. Yes, homecoming taught me somethings about myself as an old woman. Below are some points.

I can party...just not all night
When I was a sophomore, me and two of my friends decided to literally stay on Bourbon Street from dusk until dawn. We stayed at the club until we were put out for falling asleep on the stage at around 7am. I don't know why we would do something that stupid. During homecoming, I felt like I was winning, leaving each party promptly at 1:30am. I can't be cute if I don't get enough sleep. Which brings me to my next point.


I have a bedtime
Yes, I am in my 30s with a bedtime and I don't care how much of a lame that makes me. I. Need. My. Rest. Thumbs up to the hotties I saw on campus who I saw at the club the night before who left after me and were still cute in the morning. I know I make being cute look easy, but it ain't. It's a delicate combination of water consumption, fish oil tablets, and sleep that is keeping me alive and pretty. 

I hate shoes 
Once upon a time, I would be be uncomfortable on purpose just to be cute. Tight skirts and dresses. Yass girl, I tried it! Not today. I may be able to tolerate uncomfortable clothes, but not shoes. When my feet hurt, I have to kick my shoes off. In the grocery store. In church. At the club. I can not stand to be in shoes. My feet have to be free! I enjoyed being barefoot at the club all of homecoming until I saw some little shit taking a picture of my feet. I'd like to say this made me put my shoes back on. It didn't. 

I think all men are fine 
At the tailgate, everyone guy I saw looked good. They all looked young. They all looked buff. They were all hotties. After having a who's cute powwow with friends, I was informed that I must have been seeing things. They are all fat, not buff, and were definitely hotter in college. I disagree. They have all aged like fine wine to me. Those advanced degrees have done their bodies good honey! 

I no longer have an alcohol tolerance 
Club night one: I had an amaretto sour, heavy ice. Club night two: I had a Ciroc and cranberry that had me sweatin'! Club night three: I crashed someone's VIP and got some cranberry juice. The moral of the story: my drinking days are over. I have lost a taste for alcohol, and the little bit that I do drink nearly knocks me off my feet. #byebyehandgrenadedays

I turn 33 right before Christmas, and I suspect as my 33rd year goes on my list will get longer. And I don't care, another symptom of old age. 

Friday, November 24, 2017

Homecoming Post 6: Kappa Krush pt. 1

I don't know what you were doing in college, but I was pretending to study, looking for anyone, ANYONE, to do my hair, and nursing crushes on numerous young men that had no idea who I was. The list of loves was so long that I couldn't even keep track. It didn't take much to get added to the list either. A guy could have brushed past me in the bookstore, looked at me briefly on his way to looking at someone else. Guys would fall off. Guys would would get added. I mean, it was really unreal. I remember all of their faces, some of their names. But no crush is as clear in my mind as the crush I had on Kappa Krush.
Like most guys on campus, I had no idea who Kappa Krush was until he crossed. I had seen him around, but he was pretty unremarkable. I had taken note that he was taller than me, but other than that, he was not on my radar. And then came the Neophyte Show. I sat on the bottom bleacher on the right side of The Barn with the homies, enjoying the show. But when it was time for The Kappas to come out I sat back and yawned. Never been a Kappa fan. I found them ALL to be irritating, and I was not surprised that they were crossing literally every boy that had irritated me since I had arrived on the campus...except the tall boy.
"Hey, it's the tall boy," I told my friend. I remember thinking that it was stupid that they put a disguise on him because it was so obvious who he was. And after he took off his mask, I watched him adorably fumble through their entire routine. The boy was tone death. A fact that I knew he knew because I could see him counting his steps as he did them. How sweet! Nerdy things like that will get you added to the crush list...
I told friends that I had a crush on this guy, and they didn't play along with it like they did with my other fly-by-night crushes. They all gave me very, VERY negative feedback. I think that they were afraid that if they didn't bash him, I may do something stupid, like tell him. These were the same friends that had witnessed the nightmare that was me writing basketball player Tim Green a literal four-page love letter, spraying it with Victoria Secret body spray, sealing it with an ACTUAL KISS, and putting it on the windshield of his truck. Luckily it was retrieved and he never knew about it. I was warned that if I so much as hinted at this crush as I had with Tim, I would be publicly humiliated by ALL of the Kappas- the bald one, that one that sang, the one that dated the AKA, the one with the big eyes, the one who wore the shades, the one with the green eyes. ALL. OF. THEM. I didn't put it passed a boy to be mean to me. Just that last year I had been attacked by the entire basketball team (a post for another day)!
But then I had an interaction with Kappa Krush.
I was in the bookstore with my bisexual homegirl and we were standing behind him in the checkout line. She was going on and on about a girl that wouldn't get the point about their relationship being over.
"I don't get it," she said. "She won't leave me alone."
"Please. You used that girl like a moist towelette," I said, rolling my eyes.
Kappa Krush turned around and laughed. "That's a new one," he said, then went on to ring up his stuff. I could feel my friend tense up. She knew he was on the list and how little it took for me to go overboard.
"Do we need to talk about that?" she asked as we left the bookstore.
"About what?" I asked while thinking, About the fact that we're getting married?! I literally skipped back to the dorm, happy that Kappa Krush, as I had suspected, wasn't a complete douche like the other ones. He was nice!
Now, fast forward to last week at the homecoming tailgate and what would become the end of my 13-year delusion.

Homecoming Post 5: Clay and the Baby AKA

I wasn't on my feet for 20 minutes during the homecoming step show before my feet started to hurt. You see, I wear really cheap shoes with no arch support. So I copped a squat in front of the University Center to rest and watch the crowd. While I was doing so, an adorable little AKA took a seat next to me. She too was experiencing foot pain from walking up and down the campus in high heels. We got to chattin', me and this adorable 20-year-old junior (let's call her Adorable), and I decided to impart some wisdom to her. I decided to tell her the things that no one told me when I was a young woman at Xavier. 

  1. I told her that if she didn't want to wear heels every day, she didn't have to, no matter what her prophytes said. I reminded her that she bought her letters outright, and if she wanted to attend the rest of the homecoming events in house shoes or a worn pair of Chucks, she could. I actually encouraged her to. Your college years should be partially dedicated to challenging the system. 
  2. I advised her not to be a whore. I know that it is no longer PC to slut-shame, but that if she could help it, she should keep the mileage low on her jayjay. She doesn't want to get to 30 and need a trade in. 
  3. She said that she didn't have a boyfriend, so I told her not to sweat the guy she likes that may not seem interested. I guaranteed her that at her ten-year reunion, he will be depressed and divorced and ripe for the picking. Patience wins the race!
  4. I told her about Jasmine, the scary AKA from when I was a freshman. She made everyone's butt cheeks clench whenever she came around. I asked her to stay sweet but do not let the legend of Jasmine die. #remembertheculture
  5. When I was a student at Xavier, I tried to attend everything because, when I didn't, everyone talked about what I missed like it was the best thing ever. So I let her know that there is always another party or event to attend and to not be afraid to miss out. She can stay in her room and give herself a facial or do her toes. There is always next weekend. 
And we chatted about other stuff. I told her about the time I sat on the AKA bench beside St. Joe to rest my feet after a failed attempt to walk to class in heels. An AKA came over and talked to me for about five minutes before telling me to get up. She didn't move until I was successfully limping off to class. LOLs, that's one of my favorite freshman moments.
I felt good afterward, unloading all my knowledge and experience on Adorable, but if she is anything like me, she will forget everything I said and make her own mistakes. This is the beauty of being young. 

Homecoming Post 4:The Hot Girl Rule

Let's go back to the night that Ashley the Rude flipped her hair in my face. Shortly after I recovered from that indignity, I saw THE Donnalyn Parriwinkle. I'm going to be honest: I am a fan of Donnalyn Parriwinkle, even though I am positive she doesn't know my name. I'm honestly quite interested in knowing what she thinks my name is. I bet you it's Debbie. I have been told that I look like a Debbie.
I saw Donnalyn for the first time my freshman year at a basketball game. She was talking pretty loudly in my ear to some guy, and I turned around to say something mean to her and was taken aback by how hot she was. From that point on, she was kind of always on my radar.
So again, lets go back to moments after the hair flip that, somehow, Ethan just happened to miss. We were talking when Donnalyn, followed by a fembot army, marched into the club like she owned the place.
"Donnalyn!"I yelled.
She didn't hear me, but her friend did and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and I called her over. Moments after I did it, watching her walk over to me, alarms when off in my head. "Abort! Abort!" I was thinking in my head. I didn't want to be seen anywhere near this girl! She looked entirely too hot!
Before I left the hotel, I thought I looked cute. I had on a long maroon tunic and a pair of black leggings with my cream jacket. Looking back, I looked more like a stay at home mom going to pick up her twins from pre-K. As I packed for homecoming, I just threw the stuff I normally wear in a luggage. I forgot how cute these XU girls are at all times! This chick had on a fishnet blouse and a brassiere! YES! A fishnet blouse and a brassiere!
We greeted each other and it became incredibly evident, even though she was being polite, that she had no idea who I or Ethan was.
"Can I take your picture?" I asked. I was committed to taking hundreds of homecoming pics to blog with and post later.
"Sure, let's be in it together," she said with a smile. But I knew what she was doing. She was implementing the Hot Girl Rule.
Just in case you didn't know it, unless it is a selfie, hot girls have stopped taking pictures alone. They don't know what you are going to do with them. You being in the pic with them ensures that you don't do anything stupid with their likeness. What she didn't know is that I have my own Hot Girl Rule. I refuse to be photographed with them ever.
"I will take the pic," said Ethan the Clueless.
So there I stood, ten times fatter and taller than Donnalyn, smiling for a picture that I knew was going to be bad.
After the pic, Ethan, Donnalyn, and I huddled around my phone and looked down at the worst picture I have ever taken.
"Oh my God! I look terrible!" I cried, mortified.
"Yeah," Donnalyn said, looking down at the pic. "When you show people, just tell them that you were drunk."
Drunk. Right.
I work from home and I have gotten in the habit of being super casual at all times. Seeing my peers in jumpsuits and skirt sets and dresses with holes in the sides reminded me that I am too young to fall all the way off, even though doing so is sooo comfortable! It doesn't hurt to put forward some effort once in a while. I mean, even Ethan had on a bow tie. Next year I will do better. Not fishnet better. But better.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Homecoming Post 3: Meeting in the Ladies Room

Upon arriving in the fall of 2003 to college, I thought I was all that for about ten minutes. I was wearing gold hoops, a tall tee that made me look shapeless and wide-legged jeans. Then I saw the upperclassman girls and wanted to run back to my dorm room and crawl under the bed! They were all GORGEOUS! And they just seemed to have it all together. They were walking in heels and it didn't even look like their feet hurt. Their clothes fit properly. And they had on real makeup, not the lip liner and Carmax I was rockin'. I remember wanting to just walk among these glamazons, which would have been hard to do when they were wearing those super cute Timberland heels and I was wearing scuffed Reeboks. I just wanted to be grown like them.
Fast forward to last week. I was at a club in New Orleans feeling cute in a pink peplum top and animal print jacket. Then I walked into the bathroom and saw three women, each of them in red bottoms that didn't seem to be making their feet hurt. Their dresses were sparkly, their hair was flat ironed to perfection, and they smelled of Dove soap and Chanel Mademoiselle. Yes, they smelled like upperclassman girls. And, as if it was 13 years ago, I faded into the background, making myself invisible, just to hear the cool girls talk.
"I told my husband that I will support him getting his MBA, but I don't understand why he would get it now. He is making so much money already," Pink Sparkle Dress said.
"I know. My husband also wants to continue his education, but our son is about to start private school. I just don't think getting his Ph.D. right now would work," said Gold Sparkle Dress. "He's trying to squeeze pieces of our ten-year plan into our five-year plan and that gives me anxiety."
"I know!" said Blue Sparkle Dress. "It has to be about what is right for our family and what makes sense."
They all nodded in agreement. Man, even in the ladies room, they were adulting like crazy. And, just as I had years before, I just wanted to be apart of the conversation. I thought of something cool to say, which was going to be, "What does it matter? Aren't you all doctors?", but before I could say it, in Holly fashion, I did something else to get their attention. I sneezed.
They stopped talking and turned and looked at me blankly as they had in the past in the lunch line.
"Bless you," one of them said.
"Thank you," I replied.
They all threw their napkins in the trash simultaneously, then walked past me out of the bathroom.
I have to say, I am way more confident in myself than when I was at 18. But I wonder: even when you are as awesome as I am, do you ever stop wanting to be one of the cool girls? The together girls? Now I understand that I don't want to be them as much as I would like to take on some of their qualities. I'd definitely like to be more polished and seen as more serious. But unlike when I was 18, I am no longer willing to lose myself. So I smell like Caress and Bath and Body Works Body Spray I was given for my birthday? I don't have a husband in business school but I do have my own business. Maybe there is more than one way to be a cool girl. I'm banking on it, because I definitely don't ever plan to learn to walk in heels.

Homecoming Post 2: Sand to the Beach

My first day on the campus of my college, I saw a bunch of interesting stuff. I saw my old speech teacher, class of '97, drunk. This teacher introduced me to the guy that plays Basie Skanks on the show Greenleaf. I ran into one of my favorite nuns (I went to a Catholic college). But one thing that I found, well, interesting, was the number of my classmates that brought their spouses to the homecoming. Question: WHY ON EARTH WOULD SOMEONE BRING THEIR SPOUSE TO HOMECOMING? Is that not the prime example of bringing sand to the beach?
I mean, I really thought about this. Why would you bring your spouse, who most likely didn't go to the school, to your homecoming? They don't know anyone, and you are going to spend a chunk of your time (that could be spent drinking) introducing them to people that you yourself haven't talked to in years. I met a number of significant others who were all nice, but they seemed bored. I was bored for them. When I got tired, I took an Uber back to my hotel. You can't Uber back to Chicago or wherever you came from. 
Immediately, I thought that this had something to do with lack of trust. Husband comes with Wife because he doesn't trust her to come alone. Wife brings Husband because she doesn't trust him to spend time at home alone without her. So they stay bound to each other with invisible handcuffs, smiling all the while and being social, while keeping a watchful eye out for one another. This is possible. 
On the flip side, one may actually want to introduce their spouse to the life that they once lived at the college they once attended. They may actually find joy in introducing their spouse to their old friends and teachers. I would find no joy in this at all. In fact, it would annoy me, rehashing pieces of my past every fifteen minutes. 
Then I had to take off my hater glasses and really reflect: Holly, why would you bring your husband, if you were married, to your homecoming? I would do it for one reason and one reason only: TO SHOW OFF! I never had a boyfriend during my college days, so I would bring my husband and wear him like a cute purse, just to prove to my classmates (who, in reality, probably wouldn't care) that I could actually pull a man. And I would dress him up cute and take him to everything, posing for pics with him with my hand on his chest, the diamonds of my wedding ring catching the flash of the camera. Not for nothing, many of my old peers have some FINE husbands. I mean, really fun 8s out of 10s. 
As a single, thirsty homecoming goer, I will say that seeing people paired off helped me decipher who was attached and who wasn't. It also helped to remind me of the ultimate goal: to find a man of my own and start my own family one day. Seeing girls I knew when I was 18 married with a kid at 32 showed me that this is not only possible but ideal. I actually found myself fantasizing about what my husband would be like when I get one. I will tell you about him here. I'm totally not bringing him to homecoming. 

The Hair Flip

So I went to my homecoming, and shut up. I know that I said that I wasn't going to go because of the anxiety that I was having about it, but I have to say, it was a lot of fun and I am very glad that I went. For one, I thought that I would be the only single, fat person there. Not the case. And no one cared! Everyone was just happy to see everyone, and there was a good time had by all.
However, I am sad to report that some things about the people that I went to school with have not changed. Some of my female peers are still as terminally rude as they were ten years ago.
Once upon a time, about 11 years ago, I had a communications class with this girl named Ashley. I didn't know Ashley well, but I could tell by her attitude that she was one of those petite girls with long, flat-ironed hair that liked to flirt and felt like the world should revolve around her. During a study session, she referred to a male friend of mine that had just crossed Alpha Phi Alpha as fat multiple times. Number one: the boy was not fat. Number two: who uses the word fat so openly around a fat person? I tell you who: Ashley. Ashley the Rude.
Anywho, the first night of homecoming I found myself at a club for an alumni dance party. I was the first one there because I am old and punctual, and if my friend Ethan would not have agreed to meet me there, I would have gone home at 9:30pm. I mean, I really felt like a fish out of water. All I kept thinking was that the music was hella loud and that the young girls that were there needed to go home and change into something more appropriate.
Ethan got there as soon as I had decided to leave, and we stood at one of those tall tables and talked. In mid-sentence, I hear someone yell, "Ethan!" I turned around and who was it but Ashley the Rude. She is still just as cute as she always has been and had on this dope black sweatsuit. Her hair, as usual, was heat damaged to the side.
"Hi Ashley," I said, as she ignored me, stepped in front of me, and gave Ethan the warmest welcome I have ever seen in my life. I half expected him to pick her up, kiss her, and spin in a circle. They caught up briefly, and as Ashley motioned to leave, I said, "Bye Ashley." Homegirl didn't turn around, she simply flipped her hair in my face and walked away to dance with her other rude ass friends. She left me there with a tight face, blinking profusely, in a state of disbelief.
That night, I didn't really dance. I had a good time watching the youngins twerk and hearing my favorite songs on good speakers. My feet began to hurt, so I stood barefoot, rocking side to side to Cardi B, eating ice out of my cup. But on the way back to the hotel in my Uber, I realized that there is some comfort in things not changing for better or worse. Ashley the Rude is still rude. I still hate standing at the club. My classmates still look good. New Orleans is still fun. It's nice to know that as the world kicks your butt, there is still a mislead girl in a tracksuit that will flip her hair in your face for old times sake. This, my friends, is the definition of comforting.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Thanksgiving Cocktails with Santa Margherita Presecco Superiore DOCG

If you are like me, you may need a drink during the holidays. Here are some yummy libations made with Santa Margherita Prosecco Superiore DOCG. 

Orange Cinnamon Blossom
INGREDIENTS
1/2 lemon
1/2 orange
1 tablespoon honey
1/4 cup sugar
3 whole cloves
3 whole allspice
2 cinnamon sticks
DIRECTIONS
Rinse lemon and orange and thinly slice them, discarding seeds; quarter the orange slices. Put fruit in a 4- to 5-quart pan. Add honey, sugar (use the smaller amount if you prefer drinks on the tart side, the larger if you want a sweeter flavor), cloves and allspice.  With a knife, cut the cinnamon sticks lengthwise into thinner strips. Add cinnamon and 2 cups water to pan; bring to a boil over high heat, then reduce heat and boil gently for 5 minutes. Pour Santa Margherita Prosecco Superiore DOCG into hot citrus base and heat until steaming, about 8 minutes.  Keep warm over low heat. Ladle into heatproof cups or wine glasses.

Holiday Sangria

INGREDIENTS
1 large orange, sliced
1 large pear, chopped
Seeds of 1 pomegranate
4 cinnamon sticks
DIRECTIONS
Add fruit to a large pitcher. Top with Santa Margherita Chianti Classico Riserva. Place in fridge for an hour before serving. Spoon fruit into glass before pouring wine. Garnish with cinnamon stick. Add ice to top (optional).

Lemon Elderflower Cocktail
INGREDIENTS
1-2 ounce St. Germain Elderflower liqueur
2-3 drops Angostura bitters
Lemon rind (as garnish)
DIRECTIONS
Place St. Germain Elderflower liqueur into a cocktail glass and add drops of Angostura bitters. Fill glass with Santa Margherita Prosecco Superiore DOCG to mix. Top with twist of lemon.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Fall Faves!

My favorite thing about a season change is switching out my warm weather products for my cold weather products. I admittedly don't know if this is a real thing that women everywhere do, but I do it. And being the weirdo that I am, I REALLY look forward to it, lol. These are my favorite winter products.

The Zoya Party Girls colors are fabulous for fall and winter. The collection has it all: darks, warm colors, a cool blue, and metalics. The shades are ideal for any look you are looking to create for the holidays. Just so you know, that gold color on the end, Nadia, is me all day long come Christmas.
Zoya Party Girl Colors, $10 each

I have essentially been using the same soap since I was in high school. Many soaps dry out my skin are cause me to itch. But this Treets Traditions Revitalizing Ceremonies Foaming Shower Gel is light and nourishing and smells like magic! It's my new favorite shower treat.
Treets Traditions Revitalizing Ceremonies Foaming Shower Gel, $15

I know that there are many of you out there that say that using a hand sanitizer doesn't keep you from getting sick, but believe me when I say that I keep this Everyone Hand Sanitizer Gel with me at all times. People get sick and yucky in the winter and me and hand sanitizer are fighting the good fight against getting ill this season.
Everyone Hand Sanitizer, $5.82

Dark Spots

I tell myself that I am not vain, but I am. Oh, am I! I may not be one of those women who do those IG videos where they are making kissie faces into their phone cameras, but I am close, particularly when it comes to my skin.
My whole life, I have enjoyed a beautiful, creamy complexion. Even as a teen, when I had friends that had such bad acne that they were on prescribed meds for it, I coasted through my days zit-free. My twenties were also wonderful years for my skin. Now I'm in my 30s. Let's just say that things are a little different.
I AM GETTING DARK SPOTS!
Dark spots are a very common skin issue, but they are enough to drive a self-obsessed person insane!
I am so jealous of those girls that made the right decisions in life to get a job that gives them the insurance go to a top-notch dermatologist. Since I am not one of these girls, I have been Googling ways to get RID of these spots. For the next month or so, I will be washing my face with apple cider vinegar and lemon juice. All the articles I have read have said that this is a sure thing. And yes, lemons break me out. I know. But I will have to just drink tons of water to get rid of the zits. Getting rid of the spots are my top priority.
My grandma once told me that your skin is a gift. She died this year at 91, practically wrinkle and blemish free. So I guess I am at an age where I have to take my gift seriously. I will keep you posted on the results.

RECAP: Arts, Beats, and Lyrics


Art and hip-hop enthusiasts made history as the Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey Art, Beats and Lyrics national tour made its way home to Atlanta, serving as the first hip hop/urban event at the Mercedes-Benz Stadium. 
Among other art displays, an art installation by Charly Palmer, was displayed on an electronic LED board in the Art, Beats and Lyrics exhibition.  Patrons also got to enjoy cocktails from the Arts, Beats, and Lyrics sponsor, Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey. 



The Arts, Beats, and Lyrics crowd also got to enjoy a performance from the legendary rapper Rakim, demonstrating why he is recognized as one of the most talented and influential Emcees of all time.  



For information on Art, Beats and Lyrics please visit www.JackHoneyABL.com. (Photo by Kat Goduco/AB+L)

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Sally Hansen Color Therapy Enchanting Gems Collection Available for a Limited Time

Pink Sapphire, $8.99
Just in time for fall and the holidays, Sally Hansen has added six new colors to its Color Therapy line. These new hues, inspired by gemstones, are awesome for the season.
Brilliant Lapis, $8.99

Orchid Amethyst, $8.99
Sally Hansen's Color Therapy collection uses Argan Oil to nourish nails. It also wears for ten days, fade-proof.
Smokey Emerald, $8.99

Opulent Pearl, $8.99

Rose Diamond $8.99
The Sally Hansen Color Therapy “Enchanting Gems” collection will be available at mass market retailers for a limited time. 


The Perfect Cold Night Dinner with Explore Cuisine

Pumpkin Stuffed Green Lentil Cannelloni

Prep time: 45 mins
Cook time: 55 mins
Total time: 1 hour 40 mins
Serves: 3-4 servings
INGREDIENTS
For the Cashew Cream:
  • ½ cup raw cashews,
  • 1 cup water boiling water
  • 1 clove garlic
  • 2 tsp nutritional yeast
  • ¼ tsp salt
  • 6 sheets Explore Cuisine Organic Green Lentil Lasagne
  • 2 cups prepared tomato sauce
  • 1 t0 2 tsp red pepper flakes (to taste, optional)
For The Filling:
  • 15oz canned pumpkin
  • 1 teaspoon nutritional yeast
  • 1 tsp onion powder
  • 1 tsp garlic powder
  • ¼ to ½ tsp salt (to taste)
  • ⅛ tsp black pepper
DIRECTIONS
  1. To prepare the cashew cream (this can be prepared ahead of time), soak the cashews in 1 cup of boiling water for 30 minutes. Drain, reserving ½ cup of the soaking water
  2. Combine the soaked cashews, garlic, nutritional yeast, salt and the ½ cup of reserved soaking water in a high power blender. Blend until smooth and creamy. Set aside or refrigerate until ready to use
  3. In a large pot, bring water to a boil and add salt to taste. Add the lasagna sheets and cook for 10 minutes, stirring often to keep them from sticking together
  4. While the pasta cooks, prepare the filling. Combine all the ingredients in a medium bowl and mix well. Set aside until ready to use
  5. Once the pasta sheets are cooked, drain them and run them under cold water (if any of the sheets are stuck together, separate them carefully). Set them aside
  6. Preheat the oven to 375F. Combine the prepared tomato sauce and red pepper flakes (if using) and pour on the bottom of a 10.5 x 7.5 inch baking dish. Spoon about half of the cashew cream over the sauce
  7. To prepare the cannelloni, place about a tablespoon and a half of filling on each pasta sheet and carefully roll each one. Arrange them in the baking dish, over the tomato sauce and cashew cream. Cover tightly with aluminum foil and bake for 45 minutes
  8. Drizzle with the remaining cashew cream before serving. Serve warm
*Recipe by May I Have That Recipe for Explore Cuisine

Friday, October 27, 2017

Redbox.com has the best movies for Halloween

This Halloween is going to be a chill Halloween for me. Even though I am in my 30s, I usually try to dress up and go door to door for candy. No one ever withholds goodies from me, even though I am clearly not a kid. But this year, I don't have the energy to get over on the system. I am going to tuck it in and watch some of my favorite scary movies until I fall asleep, high on miniature Snicker's and unsalted popcorn. Below are some Halloween thriller must-sees, courtesy of Redbox.com.

13 Scariest Classics for Halloween
Psycho (1960)
Night of the Living Dead (1968)
The Exorcist (1973)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Jaws (1975)
Carrie (1976)
Halloween (1978)
Alien (1979)
The Shining (1980)
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Saw (2004)
The Conjuring (2013)

13 Halloween Favorites for the Whole Family 
It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)
E.T. (1982)
Beetlejuice (1988)
The Addams Family (1991)
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Hocus Pocus (1993)
Casper (1995)
Corpse Bride (2005)
Monster House (2006)
Coraline (2009)
Hotel Transylvania (2012)
ParaNorman (2012)
Frankenweenie (2012)

Thursday, October 26, 2017

The Weightloss Post

Me and my trainer broke up.
It was mutual.
I asked her to start training me because she always works out and because she is a girl and my friend and I thought it would be a good fit. Wrong. As you probably have already figured out, it was me, not her.
We only worked out once, and the plan was to work out together once a week and then I work out the other two days on my own. She wrote me out a workout plan and everything. I was pretty stoked.
Then the storm came and I missed my second session. And yes, I am blaming the storm even though I didn't do my by myself exercises before it even came.
By my next session with my trainer, I hadn't worked out since my last session, which was two weeks before, and I also hadn't been chronicling what I was eating. I just totally failed.
So I had to have a heart to heart with my trainer who was doing me an enormo favor by even being willing to help me. I told her I was sad over this loss that I experienced and that I hadn't been doing anything that she'd asked and that I appreciated her but it wasn't her, it was me, and for real, it was me.
She then told me that she was planning to chat with me because she had a work thing that would be happening during our workout days and she wanted to know how we could possibly reschedule.
We walked away, promising to follow-up, like people in a breakup promise to stay friends. The only thing is that she still is my friend.
I am so mad at myself. It's like, I have no motivation. I'm so sad about the state of my weight and what it will take to get it off to do anything about it. It's just overwhelming.
But I have to get serious. The person that I lost in my life had heart issues, and that's something I don't want. I don't want to die.
Fingers crossed that I can see the light and get another trainer that won't end up having to dump me. This time next year, I want to be one of those annoying people on IG that takes selfies of their stomach and preps their food for the week.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

The Online Thing

Bells told me that she is thinking about doing online dating again, and she suggested that I do it as well. That was funny.
I told her what I tell anyone else who suggests that I, me, should go on any type of online dating platform: no.
And I was partially honest with her about why it just could never happen. If I went on one of these sites and actually met someone who would then become my boyfriend, I feel like I would abandon my goals and focus on being in love. Then, if he ever left me, I would be stuck with nothing to show for it.
"Do you think that would really happen?" she asked. She was skeptical.
The answer to that is absolutely. In the 8th grade, when I got a boyfriend, I was so busy talking to him on the cordless phone that my grades went from hot to a hot mess in less than a semester. And, believe it or not, I don't think I have changed that much since I was thirteen. I simply can not focus when attention and love are involved. These are both very addictive things for me, like Apple Snapple and the chocolate covered pretzels that I have in the freezer. Face it: I'm just not a boss that knows how to balance.
The other half of the reasoning is sad yet simple: what if no one likes me? I have dealt with rejection from men in real life. I don't want to have to deal with that online as well. In reality, you can always lie to yourself. Maybe you just haven't come across him yet. You can't do that online. There are thousands and thousands, maybe even millions, of desperate men online. If not even one of them was found by the cyber gods to match my values or characteristics, that would be devastating! If that happened to me, I may not try to date for a long time. And I am 32, okay? It's not like I have time to waist on the bench.
I guess online dating has a lot to do with taking chances and God knows I have never been good at that. Here's to hoping that I find a man naturally, like in the feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery store.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

The Barber pt. 2

You all would be so proud of me.
I have been even more needy than usual lately. I experienced a loss in my family and since then, I have been in desperate need of long hugs and soft conversation. In my mind, this is the definition of compassion. But as you all know, my mind is not often in line with reality.
Anyway, just as I was feeling at my worst, I got a text from The Barber. Can you believe it?! The last time I heard from him, he told me that he wouldn't come see me unless I could guarantee him sex! He said what all f**k boys say in a text when they are trying to get on your good side: Hey.
This is where you guys will be proud of me: I didn't respond.
For many of you gals out there with stellar self-esteem, you probably don't see the achievement here. But for simps like me, especially ones in extreme emotional distress, this is a big deal. Not engaging a loser for attention when you are lonely can be very hard.
Now, I won't lie. For a split second I did think of responding. I needed some type of kindness, and by this point, my friends had had it with my depression and were forwarding me to voicemail like I was a bill collector. I thought that maybe me and The Barber could meet up and he could hug me. Then, if he tried anything else, I could scream in his face and run to the nearest corner to catch an Uber.
But honestly, I didn't feel like running. I also didn't feel like a second of niceness was going to be worth the disrespect he would inevitably give me later when he didn't get his way. You may call this common sense. I call it growth.