So, I am talking to a friend of mine who wants me to feel better. So she is pretty much telling me how she is making herself better to prepare herself for the man God has for her.
I am just listening silently.
I don't have the heart to tell her that God has no one for me because I am officially an adulterer because I didn't respect someone's union.
I know that she loves me and wants me to be well, but at this moment in time, I want to scream in her ear.
Her answer to my mood is to pray. I have this thing where I don't pray when I know I was in the wrong because that is just whack and I don't feel that God appreciates that. It's shifty.
She is telling me to cheer up and honestly, today was a good day, but for the most part, I just want to inhale junk food and watch SVU on Netflix. I think that that is going to be the key to my healing, not getting my eyebrows plucked so I feel better about me.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
New Roomie
So, the other day Connie announces that she has found another roommate. It's a girl she works with. I forgot her name just that quick, but she seems like she is going to be nice.
However, just now, she goes on a baby rant about how she wanted a male roommate, which is funny, because she admitted herself that the last dude she tried to get in here didn't want to pay rent.
I politely explained that I have no desire to live with a man before I am hitched, and that she can just let me know when she wants to move a dude in here, at any time, and I can bounce. It is something that I have no desire to even want to try.
Of course, Connie, being the understanding person she is, said that my desire not to live with a man is a personal issue that I "need to get over." This made me smile. Her over desire to want to live with a man sounds like a problem to me. Why are you eager to have a man share your space? That makes my eyebrow raise, but then again, I have "personal issues."
Funny how you can be so different from a person. I am just happy that the newby has a vagina. I didn't like picking up after my brothers when I was a kid, and I wouldn't like cleaning up after a grown man now.
However, just now, she goes on a baby rant about how she wanted a male roommate, which is funny, because she admitted herself that the last dude she tried to get in here didn't want to pay rent.
I politely explained that I have no desire to live with a man before I am hitched, and that she can just let me know when she wants to move a dude in here, at any time, and I can bounce. It is something that I have no desire to even want to try.
Of course, Connie, being the understanding person she is, said that my desire not to live with a man is a personal issue that I "need to get over." This made me smile. Her over desire to want to live with a man sounds like a problem to me. Why are you eager to have a man share your space? That makes my eyebrow raise, but then again, I have "personal issues."
Funny how you can be so different from a person. I am just happy that the newby has a vagina. I didn't like picking up after my brothers when I was a kid, and I wouldn't like cleaning up after a grown man now.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Phone Call Number 2
So yesterday guess who gave me a ring-ding: Mrs. Dreads!
Just as I have made my healing list and feel like I can breath, she decided to hit me up. Sigh.
She called me because I called Dreads. I mean, this lady is on it. Readers, my convo with Mrs. Dreads.
Me: Hello?
MD: Hello, may I speak with Holly please?
Me: This is she. Who's speaking?
MD: Hi, this is MD, Dread's wife.
Me: Oh...hi.
MD: Yes, I'm calling you because Dreads said you keep calling him, so I wanted to call you and see what's up. What, do you need closure or something?
Me: Yeah, that's what I thought I needed. But I'm good now. I erased his number, you don't have to worry about me.
MD: You're good now? Sure? Because I have known this man since he was 16. He does this every now and again. He finds these women. He tells them things. But he never leaves me.
Me: I didn't want him to leave you.
MD: Yeah? Well-
Me: Are you going to come beat me up?
MD: No. I'm a mother. Just because he wants to be a big dummy sometimes doesn't mean I have to be.
Me: Oh. OK.
MD: Well...have a good life! (Dial Tone)
Well, that was that. Dreads snitched on me so she called me. I was respectful, but something about her cool tone made me want to hella start talking shit on a Maury Povich level. This whole thing has made me the type of woman I DON'T want to be. On another note, I kind of like this lady. She's classy. I kind of want to be her friend; although, I doubt that that will happen because of the circumstances. She was in and out of my nightmares last night. I saved the number she called me from. Don't ask me why. I have problems and detachment issues. Don't judge me. Other than that, as far as this situation goes, I guess this is the official end.
Just as I have made my healing list and feel like I can breath, she decided to hit me up. Sigh.
She called me because I called Dreads. I mean, this lady is on it. Readers, my convo with Mrs. Dreads.
Me: Hello?
MD: Hello, may I speak with Holly please?
Me: This is she. Who's speaking?
MD: Hi, this is MD, Dread's wife.
Me: Oh...hi.
MD: Yes, I'm calling you because Dreads said you keep calling him, so I wanted to call you and see what's up. What, do you need closure or something?
Me: Yeah, that's what I thought I needed. But I'm good now. I erased his number, you don't have to worry about me.
MD: You're good now? Sure? Because I have known this man since he was 16. He does this every now and again. He finds these women. He tells them things. But he never leaves me.
Me: I didn't want him to leave you.
MD: Yeah? Well-
Me: Are you going to come beat me up?
MD: No. I'm a mother. Just because he wants to be a big dummy sometimes doesn't mean I have to be.
Me: Oh. OK.
MD: Well...have a good life! (Dial Tone)
Well, that was that. Dreads snitched on me so she called me. I was respectful, but something about her cool tone made me want to hella start talking shit on a Maury Povich level. This whole thing has made me the type of woman I DON'T want to be. On another note, I kind of like this lady. She's classy. I kind of want to be her friend; although, I doubt that that will happen because of the circumstances. She was in and out of my nightmares last night. I saved the number she called me from. Don't ask me why. I have problems and detachment issues. Don't judge me. Other than that, as far as this situation goes, I guess this is the official end.
Healing
This morning I woke up annoyed and ready to sneeze dreads out of my life. So, I made a playlist to start healing.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Death To Dreads
The only reason I had been able to not call Dreads is because my friends have been serial calling me to make sure that I didn't. I had also been trying hard to keep myself busy.
Well, today I had like five minutes of idol time and wanted to talk to him.
Knowing that this was a bad idea I called two of my friends, neither one of them answering.
So, after staring at my phone blankly, I called him. Ladies and gentlemen, my 20 second conversation with Dreads:
Dreads: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Dreads: Oh no no no no no no no no no no no. Be cool...and have a nice day.
Me: OK...bye.
OUCH, right? Well, at least one of us has a moral compass.
However, I got off the phone feeling oddly relieved. My desire to hear his voice was satisfied, and for a split second, I was happy. Then I was sad. Then I erased his number.
I shall wash his stage name off of my mirror. Not sure I am ready to part with the texts though.
It's official again readers. I am announcing for the uptenth time that I am done with men. I think I will go home tonight, maybe I will cry, catch some Law and Order SVU on Netflix, and take Dreads' advice and be cool.
Well, today I had like five minutes of idol time and wanted to talk to him.
Knowing that this was a bad idea I called two of my friends, neither one of them answering.
So, after staring at my phone blankly, I called him. Ladies and gentlemen, my 20 second conversation with Dreads:
Dreads: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Dreads: Oh no no no no no no no no no no no. Be cool...and have a nice day.
Me: OK...bye.
OUCH, right? Well, at least one of us has a moral compass.
However, I got off the phone feeling oddly relieved. My desire to hear his voice was satisfied, and for a split second, I was happy. Then I was sad. Then I erased his number.
I shall wash his stage name off of my mirror. Not sure I am ready to part with the texts though.
It's official again readers. I am announcing for the uptenth time that I am done with men. I think I will go home tonight, maybe I will cry, catch some Law and Order SVU on Netflix, and take Dreads' advice and be cool.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Sorta Beau...Oh Brother
So right after the devastation of Dreads, here comes Sorta.
Sigh.
It isn't that I don't want to talk to him, I just don't have the energy.
In the mental state I am in, I wouldn't be hurt if I never had to talk to a man romantically again.
But here comes Sorta, out of nowhere, just now, talking about how he misses me and wanted to start talking again.
Fantasia did an interview where she said she tried to hack herself because she was tired of men's bullshit. I hear that.
There was a time that I thought that Sorta was gonna be my man. I was really into him and really open and honest with him and he repaid me by having a baby with some club girl while talking to me! And even then, a stupid Holly was still willing to talk to him. And he repaid me by cutting me off and, within the past two years, dropping in and out of my life when he felt like it.
His side of the story: he had stuff to work out, didn't want to hurt me, blah, blah, blah.
I kind of believe him. I want to believe him. He said he wasn't asking anything of me. I wouldn't mind being his friend again and I did miss him. But right now, I am so frazzled from Dreads and work and life that I just want to crawl into a man-free whole at the end of the planet.
I told him I had to clear my head and I would call him back. I don't know. Wish I did.
Sigh.
It isn't that I don't want to talk to him, I just don't have the energy.
In the mental state I am in, I wouldn't be hurt if I never had to talk to a man romantically again.
But here comes Sorta, out of nowhere, just now, talking about how he misses me and wanted to start talking again.
Fantasia did an interview where she said she tried to hack herself because she was tired of men's bullshit. I hear that.
There was a time that I thought that Sorta was gonna be my man. I was really into him and really open and honest with him and he repaid me by having a baby with some club girl while talking to me! And even then, a stupid Holly was still willing to talk to him. And he repaid me by cutting me off and, within the past two years, dropping in and out of my life when he felt like it.
His side of the story: he had stuff to work out, didn't want to hurt me, blah, blah, blah.
I kind of believe him. I want to believe him. He said he wasn't asking anything of me. I wouldn't mind being his friend again and I did miss him. But right now, I am so frazzled from Dreads and work and life that I just want to crawl into a man-free whole at the end of the planet.
I told him I had to clear my head and I would call him back. I don't know. Wish I did.
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