NO!

I am proud to report to you that my 2-year-old niece is a tough cookie. When she doesn't want to do something, she stomps her little foot, crosses her arms, and shouts no at the top of her lungs before running off. This is obviously a behavior that needs to be corrected, yet when she does it, I feel a sense of jealousy. Her response is the response that I want to have to just about everything in my life. 

You see, I find myself in a consistent state of shock over how overwhelming adulting is. Being grown is nothing like how I imagined it as a child. Every day was supposed to be like some version of a Living Single episode. Only, my version was going to include more money and sex and travel. Surprise, this Khadijah is not living that life at all.  But I am single. I guess that is a small win. 

I think of this when I see my niece acting out, and I often wonder what it would be like to respond to the world as she responds to me when I say she can't have another cookie. 

The World: Holly, apply for more jobs that will not call you for an interview. 

Me: No! 

The World: Holly, do something with your hair before you end up with an enormous dreadlock. 

Me: No! 

The World: Holly, please complete all tasks in a reasonable manner so that you don't have to rush. 

Me: NOOOOOOO! 

Instead of stomping out of the room, I tend to roll over and take a good nap, then wake up and stream a movie. There is no solution other than doing what I need to do, you know, adulting, so sometimes, I rather just clock out and dream about my once dreamt about sitcom life. But you can't stay asleep forever. Believe me, I've tried. So at some point (you'd think it would have been before middle age), I am going to have to get up and pull up my big girl undies and do something about my life. But don't ask me to be excited about it because the answer is no! 

Revelations and Realizations

The older I get, the more I get to know myself. I guess that should go without saying, but this may not be the case for everyone. And I find that the things that I am realizing about myself are things that I should have realized years ago. For example, I used to think that I got seasonal depression during the holidays, but I now realize that I get a version of it before every season change, and it manifests as deep mourning. I have been thinking about my late grandma a lot, and experiencing sadness over lost friendships. Risky Business called me this morning and told me that she realized today, at 40 years old, that every man she has been in relationship with, both serious and otherwise, has come out of her friendship circle. You would think that she would have noticed this two decades ago, but I guess it is never too late for a lightbulb moment. I think that as long as we are having these lightbulb moments, we still have an opportunity to change and make ourselves better. In my case, I can continue to work on ways to deal with loss until it doesn't feel as heavy. Maybe Risky can go out on a limb and find a date that isn't a bestie. In my mind's eye, we will continue to prune ourselves until we are finally complete...or close to it. I can't wait to see what that will look like. 

A Change In The Side Tide

Coffee has lost his favorite woman in his rotation. She got a new gig and she's headed up north. He said he's okay with it, that nothing ever stays the same. But I found myself thinking, Man. I wish there was a condolence card for this. 

I love sending and receiving cards, which is pretty much a dying art. Outside of Christmas cards, no one really takes the time to buy cards and make them personal anymore. But what if the cards addressed more modern issues like getting laid off, having to sign up for the draft, or losing your favorite rotation woman? I think a revamp of cards in this way could be encouraging! 

Your favorite side got a new gig

She moved up north and hit it big 

And although she's no longer yours in this way

I'm sure you will find a replacement any day. 

Befriending Coffee has shown me the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into keeping a steady, healthy rotation. It's not some easy, breezy process. A lot of time and skill is involved, so a loss in the stable should be addressed with kind words and top notch stationary stock. Shouldn't we support our friends in all phases of life? Just an idea. 

The Purity Culture Gag

I have unintentionally dipped my toe into Christian purity culture twice. The first time, I was in high school and a co-president of a club that was big on waiting to have sex until after marriage, even though kids were totally hooking up at our regional conferences. I was too young to know better. The second time, I was good into my 30s and totally old enough to know better. Yet again, I was seduced by the idea of monogamy and the promise of a place in heaven. Luckily, both times I have been snapped out of my goofiness by the facts of the world. I am all for dating with intention, but the primary intention should be learning how to deal with the opposite sex's BS so you don't want to pack up your bag and go home every time the crazy presents itself. I mean, my God, I'm a 41-year-old woman who does not know how to healthily deal with the stress and anxiety of not having my text returned immediately. 

Purity culture is all about keeping your cookies in the jar, but what I am hearing out in the world is less about cookies and more about not having the mental juice to even deal with dating at all. Every person who is single and ready to mingle, from 18 all the way up into the golden years, is being bombarded with ideas and information on the opposite sex, most of which are ridiculous. The podcast bros think women are whores who shouldn't vote and ladies think that men are useless liars. What is the intention supposed to be under these circumstances? Finding someone to couple with that doesn't make you physically ill? I think everyone is leaning into sex because it's all they can agree with. Somehow, Christian values have confused the situation instead of make it better. I guess that's because the idea of what a Christian is has changed socially, which is a conversation for another post. 

Ah, if I would have had the confidence and the knowledge to date full force when I was young. It could have been a beautiful thing. With my head held high dressed in the armor of God, I could have kicked losers out of my way with authority and could probably be coupled now. But there is no need to focus on the past. At least I'm going to heaven (I think). 

Curly and the Pee

Something is afoot in the dating world. I am not into the Zodiac or anything like that, but are the planets realigning? Is the sun shifting? Something is wrong in the divine order of things. I don't know what to call it technically or medically, but it seems like many single men have lost their minds, and because I can not make any sense of it here on Earth, I guess it is time for me to take my questions on the matter into the spiritual realm. Recently, a man flashed me his junk "on mistake" during a video call. Risky Business was stood up for four dates in one weekend. And now, Curly has even been taken for a pretty gross ride, meaning that the crazy is even going on in the gay community. I mean, are we all screwed?

Over the weekend, Curly went on a dinner date with his guy friend, Todd, which went pretty well. Then afterwards, they decided to hit up a couple of bars. All was well until they hit up the last bar, a gay bar that seemed pretty niche from the word go. 

"I walked into the bar and literally every guy there looked like different versions of George from Seinfeld," he said. This made me laugh. I mean, how many Georges could there be in one place? According to Curly, it was a whole house full. He went to the bar and ordered a drink, then asked Todd to hold said drink while he went to the bathroom. Todd gremised. Apparently, this was a bad idea.

"The guys here are really into piss play," he informed Curly. "They pretty much pee on each other in the bathroom."

Who takes their date to some type of pee palace piss kink nightmare club on a date?! Curly didn't have time to think about it. He really had to pee. He went to the bathroom, and what he saw was horrifying. First off, the floor was pretty much saturated in urine. And there were no uninals, just some type of group pee troft and a stall with no door. Listening to him describe it, it sounded like a bathroom in some type of overseas men's prison. There was only one man in there at the moment, and he was visibly disappointed when Curly left the bathroom after he relieved himself and didn't stick around for a pee party. On the ride home, Todd seemed a bit confused by Curly's attitude. I mean, what's the big deal about taking someone you like romantically to some type of open diaper den? 

The moral of this story? These guys either openly don't give a sh$t or they are setting you up to get peed on. Now, if that doesn't sound like an awesome, swingin' dating scene, I don't know what does! 

Down With The Dusty (Another Risky Business Story)

Risky Business got stood up for four dates in one weekend. You can't make this up. Her two Saturday dates stood her up and so did her Sunday dates. I mean, how is a woman supposed to bounce back from something like that?!

I think the problem lies in the caliber of guy she talks to. They are all from this dating app known for securing hookups and the guys seem to be total flakes! A couple of them would not come to the restaurant until it was confirmed that sex would be guaranteed afterwards. The conservative community would blame feminism on the rise of male dustiness. I think that some guys are prone to dustiness and there is nothing that can be done short of round housing them in the face and kicking them out of the dating pool. By early Sunday morning she'd given up and decided to drown her sorrows in chicken wings. Who hasn't been there, am I right ladies??

My prayer for Risky and my other single friends is that they find love. But how can one make it to love when these guys can't even make it to confirmed dinner plans? I don't know. What I do know is it is only March. I'm positive that there is more dustiness on the horizon. 

Liar, Liar

The other morning was a very difficult one with my nephew. I am finding that getting him ready for school is playing out more like peace negotiations these days, but today he was really in rare form. Although he had new and clean shirts to wear to school, he tried to wear the shirt he wore the day before, knowing that was not okay. Then I told him to brush his teeth. He went in the bathroom then came back out, claiming he did it. I asked to smell his breath, then he tells me he didn't do it because he couldn't find his toothbrush. This is lie two or three if you count the stunt with his shirt. I gave him a new toothbrush and he comes back saying he brushed his teeth again. I ask to smell his breath. He then reveals he didn't brush because he can't find the toothpaste, lie two or three. 

I know that he is just a kid and that none of this seems like a big deal, but I am concerned with his need to lie about even the smallest, most unimportant things. If not handled now, I see this only getting worse with age until he inevitably hot wires my aunt's car! I remember these little white lie mischievous boys from when I was a kid. In middle age, the reports are not good. One of them is in jail. I'm mortified! 

He marched out the door to get on the school bus upset because I told him that if he keeps trying to skip brushing his teeth, I'm going to brush them for him. He turned his back to me to leave, and I got a glimpse of him at 17, flipping me off and saying something smart under his breath. It was bone chilling! You know, the consensus is that girls are easier to raise. Please! Whoever said that is a liar, liar pants on fire.