UF-No

So, there is this thing in space that NASA is saying is a comet, but there is this guy at Harvard that says that it could possibly be an alien mothership, and if this is the case, we should be preparing, seeing that it should be coming our way by October. I don't know what preparing for alien guests would look like. I guess that depends on whether they are coming to shake our hands or to suck the blood out of our heads. Either way, I feel like if the aliens are coming, we should all stop paying our bills. What's the point? The aliens could be peace-bringers or human-hurters. Either way, I think that they would find the concept of paying one's bills to be dumb and restrictive. I don't know this for sure, but my spirit is telling me that they would have a huge issue with rents, mortgages, and student loans. On day one, I could see them globally moving to forgive these payments, right before they zapped us in our chests. Just something to think about as you budget for the next month. 

Sailing Love's Seas

It may be too early to say that the love boat that my friends and I are on is not sinking. I will say that it looks as if we have our life vests on. Whether we make it is yet to be seen. At least for now, it looks like there is smooth sailing ahead for the first time in a long time, but we know how quickly sugar can go to s&*t when it comes to these matters of the heart. 

Tiesh has a boyfriend now. It is crazy, because we have been trying to pray us up some boyfriends for at least the past five years. I remember mentioning it in my Christmas cards. I would say something like, "I pray that we find love this year." Well, "this year" has arrived for Tiesh, and she is so happy. She actually worked with him when she was a teenager. I guess there is some truth to the old idea that by middle age, you have already met or even dated the love of your life. I have gotten to talk to him on the phone, and he is super sweet. They have met each other's families, and he has visited her in New Orleans. I predict good things for them, and I am hopeful that their story leads to a chapel. Not yet, though! I need to lose about 900 lbs first and get on a better skincare regimen before I attend another wedding. 

Tortilla has a new boyfriend. They have only been together for two months, but they already have a bunch of trips planned. She says that he is very kind to her and even offers her some of his food when they go out to eat. To me, this is a good sign. If he will share his food, he will share your heart. 

Even old Nick seems to be on the right track. For the past 20 years, I have watched him carelessly and almost comedically fumble the ball when it comes to the women in his life. For all of his friends to be women, I just couldn't grasp how he seemed to show up as clueless about them in his relationships. However, at 40, he is getting his act together. He met a girl and said that he is going to ask her to be his girlfriend when they have their next date. It is around this time that things usually go south for Nick, but I am optimistic. He said that she is nice. He sent me a picture. She is pretty and looks like she has good sense. Good sense is a necessary quality for anyone Nick is going to be with, whether he realizes it or not. 

So if we all have on our life vests, Bells has on a vest, a parachute, and scuba gear. Bells is very cautious and frugal, interesting traits to have in today's dating climate. However, she is stepping out on faith and has purchased a month on a dating app. This is a big deal for Bells! She doesn't just spend money on anything. She can squeeze a penny until it turns white! But she has to see what is out there and both fortunately and unfortunately (depending on who you ask), dating apps are the best way to go. She has not had luck so far. That first round of guys is usually a dud. I am optimistic that she will get a few dates out of this. 

I, on the other hand, am simply messaging with men that I am meeting on the fatty app. This may seem pretty benign, but it is something I would not have had the guts to do even two years ago. There are no wedding bells going off, but it is nice getting to know people. 

For now, me and the homies seem to be on love's good foot and it's a nice change of pace. Hopefully, there are no icebergs ahead. 

Fearing Fear Itself

Everyone is disappointed about something in their life, I don't care who you are. I like to believe that even the rich snobs that I went to college with have a disappointment or two. I have the general ones. I wish I were a famous writer by now, and I am sad that I do not own a home. The biggest disappointment is how much my life is controlled by fear at this stage of things. 

I used to watch Oprah with my grandma when I was a kid. And I remember she did an episode with Tina Turner, and I think Patto LaBelle. You know, all of her baddie besties. I think it was her birthday episode. Anyway, they went on and on about how being old was cool because you were so sure of yourself and free. They had no desire to be 20 because being 50 or 60 was where it was at! Worrying and fear were things of the past! I guess everyone has their own experiences, because the experiences they described laughing it up with Ms. Winfrey have not been mine! 

This probably comes as no surprise, but I was a scary, fearful kid. I didn't want to get in trouble. I followed the rules. My mom gave me a long leash as a teen to do pretty much anything because she knew how scared I was of everything. Even as a kid, I was fearful of death. I was scared my grandma was going to die or my mom or even my friends. I was scared of what would happen if I got really bad grades, and then in middle school,  when my grades fell, I was scared I wasn't going to get into college. In my young adult life, the fears just got more intense. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing my apartment. Fear of being a failure. Fear of losing my job! Those of us who suffer severely from the superiority complex that is having faith will say that you can't believe in God and be fearful at the same time. That kids is a lie! I have spent many a night praying while being overwhelmed with fear! I honestly don't know any other way to pray. 

Today, I got my test results from a procedure that I had earlier in the week. I called the doctor to see if someone could go over them with me, and the doctor who answered had a bit of an attitude with me. Or maybe she didn't. Maybe my anxiety is so high that everything anyone says sounds like it has some extra heat on it. No one has called me back, and I am so overwhelmed with fear that literally all I can do to address it is write about it. I have no idea when my Patti LaBelle moment is supposed to happen; when I am supposed to kick off my designer heels and scream on the stage of my life. Knee-deep in yet another hair-raising situation, I have to say, I am fearful that the day will never come. 

God and Control

I had yet another jay-jay peek-a-boo procedure today. I showed up ready with Buddy, my emotional support stuffed sloth, in toe. I was in panic tears about 30 minutes later. You see, when plans change I flip out. I take the changes to be a sign that something bad is about to happen. The floor of my procedure was changed. I was told my doctor wasn't coming when she told me she was. I was freaking out. One more change and I was going to run out of the hospital room screaming. I just sat on the medical bed and cried. 

I will say right now, thank God for nurses. They checked on me even through they were clearly busy. I think it was clear that they had a lose canon on their hands. I was seconds away from flying out of there in my hospital gown with the rump exposed. 

"Something is not right," I said to Nurse Ethiopia, this gorgeous older Ethiopian woman who had the bad luck of being assigned to me. I explained to her my philosophy on unexpected changes. 

"Are you a Christian?" she asked, leaning on that machine that beeps. I told her I was. "Well, God is in control of everything. He changed the floor of your surgery. He change your doctor. He's in control." 

I took a deep breath and looked out the window. I could see all of Downtown Atlanta. Yes, God was in control. So when they couldn't find a vein on me anywhere to set up an IV, I sat back, held Nurse Ethiopia's hand, and sang Erykah Badu as the other lady probed my arm with the world's longest needles. This would have been the third "sign" to send me running. 

In the operating room, they let me listen to Sir Mix-A-Lot as I was being put to sleep. My doctor showed up after all, even after having a long night with other patients. Before I went to sleep, I remember telling her to twerk somethin', and when I woke up, it felt like someone had taken a power drill to my lady parts. 

Yes. God is in control. 

The Gay Divorcee pt 1: The Sex Quest

Rudith is divorcing her wife Maria and currently dating and having sex with men that she has met on Bumble. Seeing that she's been married to a woman for years, I thought she was a lesbian. Turns out she's queer. I'm going to be honest, I'm not sure what queer means. As I've said over the years, queer sounds like something bad that happens to cheese.

I had no idea that she and her wife were having issues. I couldn't tell from their annual Christmas cards. However, according to Rudith, Maria's inconsistency brings nothing but chaos, confusion, and despair to everything she touches. Couples therapy didn't work, so Rudith has kicked Maria out of the bedroom and banished her to the basement. Rudith has also created an ancestral altar to combat Maria's negative vibes. 

"I suggested an open marriage, but she said no because she never wants to do anything that makes sense!" Rudith exclaimed over the phone. She was headed back home after a quick getaway she treated herself to since her wife is out of town. 

So Rudith did what we all do when we don't know what to do: she turned to app dating. She matched with a guy the day she created her profile, went on a date, went to the guy's house and hooked up with him which officially started her campaign to have the best sex of her life. 

"I'm just playing with these women's sons for a minute," she explained. And it's working. She is very honest with the men about her situation, and as we all know, men love nothing more than lesbians and a challenge. She is clear with them about wanting strong masculine energy which has brought men who have award-winning penis and no desire to go dutch into her life. She's even being invited to exclusive members-only clubs and taken on exciting dates. It all sounds great, but I was confused on how she could be intimate with anyone else when she is still married? 

"A divorce could take two or three years and I already haven't had sex with my wife for two! Do you want me to go without sex for like five years?!"

I sometimes forget how I am the only one dedicated to a dry, sexless existence. I also forget how most people don't identify with a black and white definition of relationships, not even in a marriage. I don't believe anything is over until it's over, so you should behave accordingly or risk BAD karma. However, Rudith swears that dating and hetero- sexing is just what the doctor ordered. Literally! Her therapist is on board with her technical cheating. Even her kids have noticed the pep in her step! 

If we are going to be adults, I guess we also have to be honest about what cheating is. Are you really physically cheating if you have emotionally separated from a person? My grandma would have said yes. Rudith's shrink and Rudith say otherwise.

Also, if we are going to continue being honest adults, we also have to admit that happiness can often be the theoretical butterfly that we can not catch. Is it really wrong to run towards it even if we are technically involved in something else? Hearing about Rudith's cool makeout sessions with military men in her car makes me want to say no but I don't know. Keep in mind that I have been told often that I'm a prude. I don't know if I'd go that far, but I will say that I'm relationship conservative which I'm realizing is quickly going out of style. Things often are not cut and dry. I guess the question is as simple as it was for Sheryl Crow in her old hit song: If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. 

Warning Signs

When I was coming home from my doctor's appointment yesterday, I noticed that the streets were literally lined with tents where homeless people were living. Atlanta has always had a large homeless population, but this was beyond anything I'd seen in my decades living here. It was interesting because the big news from the beginning of the week was that the president wanted to move the homeless out of DC. When I was fresh out of college, the mayor at the time attempted to do the same thing here in Atlanta. He went as far as to close the city's biggest shelter, build the streetcar hub in a parking lot where a lot of the homeless slept, and allow the police to harass the homeless when they weren't even doing anything. Surprise, surprise, the operation didn't work. Apparently, you have nowhere to go when you have nowhere to go. P follows all the financial news. I don't know why, it is never good news. He says that we are entering a cycle where people are not going to be hiring or firing. He says that the sign of a healthy economy is the creation of new jobs and that little to no job creation is not a good sign. 

I say all that to say that this all reminds me of the way things were right before and during the recession when I first graduated from college. What a nightmare! No one I knew was working in their field unless they were in some kind of way working in medicine. A lot of my friends got advanced degrees to live off the loan money and have something to do. I was working at the mall part-time at a clothing store while studying for my GRE, which I took twice and did INCREDIBLY poorly on. My aunty had a great job, but I still recall money being very, very tight. We were eating cheap junk and had very little cash to spare. On top of this, I remember it being really hard to find legit work, and a lot of the posts for jobs were fake. I recall a co-worker getting a gig as an assistant for a day. She did all this work just to be sent a fake money order in the mail as payment. I had rummaged up change to take the bus to interviews for serious jobs, only to get there and be told that the jobs were really sales jobs, you know, the kind where you work like a dog, sell nothing, and make no money. It mean, it was horrible! 

I feel like something is coming down the pipes in this country, and I am concerned. I am too old and have no energy. There is no way I could make it through another recession. The unsettling part is that I don't think whatever is on the way is going to be a traditional recession. I think that it is also going to be accompanied by civil and social unrest. I can smell it in the milk. There are immigration protests everywhere, and officials are openly discussing women not having the right to vote. Prices are rising like you wouldn't believe. Now add homelessness, the fear of being homeless, and a decline in available work to that, and I sense a recipe for disaster. Oh, and don't forget to throw in a teaspoon of really aggressive climate change. 

I hate to be a Negative Nancy, but when I discuss this, it is more to discuss how I am fully aware that I don't have the grit to go through 2008 again. When you a younger, hardships feel like an uncomfortable cold that will soon pass. At this age, I fully know what is up. I watch the news every day, and I predict that whatever is on the way will be solved at some point, but the answer will not be as easy as blowing your nose. Either way, we should all probably stock up on Kleenex. 

The Cray-Cray of Today

Pix told me that a woman at his job walked up to him and called him a bi&%h right to his face over a pretty benign disagreement. He had to get management involved, not just because that was crazy, but I think to also prevent him from saying or doing something that would have gotten him canned. Believe it or not, she is not going to be reprimanded for this. Her job is secure because she witnessed the manager choke the assistant manager!  

The other day, my brother came home from work and told me that while he was waiting on the train that morning, a woman got off the elevator, dropped her shorts, had no undies on, and began to run up and down the train platform while occasionally stopping to open her behind to the crowd. It was so gross that two men chased her and attempted to tackle her, but she evaded their capture until she eventually ran onto a train, pantless. 

Yesterday, I went to the doctor, and I swear to you, the waiting room was the Wild West! There was a family in the waiting room (a mom, dad, and teenage son who was the patient to be seen). The mom had some smart remark to make when anyone was called to be seen before her. Apparently, her son had been overlooked for hours. I felt annoyed with her until she went to the front desk to get an unnecessary attitude with the receptionist. It was then revealed that her son was a walk-in patient. Everyone knows that walk-ins have to wait to be seen until the doctor can see them! You always have to wait to be seen when you are a walk-in, even at the hair salon! I swear, every time Mom opened her mouth to complain, it felt like she was adding 30 minutes to everyone's wait time. On top of that, Mom continuously coughed without covering her mouth! Then there was a woman we will call TooTight. She had on the most ill-fitting, tight short set I had ever seen in my life! She had to be told twice to listen to the Spanish sitcom she was watching on her phone at full volume with her earphones in. She had this huge Stanley tumbler and went to the wall fountain to fill it up. Before doing so, she dumped some old strawberries out of the tumbler. I guess she'd had some infused water. However, after filling her cup, she left her old strawberries in the drain of the fountain instead of throwing them in the trash. 

I say all these seemingly unrelated things to ask this: have we all just given up? Have even the most minute standards of decorum and decency just gone out the window? Are we collectively not caring or going crazy? Is being out of order the new order? Is rude the new polite? How long before we are all running around our theoretical train stations with no pants on? Is it just me, or does it feel like everyone is becoming more aggressively and openly unglued? You remember how they used to say that everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten? If this is true, then the people of today must have gone to a kindergarten run by wolves! Leaving trash in the water fountain. Gross!