3 Weeks A Ghost

I'm not familiar with the rules, but how long can you go without hearing from a guy before you can confidently say you have been ghosted? I have not heard from New Man in three days after talking to him consistently for three weeks. He just kind of poofed and vanished. He didn't rub me as a vanisher but at last, here we are. We hadn't had an argument or disagreement yet. All our convos and texts were cute and pleasant. We talked about meeting up. Now he's gone. My friend Maria says it may be too soon to declare a Ghosting but I gotta say, it sure feels like one. He went from checking in with me and sending me videos of his dinner to going completely silent. I asked myself all the questions women ask. Is he sick? Is he dead? Is he working some type of 24hr overtime? Is his phone broken? Then, of course, the questions went sideways. Did he get back with an ex? Was he married the entire time? Was he a government spy hired to make me fall for him so I would divulge my lemon pepper greens recipe? Let's be real, these are all valid possibilities! Man, I was starting to like him! Why do men do this kind of stuff? Do lesbians have to deal with this behavior? I have been advised to wait a few more days. Okay. But then, after that, I have to mentally send him to The Island of Misfit Men. I have to say though, I miss hearing his country accent and ridiculous, unbelievable stories. I miss receiving clips about his incredibly unhealthy meals. How unfortunate. 

No D For Me Please

I believe in a lot of things. Bigfoot. Aliens. Parallel Universes. However, I have a hard time digesting the Zodiac. It sounds like a bunch of hocus pocus. Yet, if it's real, I am eager to know just how the stars in my system are aligned that would make it so that I would be inundated with D pics. I mean, what is really going on?!

I have so enjoyed my conversations with New Man. He is funny and super cool, and the other night, we had a video call date. He showed me his room and his wall projector that makes it look like there are blue jellyfish on his wall. I was just really enjoying this innocent, curious getting-to-know-you phase. It was fun, it was flirty, and in one call, New Man "accidentally" catapulted us into some XXX limbo. 

When I called New Man for our next video call, the video part wasn't working. So, I told him to give me a second to figure it out, and I would call him back. It took a minute, but I got the video to work, and he was like, "Hey, you are going to get some texts. Just ignore them." Just as he said that, a number of pictures came to my phone from him. The first three were pics of him in his A-Town fitted, which he had already sent me. But then the next were unsolicited D pics!

"What?! Why?!" I cried.  

"I don't know, I was being dumb. Forget I sent them," he said, mildly embarrassed. 

"I mean, are you drunk?" I asked. 

"No."

"Are you high?"

"Not really."

I frowned looking at the pics. Why would he do this?

"Hey, fix your face!" he exclaimed. Sadly, I forgot my video was on, and he could see me frowning, with hard emphasis on the frown, at his D pics. There was no way I could forget he sent these. Now, I don't know where we are, if that makes sense. 

As if that wasn't shocking enough, another guy that I was messaging on the Fatty App sent me a good morning message, accompanied by a D pic taken in the shower. Again, another unsolicited photo! I didn't reply to it, and he asked me if he had offended me. I asked why he sent it. He said it was because he "liked what he saw". HAVE ALL THE MEN GONE LOCO?! Or is it just the fatty-loving, sex-obsessed horn toads that I entertain? Sadly, I think I know the answer. 

I know that in today's dating landscape, D pics are apparently no big deal and part of conducting business as usual. But I'm like, have men never seen their own junk? It's no basket of kittens. I think that I am also confused because you couldn't pay me to send anyone a pic like that. And as dumb as this may sound, I don't get the purpose for them. I mean, a woman assumes her guy has a D, like duh! Is the pic supposed to be proof??

I took New Man's advice. I am pretending that the pics were never sent. I find more joy in seeing the jellyfish on his wall. 

Maria Drives By

A couple of months ago, after declaring that she was going to put herself out there to find a man, my friend Maria found one at a sports bar almost immediately after making the statement. His name is Sugar. Since then, they had been spending a lot of time together, even though they are not boyfriend and girlfriend officially yet. Everything was going well until he went almost a weekend without contacting her. They made up after that, but I think that lapse in communication raised her antenas when it comes to him. As you probably know, once a woman is put on alert, it's hard to get her off of it. 

The other night, Maria was out with friends when she realized she wasn't but a few minutes from Sugar's house. So, she decided to do what any crazy girl worth her salt would do and drive by Sugar's house to see what he was up to. 

"I prayed that there wasn't another car in his driveway," she admitted. Listening to the story, I prayed there wasn't one either. It would have only taken a second for that situation to become a Worldstar moment.

Maria jumped in her car and headed over to Sugar's street only to stop short at the stop sign. She was right behind Sugar, who was about to turn into his driveway. Maria hung back and laid low, watching him go into his house alone, no hoochies detected. 

The fact that he was alone didn't make me feel better. For my friend over 40 to pull this 20-something BS, I know she has to like him more than I originally thought. And when you like a man like this, it starts with drive-bys and ends with a restraining order. I'm eager to see where this goes. Hopefully, it leads to happiness and not more secret creep-ups in the dark. 

Disappointingly Disappointed

It's 2:42am and I am sad because I didn't get a text from New Man yesterday. Just in case you needed clarity yes, I'm 41-years-old, sittin' up in my room like Brandy sad over a guy. I ate my dinner leftovers that I was trying to save for breakfast, and the cherry on top is that my knee hurts, making every position I take in my bed uncomfortable. As I lay her typing this, all I can think about is how disappointing all of this is, and how I find myself constantly dealing with a lurking, shadowy sense of disappointment. I'm disappointed in everything and everybody. I called Boots to sing her a Toni Braxton song reflective of my mood. She didn't answer. I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to take life on the chin. Sigh. Time to try to sleep. 

Coffee Goes Cold

Coffee has decided to abstain. Apparently, being 50 and afraid that you have contracted Trich will do it. 

If you do not remember who Coffee is, he is the handsome Black Republican that I went on a coffee date with last spring. Upon getting to know him, getting to know all about him, I discovered that he had a harem of women that I nicknamed "The Honies" who he had wild sex with on a rolling basis. He was also on a Sugar Daddy site and admitted to once upon a time frequenting call girls. He told me that the call girl-frequenting life is dangerous. You could get robbed or beat up by a pimp, so he focused his scope on hot single mothers that were willing to do something strange for a little bit of change. I mean, this guy was pumping out CashApp payments to distressed mommies across the city, needing a helping hand after some wild nights. 

"You don't get it because you have support from your family," he had once told me. "But these ladies work two jobs and still need help with food and rent. The average woman in Atlanta only makes $20 an hour." So, as a 6-figure earner himself, what was $100 here and there to the moms from the threesomes? He was here to help!

I have to say, this lifestyle seemed extreme to me, an elder virgin who spends her days babysitting a 2-year-old, but it seemed to fit him like a glove until recently, when he had a couple of experiences. 

One of The Honies reached out to him for a donation to get surgery for her dog. 

"Sorry, I'm not tricking anymore," he told her. Apparently, today's economy has even made things tight for him, and he no longer desires to fork out money to chicks, especially if he is not sleeping with them. She got a major attitude and brought up some of their past acts together, which really pissed him off. 

"I had to remind her that I had given her almost $1000 this year already! I told her to block me," he said, annoyed. 

I understood why the exchange could help to lead him to a life of abstinence, but that wasn't even the cherry on top. The cherry on top was Cherry, an old friend he had recently been with that called him panicked because she thought she had Trich. She wasn't sure, but the doctor suspected it during the virtual visit and prescribed meds. Coffee sent her the money to pay for the meds, afraid he had given her the disease, only to go get checked out himself and not have it. The experience has soured him to the point that he has clocked out of sex, which is funny because, in the past, he has contracted more serious things, took the meds, and returned condomless back to the ring. 

Coffee seems so relieved to have given up his "Daddy" status. He reports a surplus of cash and a clear mind. Apparently, not being worried about payouts and positive test results will automatically take a lot off of your plate. 

"So, is this a forever thing?" I inquired. 

I could feel him shrug over the phone. "I will tell you like I tell the real estate agents who call my house, wanting to know if I am willing to sell. I'm good for now, but who knows what the case will be in six months?"

I guess we will have to see. 

New Man, Mixed Messages

Pardon me if I have been absent, but indeed I have been chatting it up with a new man. I don't want you to get too excited about him because it is very new, and I am trying not to get too excited about him because it is very new, but I do like him. I have shared my developments with New Man with a couple of my friends and, per usual, they have had a lot to say. 

You see, for years, these friends have told me that I was closed off and that I needed to be open to meeting someone. They encouraged me to go out more and join dating apps. These were the same friends who made sure to tell me, as many times as humanly possible, that I wasn't going to find my guy complaining at home, and that I needed to step out on faith and lead with my heart. Oddly enough, these same friends are encouraging me to now lead with suspicion. You guessed it, P is one of these friends. 

The other day, I told P about how New Man told me this fantastical story from his youth that had me on the edge of my seat! I really feel like it could be a movie! P, of course, did not feel the same way. 

"That story doesn't even make sense," he said dryly. "Man, you will believe anything these men tell you. Did you even ask any follow-up questions?"

Just to be clear, this is the same P that has consistently gotten on me about thinking that all men are liars and being a "man-hater". Now that I am trying to participate in the dating world that he encouraged me join time and time again, he seems to be annoyed that I believe even the most minute thing New Man, and other men, have said to me. He kind of makes me feel dumb about it. 

Lisha has been the same way; not about New Man but about Coffee. This is funny because she is Little Miss Soft Life, encouraging me to listen with my heart. Yet, when I would tell her interesting things about Coffee, she was clearly listening with a raised eyebrow. 

"I think this man is cap," she said flatly. "Sometimes, I wonder if he is legit or if he is just sitting over there lying to you."

I gotta say kids, I feel like I am receiving mixed messages. 

The running story for years has been that I am bitter and distrustful, and I do not want that to be my story. P and Lisha are prime examples of friends who, over the years, have been at the forefront of encouraging me to make changes so that wouldn't be my story. Now, it feels like they want me to wear an "I'm Trusting" hat at the same time as an "I Don't Believe You" hat. The thing is, I only have one head. They want me to have one head and be of two minds, which I know is possible but also difficult and consuming. 

If being the friend with no man watching everyone's relationships has taught me anything, it's this: suspicion is cancerous to the healthy cells of a couple. One minute, your relationship is healthy and vibrant, then BAM! The infectious dishonesty makes its way into the relationship and, before you know it, your relationship is terminal and on life support. I have seen what it is to second-guess everything a partner tells you, and it just doesn't work. I want my relationships to work. 

At their cores, I just think that P and Lisha don't want me to be a dummy and get played. I don't want that for myself either. I am deciding to not believe New Man only if he gives me a reason not to. I am not going to expect lies or look for them, but I will be prepared for them if they are to arise. Really, I think that is all I can do. 

HC Eye Spy- Another Risky Business Story

Risky is one of my top tier friends. She answers the phone when I call her crying in the middle of the night. We check in on each other. We have an understanding that I don't have with my other friends. But today, when she asked me to spy on her ex on social media, I didn't understand. 

"I just need you to tell me what is in his stories, and if he has any new posts with women in them," she instructed.

This was confusing to me, because to my knowledge, she and this guy broke up ages ago. Like, ages ago. She has dated other men, so I don't get why she would care. But you see, I am her friend. Her good friend. Who would I be if I wasn't helping her be crazy? 

When I went to his social media page, I got nervous. Looks like her ex likes to play with guns. Play with guns, drink beer, and smoke cigars. My neck tensed up. Why can't Risky ever couple with anyone normal? 

"New posts with women?" I asked. "I'm surprised this man was able to get with you!" I mean really, how many guns does one guy need?

Just in case you are new here, yes, Risky and I are both middle-aged, lurking on a man's socials to see who he is dating. No, we are not tweens and yes, we know better. 

I am not sure what Risky is thinking, but I do know what it's like to want to keep tabs on someone from your past. The thing is, doing this never, ever contributes anything positive to your future. You end up just feeding into a hang up instead of looking forward to whatever new thing that could be in the cards. However, this is a lesson every woman learns on their own. Until Risky gets her turn in the learnin' chair, I guess I'm playing 007 regarding a heavily armed guy I've never met. Come on, what are friends for? 

Companion- Space

I recently got to catch up with my friend Boots from college. She's been one of my favorite people for a long time, but she has a crazy work schedule and we haven't gotten to talk in ages. She told me she is keeping plants in her apartment, that she still does hair, and that she has a boyfriend. I was excited to hear this, but she said they don't get to have a lot of date nights because of his work schedule. They don't get to see each other a lot. 

"It's fine because I really don't want a man all up under me" she explained. I found this to be interesting because she and her college boyfriend were all over each other to the point that they looked conjoined! 

What is it about being a middle aged woman that makes you want loved ones close to you and away from you at the same time? Your desire for companionship and space seem to overlap each other. It's like, how can you tell a man to hug you and back up at the same time? Im choosing to blame all of this on science. Whatever makes peri- menopausal women hot in the cold super smellers is probably behind the companion-space movement. I like to believe that I'd be super hands on with my man if I had one, but I don't know. At times, when people are talking to me, I want to jump out of the window, so...

She says she plans to marry this man, and I hope she does. Just because you want companion-space, doesn't mean you want to be a lone. Let's hear it for another one of life's riddles. 

Nunning Up

When it comes to anything regarding men or dating or coupling or whatever, I feel a great sense of dread and disappointment. I don't want to talk to any guys romantically. Maybe I should rearrange some things and label partnership or being married as a secret desire of my heart and move forward with focusing on working, friends, and family. At least in that arena I can better see the fruits of my labor. I think. H$ll if I know, I'm old! Shouldn't I have more things figured out? I wish I could go back in time when I thought love would make things better, slap myself, then redirect my attention to taking better care of my hair. I need to take better care of my hair. P suggested I'm "nunning up". All I know is that men make me feel sad and tired. When I told my therapist I was over men she suggested I was depressed. Maybe. I mean, isn't anyone looking for the warmth of love in this cold, hard world depressed? How many naps do I need to have enough energy to even chat with a guy? I will let you know when I wake up. 

Freeway of Love (Another Risky Business Story)

The other night, I was on the phone with Risky as she drove hours away from her home to meet and potentially blow a guy she met online. They have had a very complicated online history. As a matter of fact, as she was driving to see this guy, she was blocked by him on the site they met on. I guess they had each other's personal contacts, because when he came to her state, he texted her and she decided to make the voyage to meet him. 

I wish this was the worst of the story but it is not. Once she got to his hotel, they chatted for a bit, and he refused to give her any real information about himself. No real name, hometown, job, or anything. I felt this displayed a lot of nerve on his end. How can you be creeped out and concerned about your safety on one hand, but then want sex from said creepy person on the other hand? Plus, he's the guy! The odds lean towards him when it comes to which one of them is going to make the other an unsolved mystery. 

They fooled around but no real deal hanky panky because he was behind on his STI screenings. I was so happy when Risky let me know she was on her way home that I didn't even have commentary on how loony this story was! She paints the whole thing as an "experience" that she is overall happy she did. She doubts it will progress from here.  I agree, since he blocked her and gave her an alias. She said she thinks it's time she consider marriage. I think it's time she consider becoming abstinent, cutting all losers from her life. She's just too amazing for this kind of stuff! 

You can't tell your friends what to do. I know this for sure, seeing there are plenty of times I ignored my friend's advice. I just want all my girls to be happy, which won't happen for Risky if she ends up in some guy's freezer first. But I can't be too judgemental. No one knows better than me that when it comes to dating, it's a cold world. 

It's a Small World: The Story of Babycakes

I was feeling really bad recently about everything. It was the type of bad where you just have to lay down silently. You don't even have the energy to cry. It was at this time that God sent me a little something to make me smile. 

I went on to Instagram and I saw a post from this... interesting woman that goes to my church. I was confused because it was a post of a man and a woman, and she usually only posts jewelry she is selling. I noticed that the man looked a lot like one of my Xavier brothers, and upon further investigation, it was him, Babycakes! Apparently, he married the Interesting Woman's (IW) daughter. 

A few years ago, I went to a women's retreat at church and my bunk mate was IW. She is a sweet enough lady but hard to talk to. She hardly has any words. She acts as if she is only given three words a day and has to preserve them. I don't know why the hater a$$ First Lady of my church thought we'd be a good fit. I suspect it was more about putting me in the cabin as far away from the conference room as possible to force me to exercise 🤬 Anyway, talking to IW reminded me of how difficult I found squeezing lemons as a kid. I would feel like my wrists were about to snap, trying to get enough juice to make a glass of lemonade. Needless to say, IW left me almost completely juiceless. 

"Having her as a mother-in-law must be a dozie," I thought to myself. 

The gag is that Babycakes may be one of very few people that I never spoke to in college. Ever. This is interesting because he dated my friend Legs. I remember they broke up senior year and I asked her why. She said, "In the beginning, I was excited about picking the crust out of his eyes and picking out his outfits, but now I want a man who can pick his own crust and his own outfits!" Boy, she said a mouthful there. She also said some other stuff about him highjacking her guy friends and making them his, but that is neither here nor there. 

Today, I think Babycakes is picking his own crust and outfits. IW's daughter doesn't look like the "picking" kind. The post IW posted was wishing them a happy anniversary, and he for sure looks happy. That tells me nothing though. He looked happy with Legs too. I mean, they used to wear matching outfits for goodness sakes! 

I say all this to ask, isn't the world small? I mean really small. Coincidentally, my Xavier brother married the daughter of a woman who attends my church! God knew that the peculiarness of this whole thing would give me a light chuckle to pick up my spirits. Won't He do it? 

He Just Wasn't That Into Me

Winfrey does not like P. It's a sad and unfortunate fact, seeing that they are both dear friends of mine. The reasoning came up as to why recently, which reminded me of the situation between me and P in college. I had a crush on him but he did like me back. This we all know. But I thought I had reason to believe he did. Winfrey saw what I saw, and told everyone I was not nuts. They didn't believe me or her, and I was left looking and feeling desperate and stupid. 

The highlight of this time was when me and about three other friends organized a dinner we were going to invite our crushes too. I invited P and didn't hear back from him about it. The night of the dinner, the only guy to arrive was Kinfolk, invited by Haynes (they are now married). The rest of us had pretty long faces. I called P to see if he was coming and he yelled, "Stop inviting me to stuff. I don't like you like that!" before hanging up. I guess he just wasn't that in to me. I swallowed my tears in a big, hard gulp and tried to enjoy dinner. 

"Do you remember this P?" I asked him recently. 

"No, but it sounds like something I would say so it might have happened," he answered flatly. 

Honestly, I'd forgotten it too. I remember when it happened, I was pretty heart broken. I think the heart and mind work together to start the forgetting process when something sad and embarrassing enough happens. A lot of the things Winfrey recalled I hadn't thought of in years. 

Well, that was 20 years ago. I'm not 20 anymore. I'm looking forward to finding a connection with a man that my mind doesn't force me to forget about. 

The Block's Not Hot

I just wanted to stop by ladies and let you know that just when you think these guys won't have the nerve, they absolutely will! 

Block Spin is back again baby! It's funny because I was just thinking of him, feeling guilty for not reaching out to him after his latest ghosting. You know how my anxiety works. I was scared he was dead or being held captive in an international prison. But of course he is alive and well and still full of it! 

I was surfing social media last night when I got a random video call. It only rang once and I realized it was him. He called me back and I turned my camera off. He said he was just calling to "check in on me". Child...I reminded him that he was supposed to do that four months ago when he landed out of state for his business trip. I mentioned this twice because he was trying to steamroll past it. He said he was calling me now which was "better late than never". He has lost the energy and the give a sh#t to even lie anymore. I told him I had to go but I was glad he was okay. You see that? Even when I'm being dissed I don't want to come off as mean! 

P told me ages ago that guys will vanish then reappear when they think you've forgotten what they did. He wasn't lying! It seems that these guys are serious about being as unserious as possible, and I'm over it. OVER IT! 

I had such high hopes for Block Spin. We had such a good first conversation. We talked about movies. It was fun. However, being forgotten about then randomly remembered, most likely after a woman you liked more has given you the blues, is not fun. It's belittling. Oh well, onward and upward. 

Curly and the Conservative

I have to admit, I have been worried about Curly and his dating life ever since that nut job took him to that the pee-time bar. You know, the one where the guys participated in piss play in the bathroom😬? So, you can imagine how concerned I was when he told me that he'd had a day date with a Conservative man. 

"I have to admit, when he came over, I was a little afraid that I was going to get hate-crimed in my own home," he confessed. Even recalling this memory, he sounded nervous. I can understand why. I am sure that there are Conservatives who are allies to the LGBTQIA+ cause, but they don't seem nearly as loud as the Bible wavers on social media who have nothing but smoke for the community. Outside of being Conservative, what worried him was that the man didn't even seem gay. He looked like your everyday straight White man that you would run into buying some pre-creased khakis to conceal his dad gut. He didn't look like he knew anything about anything gay. 

However, the guy ended up being super nice, and they sat and talked for a long time about their interests and trending topics. They shared a really cool afternoon together. I guess you can't judge a book by its cover...especially when the cover is confusing. 

"We had a good time, but it is pretty clear that he is straight," Curly said, "so I don't think that there is much of a future there. I totally see him marrying a woman."

"For sure," I said, not quite understanding what he was saying. Look, I learned long ago not to ask too many questions when it comes to this type of thing, but admittedly, I am not quite clear how you can be into men and women sexually and not be bisexual, but instead somehow completely straight. Is this the fluidity that the Gen Z kids are always going on and on about, or just the title word play of a possibly closeted man? Either way, I am glad that Curly walked away from the experience having had a fun time and not with a sad story. Fingers crossed that his next guy friends is actually into guys. 

Pressed Record (Another Risky Business Story)

The other night, Risky called me pretty bummed because she found out that an old partner had recorded them being intimate without her consent. She said this, and I gasped. OMG! All of a sudden, it felt like I was in one of those really bad made-for-TV movies. During a conversation, he casually mentioned that he was watching adult content. Then, to follow that up, he smoothly disclosed that said content was a recording of them together that he had taped secretly. He alleged that he had two such videos like this. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! How intrusive! How scary! How...illegal.

"Are you going to press charges? Do you need me to be on the phone while you do it?" I asked. 

She sighed. "To what end? Just because something is bad, that doesn't mean it's illegal."

"No, I disagree. Doing something like this without consent is equivalent to SA (Se*%ual Assault)," I informed her. At least, I think it is. I know that revenge p&%n is illegal, but she doesn't know for sure if he has posted the recordings anywhere. 

"He said that he hasn't posted the videos; that he just looks at them on his phone," she told me, but neither she nor I really knows if that is the case. 

As the conversation went on, she said that before this, there were red flags that she had ignored, like how randomly, in the middle of their situationship, he announced that he had a girlfriend. She also had reason to believe that he had followed her home. This didn't sit well with me, considering the slew of men who have been in the news for doing their partners in. She said that she was ending contact with this guy, and I suggested that the new man be a better-quality dude. Like most of my friends, she settles for off guys that I know she can do better than. She reminded me of something though that I had not taken into account: they all suck. Hopefully, the next guy doesn't suck so much that he would violate my friend's privacy. 

The Dating Update

My God, men are so boring; boring and gross. I remember how my grandma used to tell me a poem about how little girls were made of sugar and spice and everything nice. If this is true, men must be made of bulls$&t and rotten meat. As I continue to try to find love before I become completely dehydrated, I find myself getting consistently disappointed. All the guys fall into a pattern. They have about two or three good convos in them before they start saying nasty, inappropriate things. Like how they want me to BLEEEEEP on their BLEEEEEPS. That's a pretty common one. There's other stuff too. It's all icky🤢🤮

They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Does this adage still apply if you don't want to kiss these guys? God I hope so. Coffee says that guys who behave like this are "low quality men" demonstrating "low quality behaviors". I'd agree! But you can't win the game if you clock out of it, so I must march on, past the bleeps and the BS. Hopefully I won't be the dehydrated icky one once my prince arrives. 

Friending With A Boyfriend Vanisher

One of my good friends is a Boyfriend Vanisher, not that she makes boyfriends vanish, but that she vanishes once she gets one. It has been a minute since she's had a serious boyfriend, so I'd forgotten she was a vanisher. However, at 40, I am here to announce that she is just as much one as she was when she was 18 when I met her. 

I'm happy that she is coupled, but sad that she is still participating in her vanishing ways. As a serial single person who never had a boyfriend, I just assumed that being coupled was so consuming that you had no choice but to become distant. So, imagine my surprise when I started talking to guys and magically still had time and energy for the people I love; still had interests and other things to talk about. 

Calls from her these days are few and far between and quick. I answer the phone, she asks how I'm doing, I say fine, whether I am or not, then she proceeds to vomit info about her and her guy. She is in love, so I sit and listen and try to be supportive, but sometimes I just want to yell, "There are other things going on!" Other things with her and me and the world. However, the world has gone down, and I'm a bummer. I guess becoming obsessed with her relationship is the best bet.  

I hope that she and her guy stand the test of time, not just because she cares for him, but also because her breakups are worse than her relationships. Once she gets dumped or vice versa, I become a one-person jury member, staying on the phone for hours, helping her go over every point of their time together. It's exhausting and overwhelming, but hey, what won't one do for a friend? Other than inquire more about her day before going into a diuretic spiel about her relationship? 

I wanted to call her recently and discuss some pop culture stuff, but I'm mortified that she will jump into "She and He: the Mini Series". Yikes. I guess her consistent babbling about her and her man is making me vanish. 

Seeking Charles Christmas 5: Guy Of My Dreams

I know I told you all that I wrapped up my crush on Charles Christmas when I realized we would never be; that I put my love for him in a box and returned him to the world, and I had. But because of him, for the first time in a long time, I woke up with a smile. 

I had a dream that I was on a city bus and Charles Christmas passed me a note expressing his love and desire to buy me nice things. Next thing I know, we are at the mall, and he is getting me expensive gifts. At some point, we end up at the MAC counter where I got a makeover. He then bought me as much lipstick as my arms could carry to the cash register. After that, we walked around the mall holding hands. 

Like I said, I woke up smiling. My heart was full of love. The dream felt very real but I know it wasn't because sadly, there are not hundreds of tubes of MAC lipstick in my purse. I rolled over and went on Instagram to find a story from Charles, posted earlier today. He was at a yoga class. How cute is that? 

I wonder what he'd say if he knew what I think of him? I'd like to believe he'd be flattered but in reality, I think he'd block me from all socials. I'm no dummy. I know he is out of the question for my real life. I guess he is quite literally the guy of my dreams. 

The Worst Block Spin Ever

One of my good girlfriends from high school casually told me during our last conversation that she is currently seeing her old boyfriend from back in the day, when things were NOT cool. He used to hit her, and I was beyond joyous when she finally dropped him. To hear that, after over 20 years, they are dating again made me so sick that I literally almost threw up. I thought that this guy was effectively exercised from her life years ago, only to find out that they have always kind of kept in touch. Now, he has somehow slithered his way back into the picture, and I am not excited about it at. all. I don't like him. 

"You don't know him," she said when I told her as much.  "You only know the him that I told you about. We were kids, and I did a lot of bad stuff too."

She then began to discuss his journey to healing and manhood and how he is so cool, calm, and collected now. He was abusive because that is what he saw growing up. After years of therapy, he now knows how to communicate. They have even already had their first argument, and no one got slapped. He is not the same guy that he was when he was a "kid". 

It was hard for me to not scream! Part of the reason why this whole thing sounds outrageous to me is because I guess I don't believe that people can fully change. The base of who you are is what it is going to be as soon as you get here. All other changes are surface-level, according to me. So when she tells me that this guy has changed, I not only can't believe it, I don't believe that it is legitimately possible, but she does. Also, I know that they say that by middle age, you have probably dated or met your forever person already. And that's fine if that's true, but could the universe make sure that the block spin doesn't stop at the doorstep of someone who caused you dramatic trauma and pain? I'm also annoyed with myself because I am supposed to believe that all change is possible through Christ Jesus. Watch me give myself the side eye 😒 Years of watching Lifetime movies has shown me otherwise. 

We pretty much agreed to disagree on whether or not this is a good idea, and I let her know as calmly and diplomatically as possible that I am not here for this but I am here for her. Men are in the news straight up unaliving their partners.  This is serious! Serious and unreal. 

Cost Calculating

It's funny how your opinions change as you get older. 

One of the reasons I loved college is because it felt like being immersed in an oasis of thoughts and opinions. The world was new to me and everyone around me, and it was awesome to express how I was feeling while hearing how everyone else felt. It was a beautiful time. I was young and open to changing and sharpening what I felt were my beliefs. I recall being in the cafeteria one day and sitting at a table with all girls, and one of the girls said that she would never leave her husband simply because he cheated on her. I know that is a heavy remark to make at 18 or 19 years old, but the mere statement enraged me! How could a girl that young already be okay with taking on that amount of disrespect?

Just the other night, I had a conversation with Coffee, and he expressed something similar but from a male perspective. He said that a woman who leaves a man because he stepped out of the marriage for sex is only doing so because of her ego, especially if she has kids. He said that women need to stop thinking of cheating as some big deal because it is not, especially if the man does not want to abandon his family. He said that women who get divorced after cheating usually demote themselves to a lesser quality of life, having to leave their previous lifestyles, catapulting their children into poverty. How selfish. 

Hearing this, I was as irritated as I was over 20 years ago with that girl in the cafeteria. However, as someone who is far from rich, I had to really think through the situation. If I had a good life, how upset would I have to be to leave it? What is the real cost of walking away with your dignity, and is it worth it if this dignity is now accompanied by struggle and strife? If I were coupled now, and my man slept with someone else, I would be devastated. DEVASTATED! But would I be devastated enough to forego my nice home and access to money? I guess the question is, how much is your comfort, dignity, and quality of life really worth? What woman wants to get out and hustle in middle age?

"Tell Coffee he can shut the f*^k up!" Lisha exclaimed when I posed this question to her. I explained to her how Coffee expressed that, ideally, a woman in this situation should kick a man out of the house until he is ready to come home and take their life seriously. "A woman doing that doesn't mean he is going to continue covering the expenses of a house he is not living in, kids or no kids."

It is easy to have an opinion on a situation that has never happened to you. I have a lot of thoughts on marriage, but I am not married and never have been. I am a woman, though, an emotional woman at that, so I can only imagine how hard infidelity must be. I guess the difference between me now and teen me in college is that I better understand how 3-dimensional life can be. Everything isn't black or white or even gray. Somethings are purple, and require you to really, really ponder on them before making a decision. I'm glad I have never been in this position and hope that I never am. I have never been good at calculating costs.