Abandoned

Turning 40 has brought with it hours of reflection which is exhausting, seeing that I'm already a reflective person. Mostly, I've been trying to do some self work on being abandoned. Oddly enough, my last shrink diagnosed me with being abandoned before abandoning me herself. Oh, what is life without these painful, cosmic jokes? 

I feel abandoned by the brightness, will to live, and optimism of my younger self. I feel abandoned by family I miss that has died. I feel abandoned by my most intimate goals and dreams. And these things I am trying to carefully unpack. Yet most of all, I feel abandoned by my friends and people that have claimed to love me. I feel like my full name should be Holly "Out of sight, Out of mind" Clay. 

Facing the fact that I have been abandoned in some of my friendships, some I'd even considered life-long, has been excruciating. Addressing this abandonment also comes with this severe, overwhelming sense of loss, sadness, and even betrayal. It's a wound that I can't fully tend to, because just looking at the band-aid sends me into a spiral. 

"You are going to have to save yourself Holly. No one is coming to save you," my gyno told me during our last visit. She was speaking in regards to me losing weight, but she had no idea how much the comment hit home. 

Save me? I thought. I can't even get people I love to call me! 

I guess the hardest part is creating closure from folks that don't give a sh$t. I'm trying to map out how to do this without everyday being overwhelmingly emotional. I will keep you posted.