Loss

I guess I am lucky. When I was growing up, I had a lot of women that dropped bars into my life as to how to conduct myself as a young woman. A teacher in middle school, Ms. Ross, told me to never leave home without a pantyliner in my purse. My grandma told me that clear nail polish stops runs in your stockings. My middle school bus driver told me that hand soap from the soap dispenser in the ladies room can double as a deodorant if you put it under your arms, and my mom told me that table salt gets period blood out of your underwear. One of the editors at Upscale Magazine, where I interned after college, told me that potato chips and sugary snacks will give you parasites. All facts. However, while all these priceless pieces of information were being dished out, no one told me how to deal with loss. Inevitable, random loss. Someone dying in your life is way more plausible then you randomly needing a pantyliner. It is guaranteed! Yet no one said a peep.
Over the past two years, my grandma has died, my mom has died and my ex-boyfriend from high school has died. Most recently, one of my BESTEST friends from college died, and I just feel ill-equipped as to how to deal with all of this loss emotionally. I find myself trying to sleep off the shock and hurt of it all, but how long of a nap do you have to take to get over the fact that there are people you've loved your life that are never coming back?
And it is not just death. I have also been mourning some of my friendships of late. People have friend-dumped me with no explanation, leaving just as big of a hole in my life as those people I loved that are now six feet under.
Perhaps the elders in my life didn't tell me how to deal with loss because it is almost impossible to put into words. Maybe they didn't tell me because they knew that grieving differs for everyone; what worked for them may not work for me. Either way, I don't have tools. Let's just file this under that grownup stuff that no one wants to address like heartbreak or student load debt. Man, if only dealing with loss could be as easy as cleaning period panties.

The Grieving Posts 2: Fair Weather Friends

Most of you were here for me when I lost my job and got tossed out of my apartment like a dingy dishrag. If not, believe me when I tell you that it was ugly. I was the DEFINITION of a struggling friend. I was financially and emotionally needy, and, as expected, some of my "friends" found this to be the perfect time to bid their adieu to our friendship. And I totally got it! If a stack of past due bills hadn't been blocking my path to the door, I would have walked out on myself! It was a rough time but, believe it or not, my mom dying has caused more friends to walk out on me than my needing to borrow $20!
The one that hurts the most is a friend that I had had since college. We had spent hours on the phone over the years listening to our dramas and encouraging each other; crying over boys and praying. I mean, I really felt that we knew each other's hearts and we were genuinely there for each other. Honey, I told that girl that my mom died and I have not heard from her in six months. Six. Months. She straight ghosted on a sistah! And she isn't the only friend that has done this.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but here is the long and short of it: someone close to you is going to die at some point. And when this happens, you are going to be very hurt when your "friends" leave you hanging. But I want you to know now what it has taken me six months to understand: death scares people. People don't want to say it or think about it or address it at all! They almost feel like if they console you, they will be acknowledging that it exists and, within minutes, the Grim Reaper will be knocking on their door. They may treat you like your have coodies, but don't be upset. They are as freaked and dumbfounded as you have been in the past when people you knew lost loved ones. However, you can be hurt, just as you have been the other times you have gotten dumped.

Loss

My younger cousin died yesterday morning.
He was fine the day before and then, yesterday, he stopped breathing.
Just weeks after my family buried my grand uncle, my cousin passed.
They say I am an adult, but it doesn't matter how old you are. You never get used to loss. It just hurts every time.