Diaries of a No-Lose Loser

As I sit here eating Popeye's Chicken for lunch, I find myself feeling a little sad and defeated. My college homecoming is coming up, and I am super excited to go. I can not wait to reconnect with some people that I have not seen in almost 20 years. Everyone is talking about how fun it is going to be, and I just know it is going to be amazing! But I am disappointed, thinking the same thing that I think before every homecoming: Aw man, I was supposed to be skinny by now!

I gotta tell you kids, I was pretty dilulu when it came to this homecoming. It is the 100-year anniversary of my alma mater, and I had fantasies of literally showing up on campus in rainboots and a thong. I would spend the whole weekend flirting with boys and twerking on car hoods. I have lost a little weight, but nowhere near enough to attend the day party topless as originally planned. I just knew that this homecoming was going to be high energy. It won't be. I can already tell. The other day, while I was planning the events I am going to attend, I had possibly the strongest urge I've ever had to take a nap. Maybe if I try really hard, like sleep through breakfast and skip lunch, I can lose 200lbs in 30 days. I will get started after I finish my Popeye's. 

Adventures With a Pot Head

Yesterday, Cinnamon and I decide that we both had a hankerin' for Popeye's Chicken. So we go across town to get some, just for her to be so high that she missed the turn to go to the restaurant THREE TIMES! We were literally driving in circles! I have to say, I had never laughed so hard in my life. Primarily because I could tell that she was concentrating and STILL missed the damn turn! It was nothing short of hilarious!

Babies Go Bye-Bye

I went to Staples the other day and ran into a girl that I used to work at Popeye's with in high school.
I hated that job so much that when I usually see someone from that chapter in my life, I go in the opposite direction. But this girl, we will call her "Candi," was nice. She never gave me any problems. I just remember her being very loud and ghetto.
She looked about the same. However, she had kicked the elaborate weave ponytails and huge earrings to the curb, so she looked a bit older. And she was sitting down as she rang people up, which indicated to me that she was pregnant.
I asked her where she was living, and she told me the projects. That made me sad. I don't know how the projects are in other cities, but the ones that have managed to remain open in Atlanta SUCK!
Then I went on to ask her how many kids she had and she had to count on her fingers. I was thinking, "Tell me she hasn't had so many babies that she has lost count!"
Not the case at all. She was trying to refresh her memory to add how many abortions she has had and how many babies she actually kept to tell me how many times she'd been pregnant and no, that is not what I asked her.
"I have one and then I'm pregnant now, but I have been pregnant (counting on fingers) maybe five or six times."
I stared at her blankly as to not say anything offensive such as, "What?!"
But I guess my face said something because she went on to say, "Girl, I couldn't have five kids runnin' around!"
Living in the projects and working at Staples I had to agree. Yet the whole situation made me sad. Why was she offering this information up so easily? I know girls who have found themselves at the abortion clinic that have not even told their parents, nevertheless a person they have not seen in six years!
She seemed happy to be pregnant this time though, rubbing her long acrylic nails over her little baby bump as she helped me find the packing envelops. I can only pray that next time around, she can find some cost-effective birth control.