Curly and the Conservative

I have to admit, I have been worried about Curly and his dating life ever since that nut job took him to that the pee-time bar. You know, the one where the guys participated in piss play in the bathroom😬? So, you can imagine how concerned I was when he told me that he'd had a day date with a Conservative man. 

"I have to admit, when he came over, I was a little afraid that I was going to get hate-crimed in my own home," he confessed. Even recalling this memory, he sounded nervous. I can understand why. I am sure that there are Conservatives who are allies to the LGBTQIA+ cause, but they don't seem nearly as loud as the Bible wavers on social media who have nothing but smoke for the community. Outside of being Conservative, what worried him was that the man didn't even seem gay. He looked like your everyday straight White man that you would run into buying some pre-creased khakis to conceal his dad gut. He didn't look like he knew anything about anything gay. 

However, the guy ended up being super nice, and they sat and talked for a long time about their interests and trending topics. They shared a really cool afternoon together. I guess you can't judge a book by its cover...especially when the cover is confusing. 

"We had a good time, but it is pretty clear that he is straight," Curly said, "so I don't think that there is much of a future there. I totally see him marrying a woman."

"For sure," I said, not quite understanding what he was saying. Look, I learned long ago not to ask too many questions when it comes to this type of thing, but admittedly, I am not quite clear how you can be into men and women sexually and not be bisexual, but instead somehow completely straight. Is this the fluidity that the Gen Z kids are always going on and on about, or just the title word play of a possibly closeted man? Either way, I am glad that Curly walked away from the experience having had a fun time and not with a sad story. Fingers crossed that his next guy friends is actually into guys. 

Curly and the Pee

Something is afoot in the dating world. I am not into the Zodiac or anything like that, but are the planets realigning? Is the sun shifting? Something is wrong in the divine order of things. I don't know what to call it technically or medically, but it seems like many single men have lost their minds, and because I can not make any sense of it here on Earth, I guess it is time for me to take my questions on the matter into the spiritual realm. Recently, a man flashed me his junk "on mistake" during a video call. Risky Business was stood up for four dates in one weekend. And now, Curly has even been taken for a pretty gross ride, meaning that the crazy is even going on in the gay community. I mean, are we all screwed?

Over the weekend, Curly went on a dinner date with his guy friend, Todd, which went pretty well. Then afterwards, they decided to hit up a couple of bars. All was well until they hit up the last bar, a gay bar that seemed pretty niche from the word go. 

"I walked into the bar and literally every guy there looked like different versions of George from Seinfeld," he said. This made me laugh. I mean, how many Georges could there be in one place? According to Curly, it was a whole house full. He went to the bar and ordered a drink, then asked Todd to hold said drink while he went to the bathroom. Todd gremised. Apparently, this was a bad idea.

"The guys here are really into piss play," he informed Curly. "They pretty much pee on each other in the bathroom."

Who takes their date to some type of pee palace piss kink nightmare club on a date?! Curly didn't have time to think about it. He really had to pee. He went to the bathroom, and what he saw was horrifying. First off, the floor was pretty much saturated in urine. And there were no uninals, just some type of group pee troft and a stall with no door. Listening to him describe it, it sounded like a bathroom in some type of overseas men's prison. There was only one man in there at the moment, and he was visibly disappointed when Curly left the bathroom after he relieved himself and didn't stick around for a pee party. On the ride home, Todd seemed a bit confused by Curly's attitude. I mean, what's the big deal about taking someone you like romantically to some type of open diaper den? 

The moral of this story? These guys either openly don't give a sh$t or they are setting you up to get peed on. Now, if that doesn't sound like an awesome, swingin' dating scene, I don't know what does! 

The Gay Divorcee pt 1: The Sex Quest

Rudith is divorcing her wife Maria and currently dating and having sex with men that she has met on Bumble. Seeing that she's been married to a woman for years, I thought she was a lesbian. Turns out she's queer. I'm going to be honest, I'm not sure what queer means. As I've said over the years, queer sounds like something bad that happens to cheese.

I had no idea that she and her wife were having issues. I couldn't tell from their annual Christmas cards. However, according to Rudith, Maria's inconsistency brings nothing but chaos, confusion, and despair to everything she touches. Couples therapy didn't work, so Rudith has kicked Maria out of the bedroom and banished her to the basement. Rudith has also created an ancestral altar to combat Maria's negative vibes. 

"I suggested an open marriage, but she said no because she never wants to do anything that makes sense!" Rudith exclaimed over the phone. She was headed back home after a quick getaway she treated herself to since her wife is out of town. 

So Rudith did what we all do when we don't know what to do: she turned to app dating. She matched with a guy the day she created her profile, went on a date, went to the guy's house and hooked up with him which officially started her campaign to have the best sex of her life. 

"I'm just playing with these women's sons for a minute," she explained. And it's working. She is very honest with the men about her situation, and as we all know, men love nothing more than lesbians and a challenge. She is clear with them about wanting strong masculine energy which has brought men who have award-winning penis and no desire to go dutch into her life. She's even being invited to exclusive members-only clubs and taken on exciting dates. It all sounds great, but I was confused on how she could be intimate with anyone else when she is still married? 

"A divorce could take two or three years and I already haven't had sex with my wife for two! Do you want me to go without sex for like five years?!"

I sometimes forget how I am the only one dedicated to a dry, sexless existence. I also forget how most people don't identify with a black and white definition of relationships, not even in a marriage. I don't believe anything is over until it's over, so you should behave accordingly or risk BAD karma. However, Rudith swears that dating and hetero- sexing is just what the doctor ordered. Literally! Her therapist is on board with her technical cheating. Even her kids have noticed the pep in her step! 

If we are going to be adults, I guess we also have to be honest about what cheating is. Are you really physically cheating if you have emotionally separated from a person? My grandma would have said yes. Rudith's shrink and Rudith say otherwise.

Also, if we are going to continue being honest adults, we also have to admit that happiness can often be the theoretical butterfly that we can not catch. Is it really wrong to run towards it even if we are technically involved in something else? Hearing about Rudith's cool makeout sessions with military men in her car makes me want to say no but I don't know. Keep in mind that I have been told often that I'm a prude. I don't know if I'd go that far, but I will say that I'm relationship conservative which I'm realizing is quickly going out of style. Things often are not cut and dry. I guess the question is as simple as it was for Sheryl Crow in her old hit song: If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. 

Secrets

A friend of mine recently came out gay. Well, she didn't really come out. She was forced to acknowledge that she was after someone put the secret together from her Facebook pictures. Slowly, everyone we know is finding out and it's like, "Such and such is gay, shhhh."
I haven't digested this as a juicy secret. It has scared me crapless. I know what it is like to have secrets and I could not imagine what it would be like to have one exposed and people treat it like hot news instead of the beginning of a change in my life or as embarrassing.
We all have secrets, right? I am asking, because over the past year, I have heard a lot of other people's from folks who must not have any. And God knows I have blabbed more than my share before I was mature enough to know how nasty that was.
Sitting here, I'd say that I have about three secrets that, if anyone found out, I would go jump in the lake, because there would be no recovery from their exposure. One of them I am pretty sure could get me some jail time.
Knowing this I want to console my friend. I wanted to text her yesterday, but what do you say? "Sorry you got outed. Ouch." Maybe, "Everyone is gay now, keep your head up."
I don't think I will say anything to her, because there is nothing you can say to make certain levels of shame and embarrassment more tolerable. As bad as I feel for her, I am waking up thankful that, for now, my secrets are safe.

Just A Thought

So many of my friends have chucked dudes and become bisexual. They have just thrown in the towel. Some of them just are, some of them are trying something new, but most of them have gotten so drained by men, so tapped before they were even 30, that they have just given up. I can see where they are coming from, seeing that men are infuriating, calculating, and irritating. However, if I start hearing men say that they are going gay because girls are pissing them off, I think it will then be time to pack our bags and head south!

Going Gay: A new energy plan

Because of our current oil crisis, many Americans are stocking up on eco-friendly light bulbs and cooling systems to help our environment. Others are taking the bus and recycling grocery bags. But my close girlfriends are a step ahead of the curve as usual: they are going gay instead of going green.
That's right everybody! Going gay saves a gal these days more energy than clean coal production.
Many of my friends who have just recently turned their backs on men can only talk about how happy they are. How fun it is. How differently it is living without a guy draining you by lathering you with his consistent lies and nonsense. No longer are they plagued with tear-stained pillows and suspicions that their beaus are cheating. Most of them don't know why they didn't think of switching teams earlier. They just no longer have the energy to deal with dudes.
I guess some people could view this as a major problem, especially here in Atlanta, where there are so many lezzies that my mother has commented that she thinks that there is something in the water. But I don't care. My generation shot sexuality lines to hell like ten years ago.
My theory stems from the claims of my newly turned friends. But I know from my OGs (Original Gays) that maintaining a same-sex relationship, as with any relationship worth keeping, is hard. Add on the disgusted looks from people when you go out on dates and the parental disapproval and its damn near impossible.
Either way, I think that we need to look at men today. What is going on with them that so many women rather date a woman than deal with a man? I can not stress how common this is becoming. My friend Cali left her fiance to be with a woman because she has gotten so fed up.
I guess as with other trends, I will sit back and watch how all this plays out. As for myself, I think I will just make like the rest of the US and try to run my home on solar energy.