Babies

I used to work at a daycare in the 2-year-old room. They were cool kids, but I always made a point to visit the baby room before it was time to go home. Have you ever spent time in a room full of babies? It's like being in candy land. They are all sweet and soft and smell like like freshness. You literally want to take a bite out of all of them. I say that to say this: I don't want kids...I don't think.

"If you wanted kids, you would know by now," Dizzle assured me. You see, she wants kids, and has wanted them her whole life. On the same hand, she is an only child. I have three siblings and when I was a kid, taking them everywhere with me, I already felt like a mother. It didn't feel good. It felt overwhelming and suffocating. 

Sometimes when I am bored, I think about what my kids would look like and what I would name them. Then I think about how horrible it would be to have kids while broke and single and I have a panic attack. 

P judges me for not wanting kids. As you know, he is Muslim, and deep down in his heart, he feels that my sole purpose for being alive is to populate the earth with babies, regardless of whether or not I am capable of taking care of them. This is the same man that told me that he felt that women that didn't want kids had a mental problem because, duh, why would women not want to do something super awesome that men can't do? 😑 

Perhaps I am putting the cart before the horse, thinking of kids before I even have a man. But a friend of mine who is two years older than me went to the gynecologist and they suggested she freeze her eggs because she is old. Talk about a cold slap in the face! I thought there was a silent rule to NEVER call a woman old, especially before she was 40! When you realize how little time you really have to get pregnant, it makes you start thinking of pregnancy, even when you are me and you aren't sure if you want to be a mother. 

"If I had a daughter, I would name her Noel," I told Dizzle proudly. Noel. Thank God for blessing me with the sense to separate my fantasies from what is actually fitting for my life.