In the early 2000s I was friend dumped by two people that were very important to me: FeFeDo and Brownie. Both of them cut me off like a diabetic toe and didn't look back, and to say that I was hurt by this is an understatement. I would go as far as to say that I mourned them. The loss of them in my life was great. Yet, it was a weird kind of mourning, seeing that I still saw them on social media living their best lives. They weren't a few cups of dust in a couple of erns somewhere. They were alive and well, going to cookouts and gender reveals. They just didn't want to talk to me, which was a very bitter pill to swallow. Last year, I got closure from FeFeDo via text. Long story short, she felt like I was needy which was interesting, seeing that I talked her through every single one of her botched situationships that usually ended up in a dumpster fire of her own making, but that is neither here nor there. I am grateful that we got to clear the air, even though we are no longer friends. Brownie, on the other hand, is a fart in the wind. I will never know why he friend dumped me but his exit from my life reaffirmed something I pieced together as a child dealing with paternal abandonment issues: these bros ain't loyal.
I have said it before and I will say it again: being friend dumped is worse than being dumped by a romantic partner because you kind of expect your partner to screw you. Your friends are real. They are your support. Their care for you is different. And as someone who grew up on Saved by the Bell reruns and Babysitter's Club books, I naively and at my own detriment consider friendship to be something monumental and life-long, even though I know that is not always the case. This I learned from FeFeDo and Brownie if I learned nothing else. Perhaps this is why I am on cruise control, seeing that I am currently being friend dumped now. Here we go again. Life is nothing if not annoyingly repetitive, am I right?
This go 'round, I am being dropped by "Britney" and "Neil". Britney is giving me what Michelle Obama referred to as "The Slow Ghost". We used to talk often, now she can go months without talking to me and I am always the one to call her. Our conversations don't flow as well as they used to, and I get the feeling that she has outgrown me. It happens, but it still stings. I don't have the energy to ask her about it because due to the FeFeDo-Brownie disaster, I know what's up without having to be told. I am trying not to dwell too much on it because I don't want to cry. Crying causes under eye puffiness that takes way longer to go down at my age.
Then there is Neil. Oh Neil. One could argue that our friendship has not been even from the start. I started out with a crush on him and just on a general human level, it was obvious that I liked him more than he liked me. Yet over the years we have kept in touch and we make each other laugh. However, that old red flag is still evident: I always have to be the one to call him. On top of this, he has a girlfriend now and it should be universal common knowledge that a girlfriend is a platonic girl-boy friendship's kiss of death. I won't even bore you with the laundry list of men that went from friends to not-homies once they got paired up. I just brought this up to my therapist and we discussed how, when people get in relationships or marriages their priorities change. I get it. That's how it should be. I just wish I was someone, anyone's priority.
As my own emotional doctor I have to say that I am monitoring the latest dumping situation closely. I am currently A-okay, no signs of mourning malignancy or Stage 4 anxiety. But hey, it's still early in the month. This time next week I could be catatonic. Thus is life.
No comments:
Post a Comment