The "Third-Person" Pieces 2: Nostalgic

Of late, Holly has fallen victim to a nostalgic mind set triggered by a therapeutic mental reliving of her childhood. She guesses that the bad old days seem good when your present is in limbo. She reached out to two friends from elementary school which resulted in two fun, long conversations but no returned texts. She has developed a social media crush on a guy she went to middle school with. She likes to pretend that high school never happened. 

Holly is not one of those people that wastes time wishing she could go back in time; however, she would like it if her past had grown and morphed into a present that wasn't so tragic. 

Holly listens to podcasts where positive people talk about taking charge and making changes in your life. Perhaps Holly would buy into this if change could be more strictly defined. For Holly has been open to change before, actually changed, then the horrors reappeared on time and ready to kick her 10 steps back. What is the point of change if you are just going to end up older in the same bad spot again? Wouldn't an unhappy stagnancy be the less painful choice? The solution would be to keep living to find out. Great. 

Elevation Hateration

I have been soliciting a lot of prayers lately. Y'all, I am trying to get on the good foot in regards to my life. For four years, I feel like I have been emotionally and professionally all over the place, moving at the speed of an empty plastic bag sailing across a Wal-Mart parking lot. In less than five months I will be thirty-five and some things have to change. So I am praying for direction, job offers, income, confidence, and healthy hair- all the things needed to get my life back on the right track. And I was asking those closest to me to pray for this on my behalf. But my friend Twin warned against this.
Twin is one of the many non-related aunties in my life. She is in her late 40s, looks 30, keeps her skin hydrated, is one of the last Black women to still get perms, and she is about as holy as they come. When I saw her recently, I asked her to pray me up some good opportunities, and she said she would, but warned me against asking too many people.
"You have to watch who you ask to pray for you, because everybody don't have your best interest at heart," she warned, pointing her acrylic nail in my face with the seriousness and steadiness of an old bayu witch .
Hm. This was interesting to me, because I had been thinking that the more prayers going up on my behalf, the better. It never occurred to me that there could be someone out there trying to spiritually sabotage me.
But over the years, I have suspected that there were people in my life that were happy that I am a have-not. I have been told by people I shared this with to confront these "friends" about this, but how do you ask someone who you otherwise love if they want you to fail?
Sadly, going over the list in my head recently, I realized that the list has gotten longer since the last time I did it in my head, which made me sad. How am I attracting people into my life that don't want me to shine?
That is a question for another day. For now, I am praying like I have never prayed before for money and miracles. I even asked my mom in Heaven to give me a referral. I will let you know how this pans out, but you can't share it with the haters.

Solange Said Let It Go

Earlier this year I lost a good friend. He went into the hospital and didn't come out. He died in less than a week, and when I got the call that he died, it was like someone had pushed the reset button on my mind.
Self-awareness moment: I can be a lot; dramatic, extra, petty, etc. These are things I have always wanted to change about myself, but that I had talked myself into believing were the quirky things about my personality that made me special so I wouldn't have to do the work. In reality, they have been the chains around my ankles preventing me from elevating.
The connection: the passing of my friend made this fact come to the surface as something I need to deal with, now. On top of this, I need to take a hard look at my friendships.
I consider myself a good friend but again, if we are talking honestly here, I can be a lot. I need a shoulder to cry on a lot for some friends, and for others, I am not their shoulder enough. I hold on to people who I know could care less, while I fight for those that I know I have outgrown or vise versa. This became very clear when I lost a friend who was a huge part of my life and development that I hadn't talked to in ages, more focused on people who could give two shits.
I'm upset with myself about this, but Solange said let it go. I'm working on it.
Every year I make resolutions that I don't follow through on. This makes me feel bad about myself, so I decided not to do any this year. However, if I had to have one, it would be to have the strength to let go of friendships that have run their course and be content with the good memories the friendship brought me. On the other end, I have to be cool with people letting go of me. This could end with me having no one to my left or right, and I'd have to be cool with that, even though it's scary.
This will be VERY hard for me, but I feel that if this is successful, I will feel lighter. I will keep you updated.