NO!

I am proud to report to you that my 2-year-old niece is a tough cookie. When she doesn't want to do something, she stomps her little foot, crosses her arms, and shouts no at the top of her lungs before running off. This is obviously a behavior that needs to be corrected, yet when she does it, I feel a sense of jealousy. Her response is the response that I want to have to just about everything in my life. 

You see, I find myself in a consistent state of shock over how overwhelming adulting is. Being grown is nothing like how I imagined it as a child. Every day was supposed to be like some version of a Living Single episode. Only, my version was going to include more money and sex and travel. Surprise, this Khadijah is not living that life at all.  But I am single. I guess that is a small win. 

I think of this when I see my niece acting out, and I often wonder what it would be like to respond to the world as she responds to me when I say she can't have another cookie. 

The World: Holly, apply for more jobs that will not call you for an interview. 

Me: No! 

The World: Holly, do something with your hair before you end up with an enormous dreadlock. 

Me: No! 

The World: Holly, please complete all tasks in a reasonable manner so that you don't have to rush. 

Me: NOOOOOOO! 

Instead of stomping out of the room, I tend to roll over and take a good nap, then wake up and stream a movie. There is no solution other than doing what I need to do, you know, adulting, so sometimes, I rather just clock out and dream about my once dreamt about sitcom life. But you can't stay asleep forever. Believe me, I've tried. So at some point (you'd think it would have been before middle age), I am going to have to get up and pull up my big girl undies and do something about my life. But don't ask me to be excited about it because the answer is no! 

The Gabe Factor

In another post sometime I will tell you how my search for Patty, my 8th grade best friend who used to date Charles Christmas, led me to having a mistaken conversation with Other Patty, another Patty I went to school with that wasn't my Patty. 

The convo was fruitful. She told me what she was up to and she also confirmed that Gabe, this boy we went to school with, somehow got involved with drugs and died. I recently even talked to my aunty and cousin who knew him and his family. His death shocked everyone. 

Honestly, I can't even invision Gabe smoking a cigarette. He was cute. He was funny. He was bright. He could sing. He and some other boys were in a singing group. I remember they sang  "All My Life" by KC and JoJo at a middle school assembly. We were not good friends, but we once did a project together where we had a spirited discussion on when it's appropriate to use an acronym which, oddly enough, is a debate I've had many times over the years. Other Patty said she felt he turned to drugs because his music career didn't work out. 

I'm not sure if this is true, but the thought it might be led me to have a conversation with Lisha about how we don't express to kids the importance of having a reliable and attainable plan B. No one knows better than me how hard it is when your dream life doesn't work out. How can we prepare kids for this without crushing their goals? I say kids because this definitely isn't something you want to start considering at 20 when your back is against the wall. 

Honestly, I'm not sure doing so would even matter. Telling me I should have a solid plan B would not have caused me to stop striving towards being a writer. Like I said, I didn't know Gabe closely, but I'm sure that having a plan B would not have stopped him from singing. The hard truth is that you have to take life when it comes how it comes, prepared or not. That's pretty much a golden rule. There's no acronym for that. 

Daddy Disappointment

My dad texted me to tell me that his vacation was canceled and that he can't come to see me. I am not allowing myself to think about whether or not I think that he is lying or not. I don't think he is, but I don't know. Either way, I am disappointed. I am going to Chicago next month for work. I am pondering telling him I am coming, because that is where he lives. The only thing is is that if I go there, in his hometown, and he doesn't come to see me, I will be pissed, and I have enough Daddy issues without adding being jilted to the list.

Daddy Visit

My Dad had been texting me earlier in the month to inform me that he was coming to Atlanta to visit me. I was actually quite excited to see him, seeing that I had not seen him since 2005. I did not grow up with my Dad, but I don't harbor harsh feelings. I am looking forward to chillin' with him though.
Anywho, he is supposed to be coming next week. I texted him to see what date he was actually coming, no response. I really hope that he doesn't renig, but I get a feeling he may.
No matter how old you are or whether or not your Dad raised you, you still feel disappointed when he breaks promises or plans. Hopefully, I will hear from him by the end of the weekend.

Hindsight

I'm watching the view right now, and Barbara Walters just talked about how she was watching TV and there was an interview with this old woman who just got out of jail on parole. She looked like she could be someone's granny, primarily because she'd been in jail for over thirty years. She'd tried to assassinate President Ford. Anywho, they interviewed her and she said looking back, she didn't even recognize the woman who tried to kill Jerry.
So if I look back, which can't be too far back, I don't think me at 12 or 6 would recognize me. I used to have such high expectations for myself. The younger mes predicted that I would be in a super serious relationship by now and living in some sky rise loft someplace, maybe Atlanta, maybe Paris. I was going to be AWESOME! Today, I have no drive. I wake up like six times before I decide if I want to get out of bed. Sometimes I don't. It's no secret that I don't have a man, and I live in a small room off my Aunt's garage with no window.
Uggghhhh, I am sooooo wiped out. Hopefully me at 48 will not be disappointed.