The older I get, the more I get to know myself. I guess that should go without saying, but this may not be the case for everyone. And I find that the things that I am realizing about myself are things that I should have realized years ago. For example, I used to think that I got seasonal depression during the holidays, but I now realize that I get a version of it before every season change, and it manifests as deep mourning. I have been thinking about my late grandma a lot, and experiencing sadness over lost friendships. Risky Business called me this morning and told me that she realized today, at 40 years old, that every man she has been in relationship with, both serious and otherwise, has come out of her friendship circle. You would think that she would have noticed this two decades ago, but I guess it is never too late for a lightbulb moment. I think that as long as we are having these lightbulb moments, we still have an opportunity to change and make ourselves better. In my case, I can continue to work on ways to deal with loss until it doesn't feel as heavy. Maybe Risky can go out on a limb and find a date that isn't a bestie. In my mind's eye, we will continue to prune ourselves until we are finally complete...or close to it. I can't wait to see what that will look like.
Showing posts with label mourning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mourning. Show all posts
Saturday, April 11, 2026
Saturday, July 6, 2024
Mommy
I've been missing my mommy of late. I always miss her, but lately, I have been longing to talk to her so badly.
Oddly enough, talking to her when she was alive could irritate me like no other. She was always giving me unasked for advice which drove me up the wall! But I was also just getting to know her. We butted heads my whole childhood because I didn't like her mooching leech of a boyfriend. As a young adult, I no longer had to see her deal with him, which left room for us to acquaint ourselves with each other. Now she's gone and I find myself needing to talk to her.
If she had not been cremated, I'd totally be advocating for a Pet Cemetery situation just so we could chat before she'd try to kill me. In this case, I'm sad this is not a scene from a Stephen King fantasy. I no longer wish to be sad. Time for bed.
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Mourning
For the past few months, I have been in a state of mourning. It was hard to identify. I was feeling emotional and actually had to sit down with myself and figure out why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. And after a few nights of lying still and meditating on things (which was exhausting) I realized that I was mourning a number of deaths that I have had to deal with over the past four years.
As you know, my grandmother died, my mother died, my college best friend died as well as my best friend from high school. Obviously, I mourned the loss of these important people in my life.
But after some deep reflection, I also unveiled that I am in mourning over some friendships and connections that have died. Some of which I don't even know why they faded. Others I am very aware, understand the necessity of why they were dissolved, but still miss the friendship. I miss Brownie. I miss FeFe. I miss talking to Lauren on a regular basis.
On top of this, I miss my previous life. Once upon a time in my 20s, I used to love to go out on the town and hang out. A mixture of my obligations and on and off depression have exterminated my desire to get up, put on a cute dress, and go mix and mingle. Thinking about all of the hustle and bustle makes me want to take a nap, but I do miss going out and having fun.
P and I recently talked about college and how we missed just being young and partying. There is something to be said about being a 20-something on your own for the first time. Everything old under the sun is new to you, and each day is a breeding ground for new experiences. Aging comes with a certain amount of fear. I mourn no longer being carefree. I am now very careful.
Now that I have identified the cause of my mourning, my next step is figuring out my next steps, which is kind of exciting. Even though I am not where I want to be, I understand that I am in a place to define the next chapters in my life, and this makes me hopeful. I won't have time to mourn my past. I will be too excited about my future.
As you know, my grandmother died, my mother died, my college best friend died as well as my best friend from high school. Obviously, I mourned the loss of these important people in my life.
But after some deep reflection, I also unveiled that I am in mourning over some friendships and connections that have died. Some of which I don't even know why they faded. Others I am very aware, understand the necessity of why they were dissolved, but still miss the friendship. I miss Brownie. I miss FeFe. I miss talking to Lauren on a regular basis.
On top of this, I miss my previous life. Once upon a time in my 20s, I used to love to go out on the town and hang out. A mixture of my obligations and on and off depression have exterminated my desire to get up, put on a cute dress, and go mix and mingle. Thinking about all of the hustle and bustle makes me want to take a nap, but I do miss going out and having fun.
P and I recently talked about college and how we missed just being young and partying. There is something to be said about being a 20-something on your own for the first time. Everything old under the sun is new to you, and each day is a breeding ground for new experiences. Aging comes with a certain amount of fear. I mourn no longer being carefree. I am now very careful.
Now that I have identified the cause of my mourning, my next step is figuring out my next steps, which is kind of exciting. Even though I am not where I want to be, I understand that I am in a place to define the next chapters in my life, and this makes me hopeful. I won't have time to mourn my past. I will be too excited about my future.
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