30s No Bueno

Is it normal to lose your mind in your 30s? I ask because all the 30-somethings around me are cracking like walnuts. Broken romantic relationships. Loneliness. Lost friendships. Work drama. Finance freakouts. Sick parents. A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. You could fill a swimming pool with the tears from my friends alone. On top of all of this, I am trying to lose weight after being told to lose weight since I was about five. This is happening at a time when I have about as much metabolism as a foam cup, but that is another post entirely. 

You will be happy to know that P has dodged the 30s anxieties that are crippling the rest of us. While we all are doing everything possible to get into virtual therapy, he is self-soothing by holding true to his age-old motto: Toughen Up. Man, if ever there was a guy with a stiff upper lip it is P. Right now, I am about as tough as melting ice cream. 

Oh, and have any of you noticed what I am coining as Social Media Contradiction Disorder? On Instagram, everyone I know is partying on boats or eating brunch at fancy home rentals. Yet, my Facebook reads like a trail of tears. Posts are paragraphs long outlining disappointments and heartaches. Maybe my Facebook friends could brighten up if they took a lesson from my IG friends and spent their spare time taking photographs of their outfits and lunches. 

So what is the solution? I am not sure, this is my first time in my 30s. Hang in there I guess? Hang in there. Please. If ever there was a piece of useless advice, it's hang in there. I imagine us 30 somethings have to continue to be a support to each other. Or maybe we can just keep crying until we eventually dehydrate and our minds, bodies, and spirits go into some type of automatic renewal. Whatever is easier. 

The Universal Aunty

What is youth?
This is a question I have been going over again and again in my head for the past couple of months, ever since I allowed myself to be aware of the fact that, in December, I will be turning 35. And after much deliberation, I have decided that youth is being able to live as carefree as possible without the fear that any little decision can result in a disaster that you can not rebound from.
When I was in my 20s, I lived in a never-ending, 24-hour cycle of consistent fear. What if I lost my job? What if I lost my apartment? What if I was unable to pay my bills? What if I lost the small amount of clout that I'd built for myself? Guess what? All of the above happened. And since I felt like I was 105 at 25, I slipped into a black hole that has been very hard to climb out of. I didn't understand what it meant to have youth on my side! When you are young, you can lose everything and make enormous mistakes. Then, after you've cried and sent out a series of emotional Tweets, you can dry your eyes and use that youthful energy to start all over. And what I know now is that you will do that over and over again until you end up someplace that sticks and that is called life. I didn't understand this as a young woman so now, as a sorta-young woman, I am a few steps behind the game. But it is all good. It has been put on my heart to warn those beautiful melanated beauties behind me of this part of the game that no one shared with me. I have Christened myself The Universal Aunty.
Yesterday, I went to brunch with Haynes and we were seated next to two adorable little sisters. They informed us that they were 25. I told them to drink more water because 30s acne is real. I told them to go on birth control, quit their job if they hate it, and travel. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUNG! They should be building experiences, not chaining themselves down to a way a life that can be snatched away like I did. Know this while you are busy knowin' stuff: life has its own plans for you.
Recently, one of my rideshare drivers told me she was 23 with no kids. I told her that after she dropped me off at my destination, she needed to get on the freeway and drive to Miami. I told her not to worry about money, she could sleep in the car. She said that that sounded nice, but I could tell that she was not going to do it. There is something about liking access to your phone and good credit that will forever keep some of us in chains.
Five years and two months from 40, I am just now understanding this, and I intend to use this last bit of my sorta-youth to learn, live, and shine like it is 2009...minus my micro braids and crush on Nelly.

Mourning

For the past few months, I have been in a state of mourning. It was hard to identify. I was feeling emotional and actually had to sit down with myself and figure out why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. And after a few nights of lying still and meditating on things (which was exhausting) I realized that I was mourning a number of deaths that I have had to deal with over the past four years.
As you know, my grandmother died, my mother died, my college best friend died as well as my best friend from high school. Obviously, I mourned the loss of these important people in my life.
But after some deep reflection, I also unveiled that I am in mourning over some friendships and connections that have died. Some of which I don't even know why they faded. Others I am very aware, understand the necessity of why they were dissolved, but still miss the friendship. I miss Brownie. I miss FeFe. I miss talking to Lauren on a regular basis.
On top of this, I miss my previous life. Once upon a time in my 20s, I used to love to go out on the town and hang out. A mixture of my obligations and on and off depression have exterminated my desire to get up, put on a cute dress, and go mix and mingle. Thinking about all of the hustle and bustle makes me want to take a nap, but I do miss going out and having fun.
P and I recently talked about college and how we missed just being young and partying. There is something to be said about being a 20-something on your own for the first time. Everything old under the sun is new to you, and each day is a breeding ground for new experiences. Aging comes with a certain amount of fear. I mourn no longer being carefree. I am now very careful.
Now that I have identified the cause of my mourning, my next step is figuring out my next steps, which is kind of exciting. Even though I am not where I want to be, I understand that I am in a place to define the next chapters in my life, and this makes me hopeful. I won't have time to mourn my past. I will be too excited about my future.

24/34

The other day, I flipped back some pages in my journal and began reading passages from when I was 24. You would have thought that I had written those entries yesterday because my complaints about money, graduate school, and not knowing what I was going to do with my life read all too current. We are talking 10 years! How do I still have the same fears and anxieties?
My mentor recently told me that I need to "take the first step" with a lot of things in my life. She is so right. There are so many things that I have not started or accomplished out of fear of failure, so I don't even try. But this has to change. I don't want to go into middle age still debating on whether or not I want to retake the GRE or move out of Atlanta.
I have discovered that after my first big failure in my 20s, it has been increasingly more difficult for me to make decisions, not hat it was easy for me back then. I do recall moving through life with relatively more ease. But that just may have been because I was young, and not as aware as I am now that one wrong move could send me spiraling downwards and backward on the path of my life. I'm not old, but I am too old to make young mistakes. Just as with my joints, my rebound time from taking a hit has slowed significantly. That's why admire these young Instagram entrepreneurs that have put their last into a weave business and they are now millionaires. If I put my last into anything, the odds are too high that, if it goes south, I will spend the next ten years eating out of a tin can.
As true as this may be, I don't want to waste time making excuses. I want to do as my mentor advised and "take the first step". So I am currently working on a play, something I have always wanted to do. But I'm not as naive as I was when I was 5, watching a video of the play Purlie Victorious with my grandmother. I am very aware that my attempt at local theater flops, my career will take a Mike Tyson level hit that it may take me forever to recoup from. But you can't live in fear, right? So onward I go, working on my play. Hopefully, my 44-year-old entries will be written from a place of success and wealth. #positivethinking

Excited

I just ended a stint as a substitute teacher at a daycare. It was fun, sitting and playing legos all day with 2-year-olds. One of the teachers in the class was this statuesque 24-year-old babe that just graduated from college. I noticed that she kept her phone close to her, chronically checking it for something. Oh, how I remember the chronic cellphone check.
"I think she is excited, waiting on a guy to text her," I told Bells over a nice Mexican dinner. She was in town visiting her sister.
"Oh, I remember that," Bells said, nostalgically.
Watching Babe Teacher hold on to her phone for dear life, I realized that it has been a long time since I have been excited about a guy. There was that crush I had on that guy in my writing group, but that fuzzed out. I do believe that I have finally run out of excited-about-a-guy juice. I go on and on about how much I would love a man hug, but truth be told, I am not looking for anyone and I am sure that no one is looking for me.
But it is nice to be excited about a guy, waiting on his text, thinking of witty responses to whatever it is that he is going to say. When I am looking at my phone these days, it is just to check what time it is.
Right now, I'm more excited about the day that I finally get up the energy to defer my student loans and work on my credit. At 34, I can see 40 clear from here, and if I don't get my coin in order, I will be living in a cardboard box under the freeway. My good friends will come visit me every Sunday to bring me canned goods and baby wipes.
One day, I do hope to get excited about a man again, but for now, I have to find joy in writing disputes to TransUnion over what is on my credit karma report. Yay!

Crustville

It's always interesting talking to my friend Alex because we are so different. She lives life outside of the box, and I live life so inside of the box that I am beginning to develop agoraphobia. This was somewhat the theme of our conversation today.
"I turn 34 this year, and I am not sure what to do for my birthday," I explained to her. "Last year I had a tea tasting, and the year before that, I had a movie night."
"Boring!" she exclaimed. "Teas and movie nights are not the way you celebrate getting older."
"I guess I could do something a little more fun," I whimpered into the phone. "I don't want to be old and crusty."
"Girl, you are on your way to Crustville, no stops!" she yelled in my ear.
It's always a little sad when people are hip to something about yourself that you thought that you were hiding. I noticed at my homecoming last year that I'm not as fun as I used to be in my 20s. But in my 20s, I was happy and optimistic, eager to see what life had to offer. Now I know what life has to offer: dead parents, debt, evictions, low credit scores, bad dates, and depression. Nothing about any of these things makes me want to put on a slinky dress and stand outside the club in a line, waiting to stand for another four hours in the middle of a crowded dance floor while drunk dudes bump into me.
"You need to live a little," Alex advised.
I've lived a little. Then life happened, now I'm living la vida in silence. Yes, I am for having a good time, but unlike 20s me, I have no interest in frazzle and minimal interest in dazzle.
"You are right." She was right. She is a good friend, and I am really taking what she said under advisement. If this year has taught me anything, it is that life is short. So, in regards to my birthday, do you think that Groupon has competitive rates on group knitting classes? I have always wanted to learn.

Brian and the Dawn of the Boy-Girl

I went to school with a boy named Brian that is relentlessly belly aching all over my Facebook feed. He just won't quit! Everyday he is going off about how the women in L.A. are fake and boring and opportunists; that they only want material things from a man and nothing real. I have to admit that these posts are entertaining to me seeing that, in college, he was the renowned author of a list that highlighted the "hottest" girls in school. The girls, of course, all had relaxers and light skin and HUGE butts.
I guess this is why I was so shocked that a man that was previously so artificial himself was now complaining about there being a lack of substance in the dating world. The angry Black woman in me wants to tell him that he would have found a girl of substance in school if he hadn't been humiliating them with those dumb lists. But, as a fellow person in the world out here trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents when it comes to love, I just want to pat him on the back and welcome him to the party.
Here is something you should know about Brian: he is hot. Not super duper hot but a step above basic hot. If he was on his own list, he would be a number six out of ten. The moral of that tidbit is this: he is hot enough to get a quality girlfriend. He is literally tall, dark, and handsome! I was thinking about this the other day as I was painting my toe nails. Then it dawned on me: boys are girls too!
All this time I just assumed that men my age were just out here surfing for sex and hearts to break; looking for a good time with no strings attached. But Brian's posts clearly show that he wants strings...BAD. If he is a cookie cutter example of at least ten percent of men in their 30s than this is good news! All this time, the picture depicted led us to believe that women were looking for love while men were looking for lovin'. If Brian's latest status is any indication, men are looking for love too! We are all looking for the same thing! We should let each other know so we all aren't out here making asses of ourselves, trying to be what we thought the other wanted.
Admittedly, this may take some time. Until then, we have Brian's status updates to keep us entertained.

The Bible Theory

In the Sex In The City movie, Sarah Jessica Parker told Jennifer Hudson's character that your 30s are for the hard lessons. Carrie girl, you ain't never lied! Through talking to my friends, there are some lessons being learned out here in these streets that are outright BRUTAL. In my life, the lessons over the past years have been downright DEVASTATING. But every now and then, you like to hear about someone else's screw ups to make you feel a little better about your own.

I talked to my friend Amelia who informed me that her college ex recently got divorced 😞 It seems that he cheated on his wife, who now gets Juanita Jordan level alimony from him😍 I was never the biggest fan of this guy. He has always been mildly douchey. But I was happy to hear that he was learning one of those killer 30s lessons: it's cheaper to keep her. However, what was even more interesting about this story was Amelia's take on it all.  

"His ex-wife is Christian, and I know that it is wrong that he cheated on her, but in The Bible, men had like ten wives at a time. Men fell in love many times and had many women and everything was all good. I'm just saying."

Oh no. My friend has become one of those girls. 

I don't know where I fall on the Christianity scale. I believe that there is a God, but I hate waking up early on Sundays. Yet it never ceases to amaze me how people will use The Bible to justify any and everything. First, it was slavery, not it's group relationships! 

I do not believe that God would want you to allow yourself to be disrespected to fulfill some dude's misogynistic fantasy of having a whole bunch of women at his beck and call. Furthermore, we as women can not drink this Kook-Aid that He would. We all have to be in one accord on this before we all wake up one day as sisterwives, wondering how we go to this place. I believe that there is one person for everybody, and when you find them, appreciate it, and demonstrate a little friggin' self-control and try to be committed! Because a lesson that I have learned in my 30s with men is this: you better stand firm on your morals with them. Letting silly stuff slide like cheating makes it hard for the next woman to have a committed relationship. We can not settle for less, for ourselves, and for the next sister's sake. 

I explained this to Amelia and she said that she agrees, although I don't see how you can fall on both sides of the fence with this. One of those lessons that you probably learned in middle school applies: stand for something or fall for anything. A least stand for respecting yourself and knowing your worth. I know, easier said than done. Let's work on it together.