There were a lot of people that I wanted to see at homecoming. Two people that I felt it was imperative to see were Sexy Koala and Hot Wife to potentially discuss being a third in their marriage. They just seem really cool, and I'm in desperate need of a future. After I graduated from college, people told me to get a job and a car, but no one, NO ONE, suggested that I get a future. Turns out, that's important.
Sexy Koala is tall and cute. I thought so even in school. But what's way more importante than his being tall and cute is that he has a job. I looked him up on LinkedIn. He works someplace I've never heard of, doing something I don't understand. Who can deduce what anyone does with these new-age fancy job titles?? What I have deduced from social media is that he makes money. I don't, so I think he and I would complement each other well in this way.
Oddly enough, the desire to be a part of Sexy Koala's marriage is not rooted in Sexy Koala; it's rooted in the persona of his hot wife whom I affectionately refer to as Hot Wife. Homegirl has it going on! From what I can see on Instagram, she is living the soft life, and I want in! She's always smiling and happy. Never looks stressed. Once, I saw a pic of her in a hammock. Now you know you are in your soft girl era when you are chillin' in a hammock! I want a soft life. My life is hard, and I want out! All I do is worry about money and bills and the new season of Stranger Things. I too want cool clothes and vacations and gourmet birthday cakes with fancy sparkler candles. I guess that all comes with marrying a provider. That's another thing no one told me to make sure I got: a provider. Damn it!
I Googled how to approach an existing couple about entering into a throuple, and I didn't like what I read. I in no way want to infringe on their love, but I think I'd be a good helping hand. I like to cook and fold clothes. Hot Wife would still have time to get her nails done, and in return for my hard work, Sexy Koala could take on my student loan payments and phone bill.
I was excited to see that Sexy Koala came to homecoming, but I didn't see his wife. This sucked because I'd really be making my pitch to her. I think that as a woman, she'd better understand the benefit of having a humorous, live-in maid. As smart as Sexy Koala was in school, I think the concept would go right over his head.
A part of me is bitter that it has come to this for me, but I'm 40. I can either cry about it or actively begin exploring solutions, and yes, some of them may not be traditional. Just know that when you are in a soul-squeezing rush to find healthcare and stable shelter, traditions of olden days have to fall by the wayside.
I have a message to them both that I can't send because I keep editing it. My proposal has to be perfect before I reach out. Until then, sadly, it's back to the hardness of it all. Ick.
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