I ran into Golden Boy on the yard, and by ran into, I mean I was sitting down and he walked in front of me. I never miss an opportunity to hug him because I'm a creeper, and I can feel his muscles through his shirt, and if I hug him strategically, I can rub his back and arms in one smooth swoop, a move I creatively call "The Holly". But I didn't get to Holly him this go round. He seemed to be very worried and preoccupied.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
He turned his back to me and looked out into the huge crowd. " I can't find Invisiblisha, my wife," he said, distracted, before he ran off.
I jumped when I heard Golden Boy say wife. It was weird, like hearing a baby curse. I know he has a wife, just like I know the moon is made of cheese. However, like many Drexel wives, she is a bit of an urban legend. On top of that, it is hard to believe that Golden Boy even has a wife, considering what a mimbo he used to be. He also reminded me of a Black Fonzie from Happy Days. Did The Fonz ever get married?
The only girlfriend I knew him to have in school was older than us and scary. Bossy Boots had a way of ordering people around that should be studied by the Navy Seals. After that, it was a revolving door of girls he didn't seem too attached to, and the ones he didn't bone he'd dry hump on the dance floor. Some girls have all the luck.
I remember I told him once when we were in school that I had heard a group of girls referring to him as a ho, but that I stepped in and told them that wasn't true.
"Aw, yes, it is," he'd said. He had on his Greek jacket, collar popped, and was sitting in a chair with his feet up on a table in the University Center because he was cool like that. "But it's good to know someone is standing up for me out here."
I watched as Golden Boy pushed through the crowd, looking for his wife. I mean, he was really looking for her. This made me wonder what type of woman can make a promiscuous boy turn into the type of grown man who looks like he is going to cry if he gets separated from her in a crowd.
That is where my investigation began.
THE INVESTIGATION
It is important that you understand my dedication to solving a puzzle to get the footwork it took to find info on this woman. I promise you, I asked every other person who passed me at the tailgate, "Do you know this lady?" And from this Pulitzer-worthy journalistic labor, I discovered two things: she is alive and biologically female. WHAT IS IT WITH THESE DREXEL WIVES?! Are they all farts in the wind? Sitting under the tailgate tent of people who didn't know me and were obviously wondering where I came from, I could feel Invisiblisha in the atmosphere. Breathing. Surveying. Thinking. Ovulating. I have never been married, so I think that a reason why the Invisiblisha caliber of wife confuses me is because if I did have a husband, everyone on Earth would know we were together. People would recognize me from a mile away. I am constantly confused by these Invisiblishas who let their husbands free, out into the wild to be groped by weirdos like me.
Although I couldn't tell Invisiblisha from a hole in the wall, if she's reading this, I want her to know I see her in the shadows, very much giving Carmen Sandiego vibes. Funny, I don't think anyone ever found Carmen either.
No comments:
Post a Comment