He Just Wasn't That Into Me

Winfrey does not like P. It's a sad and unfortunate fact, seeing that they are both dear friends of mine. The reasoning came up as to why recently, which reminded me of the situation between me and P in college. I had a crush on him but he did like me back. This we all know. But I thought I had reason to believe he did. Winfrey saw what I saw, and told everyone I was not nuts. They didn't believe me or her, and I was left looking and feeling desperate and stupid. 

The highlight of this time was when me and about three other friends organized a dinner we were going to invite our crushes too. I invited P and didn't hear back from him about it. The night of the dinner, the only guy to arrive was Kinfolk, invited by Haynes (they are now married). The rest of us had pretty long faces. I called P to see if he was coming and he yelled, "Stop inviting me to stuff. I don't like you like that!" before hanging up. I guess he just wasn't that in to me. I swallowed my tears in a big, hard gulp and tried to enjoy dinner. 

"Do you remember this P?" I asked him recently. 

"No, but it sounds like something I would say so it might have happened," he answered flatly. 

Honestly, I'd forgotten it too. I remember when it happened, I was pretty heart broken. I think the heart and mind work together to start the forgetting process when something sad and embarrassing enough happens. A lot of the things Winfrey recalled I hadn't thought of in years. 

Well, that was 20 years ago. I'm not 20 anymore. I'm looking forward to finding a connection with a man that my mind doesn't force me to forget about. 

Love and Middle Age 2: The Story of 😶

Just a week or so ago I had another conversation with TAFKAS, and yet again, he had a story for me. I tell you, TAFKAS is the grio of our generation! I take so much from his tales of love, loss, and distress. This go 'round, he told me the story of 😶.

I remember 😶 fondly from college. In a room full of young adult men who couldn't stop saying stupid ish, he said nothing. I mean, the boy was silent, nearly mute. As someone who over-talks, I appreciated this about him. Whenever I saw him, I'd say, "Hey 😶!", and he'd nod politely. Yet, according to TAFKAS, this was just the way he was around folks he didn't know. Around those who loved him, he was an anxiety-rising, sarcastic drunk, suffering from, you guessed it, the heartache and disappointment of love not actualized. 

Can I just say that I had no idea that men were out here brokenhearted like this! But I don't know why I am surprised. The older I get the more that I realize that we are all broken, being kept together with the strength of weak, wet, off-brand Bandaids just so we can go outside without falling to pieces. 

Anyway, back to😶 . The story of 😶 and Ife would have been a beautiful one if it would have  ever started. The two met at a summer program sponsored by our college for high school students. So by the time I arrived on the campus, they'd already been friends for two years. And I get why a guy would like Ife. She was smart but chill. She was cute but normal; very sweet and easy going. Yet for some reason unknown to anyone, he never tried to get with Ife. Over the years, this apparently has manifested into bitterness that is still present today. I mean, she is married with a family now. And here's another kicker: HE'S MARRIED TOO! He has this in common with 🍦, walking down the aisle when you are in love with someone else. I guess this is a thing, further proving my theory that by 40, you have already met the love of your life. 

What touched me about 😶's story is that, although I was not close to Ife, is that was familiar with a boy that she dated, XX. This guy was a piece of work. He was what the elders would have called "manish". He was in one of my study groups. I asked him why he was so quiet in the group once and he said he didn't know, then I turned his computer around to see that he was looking at pics of a half-naked booty model. And although he was not a bad guy, he had some annoying qualities. For one, he only wore ankle pants. I mean, come on! Can you image how 😶 must have felt, watching the woman of his dreams date a dude that wore capris and watched soft porn?! It was hard for me to watch! But again, I can connect. Every man I have ever loved ended up committing to women not as cool as me. 

Again, TAFKAS has painted a picture for me about the importance of shooting your shot. If only I would have understoond this when I had shots to shoot. 

P.S. - Where😶 now? According to Instagram, he is just out in the world working and living and being present in his family. I hope that this depiction is accurate. No good comes from being hung up on someone. Ask me...and 🍦...an everybody else..