The Douche Dynamic

My college homecoming just happened. I wasn't there and I am very sad about it. That whole weekend, I had to watch the play-by-play of all the fun events on Instagram. It sucked. But one IG story that caught my attention was that of Brandon Thomas, a guy who was a senior when I was a freshman. It was about his making amends with his college girlfriend after over 15 years of feeling guilty.
To understand the significance of this, you have to understand Brandon. He is cute and charismatic, but is best known for his outrageous social media posts about women and dating. One of my personal favorites is one where he goes in on a date because she had the audacity to order a desert on their first dinner outing. But that is only one of many posts that discuss how women are just out to get him for his money and clout and blah blah blah.
So, Brandon goes to homecoming and runs into Shanna, his girlfriend from freshman year. He was in love with her, but said he was being a "f*ck boy" and the relationship didn't work out. The very next man that Shanna got with, she married and is still married to today. He had the opportunity to talk to her, and she forgave him for whatever it was he did to end their young relationship.
As young adults, most of us didn't have instructions on how to date properly. Everything we learned was from rap songs and bad advice drunk family members gave us; movies and what our dumb friends told us. All we knew was that we should do the least possible to hurt the person we cared about, and 9 times out of 10, we ended of doing the opposite. Man, there is know hurt worse than the hurt caused by some who didn't know better; someone who had your heart and didn't know what to do with it. But what I have learned with age is that you should do right by folks not just because it is the right thing to do, but because doing bad by folks sticks in your system as well. You feel worse about the situation the older you get and the better your understanding of what a douche you were becomes.
Brandon had the taste of douche in his mouth for 15 years while the ex love of his life had moved on and married. For 15 years he wondered what if while she went on with her life. I think everyone has a Brandon chapter in their book. This whole thing made me wonder how easy dating would be if we didn't carry around regrets from past relationships. Most of us will never know. I know I won't after the Dreads situation. I guess all any of us can do is try to do better.

The Dating Game

One of my good friends is interested in dating a man that she kind of already dated. You see, they were seeing each other and it seemed to be going well until the mother of his child moved in with him. I'm not sure why, but she swore that he swore up and down that there was no funny business. She just needed a place to stay. Obviously, this put their budding relationship in the freezer. 

Now, after a few months, things are starting to pick up again for them...slowly, and my friend doesn't get it. He has said that he likes her and that he is interested in her, but he doesn't speak to her unless she initiates conversation first. This is leaving her to wonder where he stands. 

"Sadly, I don't think he is interested," I tell her. No girl enjoys having to tell their friend this, especially when she is awesome. "Think of your previous relationships. Weren't those guys intentional about showing you how they felt?"

"That's true," she said, processing the statement. 

But as you know, when there is one friend speaking truth into a friend's ear, there is another speaking nonsense. Another friend of hers advised her to just be cute and ignore him and not be so available, you know, play games. We are in our mid 30s. When do we become too old to play games?!

Even as a child, I didn't like games. I preferred sitting in the corner, eating a snack and reading a book. I didn't participate in game playing when it was age appropriate for me to. I remember watching my peers running with balls and chasing each other down. Even then, I didn't think it should be that hard to win. 

My opinion has not changed much, especially when the view to 40 from where I am sitting is clear as a bell. At this age, it is not only immature to play games, but also a COMPLETE waste of time. I suggested to my friend, who is two years older than me, that she sit down with him, tell him how she feels, see what he says, and then move on accordingly from there. If he is not interested, she will know, and can them move on to the awesome brotha that is worth her time. 

I understand that this is easier said than done. I think that we avoid being grownups when it comes to relationships because no one wants to have the hard conversations. They usually come with emotional owies that we just don't want to take on. So, instead, we do the dating version of tag, one-upping each other with disrespect and cruelty until one of us taps out or gets tired. Apparently, this is cool, even in our 30s. I hate to see what dating in our 40s is going to look like. I'm not optimistic.