Hurt Feelings

For about a week, I had a crush on a dude named Jackson that I went to college with. I thought he was cute even then, but I was a freshman and he was a senior. To say that we ran in different circles is an understatement. 

These days, Jackson is more of a computer love. I pretty much stalk him on Facebook. At almost 40, he spends his days making sexest and socially irresponsible posts, that is, when he isn't posting videos of Instagram models twerking in bathing suits. I can't say that Jackson is likable because he isn't really. Ladies you know what he is: he is that guy that you can't stand that just happens to be hot. But of late, I have felt kind of numb to the world, so having a crush felt nice. Something about liking someone makes your heart feel full. 

But all things have to come to an end. My crush was coming to a slow down just two days in when he made some ridiculous, double standarded (new word) posts about female sexuality. He is the type of guy that places unrealistic and unfair purity standards on women while he slides in DMs and most likely sleeps with anyone who will give him the time of day. I know, sexy. 

I was talking to P about his crazy posts today and P goes, "I remember this guy. I was eating lunch at his table once while we were in school and you walked into the cafe and he called you a fat bitch."

Just as he said this, it sounded like a car was crashing in my ears, and I got a weird feeling in my chest. It didn't alarm me as random chest pains often do because I remembered the feeling. I hadn't felt it in a while but it was very familiar: my feelings were hurt. 

I got off the phone and took a two hour nap so that I wouldn't cry and woke up to a text from P. He apologized for telling me. I said it was cool. I mean what can I do? Go on FB and curse Jackson out for something he said about me when I was 18? That would be silly. Yet, as old as the remark is, it still hurt my feelings. 

The Douche Dynamic

My college homecoming just happened. I wasn't there and I am very sad about it. That whole weekend, I had to watch the play-by-play of all the fun events on Instagram. It sucked. But one IG story that caught my attention was that of Brandon Thomas, a guy who was a senior when I was a freshman. It was about his making amends with his college girlfriend after over 15 years of feeling guilty.
To understand the significance of this, you have to understand Brandon. He is cute and charismatic, but is best known for his outrageous social media posts about women and dating. One of my personal favorites is one where he goes in on a date because she had the audacity to order a desert on their first dinner outing. But that is only one of many posts that discuss how women are just out to get him for his money and clout and blah blah blah.
So, Brandon goes to homecoming and runs into Shanna, his girlfriend from freshman year. He was in love with her, but said he was being a "f*ck boy" and the relationship didn't work out. The very next man that Shanna got with, she married and is still married to today. He had the opportunity to talk to her, and she forgave him for whatever it was he did to end their young relationship.
As young adults, most of us didn't have instructions on how to date properly. Everything we learned was from rap songs and bad advice drunk family members gave us; movies and what our dumb friends told us. All we knew was that we should do the least possible to hurt the person we cared about, and 9 times out of 10, we ended of doing the opposite. Man, there is know hurt worse than the hurt caused by some who didn't know better; someone who had your heart and didn't know what to do with it. But what I have learned with age is that you should do right by folks not just because it is the right thing to do, but because doing bad by folks sticks in your system as well. You feel worse about the situation the older you get and the better your understanding of what a douche you were becomes.
Brandon had the taste of douche in his mouth for 15 years while the ex love of his life had moved on and married. For 15 years he wondered what if while she went on with her life. I think everyone has a Brandon chapter in their book. This whole thing made me wonder how easy dating would be if we didn't carry around regrets from past relationships. Most of us will never know. I know I won't after the Dreads situation. I guess all any of us can do is try to do better.

The Dating Game

One of my good friends is interested in dating a man that she kind of already dated. You see, they were seeing each other and it seemed to be going well until the mother of his child moved in with him. I'm not sure why, but she swore that he swore up and down that there was no funny business. She just needed a place to stay. Obviously, this put their budding relationship in the freezer. 

Now, after a few months, things are starting to pick up again for them...slowly, and my friend doesn't get it. He has said that he likes her and that he is interested in her, but he doesn't speak to her unless she initiates conversation first. This is leaving her to wonder where he stands. 

"Sadly, I don't think he is interested," I tell her. No girl enjoys having to tell their friend this, especially when she is awesome. "Think of your previous relationships. Weren't those guys intentional about showing you how they felt?"

"That's true," she said, processing the statement. 

But as you know, when there is one friend speaking truth into a friend's ear, there is another speaking nonsense. Another friend of hers advised her to just be cute and ignore him and not be so available, you know, play games. We are in our mid 30s. When do we become too old to play games?!

Even as a child, I didn't like games. I preferred sitting in the corner, eating a snack and reading a book. I didn't participate in game playing when it was age appropriate for me to. I remember watching my peers running with balls and chasing each other down. Even then, I didn't think it should be that hard to win. 

My opinion has not changed much, especially when the view to 40 from where I am sitting is clear as a bell. At this age, it is not only immature to play games, but also a COMPLETE waste of time. I suggested to my friend, who is two years older than me, that she sit down with him, tell him how she feels, see what he says, and then move on accordingly from there. If he is not interested, she will know, and can them move on to the awesome brotha that is worth her time. 

I understand that this is easier said than done. I think that we avoid being grownups when it comes to relationships because no one wants to have the hard conversations. They usually come with emotional owies that we just don't want to take on. So, instead, we do the dating version of tag, one-upping each other with disrespect and cruelty until one of us taps out or gets tired. Apparently, this is cool, even in our 30s. I hate to see what dating in our 40s is going to look like. I'm not optimistic. 

Unrequited Imaginary Love

Franklin is a young man in my writer's group. He is about 10 years younger than me. That should be the end of the story. But, and this is all my fault, I was overly nice to him a couple of meetings ago. Now he thinks I like him. His whole attitude towards me has changed. He now gives me stiff side hugs, calls me ma'am, and avoids me during the after-meeting refreshments. Feel free to roll your eyes. 

At first, I thought that this was funny, seeing that I am not interested in him.  I thought that everyone in the group knew that I have a huge, embarrassing crush on Ryan, the silver fox that cuts his convos with me short after group to get to the last of the Oreos before Pregnant Patty gets herself out of her seat to ambush the cookies. Now I am a little offended. 

This is not the first time that a guy has thought that I had a crush on him and decided to send me signals that he was not interested as to not hurt my feelings. These signals include but are not limited to: only talking to me in a group, switching from hugs to handshakes, repeatedly letting me know that he has a girlfriend, or even ignoring me altogether. Many times I was not interested in these guys. And it has always been amazing, and hurtful, to see the lengths that these guys would go to let it be known that they are not interested just in case. 

Okay, so I am fat, unemployed, and living with my aunt with a credit score that is in the toilet. I am also hilarious and have a great head of hair! Does that count for nothing these days?

A part of me doesn't want to go back to writer's group, wanting to avoid the scene that is inevitably going to come from this. Another part of me wants to kick Franklin in his balls and tell him to get over himself. I will let you know which way I decide to go. 

The Inception Effect

I know that this is going to seem weird, but I feel like my dreams have been more vivid ever since I saw Inception. Unfortunately, they have been about he who shall not be named.
As I informed you recently, Facebook informed me that he is now in a relationship. So last night I dreamed, clear as day, that he sent me a text telling me that he was, in fact, in a relationship with some girl and was sad that he couldn't talk to me about it- that he missed me as a friend and blah, blah, blah.
I woke up feeling good for a split second before I realized that it was all a dream. I looked through my texts. No message. Not that he could send me one anyway. I put his number on my reject list, yet I can't think of anyone else that I am more eager to hear from.
Can I just say that I am so embarrassed that my thinking and my emotions and my life and my everything is being so affected by not only a boy I was never in a relationship with, but by a boy that so clearly and evidently doesn't give a shit!
I remember being half as broken up as I am now my freshman year of high school when my gay boyfriend came out of the closet and dropped me. Although traumatic, I can laugh at it now. I wish I could go back to 1999 and ask that Holly, the Holly that had cornrows and listened to Korn, how I got over it. Maybe I am just too far gone, but I can't envision me laughing about P. But on the bright side, at least he is still my friend in my dreams.

Heart Skip

I was checking my email and saw that P was available on my Yahoo chat and it made my heart skip a beat. I miss him. I was thinking about him just yesterday, and not about what a MAJOR asshole he is, but about how he is doing. What he is doing. So afraid that I may chat him and not ready to deal with a new wave of sadness when he didn't' chat me back or chatted me something rude, I decided to blog about it. Smiles, what would I do without this outlet? The old question: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? The new question: how long does it take you to get over someone that was never into you? Hopefully, there is some sweet treat on a stick at the end of my rainbow when I come to the answer.

Embarrassed

P said some out of line shizzle to me not too long ago. I would tell you what he said, but I would be too ashamed, frankly.
Any way, I called him and talked to him about it yesterday after not talking to him for two weeks, and he told me that what he said was meant to be "light-hearted" and "if I took offense to it then that was just me."
I was numb. I didn't say anything...but this: "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me for letting you get so comfortable with disrespecting me. If you ever say something to me like that again, we will not be cool, we will not be friends."
His response, "I don't respond to ultimatums."
Oh, so it's an ultimatum to show me some respect?!
After a friend called him and called him on it, he sent me a text, apologizing right before he brought up some off-hand example of me offending him. I personally don't believe that because I don't believe he can be offended.
The moral of the story: I am so embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I am hurt by the words of a man that doesn't give a shit, clearly. I am embarrassed that I am his friend after 19 years of watching my mother get disrespected. I am embarrassed that I am trying to justify his out-of-line words after seeing my friends and the women around me get disrespected. I am embarrassed that after 25 years of being stern on not disrespecting myself, I did so by letting him do it for me. I am embarrassed that I am even taking time to vent about this while he is probably going along with his day, not concerned.
Am I hurt? Yes. Hurt and confused. I don't get how I am thrown cruelty daily be strangers but somehow, his words always shatter the glass.
Brownie said let it burn and my girl said his friendship to me is poisonous. All I can say is, either way, I don't want to be my mom. Period.