The Rant

At about 3am this morning, I had a bit of a health issue, and I reached out to three of my friends. Two of them, I presume, were asleep. Risky Business was not. Of course she was not. She is my middle-of-the-night phone friend. However, she was busy, I guess, and said she couldn't talk but could text, and I found myself enraged! Not just with her, but with my overall, played-out, Saved By The Bell, Girl Scouty definition of friendship. Here is the short and tall of it- I am single and alone in my tears and my fears, and that is what it is, and it sucks, but here we are. There are other people I could call, I guess, but many of them sleep with their phones off, which is beautiful. I'm glad that somebody is out here getting their Zs because I am not. I don't think I have ever been unavailable to anyone that I love, ever! I mean, my phone is turned off now because what else can you do when you realize the lack of general f*&ks that are given about you? But for the past however many decades I have had a personal cell phone, I have woken up out of my sleep for a friend in need. When I think of all the time I have invested in friends on the phone for hours, talking them through breakups, heartaches, divorces, work drama, anger, and all types of stuff, only to be met with boundaries and voicemails and middle fingers in return, it makes me want to scream! I have asked this question over the years, but perhaps it is due time for me to ask this question one mo' 'gin: IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO BE A F&CKING PRIORITY TO SOMEONE, ANYONE IN MY LIFE?! The fact that I am typing this up and not crying to one of the homies tells us all we need to know, in my opinion. I cried for about an hour, and I will undoubtedly cry some more later, but my eyes are dry at the moment, and the situation is clear as day. I can feel a hard, armadillo-esque shell forming over me, and it's going to need to get harder if things are about to shake the way that I think they are.