He Just Wasn't That Into Me

Winfrey does not like P. It's a sad and unfortunate fact, seeing that they are both dear friends of mine. The reasoning came up as to why recently, which reminded me of the situation between me and P in college. I had a crush on him but he did like me back. This we all know. But I thought I had reason to believe he did. Winfrey saw what I saw, and told everyone I was not nuts. They didn't believe me or her, and I was left looking and feeling desperate and stupid. 

The highlight of this time was when me and about three other friends organized a dinner we were going to invite our crushes too. I invited P and didn't hear back from him about it. The night of the dinner, the only guy to arrive was Kinfolk, invited by Haynes (they are now married). The rest of us had pretty long faces. I called P to see if he was coming and he yelled, "Stop inviting me to stuff. I don't like you like that!" before hanging up. I guess he just wasn't that in to me. I swallowed my tears in a big, hard gulp and tried to enjoy dinner. 

"Do you remember this P?" I asked him recently. 

"No, but it sounds like something I would say so it might have happened," he answered flatly. 

Honestly, I'd forgotten it too. I remember when it happened, I was pretty heart broken. I think the heart and mind work together to start the forgetting process when something sad and embarrassing enough happens. A lot of the things Winfrey recalled I hadn't thought of in years. 

Well, that was 20 years ago. I'm not 20 anymore. I'm looking forward to finding a connection with a man that my mind doesn't force me to forget about. 

The Homies

So this happened this weekend: I got to see Kinfolk and Haynes. Every time I hang with them, I get so excited like something amazing is about to happen, if we just sit and chill. There is something to be said for a married couple that doesn't get on your nerves:)

Words From Haynes

Since my grandma has Alzheimer's and this past month has been really trying, I had to call the next best next thing...my bestest homie Haynes. She has an old spirit and a way of making things seem like they aren't so bad.
So I told her everything, and her primary piece of advice was to not think of anything that is going on in my life right now as permanent; that I can get out of my situation. This was good to hear, seeing that for the past three years I have been in a rut. Well, a cross between a rut and quicksand. So, seeing that I am now living on my own with little to no money, I have to try to grudge the bottom of my gut to find the drive I had when I first graduated to either find an additional good job or go to grad school. Thinking about it makes me want to crawl under the bed and cry, but seeing myself as 30 in this same stink makes me want to die. I guess you have to choose the lesser of the two evils.

One foot in the grave, one foot at the alter

Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to be like my Aunt V.
She was never married and has a fulfilling job in education. She can come and go when she pleases. She can spend what she wants, which includes sending her nieces and nephews Christmas checks. In her 50s, Aunt V is definitely Ne-Yo's independent woman. Somehow, the strict cookie cutter mold of what a woman should be from her generation, a housewife or a secretary until she married, gave my Aunt V room to be what she wanted. I wonder if she has noticed how society has gone back in time.
My last beauless friend Bells now has a boyfriend. Every other woman I know might as well be engaged. This would not scare me if I wasn't only 24 years-old! It's like my generation is playing this game of checkers, and I'm the only little round, black piece that has not been kinged. All I can see is all the other paired up pieces laughing at me from either side of the board.
I even have friends who are dating guys who are losers or who have girlfriends that are only messing around with them because they can. Beautiful, strong girls who dream of being doctors and lawyers, but wouldn't dream of being alone.
My good friend Haynes has even gone out of her way to try to set me up with some guy that she found someplace. Who knows. Does it even matter anymore? People these days find "love" on Craigslist.
This is sad to me, but you have to remember who I am. I played with Barbies minus a Ken. It was Barbie, Skipper, my Cabbage Patch and Glow Worm, having Sex and the City-esque lunches where they discussed their individual divorce settlements on our old living room coffee table.
Another thing that saddens me is that the world has made a scary decision for its occupants with vaginas: you are either an Aunt V. or the 40-year-old woman at the teeny bopper club with the hair weave down to her ankles who thinks she looks good for her age.
I think I will stay on the Aunt V. side.