HoustonLanaVegas

It's almost midnight. I've been asleep all day so I am awake. I have energy for once. I want to go dancing. When I was in my 20s, I used to go dancing. I also want someone to come scoop me so we can go drive around downtown. We used to call this parking lot pimping. Once, Tasia and I aimlessly drove around downtown in her Volkswagen Beetle with the sunroof down. She turned on "HoustonLanaVegas" by Drake. I looked up at the stars with my arms up. I was so optimistic about life. I couldn't wait to see what I was going to become, who I was going to be. I want to dance. I want to drive around downtown while listening to Drake. I have no dance partner. Tasia is now married with two kids. In the other lifetime, I hope old Holly is dancing or cruising. How dope would that be? 

Homecoming

So this year marks 15 years since my college graduation and I have decided to go to my homecoming, as I did for my 10-year anniversary. On the one hand, I am excited. Excited to see old friends, excited to see New Orleans, excited to go on a trip. On the other hand, the very idea of seeing my peers makes me want to hurl. I'm not ashamed to admit that I am obsessed with my old college peers. I follow them on social media and take in their lives like junk food. Me on Instagram on any given day is the equivalent of eating 22 Big Macs back-to-back, inhaling without chewing images of weddings, gender reveals, promotions, home and car purchases, partying, traveling, etc. Sure, I understand that social media is simply an endless stream of someone's best moments. No one is posting images of eviction notices, being served divorce papers, or being diagnosed with a disease. However, I can't help but feel behind. I am 2.5 years short of 40 and single. The only thing I own outright is my debt. I am just now getting a MA degree. Once I receive it I will finally get to live at some standard of living...in middle age. A part of me wants to attend in a disguise but I have been told that my voice, figure, walk, laugh, and general energy is very identifiable. Everyone will know I am me, in a mask and black hoodie, trying to tiptoe through the crowd. I have seen the advertisements for the club parties that will be taking place. Honestly, the very idea of going to a club and standing for hours while watching people twerk makes me want to go lay down someplace. I'm hoping that my anxiety melts away the moment I get some gumbo in me and hug someone I haven't seen in years. If it doesn't, I can always post up in my Air B&B, watching my friends enjoy homecoming live through their Instastories. We'll call that a seclusion and chill. 

Socialite Anxiety

Once upon a time, Holly was a we bit of a socialite.
I was that girl that you would see shivering outside of the club in a sleeveless dress with no coat because she just had to go to the party and be cute, even though it was cold and windy.
When I first started blogging I would go to the opening of an envelope if there was going to be a VIP pass and food involved.
I enjoyed dancing and mingling. Many a night I came home hoarse from trying to speak over the loudspeakers at an event. There was just something cool to me about waking up with a club stamp still on my wrist.
On NYE as I got my wallflower on at a NYE party, going through my phone while everyone socialized, I realized that I may not be that girl anymore. These days, I have taken a liking to watching reruns of The Golden Girls on Youtube while giving myself a pedicure. Although it was good seeing everyone, I just felt tired and like being a loner. Dare I say, the energy I once had to be a social butterfly  has dwindled significantly. Having to hang out with about 50 people in a space makes me want to lie down and take a nap.
I can not tell you if this is a sign of depression or of getting older. But at this really fun NYE party, I came into the door ready to go. And it was so much fun! What wasn't fun was me. I felt uncomfortable and out of place, which has never been me socially, ever!
I hate to use the word anxiety because everyone uses it loosely, throwing it around like a frisbee. But that is how I felt at the party: anxious. As soon as I walked in, I just felt in the way, and noticed immediately that everyone looked better than me and was just generally better than me. Can you keep a secret? At one point during the night, I snuck into the room where they were keeping the coats and laid down, and by the time the new year came in, I was already walking to my Uber.
I don't want to lose the fun me. I like fun me. She's...fun! But she was not in the building on NYE and I am afraid she may leave the building for good if I don't do something. But I don't know what do. I will keep you posted on either my progression of regression.

Crustville

It's always interesting talking to my friend Alex because we are so different. She lives life outside of the box, and I live life so inside of the box that I am beginning to develop agoraphobia. This was somewhat the theme of our conversation today.
"I turn 34 this year, and I am not sure what to do for my birthday," I explained to her. "Last year I had a tea tasting, and the year before that, I had a movie night."
"Boring!" she exclaimed. "Teas and movie nights are not the way you celebrate getting older."
"I guess I could do something a little more fun," I whimpered into the phone. "I don't want to be old and crusty."
"Girl, you are on your way to Crustville, no stops!" she yelled in my ear.
It's always a little sad when people are hip to something about yourself that you thought that you were hiding. I noticed at my homecoming last year that I'm not as fun as I used to be in my 20s. But in my 20s, I was happy and optimistic, eager to see what life had to offer. Now I know what life has to offer: dead parents, debt, evictions, low credit scores, bad dates, and depression. Nothing about any of these things makes me want to put on a slinky dress and stand outside the club in a line, waiting to stand for another four hours in the middle of a crowded dance floor while drunk dudes bump into me.
"You need to live a little," Alex advised.
I've lived a little. Then life happened, now I'm living la vida in silence. Yes, I am for having a good time, but unlike 20s me, I have no interest in frazzle and minimal interest in dazzle.
"You are right." She was right. She is a good friend, and I am really taking what she said under advisement. If this year has taught me anything, it is that life is short. So, in regards to my birthday, do you think that Groupon has competitive rates on group knitting classes? I have always wanted to learn.

Last Saturday

Last Saturday I woke up in the worst mood ever. I was hella sad and felt really, really rejected. It was one of those days where you call everyone you know and no one wants to talk. And I realized by 10 am that if I didn't get up and leave my apartment, I was just going to cry all day and watch Netflix and I didn't want that to be an option. So I got dressed up really cute and left my house.
I live in a very small community, and that Saturday was its founder's day. There was food and entertainment and healthy screenings and clowns. I did a walk through just to see what it was all about. Those types of things aren't really my scene, but I did pick up on a lot of positive energy from the crowd.
From there, I got on the train to go to Atlantic Station. A 22-year-old boy said I was cute, had the day off, and wanted to come with me. So we had a picnic on the grass and talked. It was really nice. He was really nice. And the day was amazing! The sun was out and I got to watch kids do back flips and play on the grass. It was really nice, all of it. And not to over use the word, but nice in the best way possible.
After he left, like just as he was leaving, I ran into Renee, a girl I know from her previous work at a local magazine. We talked about everything, from summer dresses to her run in with Mizz Twerk Sum, one half of the Twerk Team. I was in awe. You know I LOVE the Twerk Team!
On the way home, I thought about how quickly things can change if you put forth the effort. Just a few hours earlier I'd been crying and feeling horrible. Fran said she was impressed with my ability to need community and seek it our affectively. Oh Fran.

Taco Mac Talk

Yesterday I took the train north to hang with my homies Dev and Latasia. I had not seen Dev in so long. We went to Taco Mac and I got the appetizer nachos that were HUGE, but forgot to ask for no jalapenos. I feel like they had to have put a hundred on there. I spent most of my meal pealing them out of the cheese.
It was a nice, light, carefree day with carefree convo which reminded me I am young, a well-needed reminder. We talk abo t young woman stuff like magazines and boys. Good times. There is talk of plans for a slumber party in the works. I am always down for a sleepover!