Friending With A Boyfriend Vanisher

One of my good friends is a Boyfriend Vanisher, not that she makes boyfriends vanish, but that she vanishes once she gets one. It has been a minute since she's had a serious boyfriend, so I'd forgotten she was a vanisher. However, at 40, I am here to announce that she is just as much one as she was when she was 18 when I met her. 

I'm happy that she is coupled, but sad that she is still participating in her vanishing ways. As a serial single person who never had a boyfriend, I just assumed that being coupled was so consuming that you had no choice but to become distant. So, imagine my surprise when I started talking to guys and magically still had time and energy for the people I love; still had interests and other things to talk about. 

Calls from her these days are few and far between and quick. I answer the phone, she asks how I'm doing, I say fine, whether I am or not, then she proceeds to vomit info about her and her guy. She is in love, so I sit and listen and try to be supportive, but sometimes I just want to yell, "There are other things going on!" Other things with her and me and the world. However, the world has gone down, and I'm a bummer. I guess becoming obsessed with her relationship is the best bet.  

I hope that she and her guy stand the test of time, not just because she cares for him, but also because her breakups are worse than her relationships. Once she gets dumped or vice versa, I become a one-person jury member, staying on the phone for hours, helping her go over every point of their time together. It's exhausting and overwhelming, but hey, what won't one do for a friend? Other than inquire more about her day before going into a diuretic spiel about her relationship? 

I wanted to call her recently and discuss some pop culture stuff, but I'm mortified that she will jump into "She and He: the Mini Series". Yikes. I guess her consistent babbling about her and her man is making me vanish. 

Falling During The Fallout

A long time ago, I read this article about a doctoral student who had the opportunity to provide therapy to migrant women from another country who were granted entry into the United States after living for God knows how long in a refugee camp. She was stoked and eager to provide the women with tools to deal with what she was sure would be intense feelings of loss, hopelessness, fear, and even outright anger and exhaustion. To her surprise, all a lot of the women wanted to talk about were their boyfriends in the camp and the dramas they were dealing with. These women had been forced from their homes and saw incredible violence and hunger, but they wanted to know what she thought about their guys breaking up with them or moving to another country outside of the US. What did she think about long-distance relationships? In her opinion, did they have a chance of working? Needless to say, she was not prepared for the women needing this type of support. 

I thought about this the other day when I was talking to my new friend Pix. I met him online, we aren't compatible, and we are becoming friends. He called me excited to let me know that he has essentially met his dream girl. Their values align, she is super nice, and their conversation is smooth like butter. They are going out on a date, and he is super ecstatic. 

One of my college homeboys is stuck between two women. They are both cool and pretty, but they both speak to different sides of his personality. In all honesty, he does like one a little more than the other, but the one he likes the most isn't the best candidate for marriage which, in middle age, he has finally decided to get serious about. 

Then there is me. I had a guy that I was interested in for a second there, but after a hurtful text message exchange, I'm pretty sure we are through. P has warned me that when things like this happen, guys vanish for a while and come back later when they figure you have forgotten about what happened. So, he may circle the block, but I don't think that I can forget some of the stuff he said in those messages, especially since they are still in my phone and seared on my brain. I find myself thinking a lot about him and the general probability that I will never find anyone. 

All this is happening while the sky is falling outside. So much is going on that it is hard to keep up with the news. One minute, people are talking about what to do if their healthcare is cut. Another minute, people are posting on Instagram about what to pack in your nuclear fallout backpack. There is an old saying that love conquers all. When we should be trying to figure out what to do as the world ends, we are editing our dating profiles and trying to figure out the quickest less painful way to become partnered. So yeah, love may conquer all, but what I am learning is what that doctoral student learned when helping the refugee women: love supercedes all when it comes to importance. Right now, I should be doing countless things to ensure me and my family's survival, but I am sitting here thinking about going back on a dating app. Maybe I will refresh my profile; make myself sound funner 😒, and post some new pictures where it doesn't look like I have six chins. It seems like love and its pursuit are the default setting, even in extremes. Because, as you hustle through the theoretical refugee camp that is life or prepare for global annihilation, you want someone who thinks you are cute next to you holding your hand.

Brian and the Dawn of the Boy-Girl

I went to school with a boy named Brian that is relentlessly belly aching all over my Facebook feed. He just won't quit! Everyday he is going off about how the women in L.A. are fake and boring and opportunists; that they only want material things from a man and nothing real. I have to admit that these posts are entertaining to me seeing that, in college, he was the renowned author of a list that highlighted the "hottest" girls in school. The girls, of course, all had relaxers and light skin and HUGE butts.
I guess this is why I was so shocked that a man that was previously so artificial himself was now complaining about there being a lack of substance in the dating world. The angry Black woman in me wants to tell him that he would have found a girl of substance in school if he hadn't been humiliating them with those dumb lists. But, as a fellow person in the world out here trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents when it comes to love, I just want to pat him on the back and welcome him to the party.
Here is something you should know about Brian: he is hot. Not super duper hot but a step above basic hot. If he was on his own list, he would be a number six out of ten. The moral of that tidbit is this: he is hot enough to get a quality girlfriend. He is literally tall, dark, and handsome! I was thinking about this the other day as I was painting my toe nails. Then it dawned on me: boys are girls too!
All this time I just assumed that men my age were just out here surfing for sex and hearts to break; looking for a good time with no strings attached. But Brian's posts clearly show that he wants strings...BAD. If he is a cookie cutter example of at least ten percent of men in their 30s than this is good news! All this time, the picture depicted led us to believe that women were looking for love while men were looking for lovin'. If Brian's latest status is any indication, men are looking for love too! We are all looking for the same thing! We should let each other know so we all aren't out here making asses of ourselves, trying to be what we thought the other wanted.
Admittedly, this may take some time. Until then, we have Brian's status updates to keep us entertained.

Going Gay: A new energy plan

Because of our current oil crisis, many Americans are stocking up on eco-friendly light bulbs and cooling systems to help our environment. Others are taking the bus and recycling grocery bags. But my close girlfriends are a step ahead of the curve as usual: they are going gay instead of going green.
That's right everybody! Going gay saves a gal these days more energy than clean coal production.
Many of my friends who have just recently turned their backs on men can only talk about how happy they are. How fun it is. How differently it is living without a guy draining you by lathering you with his consistent lies and nonsense. No longer are they plagued with tear-stained pillows and suspicions that their beaus are cheating. Most of them don't know why they didn't think of switching teams earlier. They just no longer have the energy to deal with dudes.
I guess some people could view this as a major problem, especially here in Atlanta, where there are so many lezzies that my mother has commented that she thinks that there is something in the water. But I don't care. My generation shot sexuality lines to hell like ten years ago.
My theory stems from the claims of my newly turned friends. But I know from my OGs (Original Gays) that maintaining a same-sex relationship, as with any relationship worth keeping, is hard. Add on the disgusted looks from people when you go out on dates and the parental disapproval and its damn near impossible.
Either way, I think that we need to look at men today. What is going on with them that so many women rather date a woman than deal with a man? I can not stress how common this is becoming. My friend Cali left her fiance to be with a woman because she has gotten so fed up.
I guess as with other trends, I will sit back and watch how all this plays out. As for myself, I think I will just make like the rest of the US and try to run my home on solar energy.