Equally Backed

You know, the new term for a fat person is a "big-back". How offensive is that? Recently, I saw an Instagram reel where a plus-size influencer was talking about how dating is much harder for big-backed women because being a big-back shows that you don't care about yourself, so men don't have to really care about you in a relationship. Disrespect is to be expected. This theory has been run across me by friends and foes alike over the years, and after my experiences trying to date by using a dating app for plus-size people ( I will share more about that later), I can say that this theory is true. Life has also shown me as much. 

However, as I am now officially middle-aged, as are many of my single friends, many of the tiny-backed women in my life are sharing their experiences with men that sound like they are of the big-backed variety. I mean, one can say that a man is going to treat you however he is going to treat you, regardless of your "back", but as a young woman, I saw the noticeable difference. I remember this one incident in high school where I got off the bus with my tiny-backed buddy Teri. Our mutual friend Bryan held the door open for her to walk into the school and then let it slam in my face. Of course, there was my friend 💋in college who was tiny-backed and gorgeous. I personally witnessed men cross both crowded rooms and oncoming traffic to get to her, while guys actively worked hard to ignore me. This was no easy task, seeing that I am almost six feet and weigh A LOT. 

Like I said, I have seen men treat thinner women better. That it what it is. Yet, at 40, it seems like having a tiny back is no longer shielding women, many of whom would be considered "high value women" from the big-back treatment. Now they are on podcasts and writing thought pieces like this is some new thing. It's enough to wonder where this shift is coming from. Could it be that being single past a certain age, especially after your 30s, is making thin women and plus-size women "equally- backed"? If so, I feel sorry for thin, middle-aged women. It can't be easy going from diamonds to doo-doo. 

I hate to admit this, but I have been listening to some of those brotard podcasters. Not their whole shows, just the clips that come across my social media feeds. They are just oozing with anger and sexism, and I seriously wonder of many of these men actually like women. During their tirades, I notice that they put this huge value on being single and young and make single older women sound like scum-of-the-earth sad sacks. I'm sure you are familiar with the cat lady comments that were prevalent earlier this year. To them, the only place for an older woman with any kind of baggage is next to the garbage bins. 

Yes, I think ageism has finally made thin and plus-size women equally-backed. This sucks, because while many older women see wisdom in age, many men just see an okay body with a tombstone as a head. It also sucks because at a time when women should be relaxing and enjoying life, they are put in yet another situation where they have to compete against each other. But we aren't in our 20s anymore. Many of us are choosing to forgo the dating Olympics, especially since the trophy is a gross guy that thinks you should think he is the prize because you are older. So many women are opting out of that game, and I couldn't be prouder of them. Yet, slim, trim, or otherwise, women of all sizes yearn for someone to love no matter what the climate is. So, I also stand with those love-lookers who are willing to stay in the race. You go girl! Go full in, I've got your back. 

Worth The Weight

When I was but a young fatty in middle and high school, music videos on BET and MTV were everything to me. This was back when the show Rap City stayed on for like five hours, and when Carson Daly was the man. Like many of the horny young boys I went to school with, my favorite part of the music videos was the women. If only I could be as sexy as the women in the DMX feat. Sisqo video for "What You Really Want"; if only I looked like the three Kims, Latoya and Tina. I can't think about how much time I wasted fantasizing about getting so small that I could show up at school in a jean FUBU short set. This I think about as I choke down the yogurt and tuna in my meal-prepped breakfast and lunch. 

I love you so I can't lie to you: meal-prepping has sucked butt cheeks. By my third week of doing it, I had stopped eating breakfast and lunch altogether. That's right, I got to a point where I would rather starve than eat the carrots and salad that I had prepared for myself. Eating these joyless meals was actually making me emotional and depressed. I mean, how many blueberries can one person eat?!

Last Saturday when I went to volunteer, I overhead the 20-something volunteers talking about what they were doing to manage their weight. And I say manage because if either one of these three girls lost so much as a pound, they would die. I interrupted the conversation when I heard one of them talking about putting some type of thick weightloss powder into their water. I just had to know how they are able to stay so small. They talked about not eating until they were full, not snacking, drinking meal replacements, exercise, all of which sound horrible to me. They talked about being hungry but deciding to eat what was best while still trying not to allow dieting to ruin their lives. 

Looking at these three beautiful young women, I realized that they had to be keeping something from me. How could they be content drinking Slim Fast shakes while everyone else had pancakes? Later in the week, it came to me: the one thing that keeps them small, more than the fad diets and cleanses, is the fear of getting fat! But I am already fat, so where does that leave me? I guess the fear of dying would be a motivator if I didn't already feel dead eating this nasty food. 

Somewhere along the line, they also got comfortable with being hungry and even not eating for long periods of time. This is something that happens young, for I remember watching those Lifetime movies about White girls with eating disorders and vowing to starve. I was typically binge-eating cookies before the next movie came on. 

I think I would be okay with dieting if anyone had been honest with me about how sad it would make me. Since I can't swallow my emotions with food, all I do is sit around and mope, thinking about hurtful things that have happened to me that Cheetos helped me to forget. So, I'm laying here feeling everything, wishing I had a piece of cake. IT'S A PARTY! 

Unlike the other diets I have tried, I am going to try to stick with this one. My doctor says that my goal should be losing enough weight to lower my blood pressure and cholesterol. My goals is to lose enough weight to bone whatever single/divorced African Alpha is available at my college homecoming. Whichever comes first I guess. 

Full disclosure: I had a piece of fried chicken for breakfast this morning because I didn't do my prepping yesterday. Rookie mistake. I'm really trying guys.