During my Planned Parenthood Breasts Exam, I asked the nurse if there is anything I can do for my saggy boobs.
She said, "Nope. You just have Pendulous Breasts."
"Oh."
I had no idea what she was talking about. Then on the train ride home it hit me: pendulous like pendulum, the hanging, long thing on an old clock?
Sigh. Instant depression.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Text Perplexed
I met a guy the other day and he seemed nice and very interested in me. He parked his car to run after me while I was walking down the street. He was cute and tall and dark and employed and, I'm just guessing here, but I think he may have loved the Lord.
So he gives me his number and we text. Boring texts. My girlfriends entertain me with stories about their long, engaging text romances. Mine never go anywhere. At this point, Sickles, which is what I have nicknamed this man, is unresponsive. This saddens me. I wanted a date to go see Admission.
I am not quite sure what I am doing wrong. I mean, should I just open up with a photo of my breasts?
Will that give the convo some amo? I mean, how many ways can you ask a person how they are doing and how their day went?
My text results are either crash and burn or when can we get naked, neither outcome I appreciate.
Old guy keeps texting me the same text over and over again: "When can we make love?"
Ewwww! You have to be in love to make love pal. Am I the only one who learned that in Sunday School? Get off my phone with this crazy! I know I started it by asking him to make out with me, but still.
I just texted Sickles. "His was your day?"
Ugh autocorrect and my fat fingers! This is why I couldn't play the violin in middle school and was stuck with the 100lbs base that I had to walk to school because it wouldn't fit on the school bus.
If anyone has a solution to my vexing texting problems, text me.
So he gives me his number and we text. Boring texts. My girlfriends entertain me with stories about their long, engaging text romances. Mine never go anywhere. At this point, Sickles, which is what I have nicknamed this man, is unresponsive. This saddens me. I wanted a date to go see Admission.
I am not quite sure what I am doing wrong. I mean, should I just open up with a photo of my breasts?
Will that give the convo some amo? I mean, how many ways can you ask a person how they are doing and how their day went?
My text results are either crash and burn or when can we get naked, neither outcome I appreciate.
Old guy keeps texting me the same text over and over again: "When can we make love?"
Ewwww! You have to be in love to make love pal. Am I the only one who learned that in Sunday School? Get off my phone with this crazy! I know I started it by asking him to make out with me, but still.
I just texted Sickles. "His was your day?"
Ugh autocorrect and my fat fingers! This is why I couldn't play the violin in middle school and was stuck with the 100lbs base that I had to walk to school because it wouldn't fit on the school bus.
If anyone has a solution to my vexing texting problems, text me.
The Crying Black Boy Post
The other day I was at the bus stop, waiting on the bus to go to the store. I was sitting next to a Black woman and her 4-year-old son. He was being scolded. Apparently, he lost his scull cap in daycare. You know, the little knit winter caps that come 100 for a dollar at Wal-Mart?
Man, this mother ripped this kid a new one. It was painful to witness but I was flat out staring. She was going in on this kid and he was crying and embarrassed. She was humiliating him and knew it over a cap that cost a buck! I wanted to pick him up and run down the street screaming!
"This is the fifth damn hat you've lost! What do you be doing with them? Once you take it off, put it in your bookbag!"
Sure, what she was saying doesn't sound that bad, but it was the delivery guys.
"I'm going to tell your daddy you lost another one!"
"No! He's gonna hit me!" the little boy cried.
Yikes. I almost started crying. The little boy started pleading with her not to tell like he was pleading for his life! He was so happy to see the bus coming that I thought that he was going to jump in front of it!
I have been thinking about that boy for days. I felt like I knew him, and I am realizing now that I do. He is going to grow up to be the guy I see everyday that only blasts offensive 2 Chainz songs when Black women are in earshot. He is the guy in college that I couldn't stand that decided to go to an HBCU even though he CLEARLY hated Black women.
I don't have kids. I don't know if I want any for sure, but I have always fanticized about having a son. Dear God, if you do bless me with a son, please, first off, give me the wisdom not to name his something stupid. Also, let me be gentle and caring and let him feel wanted so he doesn't become either a wimpy or unproductive Black male with sagging pants and a Wiz Khalifa inspired hair do. Don't let me be that lady on the bus that picks her baby up out of the stroller by his armpit and please, let me be nurturing. Don't let me be the skull cap curse out mom. Amen.
Man, this mother ripped this kid a new one. It was painful to witness but I was flat out staring. She was going in on this kid and he was crying and embarrassed. She was humiliating him and knew it over a cap that cost a buck! I wanted to pick him up and run down the street screaming!
"This is the fifth damn hat you've lost! What do you be doing with them? Once you take it off, put it in your bookbag!"
Sure, what she was saying doesn't sound that bad, but it was the delivery guys.
"I'm going to tell your daddy you lost another one!"
"No! He's gonna hit me!" the little boy cried.
Yikes. I almost started crying. The little boy started pleading with her not to tell like he was pleading for his life! He was so happy to see the bus coming that I thought that he was going to jump in front of it!
I have been thinking about that boy for days. I felt like I knew him, and I am realizing now that I do. He is going to grow up to be the guy I see everyday that only blasts offensive 2 Chainz songs when Black women are in earshot. He is the guy in college that I couldn't stand that decided to go to an HBCU even though he CLEARLY hated Black women.
I don't have kids. I don't know if I want any for sure, but I have always fanticized about having a son. Dear God, if you do bless me with a son, please, first off, give me the wisdom not to name his something stupid. Also, let me be gentle and caring and let him feel wanted so he doesn't become either a wimpy or unproductive Black male with sagging pants and a Wiz Khalifa inspired hair do. Don't let me be that lady on the bus that picks her baby up out of the stroller by his armpit and please, let me be nurturing. Don't let me be the skull cap curse out mom. Amen.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Failing the Pap Test
Deciding to go get the Pap Test that I am 5 years late for at Planned Parenthood was...an adventure.
I woke up at the crack of dawn to get there early so I could beat the slutty GA State girls there who go for birth control refills. I chose the coldest day in Atlanta to go and had on dress, so on arrival, I was already in a weird mood. Especially after my Muslim cab driver acted like taking me there was was going to automatically send us both to Hell.
So I get there, sign in, and fill out the paper work. I am hella nervous, of course, because everyone I had told that I was going, finally, was alarmed at how long it had taken me. I had worked myself up to tears by the time the nurse at the window decided to keep us all entertained by turning on a horrifying documentary about HIV/AIDS in America.
"This is so sad," a woman told the nurse at the window.
"I know. That is why I close the window, so I can't hear it."
Pause.
I was eventually called back and seen by the nurse practitioner. She was very nice. She let me cry for no reason and allowed me to have a full on breakdown as I gave her unasked for explanations about my fears of sex and disease.
One thing the trip showed me is how uncomfortable I am with my lady parts. All the vag pics on the wall gave me radiating heart burn down to my toes.
All and all, I am glad that I went. Although UNCOMFORTABLE, and I do mean UNCOMFORTABLE, it was something that had to be done. I even got a breast exam because, as the nurse told me with a smile, "Women in their 20s do die of Breast Cancer."
An intense day, but again, glad I went.
I woke up at the crack of dawn to get there early so I could beat the slutty GA State girls there who go for birth control refills. I chose the coldest day in Atlanta to go and had on dress, so on arrival, I was already in a weird mood. Especially after my Muslim cab driver acted like taking me there was was going to automatically send us both to Hell.
So I get there, sign in, and fill out the paper work. I am hella nervous, of course, because everyone I had told that I was going, finally, was alarmed at how long it had taken me. I had worked myself up to tears by the time the nurse at the window decided to keep us all entertained by turning on a horrifying documentary about HIV/AIDS in America.
"This is so sad," a woman told the nurse at the window.
"I know. That is why I close the window, so I can't hear it."
Pause.
I was eventually called back and seen by the nurse practitioner. She was very nice. She let me cry for no reason and allowed me to have a full on breakdown as I gave her unasked for explanations about my fears of sex and disease.
One thing the trip showed me is how uncomfortable I am with my lady parts. All the vag pics on the wall gave me radiating heart burn down to my toes.
All and all, I am glad that I went. Although UNCOMFORTABLE, and I do mean UNCOMFORTABLE, it was something that had to be done. I even got a breast exam because, as the nurse told me with a smile, "Women in their 20s do die of Breast Cancer."
An intense day, but again, glad I went.
STACEY DASH IS NORMAL: The Dip from Stacey Dash
So no one that I have told about Stacey Dash's web series is excited about it. I do believe that Lauren said it was sad. But I am in love! I check every day to see if there is a new show posted. I mean, I heard that she has a major tude, but how can you not LOVE Stacey Dash??
So no one that I have told about Stacey Dash's web series is excited about it. I do believe that Lauren said it was sad. But I am in love! I check every day to see if there is a new show posted. I mean, I heard that she has a major tude, but how can you not LOVE Stacey Dash??
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