Sometimes you feel like a nut...

The best, meaning the worst, thing about watching a loved one suffer from Alzheimer's is witnessing yourself crack.
Lately, I've found myself forgetting things which of course sends me into a panic similar to the ones that my grandma has when she can't remember my name. So now I find myself giving myself little mental quizzes and if I don't pass them, or if I don't feel I remembered a name or place quickly enough, I want to cry.
When I was younger I watched a documentary on ETV on Vivian Vance, the lady that played Ethal on I Love Lucy. Apparently, her mother lost her mind when she was young, so when she got older, Vivian carried a note card with her name and address in her purse so that in the event that she lost her mind, whoever found her roaming the streets would be able to return her home. The documentary was scary to me then, but its horrifying to me now. Funny how you take little things for granted like being able to know your own name off hand.
So the other day my mother tells me that my great-grandfather, my grandma's father, had Alzheimer's. I do not remember him, but oddly enough, I do remember spinning in circles outside of his hospital when I was younger. Nonetheless, hearing this tidbit of info was bone chilling. This means my mother could get this disease and I would have to watch this Hell all over again. Then I could get it, and get to watch myself waste away. I could get to watch myself not know my children, get my ass wiped by strangers, and overall lose touch.
The whole thing sucks to say the least. It sucks that I have to deal with this with my grandma, it sucks that I may one day have to deal with it myself, and there's nothing I can do about it now to prevent it.