Over the past month, about five of my friends have called me to tell me that they've just been in a threesome.
Apparently, these sexcapades are going on in my friends' lives while I'm at home in bed watching The Hills and eating Oreos with my hair wrapped wearing my old dependable holey nightgown.
I am the first to admit that I am sexually oblivious. I have been a graduate of Xavier University for two years and I am just now finding out who did who and when. But I thought the threeway was the last card in the deck for desperate married couples!
Yesterday I was watching Tyra with my grandma in the nursing home and this 19-year-old girl told her parents that she'd had a threesome in an elevator with some other girl and man that she didn't know on the family cruise.
So if I am correct, if the threeway is the last card in the deck and the Tyra girl was 19 and my friends are in their early 20s, then what will be doing to get off in ten years, fucking cats?
Okay. Let me slow my roll. Maybe I'm going overboard here.
A close girlfriend of mine told me that she and her two guy friends just met up one night and the threesome just kind of happened. Just kind of happened. You have to understand that I have always been a cautious person. I look both ways before I cross the street and keep a travel-sized Lysol in my purse just in case I have to pee at the mall. I have never just kind of ever did anything, especially not sucked a dick while taking it up my ass in a basement.
Am I being rude? I'm sorry, but I just want you to know how foreign this is to me. It was not until college that I became comfortable with hugging. And I have to say, this whole threesome thing is making me paranoid.
Kind of like when I was in the fifth grade and used to watch scribble porn at my uncle's house. After that, if I saw a female teacher talking to a male one, I just assumed it was to schedule sex. Or if the pizza man came to the door and didn't leave immediately, he wasn't waiting on his tip, he was waiting for me to strip. Now, when my favorite couple invites me to their apartment for our bi-weekly Scrabble games, I sit at the end of the couch drinking a Red Bull, afraid that if I doze off, they will try to get something poppin'.
But maybe that would not be a bad thing. Perhaps I am thinking of this all wrong. My friends don't have accelerated sex lives. I'm just behind. I have always sort of felt like I need to loosen up and get with the times and now that I think about it, what better time than in your 20s to explore? If anyone needs me I'll be in my basement...multitasking.
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