Barry and Wayne: Cyber Lovers

My friend Cassandra thinks that I should try to get out and date. Can you believe it? With all my issues and with all the things I need to accomplish IMMEDIATELY in my life, she wants me to go out on a date. That, my friends, would be a distraction. She doesn't get that though. What she also doesn't get (because I haven't told her) is that I don't need a date because I have crushes and imaginary relationships with men on Instagram.

I met a girl recently who told me that women change every five years. Their minds, their body chemistry, their career positions- all of it. They change every five years. I found this to be interesting since I have had the same boy crushes for about ten years. Sadly, I guess this shows that I am not progressing in life. I am prepared to accept that. You can't have it all. 

One guy, we will call him Barry, is tall, dark, and clean cut. He is my Obama. I like stalking his Instagram to see pics of him going to church and working on his abs in the gym. The other one, we will call Wayne, looks like he should be living out of a V Wagon on the beach someplace. His hair is wild, and his only vice is taking expensive trips around the world, cocktail in hand. 

I often imagine what life would be like with these two. Barry would buy me a dream house with a huge kitchen where I would bake cookies and prepare us smoked salmon. We would slow jam in this same kitchen to Earth, Wind, and Fire. I would be wearing the same black and white dress that Grace Kelly wore in Rear Widow. He'd be looking presidential in an all-black suit. Wayne and I would sit side by side in his unfurnished loft, eating Chinese food with our hands and watching random reruns. 

This whole thing is funny (or scary) because I know both of these guys. I went to college with them. And if either of them knew I had a play-play romance with them, I assure you that they would block me on all types of social media. 

Cassandra is married and she has kids. She is absolutely cradled in love. I have dipped my toe into the septic pool that is Atlanta dating, and have retreated comfortably into my mind and phone to partake in fake love. I have watched enough Iyanla Fix My Life to understand that this may be a symptom of a deeper problem. Until I am ready to address it, I will just continue having fun with my two boyfriends...in my head.