The Friendtervention: How To Get A Man

At times I do get lonely and wish that I had a boyfriend. There, I said it. But I am 32-years-old and I refuse to go on any dating apps or put on a mini dress and hang out outside of the men's room, so the chips are going to have to fall where they may. Over the years, I have become extremely relaxed when it comes to "finding" a man. Call me a product of the Disney generation, but I just figure that one will pop up when he is supposed to. My old roommate from college had no problem with telling me that this is a joke and, over the phone, performed a mild friendtervention.

"Holly, you are in Atlanta, the Mecca. There is no reason why you should not have a man!" she said. This made me laugh. Women who are not from Atlanta always say crazy stuff like this.
"So what do you suggest I do?" I asked sarcastically. Little did I know, she actually had some ideas.
"The first thing that you need to do is get your hair flat ironed. Men like long hair." I shook my head no silently as she spoke. She went on to say that my afro was big, so my hair would probably be really long. She also said that straightening my hair would show men that I "take myself seriously."
The next thing that she suggested that I do was start wearing false lashes. Sigh. I have no desire to put anything false near my eyeballs. I know that false lashes are popular. I mean, come on, I live in
Atlanta, which I bet you dollars to donuts is the fake lashes capital. Some look nice, but I have also known lash victims personally who are currently living devoid of their natural lashes with scarred eyelids damaged by cheap lash glue. But, according to my friend, men don't want a woman who doesn't have falsies.
Now, the last thing that she suggested made me laugh. She said that I should get a microdermabrasion. "Are you telling me that there are men out there that are refusing to date women because they don't get microdermabrasions?" I demanded.
She said no. But that I needed to get my face peeled off because the procedure would make my complexion brighter.
I could tell that she really believed in these steps, so I decided not to make any smart remarks. However, I did talk to a colleague the next day and, to my surprise, she was in agreement with these "steps".
"Are you serious?!" I exclaimed.
"Listen, men are visual creatures!" she defended.
Dear friends, I may be too far gone, because I have to be perfectly honest: I don't care what type of creatures men are. I asked both friends if they believed that the love of your life will find you, regardless of what you look like because you are meant to be. They both said no. Apparently, it all boils down to how you look. I hope that isn't the case, but if it is, I'm up shit's creek without a paddle. I don't put heat on my hair and my God-given itty bitty lashes will have to do. If that means I will have to single, oh well.
#2old2care