When and If

Unintentionally, I have found myself mingling with a new group of women. These women are spiritually sound, grounded, and genuinely happy about life. Typically, women this optimistic annoy me, but I find their relentless excitement about their futures to be a little refreshing. I think that my ends are shedding and that my complexion is going down the toilet. I could use a little sunlight.
One thing that this predominantly single group of women likes to say is, "When I get married." Like, "When I get married, I hope my husband won't mind cooking." "When I get married, I want to wait at least a year before we have kids." These women range in age from about 27-38, so they are good and grown. I can't blame their confidence on youth. They KNOW they are going to get hitched. For me, marriage is an if at best.
By about 25, I had decided that I probably wouldn't get married. I began to pay attention to the women around me that were getting married, mainly my old college classmates, and I realized that I was nothing like them. They were skinny and pretty and unrealistically successful for their ages. I was, at the time, rooming with three girls, getting paid once a month, and sustaining myself on Doritos and this large tray of obviously genetically enhanced chicken legs from my local grocer. What did I have to offer a man other than college debt and a possibly cancerous dish of chicken and rice?
Joining Instagram renewed a spark in me about love that I had not had since my kindergarten crush brought me a Strawberry Shortcake square valentine with a piece of chocolate taped to it. I found myself daily falling down the rabbit hole of wedding gown photos, bridal party selfies, and those dreaded engagement ring pics. Foolishly, I began to fantasize about who my bridesmaids would be and where me and my man would go on our honeymoon.
Now, at 33, I think that marriage is about as possible for me as sprouting a pair of wings on my back. I have so many things to fix about myself before I think that it would be appropriate to even accept a Good Morning text from a guy. I need to lose weight. I need to get a job. I need to save money. I need to buy a house. I need to finish the past two season of The Walking Dead.
So lets say that WHEN I get my life together, I will consider marriage IF there are any men left interested in a pessimistic woman over 40 who enjoys short walks to her Uber and Wal-Mart brand fudge-striped cookies. Fingers crossed.