People can break your heart and not know it; and not mean it. This was the unfortunate takeaway I took from Sweet.
I met Sweet on one of the greatest nights of my life. I was a sophomore, and I won $100 twerking at a basketball game. Big Homie Saans had snuck us down to the good seats, so I had to get my money and literally run before they asked to check my ticket stub. Later that night, we went to a party at The Municipal Auditorium. Me and Saans got some drinks at the bar and turned around to see a very thin Sweet in an oversized red Dicky's shirt set. He asked if we could buy him a drink because he wasn't old enough to get it himself. Not too long after, Hurricane Katrina would happen. Upon return to school, he would play a major role in the greatest year of my life...before it went south.
There are some things you should know about Sweet. He moves to the beat of his own drummer. He is unusually cool. Nothing seems to shake him. Always happy. Unbelievably confident. This guy would wear things that you could never imagine a guy his age who was concerned about fitting in would wear. People had remarks about his avant guard style of dress. He didn't care. Sweet was incredibly confident. I was so attracted to confident guys because I lacked confidence, and Sweet had enough to spread around.
Here is something else I learned from Sweet: never tell a friend you like a guy. My friendship with Bells almost collapsed my junior year because I told her I like Sweet, she said he was corny, then a few weeks later she told me she made out with him. I felt like I was dying inside for months after that. And as if that wasn't enough, Brownie broke the news to me that the kiss wasn't a one off. Apparently, after we'd all stop hanging out for the night, they would meet up and make out. Oh, the messy betrayal of it all!
All has been forgiven now. That was over 20 years ago, and Bells and Sweet both are my forever friends. But the biggest part of this heartbreak was not the behind the back stuff, it was being confronted head on with what I already knew but didn't want to say aloud: I would never be Sweet's type. Bells was petite with a really nice body. I was not. The end. I was also pretty obvious with my feelings for him. How could he make out with my friend and not care about how it would hurt me? Let me tell you something about even the sweetest guys: they typically don't care. You feelings will always come after their gratification or desire to satisfy an urge. Yes, every time.
My romantic love for Sweet would last far into my 20s. It became too heavy, and I had to put it down. It didn't make sense having such deep feelings for someone who would NEVER return them. Plus, I wanted to try putting some of that energy into a man that could possibly like me back. Spoiler alert: that ended in disaster as well.
Today Sweet and I talk pretty often about life and politics and college memories. I tell him I love him at the end of every call and I do, but as a friend. And I'm good with that. He's a good friend. He's super sweet.
No comments:
Post a Comment