Adulting- No Thanks

I am not even 40 yet, and I am almost out of the juice it takes to effectively be an adult. It's just too much. 

Anything that can be considered a part of "taking care of business" or "being grown" I simply can't tolerate. I don't have the patience or the energy or that whatever. I just want to take a nap. 

To get things done, I try to space out my heavy tasks throughout the week. Today, I had to have a conversation with my graduate advisor. I wanted to scream the whole time. Making a doctor's appointment takes so much out of me that I usually have to hide under a mountain of blankets afterward. Every time I have to do anything concerning my checking account or paying a bill, I experience level trillion trauma. And don't let me have to call the IRS for any reason. After those calls, I usually have to go on a 5-day mental hiatus. Could you imagine if I had kids?? I'd probably be blowing bubbles right now in the corner of a padded room. 

I need a break, even though I take 600 breaks a day. I need to rest, even though I am quite sure that the amount of hours I sleep is considered some lightweight human hibernation. How does everyone else have all this energy? I have friends that run businesses and raise families and travel the world! Friends that juggle lovers and keep up lies and live in a fantasy. Friends who work quadruple shifts at hospitals. Creators. Engineers. Disrupters. Imaginators. Spouses. Caregivers. HOW?

So that I don't feel too bad about myself, I like to imagine that once a week, my friends do photoshoots of themselves in different outfits doing different things so that they can post them at different times on social media to distract from the fact that they too are at home, screaming into a pillow. 

Sidebar: Can you believe that there are people in the world that have pets that they clean, feed, and take on walks all while they hold down a job, maintain relationships, and just live?! It's shocking! 

Sidebar Sidebar: I saw a video of a college friend of mine at a birthday party on IG. She looked super cute and was dancing with the energy of a 10-year-old. Watching the video exhausted me to the point that I fell asleep unintentionally with the phone in my hand. Her vibes exerted so much energy from me that my body shutdown! 

Okay. That's enough whining for today. Time to sit still in the dark. 

Adulting

As a child, I thought that the beginning and ending of adulting was going to work and paying bills. I am realizing now that adulting is really what was discussed in those whispered conversations between the women in my life that always shut down when I walked in the room.
It seems that ever since I turned 30, it has been a parade of bad news, this year being the worst. One of my friends was diagnosed with a very scary autoimmune disease, while another was just arrested over the holiday for stabbing someone to death. And the grim reaper has truly come to slay, snatching grandparents, parents, friends, and even newborns out of my friends' lives.
I find that I am becoming numb to everyone's sequences of unfortunate events, as well as my own. When a friend tells me she is getting divorced or is in crippling debt, my emotions don't even allow me to process the news. I just sigh and pray on it. There is really nothing else to do.
And this is where social media gets confusing. While the bad news parade marches on, I go on Instagram to see people I went to college with partying, traveling, and having an amazing time. Upon further investigation, I now suspect that many of these people might be functioning alcoholics, committed to dancing and globetrotting the blues away. Adulting has taught me that the only way to deal with an issue is to deal with it, but for once I would like to cry over life at some hot nightclub off the coast of Jamaica rather than on my living room floor.
Don't get me wrong, there are good times. People are getting hitched, starting new jobs, and expanding their families. However, the good news is not seeming to outweigh the bad. One engagement announcement on Facebook is followed by R.I.P wishes to cousins and funeral announcements.
If I had to define adulting, I would define it as trying to live your best life while running with the devil nipping at your heals. Better get you some good sneakers.