Aggressive Rats and the Single Girl

I heard somewhere that the Coronavirus has brought about a new species of aggressive rats. That's right! Just when we thought that things couldn't get any worse. And we are not talking Master Splinter here folks! Apparently, cities being on lockdown and a decrease of people being out and about. has contributed to a downturn in the amount of food and trash being left about. Because of this, rats do not have their usual surplus of food to get into, making them pissed off, hungry, and aggressive with each other. Some of these rats have gone as far as to become cannibalistic, nibbling on their fellow rat brotheran for the nourishment needed to survive. 

I thought that this was sad until my friend Tony told me that he was approached by a coworker to start an affair with her. You see, she knows that he is married, but still wants to get busy. She attempted to lure him into an entanglement by sharing with him her love of oral sex and the...logistics of her vagina. He turned her down, but she wasn't happy about it. Who knew that this type of crazy was happening between America's 9-1-1 operators? It seems as though closed businesses have made it almost impossible to go out on dates, and the Coronavirus in itself has made it unwise to be physical with anyone, even on the most harmless of levels. Tony said that his coworker was hella brazen and assertive. I guess the pandemic has now also turned some single women into aggressive rats. 

I assumed that a deadly virus being on the loose would somehow naturally decrease a woman's desire to get a man. I mean, giving a man a hug could end in you being put on a ventilator. But boy was I wrong! Apparently, at least in my friend group, this has cranked women's desire to get a man up a 100%. So many of my friends are joining apps and trying to get some meetups in before the cities go back to complete lockdown. Unlike with the rats, I hope that my friends don't start eating each other to thin out the competition. Tortilla said it best: People are dying of Covid-19. It makes you realize how important it is to be with someone. So true. No ifs, ands, or rats about it. 

Relationship Energy

So I was talking to a girl I went to college with last week, and as with most of my conversations with women in my life over 30, we discussed being single. Why are we single? What are we doing wrong? Why are men horrible? Are we ever going to get married? Should we just give up? You know, the typical panicked woman over 30 questions.
In this conversation, my friend tossed up a lot of reasons why she could be single. But what she didn't mention is what came through loud in clear through the convo without her knowing it: she still has a crush on her college crush. And you know who the college crush is: the man you had such an amazing chemistry with that you and everyone else but the crush thought you were going to marry. I know first hand that these crushes are hard to ditch. I had a laundry list of them until I was forced to abandon them. I mean, I really had no choice once the dudes got married.
Are you someone that believes in energy? After hanging up with my friend I came up with a reason why she may be single that was not thrown out during the call: perhaps she is still so emotionally connected and invested in this crush that she is giving off the energy that she is in a relationship to single guys.
"That's not it," P said when I ran the theory past him. "Men don't even think like that. Single men try to get with women whether their energy is telling them that that woman is with someone or not!"
I'm not so sure. I can't see a man that is serious about relationships and the prospect of getting married wasting time on a woman who was giving off the energy that she is with or in love with someone else.
So how do we cleanse ourselves of this "with someone but we're not" energy? Child, this is the million dollar question. The simple yet not so easy answer would be to just move on. Maybe get some of those energy crystals that everyone is talking about. All I know is that no one can occupy a space that someone else is already in.

The Hug

The other day I went with my Aunty to go pick up a pizza we'd ordered. While she was in the restaurant, I saw my childhood friend CeCe leaving the gas station.
"CeCe!" I yelled.
She came over to me and I was so happy to see her that I lost myself and I gave her a hug. Immediately, an alarm went off in my brain. NO TOUCHY! She didn't seem bothered by it, but I was so scared that I could've contracted Covid-19 that I almost threw up right there.
It's not my fault! In the area we were in, no one had on a mask. A young couple was making out by the burger joint pick up window an arm's length away from us. NO ONE had on a mask. It was a beautiful sunny day. I was seduced I tell you by the beautiful weather and by the fact that no one, and I do mean no one around me, seemed to be practicing any Covid precautions.
I always have known that touch is my love language, but Covid has shown this to me head on. I have literally be jonesing for a hug and as we all know, hugs are now a no-no.
You would think I would have gotten this through my head the last time I was in the grocery store. I ran into a grandmother from my nephew's pre-K play date, which has sense been Covid-canceled, and I was so happy to see her that I leaned in to give her a hug.
"No hugs!" she yelled so loudly that everyone in the store froze. The security looked over like he was ready to cuff me right there. Again, hugs are a no-no! Especially when it comes to elderly people.
I have tried hugging myself, but it's not the same, go figure. At the risk of sounding way to optimistic, I can't wait until Covid is over. I can't wait to touch folks again.

Mr. Nice Man

I think that I may have come across America's last nice man.  He is a member of my virtual writing group. He is sensitive. He is kind. He genuinely asks how you are doing, and he has a pretty smile. I told P all about him, and P said that he sounded like a...uh... b&tch ass nig@a who could possibly also be doubling as a gay virgin. This response is to be expected of P. In P's opinion, any man that honestly and openly acknowledges his emotions might as well me be wearing high heels and a pair of cotton panties with the words "insert here" stitched on the backside. What was shocking is that my aunty, who is as sweet as a fresh slice of key lime pie, agreed with P who, for all intents and purposes, is a prick. Aunty says that Mr. Nice Man sounds like a wimp.
Have you all noticed there is a war going on against kindness? I mean, seasoned politicians can't get through a press conference without throwing major, below the belt shade! But when it comes to girlboyness, it is especially dirty. I have been battling this war personally since elementary school when it comes to guys. I had a crush on a boy named Keith Edwards in kindergarten who introduced himself to me by walking over and kicking down my lego town. I have been getting my legos kicked by guys ever since. Ray Henderson in middle school. Adam Reid in high school. To go into the college years, I would need a drink, and to go into life in my 20s, I would need therapy.
The thing is that when I was fake in love with or crushing on or talking to these horrible guys, my heart was still pining for a nice man. A guy so great and available that it would be like he fell out of a Tyler Perry movie and right onto my doorstep. But it seems like NICE is the new NOT and is now equated with being unmasculine, weird, a front for something horrible, or even downright homosexual. I think that the real story here is not only have women become unaccustomed with kindness buy also more accustomed to cruelty, inappreciation, and abuse. For many of my girlfriends, it has gone beyond liking a bad boy and has stalled into unintentionally preferring bad men.  I prefer to no longer be stalled. When a nice man pulls up, I'm getting in the car.

Mathematics

If you are anything like me, you have been sitting at home, hiding from Rona. All this hiding has given me a lot of time to do some very sad and painful math.
I'm 35-years-old. I have had 3 great loves in my life. 2 of them are married to women that are almost insultingly opposite from me, and the other was gay and has died. I have 0 in savings. I have accumulated 0 wealth. I have entertained countless losers, which all ended up going nowhere. Add, subtract, and multiply that up and all you get is a remainder of 1: me. I can't say that this is where I thought I would be in my mid 30s, but to be fair, I haven't had real expectations for my life since I was 7, and those expectations were based off of what I saw on episodes of Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous with Robin Leach.
To add insult to injury, I was also able to do some math when it came to the time I have wasted on unrequited love. Those of you who have read my other posts know that I am acutely aware of, mindful of, and saddened by the amount of time I have wasted on different things. But when it comes to the time I have flushed daydreaming about crushes, men who didn't care, or men who were head over heels in love with my homegirls, the math is even more disappointing. I crushed the numbers and you won't believe the results! Over the years, I could have gotten an advanced degree, built a house from the ground up, walked to California, learned how to sew, taught myself to play the piano, shaved my head and watched my hair grow back, gotten my teaching license, and taken a cruise around the world FOUR times in the time that I have wasted worried about men who weren't an option.
As my friend Bells pointed out to me today, I am closer to forty than I am to thirty, so if I want to make something happen, I need to make a move. There is no more time to waste. The math supports this fact.

Love In The Time of Corona

I'm sorry that I have been absent. But, much like I assume you have been, I have been obsessed with these Coronavirus outbreak updates honey, and none of them have been good. Schools have gone digital. Countries have quarantined themselves. People have gotten into fist fights over toilet paper in the grocery store. And while watching the news 24/7 could lead one to believe that the world is about to end I could only think of one thing: what if I die of Coronavirus before I find true love? Would that not be tragic?!
Long ago, I read an article in a magazine about a young psychologist who had gotten the opportunity to serve as a woman's counselor for immigrants that had just fled to her country from a refugee camp. She was eager to dig into the issues that she assumed that she was going to be hearing about which were depression, anger, homesickness, mourning, etc. But, after talking to a few ladies, she was surprised. All these downtrodden refugees who had been ripped from their native lands under extreme, horrifying, and even deadly circumstances wanted to talk about were their romantic relationships in the camps. Some of their guys went to other countries. Others were having their heads turned by other women now that they were safe and sound. Isn't it funny that in times of distress we rely on our basic needs: food, water, shelter, and love?
Sunday, my pastor discussed how the Coronavirus is reminding people that they are not going to live forever and they need to get right with the Lord. Sadly, all I could think about was how we are not going to live forever and how I don't want to leave the planet before I meet the guy of my dreams. I don't care if he's old, ugly, deformed, or missing a leg or something. He can borrow one of mine! But I would at least like to spend a day with him, even if we are just holding hands from our hospital beds in the Corona quarantine facility.
Maybe, as always, my priorities are a smidge off. It's just funny how love is always a top priority, even when it should be avoiding a lung distressing killer virus.

Boy Excited

As many of you know, I volunteer with teen girls. I met with them on Saturday, and many of them were giggling for no reason and walking around with huge, huge smiles. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know what that means: they have boyfriends. One of my favorite girls who, until recently, only wanted to date a Korean boy similar to her K-Pop crushes has found a super tall boy at her school that she can not stop talking about. He is apparently the best thing to happen to high school since excuses to get out of gym. One of the other teens I mentor is quiet and moody and has found another equally quiet and moody boy to laugh on the phone with. He is into anime and making dance videos on Instagram.
Seeing them made me smile. I remember what it feels like to be genuinely excited about a guy. I would like that feeling again, but I told Kyndra on our ride to church that I am not sure I can ever be again. What my teen mentees don't know is that with every ounce of boy excitement you have, the bigger the shoe is that is inevitably going to drop. I have been excited about so many guys, from the one that had a fat fetish highlighted by the tattoo of a fat woman on his arm to the one that seemed really community minded but only wanted to get close to me to get me involved in a calling card pyramid scheme.  Now, whenever I even so much as see a cute guy, I imagine what could be wrong with him; the boatload of unnecessary drama he could bring into my life.
The last guy I was excited about was Third Ryan. His other shoe dropped when he told me he was in love with one of my best friends. That was the cherry on top of an already melting love banana split for me. Now I kind of look at guys the way I look at purses at the mall that I can't afford: from a distance with a sad face. Just as the purse would be my obsession before it was inevitably snatched from me at an Atlanta bus stop, that man would have me excited before he inevitably lied, revealed his array of side families, asked to borrow money, or ate off of my plate without asking. But hey, who says you can't be excited about an idea? I did. I think I said that.