The Last Normal Man in America

I was excited to meet Tiesh's new boyfriend, Michael, because we had been praying for him for about 10 years, and I wanted to see what God provided. However, I was a little nervous. I have self-appointed myself the New Partnership Interrogator/Partnership Procurement Officer for my friend groups, and over the years, I have gotten really good at the job. Just consider me an Olivia Benson for my single friends. I investigate, ask the hard questions, and try to sniff out any general b*tcha*sness that my friends may be missing. 

What makes me so good at the job when I don't have a man myself? Being fat. When you are a fat person, you kind of live life on the sidelines while everyone else is moving and shaking. And before I became the ball of awesomeness that is grown Holly, kiddie, tween, and teen Holly observed and filed enough foolishness from the relationships of the people around her, uninterrupted and clearly, that she was set by young adulthood to start her gig. I can spot a loser from a mile away. There are signs, sayings, and even aromas that alert me to when one of my friends has bagged someone bogus. Tiesh is my friend with good sense, so I doubted that Michael would be horrible, but even your smartest friend can make an oopsie. I invited them to my Airbnb when I got to New Orleans for a sit-down in the house's really cutely decorated living area. But make no mistake about it. Tiesh and Michael were walking into an interrogation room. 

At first sight, Michael seemed sweet, handsome, and unassuming. This means nothing. My last friend who dated a guy with those same qualities found out six months in that he was bisexual with kids he didn't claim. It was imperative that I not be moved by any outside factors, like the huge smile Tiesh got when Michael spoke. It's cute but irrelevant. After some small talk, it was time to get down to business. 

"Are you going to marry Tiesh?" I asked him. I mean, come on, if not, why were we all there? 40 is different than 20. There is no time to waste. 

He said that he hoped to, if she said yes. And he went on to talk about his family and his job and his willingness to move to New Orleans to be with Tiesh if need be. He communicated clearly. No sexual undertones. Didn't seem annoyed, scared, or humored by my line of questioning. Showed me a picture of his grandkid. Helped me out of an overly plush chair my butt sank into before leaving. After he left, I sat silently with my thoughts in the bedroom, preparing a mental debrief for Tiesh for when she inevitably reached out for my opinion. After much deliberation, I concluded that for about an hour, I may have been in the company of a normal man. 

Yes, my findings are based on only what I have observed. For all I know, this guy could have a freezer bag full of babydoll heads in his car trunk. But I don't think that is the case. A lot of women do not agree with me, but I think normal is good. Over the years, normal has translated to boring. But let me tell you, in a world where men lie and cheat and have all types of freaky tricks up their sleeves, normal is what you want, especially in middle age. Desiring a man who keeps you on the edge of your seat with falsehoods and mind-bending lie-riddles is a young woman's game, and a fruitless one at that. Dealing with men with those qualities in your 20s, you will be lucky not to be loony by your 30s and out for blood by your 40s. You want a guy that you can believe that makes your blood pressure stabilize, and I think that Michael may be this man for Tiesh. 

I was happy to report this to her, and I am prayerful that 2026 brings normal guys for the rest of my single friends, in the event that Michael is not the last normal man left in America. 

Sailing Love's Seas

It may be too early to say that the love boat that my friends and I are on is not sinking. I will say that it looks as if we have our life vests on. Whether we make it is yet to be seen. At least for now, it looks like there is smooth sailing ahead for the first time in a long time, but we know how quickly sugar can go to s&*t when it comes to these matters of the heart. 

Tiesh has a boyfriend now. It is crazy, because we have been trying to pray us up some boyfriends for at least the past five years. I remember mentioning it in my Christmas cards. I would say something like, "I pray that we find love this year." Well, "this year" has arrived for Tiesh, and she is so happy. She actually worked with him when she was a teenager. I guess there is some truth to the old idea that by middle age, you have already met or even dated the love of your life. I have gotten to talk to him on the phone, and he is super sweet. They have met each other's families, and he has visited her in New Orleans. I predict good things for them, and I am hopeful that their story leads to a chapel. Not yet, though! I need to lose about 900 lbs first and get on a better skincare regimen before I attend another wedding. 

Tortilla has a new boyfriend. They have only been together for two months, but they already have a bunch of trips planned. She says that he is very kind to her and even offers her some of his food when they go out to eat. To me, this is a good sign. If he will share his food, he will share your heart. 

Even old Nick seems to be on the right track. For the past 20 years, I have watched him carelessly and almost comedically fumble the ball when it comes to the women in his life. For all of his friends to be women, I just couldn't grasp how he seemed to show up as clueless about them in his relationships. However, at 40, he is getting his act together. He met a girl and said that he is going to ask her to be his girlfriend when they have their next date. It is around this time that things usually go south for Nick, but I am optimistic. He said that she is nice. He sent me a picture. She is pretty and looks like she has good sense. Good sense is a necessary quality for anyone Nick is going to be with, whether he realizes it or not. 

So if we all have on our life vests, Bells has on a vest, a parachute, and scuba gear. Bells is very cautious and frugal, interesting traits to have in today's dating climate. However, she is stepping out on faith and has purchased a month on a dating app. This is a big deal for Bells! She doesn't just spend money on anything. She can squeeze a penny until it turns white! But she has to see what is out there and both fortunately and unfortunately (depending on who you ask), dating apps are the best way to go. She has not had luck so far. That first round of guys is usually a dud. I am optimistic that she will get a few dates out of this. 

I, on the other hand, am simply messaging with men that I am meeting on the fatty app. This may seem pretty benign, but it is something I would not have had the guts to do even two years ago. There are no wedding bells going off, but it is nice getting to know people. 

For now, me and the homies seem to be on love's good foot and it's a nice change of pace. Hopefully, there are no icebergs ahead.