The Compliment Collector

I have to say, being on a plus size dating app is fun. It's nice to chat with men who are into me for a change. Plus, I am a sucker for a good story. So I love to hear the men talk about their jobs and past relationships. And, ashamedly, I love when they pay me compliments. When these guys message me sweet words about my smile, eyes, and figure, I light up like a Christmas tree! 

You see, in high school I could not have paid a guy to say I was pretty. Then, in college, I was overlooked for BEAUTIFUL thin girls that literally looked like models. I was also ignored. I could have done the banana dance in the middle of the cafe, and no man would have noticed. As a young adult, men who said nice things to me wanted sex or gas money. Finally, in middle aged, men are waking up to see what a dish I am. 

I wish I was one of these women who didn't need male validation and could solely exist off of my self esteem alone. But I'm not, so give me more compliments for 200 Alex! There are things I am admitting out loud at my big age. I like when men make me feel beautiful as pathetic as it is. I am hopeful that one day my confidence will be enough to get me through. It just won't be one day soon, lol. 

Sickles and the Naughty Call

A few years ago I told you guys about Sickles. I was pretty optimistic about him. He is literally tall, dark, and handsome, and at the time, for some reason, I was under the impression that he was going to Morehouse Medicine to study Sickle Cell Anemia. Since then he has wanted to be a dentist, worked for AT&T, been incarcerated, had a baby, contemplated working on a farm, and fallen off the face of the earth...or so I thought.
The other day I was scrambling to get ready for some errands that I had to run. I had decided the day before that I would leave the house at 8am. Before I knew it, 10:30am had rolled around and I was still trying to get dressed. Just when I was about to head out the door, my phone rang, alerting me that I was receiving a call via DUO. There was no name, just a number. I answered it only to be greeted by a live video of a man (only from the waist down), playing with his not-so-wee wee wee. I quickly hung up, understandably shaken. The phone rang again from the same number, and I answered it again, ready to curse out the person. But this person was not just some weirdo calling me to be gross. It was Sickles.

"Sorry about that Holly," he said, smiling his goofy smile. I was not smiling. 

"Really Sickles?" I asked, shaking my head. 

"Yeah, my bad. So...how are you?"

"Have a good morning Sickles," I said, ending the video call. 

Lately, during my reflection time, I had begun to be really hard on myself. It just felt like I was getting older yet nothing about my life or my being was changing. Now I know for sure that this is not true. When I first met Sickles, my self-esteem was in the pits. I would have thought that whole thing was cute or funny, just happy that there was a guy out there willing to talk to me, even if he was being nasty. But when he did that the other day, I didn't feel happy, I felt annoyed. This showed me that I am growing in some aspects of myself, even if I don't have a nice car and a huge house to show for it. I have respect for myself! I have dignity! It's funny the life-changing conclusions that seeing a man's penis can bring you to. 

20

I had to go to the doctor recently. I HATE going to the doctor. But I didn't have a choice! I needed more blood pressure medicine and, sadly, you can't buy it off the street.
I don't like going to the doctor for all of the usual, expected reasons. Fear of bad news. Cold doctor fingers. Fear of bad news.
Well, during my checkup I was informed of something unexpected and yes, even unbelievable. I have lost 20 pounds!
"What?" I asked the nurse, confused.
"You have lost 20 pounds since the last time you were here."
"Oh...What?" I asked again, not sure I understood what she was saying.
"You have lost weight," she said slowly.
"Oh." I still didn't get it.
It wasn't until the Lyft ride home that I understood the magnitude of what she had said. I. Me. I had lost weight! This is a big deal because I have never lost weight in my life! I have consistently been getting fatter since birth! I had actually begun to believe that I could not lose weight. I mean, I have joined gyms and drank smoothies. As a teen, I even flirted with anorexia and managed to gain weight! What would happen if I went 20 by 20 and began to lose hundreds of pounds?
Don't worry. I am still going to be your friend even though I am now skinny. I wish I could tell you that I lost 20 pounds with diet and exercise but sadly, it had more to do with stress and loneliness. Regardless, it is my 20 pounds and I am taking it like I can get it! How stressed and lonely do you guys think I would have to get to lose 200?

Impressing the Impressive

As you know, I mentor teen girls. Last Saturday, after the mentor meeting, one of my favorite girls, Kyra, told me that she wants to take out her braids but is scared to because she knows that boys like girls with long hair and her real hair is short.
"What does it matter what boys like? What do you like?" I asked my 15-year-old friend.
"I want to cut all my hair off," she said, honestly. But we both knew that that wasn't going to happen. It takes a very brave teenage girl to go bald.
"Well, you should do what you want to do with your hair because you want to do it, not because you want a boy to like you," I advised, something I wish someone would have told me when I was 15 during my black lipstick and cornrows faze.
Fast forward a day to Sunday. I woke up early before my writing group to put on eyeshadow because I noticed that New Ryan talked to two women after the last meeting that had on makeup. And if New Ryan likes it, I love it!
It was only after I saw myself in the mirror putting on pink eyeshadow that I hadn't used in over a year that I realized that I was no different than Kyra, only I was sadder because she is 15 and I am less than a month away from 34. I should know better.
Do you ever outgrow wanting to impress someone you find impressive? At the rate I fall for dudes, I don't think I have enough eyeshadow to take me into the next phase of my life. I hear that after 50 you stop caring as much. By then, fingers crossed, my armpit hair will be growing out of the top of my wool turtleneck and I can finally be free to be me. Until then, eyeshadow it is. But if anyone asks, I'm not wearing it because I'm thirsty. I'm wearing it because I want to.

Homecoming Post 3: Meeting in the Ladies Room

Upon arriving in the fall of 2003 to college, I thought I was all that for about ten minutes. I was wearing gold hoops, a tall tee that made me look shapeless and wide-legged jeans. Then I saw the upperclassman girls and wanted to run back to my dorm room and crawl under the bed! They were all GORGEOUS! And they just seemed to have it all together. They were walking in heels and it didn't even look like their feet hurt. Their clothes fit properly. And they had on real makeup, not the lip liner and Carmax I was rockin'. I remember wanting to just walk among these glamazons, which would have been hard to do when they were wearing those super cute Timberland heels and I was wearing scuffed Reeboks. I just wanted to be grown like them.
Fast forward to last week. I was at a club in New Orleans feeling cute in a pink peplum top and animal print jacket. Then I walked into the bathroom and saw three women, each of them in red bottoms that didn't seem to be making their feet hurt. Their dresses were sparkly, their hair was flat ironed to perfection, and they smelled of Dove soap and Chanel Mademoiselle. Yes, they smelled like upperclassman girls. And, as if it was 13 years ago, I faded into the background, making myself invisible, just to hear the cool girls talk.
"I told my husband that I will support him getting his MBA, but I don't understand why he would get it now. He is making so much money already," Pink Sparkle Dress said.
"I know. My husband also wants to continue his education, but our son is about to start private school. I just don't think getting his Ph.D. right now would work," said Gold Sparkle Dress. "He's trying to squeeze pieces of our ten-year plan into our five-year plan and that gives me anxiety."
"I know!" said Blue Sparkle Dress. "It has to be about what is right for our family and what makes sense."
They all nodded in agreement. Man, even in the ladies room, they were adulting like crazy. And, just as I had years before, I just wanted to be apart of the conversation. I thought of something cool to say, which was going to be, "What does it matter? Aren't you all doctors?", but before I could say it, in Holly fashion, I did something else to get their attention. I sneezed.
They stopped talking and turned and looked at me blankly as they had in the past in the lunch line.
"Bless you," one of them said.
"Thank you," I replied.
They all threw their napkins in the trash simultaneously, then walked past me out of the bathroom.
I have to say, I am way more confident in myself than when I was at 18. But I wonder: even when you are as awesome as I am, do you ever stop wanting to be one of the cool girls? The together girls? Now I understand that I don't want to be them as much as I would like to take on some of their qualities. I'd definitely like to be more polished and seen as more serious. But unlike when I was 18, I am no longer willing to lose myself. So I smell like Caress and Bath and Body Works Body Spray I was given for my birthday? I don't have a husband in business school but I do have my own business. Maybe there is more than one way to be a cool girl. I'm banking on it, because I definitely don't ever plan to learn to walk in heels.