Capricorn-ish

Meanwhile, in App-land, I matched with a guy that I am now messaging. He's divorced, has two kids, and just moved here from another state. He likes art. He seems like a cool guy. He also seems to have a foot in reality, which is why I was surprised when he said that he would love it if his partner were a water sign. Sigh. Here we go. Another one of these zodiac people. Honestly, I had to Google to see if I am a water sign or not. Of course, I am not. He said that isn't a deal breaker, just a preference. When did men start buying into this witchcraft? I hate to down anyone's beliefs, but don't they know that the zodiac is complete hogwash? Like any superstition, it has the power that you give it. This is just something else to add to the list. First, my weight was seen as a negative by men. Okay, fine. I can see that. But now I am being judged based on my own birthday? Something I have no control over at all? I mean, why get to know me at all? Shouldn't the zodiac tell you all you need to know? I just Googled the characteristics of a Capricorn, and it says that we are focused. That should tell you that the astrology doesn't astrologize with this thing. Anyone will tell you that I am panickingly all over the place! Anywho, like I said, he seems like a cool guy. I will keep you posted. 

App'ed

A few months ago, I thought that I was done with the dating apps because I had found such a great guy. A few weeks ago, I vowed to never go back on the app because I was so disappointed things didn't work out with the "great guy". Now I'm back out of sheer, old-fashioned desperation. This is the third time. Let's pray that three times really is a charm. 

Admittedly, things aren't going so well two days back. The first day I matched with a guy. We were having a good chat through the app before he asked, "What do I need to do to see what's under your dress?" I let him know I wasn't really looking for that. He apologized. I wished him well. Convo ended. Yesterday, I matched with this highly sexy man. We too had a great conversation until he started talking about sex. Oddly, he said he hadn't had sex in nine months. He was on some type of sex fast to clear his head that he's ready to break. This time I was sad. I didn't want our conversation to end, but I could feel the end coming. I let him know I wasn't sexually active. He then proceeded to tell me he didn't consider anal or oral sex "actual sex". I was dumbfounded!! How could he believe something so ridiculous at his big age?? Conversation ended. 

Sadly, I expect more of the same today. Each time I go back on the app, the men get more sexually assertive. I mean, does anyone want a relationship anymore or is that over? Maybe past a certain age, people have become so jaded by their horrible relationship experiences that they jump backward into some type of sexual default setting. My not being on board with this is proving to be a pretty large barrier for me. I wish it weren't this way, but I don't think I'm ready for a dating world where anal sex is considered as casual as a kiss. Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but that just feels like too much for me. 

Maybe the app gods will smile on me and send me an old-fashioned man who likes hand holding and Lifetime movies. Here's hoping! 

The Compliment Collector

I have to say, being on a plus size dating app is fun. It's nice to chat with men who are into me for a change. Plus, I am a sucker for a good story. So I love to hear the men talk about their jobs and past relationships. And, ashamedly, I love when they pay me compliments. When these guys message me sweet words about my smile, eyes, and figure, I light up like a Christmas tree! 

You see, in high school I could not have paid a guy to say I was pretty. Then, in college, I was overlooked for BEAUTIFUL thin girls that literally looked like models. I was also ignored. I could have done the banana dance in the middle of the cafe, and no man would have noticed. As a young adult, men who said nice things to me wanted sex or gas money. Finally, in middle aged, men are waking up to see what a dish I am. 

I wish I was one of these women who didn't need male validation and could solely exist off of my self esteem alone. But I'm not, so give me more compliments for 200 Alex! There are things I am admitting out loud at my big age. I like when men make me feel beautiful as pathetic as it is. I am hopeful that one day my confidence will be enough to get me through. It just won't be one day soon, lol. 

The Online Thing

Bells told me that she is thinking about doing online dating again, and she suggested that I do it as well. That was funny.
I told her what I tell anyone else who suggests that I, me, should go on any type of online dating platform: no.
And I was partially honest with her about why it just could never happen. If I went on one of these sites and actually met someone who would then become my boyfriend, I feel like I would abandon my goals and focus on being in love. Then, if he ever left me, I would be stuck with nothing to show for it.
"Do you think that would really happen?" she asked. She was skeptical.
The answer to that is absolutely. In the 8th grade, when I got a boyfriend, I was so busy talking to him on the cordless phone that my grades went from hot to a hot mess in less than a semester. And, believe it or not, I don't think I have changed that much since I was thirteen. I simply can not focus when attention and love are involved. These are both very addictive things for me, like Apple Snapple and the chocolate covered pretzels that I have in the freezer. Face it: I'm just not a boss that knows how to balance.
The other half of the reasoning is sad yet simple: what if no one likes me? I have dealt with rejection from men in real life. I don't want to have to deal with that online as well. In reality, you can always lie to yourself. Maybe you just haven't come across him yet. You can't do that online. There are thousands and thousands, maybe even millions, of desperate men online. If not even one of them was found by the cyber gods to match my values or characteristics, that would be devastating! If that happened to me, I may not try to date for a long time. And I am 32, okay? It's not like I have time to waist on the bench.
I guess online dating has a lot to do with taking chances and God knows I have never been good at that. Here's to hoping that I find a man naturally, like in the feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery store.

Introducing Curious George

So just when Sorta Beau wants to show out, I get revisited by T.
Who is T? Well, he's the guy that I was talking to two years ago that expressed his interest through a message on Myspace. If my memory serves me right, which it always does, he left me high and dry, just as we were getting close, by not answering my phone calls and ignoring me online.
Fast forward backwards to last week. I was bored and decided to check my Myspace page, which, in all honesty, I usually go for months without doing. Why? Well, it's deader than the once popular J. Lo sweatsuit, and has basically become a breeding ground for horny pre-teens; a Facebook for club promoters, wannabe rappers, and talent agencies. Yet, I go on there to update every now and again and low and behold, this time when I did it, I was welcomed by a two-month-old message from none other than T.
He says he wants to catch up...blah, blah...misses me...blah, blah. After a year in the Sorta death grip, I recognized his message as an attempt to try to obtain ass. He probably broke up with whoever he stopped talking to me for and needs a rebound. However, I remembered how cool we used to be- how he would call me when he got off work to ask me how my day at my internship had been. How we could talk for hours about the direction of Hip Hop. Call me stupid, but I did want to see how he was, even though, after looking through his pics, I was reacquainted with the fact that he bears a stunning resemblance to Curious George.
So tonight we talked. It was cool, although I have to say that from hello, I was not interested. He curses a lot and I can tell he doesn't know that he is doing it. He also finds the simplest thing I say funny, and uses up-north slang even though he is from North Carolina. I found him to be annoying, yet continued to talk to him, trying to rekindle something, as my mind screamed for me to hang up.
About ten minutes into the convo, he puts on his sexy voice and starts talking about how he had been thinking about me, and just knew I had been thinking of him (NOT) and regretted that we fell out of touch. He regretted it so much, in fact, that he suggested that we skip catching up too much and just schedule travel plans to meet up. Um...hello! Get a clue! Do I look like the jump off? He totally came at me sideways, and figured that since it was in his sexy voice, my panties would drop. Something tells me our reunion will be short-lived.