Let's Not Get Physical

I turned 39 the other day and I was excited to go to the aquarium with Bells who is in town for the holidays. I used to make it a point to go to the aquarium annually because it is free for your birthday, but I had not been in a couple of years. Outside of seeing Bells, I was excited about seeing the big turtle. I found out that his name is Tank and I like to see him slow drag across the water. Then my aunty asked me, "Are you going to be able to do all that walking?" I was offended at first. I mean, I'm not handicapped! But just then I remembered: it is a sh&tload of walking! 

Child.

When I tell you that my back was screaming before I even made it to the ticket line! I mean let's be clear: I am in no way delusional about how out of shape I am. Recently, walking through my alma mater's campus for homecoming had me on life support! However, a few years ago I was able to walk the aquarium while taking occasional breaks. The other day, if I could have copped a squat every three steps I would have. 

"Do you need one of those things the old people use?" Bells asked me. 

YES! I screamed in my head. "No, I'm going to walk it," I said, confidently. There was no way I was going to spend my 39th birthday, my last year of youth, being wheeled around the aquarium. I regretted that decision almost immediately. Who needs pride when you have lower back pain? During one of the exhibits, a man wheeled an elderly woman I assume was his mother right up to the tank to see the fish. Wow, she's living the life, I thought. The only issue is that she was like 100 and I technically am not even middle-aged yet. Ridiculous. 

Yall, we were there for hours. At one point, I was willing to throw myself in the Beluga tank if it meant that I could get some rest. On top of being tired and in pain, my anxiety was beginning to crank up. There were misbehaving, screaming children coming out of the ceiling! I imagined myself having to elbow crawl myself through the overpriced gift shop out to the curb to catch my Lyft. 

That didn't happen though. Bells and I left the aquarium and sat outside for a while, people watching and talking. Over 5000 steps later, I was mentally patting myself on the back. I did it! My whole body felt broken, but I did it! When I got home, I collapsed on to the floor of my room for what felt like a second but for what ended up being more than an hour. I did it, but I was celebrating a victory that shouldn't have even been a thing! 2025, I've got to do better. Like, I have to. 

 

Taking A Knee

By the grace of God, I have been an overweight person that never had issues with their knees...until recently. 

At the beginning of the year, I decided to become more active. I lounge around my house like a cat and move as little as possible. So, coupled with my meal prepping (which has been awful), I decided to try to be more mobile. BIG MISTAKE! Not long after this decision, my right knee started to act up. I feel like I'm having a flashback! During the pandemic, this Delta I went to college with who was way skinnier and healthier than me up and died out of nowhere. This scared me to the point that I vowed to do more water aerobics. After my first day back in the pool, I woke up the next day feeling like my right leg was about to pop off. I had pulled my hip flexor, and for months, I was hobbling around the house in tears. Since I am uninsured, I just tried to nurse myself back to health with a delicate mixture of Bio Freeze, Tigar Balm, a hot water bottle, and Ibuprofen. It was the worse time of my life. I am now seeing a pattern: exercise = injury. But I have to get moving, so I have just been dancing on my stomach while listening to bounce music with my FitBit on. Just so you know, twerking on your stomach to "Shake It Like A Dog" by Kane and Abel on repeat will burn you a good 500+ calories easy. 

Anywho, I do not do well with pain or discomfort. I have been sleeping extra still as to not upset my knee, which has been both painful and uncomfortable. 

Thinking back on how this all started, I have to blame my clumsy nephew. He came in my room to get something and fell on my already tweaking knee with the full force of his 50+ pounds. I screamed and he ran out of the room. Now, here we are. 

Luckily, I can still get up and move, but I do so slowly, scared to upset my knee, which is now running the show. I creep around my own knee like it's a sleeping baby. It really is tiresome and annoying. But at times like this I have been told it is best to count your blessings, which I'm scared to do. I don't want to injure a finger. 

Gym Part 1: Annoying

Yes, like all the rest of the losers that have an issue committing to goals in a real way, I started going to the gym again this year for 2020. If you would remember, I used to go religiously to do water aerobics, but when I went broke, my membership was the first thing to go. But I have now started going again. Don't worry, I'm still broke. My aunt got me a membership for Christmas and I am so stoked. As you should well know by now, I LOVE the water.
However, once I walked into the familiar doors of the gym, I immediately remembered the little things about the gym that irked me. Upon walking to the check-in counter, I turn to my left and see a girl drinking out of this outrageously large water bottle. And I'm thinking, how much water do you need to do an hours worth of donkey kicks while staring at yourself intensely in the mirror? On top of that, she had on one of those workout outfits intended to make you sweat more. She also had on insanely professional workout sneakers. I just wanted to scream, "This is your local gym, not the olympics, girlfriend!"
So, as I am checking in to the gym, the guy checking me in sees a friend. The convo went like this:

Check-in guy: "What's up bro?"

Friend: "Nothing. Can't believe it is Sunday." 

Check-in guy: "I know right. I am already planning my proteins for the week in my head."

Proteins for the week?? Can you be any more obnoxious than that? 

The icing on the cake were the people stretching in the designated little stretch area. They were twisting and turning while trying to maintain some semblance of sexiness. One sister was just sitting on the mat in a full split, staring into space. I wanted to tap her on her boney shoulder and tell her, "Hey, if you can hit a split...THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOUR TO EVEN BE HERE!"

A few things have changed since the last time I was there, the primary thing being that it is no longer tabu to take photos of yourself working out. I saw more cell phones on the workout floor than sweat rags. 

But the good thing is is that the pool, my old friend, has not changed. I did tricks in that pool like a professional cheerleader and had so much fun. This time, I will try my hardest to stick it out. 

20

I had to go to the doctor recently. I HATE going to the doctor. But I didn't have a choice! I needed more blood pressure medicine and, sadly, you can't buy it off the street.
I don't like going to the doctor for all of the usual, expected reasons. Fear of bad news. Cold doctor fingers. Fear of bad news.
Well, during my checkup I was informed of something unexpected and yes, even unbelievable. I have lost 20 pounds!
"What?" I asked the nurse, confused.
"You have lost 20 pounds since the last time you were here."
"Oh...What?" I asked again, not sure I understood what she was saying.
"You have lost weight," she said slowly.
"Oh." I still didn't get it.
It wasn't until the Lyft ride home that I understood the magnitude of what she had said. I. Me. I had lost weight! This is a big deal because I have never lost weight in my life! I have consistently been getting fatter since birth! I had actually begun to believe that I could not lose weight. I mean, I have joined gyms and drank smoothies. As a teen, I even flirted with anorexia and managed to gain weight! What would happen if I went 20 by 20 and began to lose hundreds of pounds?
Don't worry. I am still going to be your friend even though I am now skinny. I wish I could tell you that I lost 20 pounds with diet and exercise but sadly, it had more to do with stress and loneliness. Regardless, it is my 20 pounds and I am taking it like I can get it! How stressed and lonely do you guys think I would have to get to lose 200?

The Weightloss Post

Me and my trainer broke up.
It was mutual.
I asked her to start training me because she always works out and because she is a girl and my friend and I thought it would be a good fit. Wrong. As you probably have already figured out, it was me, not her.
We only worked out once, and the plan was to work out together once a week and then I work out the other two days on my own. She wrote me out a workout plan and everything. I was pretty stoked.
Then the storm came and I missed my second session. And yes, I am blaming the storm even though I didn't do my by myself exercises before it even came.
By my next session with my trainer, I hadn't worked out since my last session, which was two weeks before, and I also hadn't been chronicling what I was eating. I just totally failed.
So I had to have a heart to heart with my trainer who was doing me an enormo favor by even being willing to help me. I told her I was sad over this loss that I experienced and that I hadn't been doing anything that she'd asked and that I appreciated her but it wasn't her, it was me, and for real, it was me.
She then told me that she was planning to chat with me because she had a work thing that would be happening during our workout days and she wanted to know how we could possibly reschedule.
We walked away, promising to follow-up, like people in a breakup promise to stay friends. The only thing is that she still is my friend.
I am so mad at myself. It's like, I have no motivation. I'm so sad about the state of my weight and what it will take to get it off to do anything about it. It's just overwhelming.
But I have to get serious. The person that I lost in my life had heart issues, and that's something I don't want. I don't want to die.
Fingers crossed that I can see the light and get another trainer that won't end up having to dump me. This time next year, I want to be one of those annoying people on IG that takes selfies of their stomach and preps their food for the week.

How Annoying...

Yesterday I was at my neighborhood Wal-Mart, trying to balance pushing my cart through the pastry section while munching on a McDouble when a random woman shouted from over by the fruits, "Hey, where did I just see you at?!"
Everyone looked in her direction, but she pointed at me. Of course, this did not mean that Wal-Mart lost interest in the conversation.
"Umm..." I was lost. I had never seen this woman, dressed in a hot pink jumpsuit and Coach visor, in my life! Apparently, she knew me.
"Didn't you just leave the gym and now you are eating that? You are defeating the purpose!" she yelled to me, in front of a bunch of fellow shoppers. I shoved the burger in my mouth so I could adequately push the cart and hauled ass!
Earlier that day, at the gym, I decided to walk back and forth in the pool when I was approached by an old lady. She had on a floaty, a foam noodle, goggles, a swim cap, and those fish fin hand things, all to walk back and forth in 3 feet of water. She walks over to me, interrupting my groove, to tell me about a health fair she is putting on at the mall. "You should come!" she insists. "They are going to have free Diabetes screenings!"
Just when I thought there was no more room for any more annoying folks in the water, here came a woman I have affectionately named "Weavey." She claims to be a hairstylist, but whenever I see her, she has on a horrible hairpiece that is clearly ripping the hair from her temples. She also looks like the wife from The PJs. Anywho, she gets in the pool and the first thing out of her mouth is, "You have been going here so long! I would have expected you to be smaller by now." I put on my fake smile, the one where my teeth don't touch, as she goes on and on about how I would like the Adkins's Diet. She was on it years ago, lost 50 lbs, gained it back, now she is on it again. She had just started last week and had lost 3 whole pounds already!
Idiots, plain and simple.

Falling Off the Wagon

I am embarrassed to say this, but again I have strayed off my exercise regimen.
If I hated going to the gym before, I really hate it now. I go to the gym and every person who started off when I did is now ready for their after picture I suck on hot wing bones in the locker room stall.
Man, I am so disappointed in myself. I was so excited when I first started out, you know? Going everyday and cutting back on my snacks. Now I am lucky to go twice a week, and the other day I every so fatty like went through two containers of Keeblers like water. Ug, I was so disgusted in myself. I know that I have gained. I am not sure, because I do not weigh myself, but last year, at the BET Awards, the seats were just a bit uncomfortable. This year, the arm rests were eating at my sides so bad that I was almost in tears by the second performance!
This asshole I went to middle school with, Jamal Harris, he said during summer school one year, "It's not hard to loose weight. Just stop eating." What a prick! If it was only that easy. Sadly, I had guessed it was that easy myself.
Starting out, I thought I was different than the other large people working out around me. I figured it was all mental and I could kick the fat like a bad cold. Please. I have no self control! I give into all my cravings. I want to eat all the time, even when I am not hungry. This whole weight loss journey is starting to look hopeless. Man, this is depressing. I wish I had some ice cream.

Holly and the Margarita Man

So yesterday I went to the gym and actually worked out and may I tell you that I got my ass kicked on that treadmill? To punish myself, I walked at a higher speed than I usually do and on an incline. That will teach me to slack! As my friend Dizle would say, I've got to get back to the money.
So while I am sweating and looking my grossest, who walks over to my machine but Jail House Rock, the nickname I have affectionately given the super-tatted, super-muscular possible ex-con that I had developed a crush on at the gym.
As usual, we started our conversation on the topic of Yoga. This was fine, because as I spoke about cobras and downward dogs, I was building up to my big break. Long ago, I had decided to ask him out for Margaritas at my favorite watering hole and after talking to my buddy Brownie, I got the push I needed to ask him. I mean true enough, Brownie would talk me off a ledge if he thought there would be a mildly humorous outcome, but what are you gonna do? I needed someone to co-sign on this ridiculous idea.
Before I could even wet my lips to ask him he goes, "I don't know if my wife would even want me going to a Yoga class so early."
Once he said wife I just wanted him to go away. But he didn't of course. He went on to talk about his four kids, one being 21! I was thinking damn, how old are you brotha? And when did you have time to create all these kiddies and tie the knot while serving time?
Of course, he has never told me he went to jail. I just assumed he had, with the tats and the teardrops tattoed under his right eye. I don't know what disappointed me more: his having a family or he possibly not being the thug that I had painted him to be in my mind. I do this all the time with my wild imagination, create what people might be like based on their appearance. This idea is usually fantastical. Then, when I get to know them and they are not what I had dreamed them up to be, I am disappointed.
So long story short, another crush bites the dust. I'm not too sad though. I didn't really have the cash to splurge on Margaritas.

Taming the Beast

I am going to be honest with you and say that I have pretty much fallen off of my workout regimen. It was like I was afraid of my progress. Every time I stayed on the treadmill a minute longer or lifted a pound of extra weight on the arm curl I would reward myself by going to the pool...until all I was doing was going to the pool. What is the consequence of this? Well, besides feeling like crap and being disappointed with myself and having to get totally reacquainted with the equipment, I now have to see results in women who started working out at the same time as me that are now like 50lbs lighter. I hate not sticking to things.
So yesterday, I went to the gym and decided to workout for real for the first time in like two weeks. But I went there with one goal in mind: to do at least fifteen minutes on "the beast."
"The Beast" is the nickname that this beefed up lady that I met in the gym has nicknamed the Stair Master. She competes in fitness competitions and can stay on that thing for hours at a times at high speed, burning over 1,000 lbs. She filled my head with stories of being able to lose major weight in like two months if I got on the Stair Master instead of the treadmill. So I tried it once and fell off. Literally, I hit the floor from the top step. Luckily, my head landed on a stray yoga ball, or I probably would have cried.
Yesterday, I marched into the gym ready to get on "The Beast." This time, I was determined not to fall because there would have been a huge audience. So I asked one of the trainers, Ms. Bernice, to help me. No exaggeration: I was on the machine for a minute and forty-two seconds before I was pleading to get off. And in that minute, which was the hardest minute of my life, I burned 41 calories. I burn that in fifteen minutes on the treadmill! Clearly, taming the beast is the key to my workout...if I stick with it.
Why am I not at the gym right now? No good reason. I am sitting at home, eating Peanut Butter Cup Keebler Chips Deluxe Cookies, buy one get one free, with some cranberry juice. I felt so crappy about my crappy workout, I fell into bad, old habits. No worries. I will go tomorrow. Promise.