Taking a "Break"

Picture it: Thursday night in Downtown Atlanta. A very chic young reporter and her adorable BG buddy Chrissy were at an invite-only event at one of the city's newest, hottest salons for the revealing of a fashion line. Ahh, the first 20 minutes was a blast. We had Vodka cocktails and fancy chicken on a stick. It was lovely.
Well, one of the perks of the evening was free services, such as manicures and massages. If you did not know, I am a sucker for a message, so Chrissy and I sashayed over to the message area for some complimentary back rubs. Here is where the story goes South.
I looked down at the massage chair, which did not look like it could support a woman of my...my...magnitude. So I politely asked the masseuse if the chair was fat people friendly. What does that mean? For my weight-impaired friends, it means is the chair sturdy? Will it support me? And the masseuse said and I quote, "Of course! It is people friendly."
So I cop a squat on the chair and it felt study. So the masseuse begins to press down on my back...hard. He said I was tense, which was no surprise, and as I close my eyes to enjoy the message, the chair broke! It simply snapped beneath my weight. Broke. I felt bad because the free messages was a big part of the event, and I was only the second person he'd done. The night was still young!
With the speed of light, I apologized, grabbed Chrissy, tossed my empty cocktail cup, grabbed my gift bag, and bounced. And can I say that Chrissy was the perfect getaway driver? I jumped in the backseat and she hit the interstate with no questions asked.
So why did I leave? Well, as you can imagine, I was embarrassed. I just really wanted to go before word spread around the shindig that I was the one that broke the chair, and since no one had seen it happen, I couldn't think of a better time to leave. Might I add that being fat embarrassed is NOT my style, but the crowd was very to-do like. Those gay designers in leotards would have been relentless!
We were halfway to my house when Chrissy suggested I look in my bag and see if I had all my stuff. I am NOTORIOUS for leaving things, particularly my phone. So I check my bag and notice that I am missing my tape recorder. Not only did I have three interviews on it that I needed, but it also hat my name and job title recorded on it.
Hearing this, Chrissy busted a U-turn at Six Flags and we were headed back to Downtown. By the time we returned the venue was packed, so I was able to slip in and slip out, unnoticed. However, I had butterflies the whole time. I just knew that my face read, "I am the fat bitch that broke the chair! Point and laugh at me!"
Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened. In the 7th grade, I broke my stool in the orchestra. Sophomore year of college I went to church and sat in a pew, breaking it instantly. The summer before that, I went to my friend Chloe's house and broke one of her dinette chairs. However, I was not sad about that. She got it from Ikea, and we all know that their stuff is not sturdy. Now this.
What did I learn from this situation? Well, I learned that I can not ask if something is fat people friendly. I thought that this guy may have been on my wavelength, seeing that he wasn't small, but no. As a professional fatty, I have to look at the situation and assess the fat people friendliness of the situation myself.
I have heard many weightloss confessionals where fat folks have said that breaking a chair or something had them running to the gym. But since I am already there, there was only one place for Chrissy and I to go to end our evening. You guessed it, Krispy Kreme! There is no better way to end a FATastic night that with three hot original glazed.