Fat Burners

The other night I went to this really posh networking event in the city and it is just my luck that the few people that were friendly enough to network with me were in the fitness field.
The first chick, this really thin lady with big hair who was sucking down h'ors d'oeuvres like they were going out of style, gave me her card and wanted to know if I was interested in her working out with me. Now don't be mistaken- she is not a trainer. She is a lady who likes to work out. She considers herself a workout friend. So she goes, "Do you want to meet up and work out?" And I said, "Nope." Now yes, usually I am nicer to people who come up to me with this crap. But I feel like my stars and moons are realigning, because now they are just getting annoying. So she goes, "Why not?" And I go, "I don't want to." You should have seen her! She looked like she had been slapped!
Now, the next lady approached me with the same crap, but she was pushing fat burners. She has some type of fat burner company, and she saw me and just had to tell me about them. And, after seeing my face, she hurriedly told me she was afraid to approach me, but God led her to. Yes, she pulled the God card. The only reason why I didn't get angry is because she mentioned how she wanted to write a book and needed a ghostwriter, a gig I would be PERFECT for. She gave me two packs of fat burners. I tossed them, but I do hope she calls me about the book.

So here in Atlanta, a fellow fatty goes to get her toes done and when she goes to pay for her bill, she notices that she has bee charged $5 extra. She asks why, and they tell her it's because there is a fee for being fat. Apparently, overweight customers have been breaking their chairs and they are charging all the fatties $5 to go towards repairs. When the customer complained, they refunded her her $5, then told her not to come back. I don't know this lady, but I feel bad for her. I envision her having to debate the owner in front of other thin clients. This makes me sad, but it seems that being embarrassed is just another part of being Fat these days. Sigh.

Too Old For This

Today my Aunt told me I need to get back in the gym because my hips almost knocked over an empty Quicktrip cup in her car. Let me tell you a little story: I am so tired of people telling me what I need to do. I am not a baby. I am not a child. Dare I say, I don't need to do anything other than what my grown self wants to do. Capiche? Man, if only I was as thin as my patience.

The Sumo Plan

Yesterday, on the flight home from Miami, I was sooo tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. Besides being fun, my two-week work trip to L.A. and Miami was unbelievably draining. For the first time ever, I did not try to start a conversation with my seat partner. Instead, I plugged my earphones into my armrest and listened to classic rock.
Although I was half asleep, I noticed that my seat partner, and older Dominican man, was smiling at me. Not a flirty smile, but a friendly smile. I smiled back but as I said, I was not interested in talking.
For a split second I took off my earphones to tell the flight attendant what drink I wanted. This was Mr. Dominican's cue to start talking. He told me that once upon a time he used to be fat, and that now he is 200 lbs. He asked me how much I weighed, and, hesitant not to be rude to an elder, I told him I didn't know, which I don't. He then went on to estimate that I was twice his size, so I must be 400lbs. He asked me how old I was. I told him, and he told me he was in his 60s.
Silly of me to think that that was the end of it. Mr. Dominican went on to school me on the history of sumo wrestling! Did you know that yes, sumo wrestlers are huge, but once they retire, they immediately go on a strict diet? Do you know why? Well, according to Mr. Dominican, it is for the same reason that he lost weight and why I should: to have a better quality of life.
"You are young. If you lose weight, you will have a better quality of life," he assured me, leaning in close. "What? You have never thought of losing the weight?"
I looked in the eyes of this adorable old man and did not see cruelty. Although he was annoying, rude, intrusive, and out of line, I could tell he was not being mean...just old. So I smiled and put my hand on his and said, "No disrespect, but I am tired, and I don't want to talk about this."
"Oh, Ok," said Mr. Dominican, and that was that. Usually, I try to entertain other people's fat facts, but yesterday I was just not in the mood. Only mildly annoyed by this man, I allowed the music of Genesis to rock me to the sleep the rest of the flight back to Atlanta.

Yay L.A.!

So I am back to L.A. for this year's film festival. EXCITED! However, I have to say that I am annoyed by the Korean tourists in my hotel that look at me like I am the hugest person that they have ever seen, which may be true. When I get off the elevator, they stare at me with wide eyes and part like the Red Sea for me to pass by. They are speaking in a different language, but I know that they are commenting on me...because they are pointing! They were also watching me eat my cereal during breakfast. Tonight, when I go down to dinner, I am going to offer to let them squeeze my fat for a buck. I can use the extra dough.
Yesterday, when I was on the plane, I sat next to these cool drunk dudes from Louisiana. They slept for like 90% of the flight but when they woke up, they schooled me on The World Cup. Then, this random Hispanic older lady was walking to the bathroom, looked down at me, and tells me that she is "muy consada." I'm like, "I'm tired too" and she touched my face. Well, not so much touch, more like held. I know this sounds weird, but it felt nice. I thought she was going to kiss my forehead. She put me in mind of my grandma.

Um...no thank you.

OK, so today I was in the mall food court. I decided to get a Chic-Fil-A milkshake before heading downstairs to utilize my Lane Bryant coupons. Well, to get to The Chick I have to pass this Chinese food restaurant, you know, the kind that has the specials for like three or four meats with a side?
So anywho, I'm walking, looking fab in an adorable summer dress, when the kid working at the Chinese spot offers me a sample. I shake my head 'no' with an Oreo milkshake on the mind. Well, of course, that can't be right, a fat girl declining a sample. So he goes, "Try a sample?"and I am like, "Um...no thank you." He is like, "No, a sample," just in case I misunderstood. It was clear he had trouble believing that a gal my size would be declining free sweet meat on a toothpick. I shake my head no, and get in line at The Chic, only to turn around and see this kid right next to me, a tray of cocktail chicken strapped to his waist. "Sample," he says flatly, pointing the chicken square in my face. I snatch it out of his hand and eat it to avoid a scene, thinking that would satisfy his need for me to try is food, when he then starts rattling off the menu in The Chick line! "You can get three meats. Why are you over here? You can get three meats."
Luckily, his manager shouted for him to go back to his post. I calmly ordered my milkshake then continued my mission to The Lane. I went in the opposite direction, just in case he was thinking about chasing me down.

Apologize

Today I went to NY and Co. for their 50% off sale. I know that I can not fit the clothes, but they have some of the BEST accessories. As I fished through the faux pearls and diamondoid earrings, I noticed a woman come in with her two small sons. I really didn't pay them any mind. I was way too fixated on the cheap plastic jewelry.
"Ma, look at that big lady!" the smallest kid exclaimed, pointing at me.
I could feel the store freeze for a second, the other shoppers holding their breath to see how I was going to react. I pretended not to hear, trying a fake flower ring on my stubby finger. I am not new to this. Kids say rude stuff to me all the time. Seeing that I was not phased, the rest of the store went on with their lives.
Then, as I am going through a rack of headbands (my eye on this simple patent leather one) I see the little boy who had called me out standing right in front of me. His mother looked furious, he had been crying, and the other little boy looked bored.
"He said something very rude to you," the mom said. She yanked the boy's arm. "Apologize," she demanded in that low, robotic, angry mom voice.
I figured she had taken him out of the store to spank him. I could tell that everyone was staring.
"I'm sorry," he said softly.
I looked at his tear-stained face and runny nose and realized that we had one thing in common: his mother had just humiliated the both of us.

NY: Day 2: Part 1

I woke up, rolled over on my side, and smiled. I was in New York! Since graduation, I had been breaking my neck to get there, and there I was, in the middle of Chelsea, moments away from Time Square. I sat up straight in bed and stretched. That day was going to be a good day. I was in the city of dreams! Who cared about yesterday's dramas?
After getting dressed I decided to go get some lunch. I stopped at a Mexican restaurant where the burritos were almost $10. I stood, watching F.I.T. students scarf them down as I opted for the $5 chips and guacamole. I tried to maintain a smile, clutching my doggy bag of ten chips and 1/4 cup of gauc! I then went to Subway for a chicken sub, the meat being bland and dry.
That Monday it had rained, but Tuesday was beautiful. I couldn't help but smile at passersby, as they looked passed me or frowned like I had poop in my mouth. I have to say, after the 20th unreturned smile, my feelings were starting to get hurt! The people who did look my way looked terribly disgusted by my size, making sideways glances at my legs.
I went back to the room, ate the worst lunch of my life, then headed toward Bryant Park. I was given clear directions from the hostess at the hotel, only to be told by the subway worker that I was going the wrong way, only to get on the train and be told I was going in the opposite direction. So I got off the train and asked how to get to the other train just to run into three people who couldn't speak English. I have to say, this kicked me into annoyance mode.
As I climbed the steps of the subway, I was approached by a man who asked me how to get someplace. I let him know that I didn't know. He asked for my number. He didn't look crazy and was clean, so I gave it to him, only for him to begin calling me repeatedly ten minutes later. What can you expect from a man that called himself Mr. Smith because his first name was too hard to pronounce?

NY: Day 1

I am so happy to be writing you today, for on the plane to NY, I thought I was going to die! I could literally feel every gust of air that brushed against the plane. The lights were blinking on and off, and at one point, the plane felt like it had stopped midair! I would have kissed the ground when we landed...if it wasn't gross!
Upon arrival at Laguardia, I stood in line to use the two stall bathroom. Apparently, one woman had to go so bad that she felt it appropriate to unzip her paints in the line. Just my luck, I get to use the bathroom after The Incredible Shedding Woman. After thoroughly wiping the toilet, I could not help but to wonder if she had bothered to leave one pubic hair on her vag.
While trying to trek it to the hotel shuttle, some airport employee, whose job it is to direct people to the shuttles, stops me to say, "I'm not tryin' to be funny, but I don't think you should lose a damn ounce!" This guy is typical of men who find me attractive: African, short, and underweight. Eye roll. Then he goes on to quote his favorite comedian's line about "skinny bitches."
My ride on the shuttle from the airport was smooth until a fellow passenger and the driver got into a shouting match. Something about being afraid of getting charged twice.
While they yelled at each other, I found myself taken aback by the flashing lights of the city. How could something be so beautiful, while looking like it needed a thorough rinse? There was so much trash! And not litter, I mean huge bags!
Later that day, my homegirl invites me to go eat at her house. The catch: I have to take the subway. YUCK! The people who didn't look sick looked mean! With every cough and grunt, I could feel myself getting a temperature. The NY train system, although efficient, makes Marta, the Atlanta transit system, look like limo service.
On my way to the train, a street man told me I needed to lose weight...very loudly. He was selling belts out of a tattered luggage. I dodged into a Subway restaurant to avoid him and buy a tea, just to exit and run right into him face-to-face, yelling about how cute I was, but needed to "come down." He was willing to work out with me, he yelled in so many words. I ignored him, taking a sip of my tea, only to find that it was diet. Irony.
Today, I shall wonder the city. I shall let you know how that goes; what excitement I run into.

How Annoying...

Yesterday I was at my neighborhood Wal-Mart, trying to balance pushing my cart through the pastry section while munching on a McDouble when a random woman shouted from over by the fruits, "Hey, where did I just see you at?!"
Everyone looked in her direction, but she pointed at me. Of course, this did not mean that Wal-Mart lost interest in the conversation.
"Umm..." I was lost. I had never seen this woman, dressed in a hot pink jumpsuit and Coach visor, in my life! Apparently, she knew me.
"Didn't you just leave the gym and now you are eating that? You are defeating the purpose!" she yelled to me, in front of a bunch of fellow shoppers. I shoved the burger in my mouth so I could adequately push the cart and hauled ass!
Earlier that day, at the gym, I decided to walk back and forth in the pool when I was approached by an old lady. She had on a floaty, a foam noodle, goggles, a swim cap, and those fish fin hand things, all to walk back and forth in 3 feet of water. She walks over to me, interrupting my groove, to tell me about a health fair she is putting on at the mall. "You should come!" she insists. "They are going to have free Diabetes screenings!"
Just when I thought there was no more room for any more annoying folks in the water, here came a woman I have affectionately named "Weavey." She claims to be a hairstylist, but whenever I see her, she has on a horrible hairpiece that is clearly ripping the hair from her temples. She also looks like the wife from The PJs. Anywho, she gets in the pool and the first thing out of her mouth is, "You have been going here so long! I would have expected you to be smaller by now." I put on my fake smile, the one where my teeth don't touch, as she goes on and on about how I would like the Adkins's Diet. She was on it years ago, lost 50 lbs, gained it back, now she is on it again. She had just started last week and had lost 3 whole pounds already!
Idiots, plain and simple.