Ozemp- Not

Like every other fat person with so much as two nickels to rub together, I have started taking Ozempic. You have probably heard of it by now. Ozempic, and other drugs like it, have been coined as weight loss wonder drugs. They first became famous when celebs started taking them, losing A LOT of weight in what seemed like overnight. Then the common folks like myself got a hold of it and reported similar results. I have been taking it for two months. Still fat. 

I can't even quantify how horrified I'm going to be if I go down in history as the only person that didn't lose weight on this drug! Admittedly, I have not realistically managed my expectations. By November, I wanted to be able to show up at my homecoming in rain boots and a thong. It looks like I'll be arriving in a "slimming" and modest trapeze top and mom leggings. 

"Do you know what those celebrities did to get such crazy results from this drug?" my doctor exclaimed during our virtual visit. "They have trainers that work them out three hours a day. A nutritionist. A personal chef. They dont eat sugar or carbs. Not even a sweet potato!" She assured me that I was on track and would see results as my dose goes up. 🫤. We'll see. 

My therapist swears my face looks thinner. I just think she's saying that to encourage me so I don't quit. I also think she may have been thrown off by the shiny, silky new bonnet I wore to our last session. 

Fat has been on me like white on rice since I was a baby, literally. Many people in my life think I've never tried to lose weight but I have, I'm just not excited about admitting my failures. The summer I became a vegetarian I actually gained weight! Water aerobics classes. Sleeping a lot so I'm not awake to eat. Weight loss shakes. Skipping meals. I feel like if this doesn't work I'm doomed! Plus I'm scared that new health guy in office is coming for the fatsos next. I could spend the rest of my life in a chub work camp in the mountains, making flip flops in a room with no air conditioning. Lets hope it doesn't go that far. Lets hope this works. 

Gym Part 1: Annoying

Yes, like all the rest of the losers that have an issue committing to goals in a real way, I started going to the gym again this year for 2020. If you would remember, I used to go religiously to do water aerobics, but when I went broke, my membership was the first thing to go. But I have now started going again. Don't worry, I'm still broke. My aunt got me a membership for Christmas and I am so stoked. As you should well know by now, I LOVE the water.
However, once I walked into the familiar doors of the gym, I immediately remembered the little things about the gym that irked me. Upon walking to the check-in counter, I turn to my left and see a girl drinking out of this outrageously large water bottle. And I'm thinking, how much water do you need to do an hours worth of donkey kicks while staring at yourself intensely in the mirror? On top of that, she had on one of those workout outfits intended to make you sweat more. She also had on insanely professional workout sneakers. I just wanted to scream, "This is your local gym, not the olympics, girlfriend!"
So, as I am checking in to the gym, the guy checking me in sees a friend. The convo went like this:

Check-in guy: "What's up bro?"

Friend: "Nothing. Can't believe it is Sunday." 

Check-in guy: "I know right. I am already planning my proteins for the week in my head."

Proteins for the week?? Can you be any more obnoxious than that? 

The icing on the cake were the people stretching in the designated little stretch area. They were twisting and turning while trying to maintain some semblance of sexiness. One sister was just sitting on the mat in a full split, staring into space. I wanted to tap her on her boney shoulder and tell her, "Hey, if you can hit a split...THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOUR TO EVEN BE HERE!"

A few things have changed since the last time I was there, the primary thing being that it is no longer tabu to take photos of yourself working out. I saw more cell phones on the workout floor than sweat rags. 

But the good thing is is that the pool, my old friend, has not changed. I did tricks in that pool like a professional cheerleader and had so much fun. This time, I will try my hardest to stick it out. 

The Secret's in the Sleeve

Okay so here is the deal: I went to homecoming and saw that a lot of my friends had lost weight, and they looked FABULOUS! Then I came home and was informed that the word from the curb was that these chics had lost all this weight because they'd gotten the gastric sleeve. This was super shocking, seeing that the person who told me this had also gotten it done! For those of you who don't know, it's some procedure where they reduce the size of your stomach somehow. I have read up on it and I will be honest, I don't really understand the science of it all. But still, I was amazed by this news!
Then I went to IG and really began to investigate all of the weight loss bloggers that I really like and I now suspect that they are all sleeved as well. They are NEVER sweaty in those super cute gym pics. I felt duped!
So, confused and not sure how to feel about all of this, I referred to my moral compass: Haynes. I asked her if I should get the sleeve and she was all like I should do what will make me happy. Typical Haynes, encouraging me to think about my actions and how they affect me, as if that has ever worked! So I then went to Bells, who was all like do it!
Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm cheating, even though technically, if I went through with it, the only thing I would actually be cheating is an early death. But it is cheating, right? I don't like girl cheating, which is why I don't wear foundation when I need it or fake eyelashes even though my real lashes are embarrassingly short. I know, I know, I have a lot of nerve talking about cheating. I was the first one to take biotin tablets to make my hair grow. Then, when people asked me what I'd done it, I credited prayer and my Shea Butter regimen. But you have to understand, I was tired of being bald and wanted my hair to grow already, and I felt super pretty with longer hair. Maybe that is what it is about; not whether or not you are cheating but how the said cheating makes you feel. I mean, isn't it about your health and how you feel about yourself?
I wish I was friends with Donnalyn Perriwinkle. She girl cheated big time and got some very, VERY, VERY, very obvious breast implants. And anyone who would say that she doesn't look Tony the Tiger grrreeaattt is lying! She looks gorg, and I would like to ask her what made her decide to go through with it. Did it bother her that people would know that they weren't hers? How did she feel afterward?
Sadly, a matter such as whether or not to get a sleeve isn't a purely cosmetic one like whether or not to get implants. One could consider it a matter of life or death. And I really need to consider it, even thinking about it is putting my nerves to the test, a test that, if you weren't reading my every move, I would totally cheat on.

The Andre 3000 Theory

Sometimes when it's late at night
And you have no one to talk to
Here's what you do, you go through that 
Raggedy cell phone 'bout two or three times
Tracy ain't home, Tina ain't home
The love below starts talkin' to ya 
-"Vibrate" by Andre 3000
The Love Below album

Well ya'll, 2018 is right around the corner. I guess it's time for me to tell you guys all these pie in the sky resolutions that I've created for myself that will never be achieved, thus setting myself up to feel like a loser by Valentine's Day. NOT!
This year, I am taking some things I have learned from watching Aunty Iyanla Vanzant to fix my life. It is time to get down to brass tax. I only have two resolutions this year. On the physical end: to lose weight. I have shared my weight loss struggles with you before and worry not, there are many more posts to come outlining my addiction to sugar and my emotional eating. But here, I would like to focus on my emotional resolution: to clean house, starting with my phone.
If you all have been reading me for the past few years, you know that I have dealt with some real losers romantically. The teens I volunteer with tell me that they are now referred to as "f*%k boys". Let me just tell you, my phone is a Rolodex of "f*%k boys". And really good ones too: ones that have disrespected me to my face, stood me up, demanded sex, ignored my texts, and the list of hurt goes on and on and on. But here is the thing: I no longer talk to most of these men, but I still have their numbers. Why?
This is where Iyanla comes in. Last night, after everyone went to bed, I sat up in the dark, hearing Aunty Iyanla telling me to breathe it out and really think about this. And after a few rounds of deep breathing, I came to the painful realization: I have kept these numbers so I could feel like I had a man. So when I got lonely, I could have some options of some guys I could cake with. These numbers are just tools I have created to sit comfortably in my delusions. I don't have a boyfriend and that's okay. And it really needs to be okay because, let's be honest, I have other crap on my plate that more urgently needs my attention than being single. As far as the caking goes, I better learn how to give myself a hug, because allowing a man that doesn't care to fill my mind with lies to help me feel better for a moment just sets me back on my journey. These numbers are weights around my ankles that are keeping me from accepting reality. I am single. I am going to be 33 TOMORROW. This is life. This is reality. I have to sit in it and start doing my work. BOOM! That's what you call a breakthrough!
Let it rain, now clear it out.
So today, I am deleting a bunch of numbers. This is significant for me, showing myself that I, like Aunty Iyanla would say, am willing to start doing my work. This also means that the next time I am lonely I am going to start texting inappropriate things to my female best friends. This can open up a bunch of issues in my friendships, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.
Here's to 2018!!

It's Tea Time: Hyley's Tea Review

I love tea! It's no secret: I drink it every morning. So, imagine how excited I was when I got my Hyley's Tea in mail!

So far, my favorite teas are the Hyley's Sleep Teas in Mint and Chamomile, which can be purchased here for $5.99 a piece. I know that a lot of people drink their sleep teas at night, but I have a cup in the morning when I first get up as well as at night. The morning cup helps to calm me in order to prep for the day while my night cup, naturally, relaxes me to have a good night's rest. 

Hyley's also has Slim Teas in a variety of flavors. Their Slim Teas can be purchased here for $5.99 as well. Like a lot of women, I make a vow to lose weight every New Year's and end up falling flat by February. Hopefully, these Slim Teas can help. In combination with a healthy diet, the teas can help you lose weight. They are all natural and contain ingredients that help to boost your metabolism in order to shed pounds. The teas also help you cleanse and detox. Since I already love my daily cup of tea, adding this to my diet should help me FINALLY obtain some results. 

If you are not interested in the Sleep or Slim Teas, that is fine. Hyley's also has green, black, and wellness teas that may be more your style. View their tea collection here.

The Bounce Back

Trying to rededicate yourself to working out after you have fallen off the wagon and gotten ran over  by it is VERY hard. People always told me it was imperative to stick with it, now I see why. Starting over again sucks.
As you know, my last day at the gym was a COMPLETE nightmare. I will not lie. In typical Holly fashion I was prepared to give up and polish off the rest of my Halloween candy. But I didn't. I went to the gym with my aunt yesterday and took the AquaFit class, which is pretty much water aerobics. And no, you don't burn a lot of calories in the class. But it was more important for me to just be in the gym because if I didn't go again, I knew I wouldn't go again.
It was fun but I have obviously gained weight. My swimsuit cut across my ass like a G-string. I was fully aware of this before my aunt had to announce, "I think you have gained weight. It looked like you were wearing a thong."
But you know your girl Holls. Not even having my ass exposed will keep me out of the water.

Fat Burners

The other night I went to this really posh networking event in the city and it is just my luck that the few people that were friendly enough to network with me were in the fitness field.
The first chick, this really thin lady with big hair who was sucking down h'ors d'oeuvres like they were going out of style, gave me her card and wanted to know if I was interested in her working out with me. Now don't be mistaken- she is not a trainer. She is a lady who likes to work out. She considers herself a workout friend. So she goes, "Do you want to meet up and work out?" And I said, "Nope." Now yes, usually I am nicer to people who come up to me with this crap. But I feel like my stars and moons are realigning, because now they are just getting annoying. So she goes, "Why not?" And I go, "I don't want to." You should have seen her! She looked like she had been slapped!
Now, the next lady approached me with the same crap, but she was pushing fat burners. She has some type of fat burner company, and she saw me and just had to tell me about them. And, after seeing my face, she hurriedly told me she was afraid to approach me, but God led her to. Yes, she pulled the God card. The only reason why I didn't get angry is because she mentioned how she wanted to write a book and needed a ghostwriter, a gig I would be PERFECT for. She gave me two packs of fat burners. I tossed them, but I do hope she calls me about the book.

Too Old For This

Today my Aunt told me I need to get back in the gym because my hips almost knocked over an empty Quicktrip cup in her car. Let me tell you a little story: I am so tired of people telling me what I need to do. I am not a baby. I am not a child. Dare I say, I don't need to do anything other than what my grown self wants to do. Capiche? Man, if only I was as thin as my patience.

OA

"Have you ever thought of going to an Overeaters Anonymous class?"
I was about two seconds away from going to sleep in the hot tub at the gym. "What?"
"I go," the woman said, an older White woman with gray hair and distinct gray streaks in her eyebrows.
I was quiet. I did not know how to respond. I was more annoyed by her interrupting my sleep than I was that she asked me such a weird question.
"We have the classes every Sunday at 5pm at the hospital. It's free of charge. All they ask is that you maybe donate $2 so that they can continue to rent the room."
"Overeaters Anonymous," I repeated.
"Yes ma'am, I am an overeater," she said proudly.
"These meeting...will there be food?"
"No!" She laughed. I laughed. I was not offended by this woman, probably because I am an overeater and because old women have said more out of pocket things to me. Plus, she had a kind spirit.
She described the group to me, a bunch of fatties, former fatties, and binge eating, deathly thin people who come together once a week for support.
Right now, I am not really thinking about how I may benefit from this class. I am a writer. I am going for the cool stories I am going to hear. The man who overate as a kid because he was lonely. The lady that overeats because she can't get a date. I also can't wait to openly blame my mom for my fatness, something I have always wanted to do!
Yes, I think that this is going to be a fun and maybe even beneficial experience. I will keep you posted.

How Annoying...

Yesterday I was at my neighborhood Wal-Mart, trying to balance pushing my cart through the pastry section while munching on a McDouble when a random woman shouted from over by the fruits, "Hey, where did I just see you at?!"
Everyone looked in her direction, but she pointed at me. Of course, this did not mean that Wal-Mart lost interest in the conversation.
"Umm..." I was lost. I had never seen this woman, dressed in a hot pink jumpsuit and Coach visor, in my life! Apparently, she knew me.
"Didn't you just leave the gym and now you are eating that? You are defeating the purpose!" she yelled to me, in front of a bunch of fellow shoppers. I shoved the burger in my mouth so I could adequately push the cart and hauled ass!
Earlier that day, at the gym, I decided to walk back and forth in the pool when I was approached by an old lady. She had on a floaty, a foam noodle, goggles, a swim cap, and those fish fin hand things, all to walk back and forth in 3 feet of water. She walks over to me, interrupting my groove, to tell me about a health fair she is putting on at the mall. "You should come!" she insists. "They are going to have free Diabetes screenings!"
Just when I thought there was no more room for any more annoying folks in the water, here came a woman I have affectionately named "Weavey." She claims to be a hairstylist, but whenever I see her, she has on a horrible hairpiece that is clearly ripping the hair from her temples. She also looks like the wife from The PJs. Anywho, she gets in the pool and the first thing out of her mouth is, "You have been going here so long! I would have expected you to be smaller by now." I put on my fake smile, the one where my teeth don't touch, as she goes on and on about how I would like the Adkins's Diet. She was on it years ago, lost 50 lbs, gained it back, now she is on it again. She had just started last week and had lost 3 whole pounds already!
Idiots, plain and simple.

Gastric I'llpass

About three months ago I attended a fab dinner party at my gym friend Jasmine's house. She had invited a few friends over to celebrate her loosing 50lbs. She is from Florida, so there was TONS of island food, and can I just say, it all was delish!
Anywho, at this party, I met this very adorable big couple. The husband coached high school football and the wife was a pharmacist. They were both tall and both considerably large, but together, they were very electric and fun. Leaving the party, I was happy to have met them, particularly the wife. My sides were literally aching from laughing so hard at the colorful stories she told about her job.
Fast forward to late last week. Jasmine tells me after water aerobics that the wife, whose name I sadly don't know, has died from complications with her gastric bypass. Although I had only met her once, I found myself feeling really sad about the whole situation. Another sistah ends up biting the dust from dying to be thin.
Just in case you did not know let me inform you: I am THOROUGHLY against weight loss surgery. The only time I can sort of be for it is if you are so heavy that there is no way that you can exercise on your own to lose weight. The media loves to show you those stupid commercials with a woman in a bikini on one side of the screen and the uglier, fatter her on the right. Never have I seen a commercial that talked about the fatal side to getting such serious surgeries.
My mom had a friend when I was little whose complications caused by her stomach stapling had her feeding herself from a needle. A woman in the mall I once worked at got one of those stomach scrunchies and ended up almost completely losing control of her bowels, leaving embarrassing trails of diarrhea wherever she went. Then there was Tameka Raymond, Usher's wife, whose little weight loss procedure left her overseas getting correctional surgery. And who can forget Dr. West, Kanye's mommy, who's tummy tuck from hell sent her straight to the coffin.
When I was in high school, I remember walking out of the grocery store and being stopped by a random woman who asked me ever so inappropriately, "Girl, why don't you get a gastric?" All I could do was stare. That was back in the day when people's random remarks had the power to render me speechless. Then she goes on to say, "I got some insurance girl, and they are paying for the whole thing. You should look into that." She got really close to me, like it was a big secret. I could not pinpoint what annoyed me more: the fact that she thought I would be interested or the fact that she could not have been more than 30lbs overweight!
As I sit here eating some shrimp with broccoli and fried rice, I think of my married associate who wanted to lose weight in her thirties to enjoy life and become a mother. I wish she was still with us. First, I would ask her her name. Then, I would ask her if, looking back as a weightless angel, she felt the surgery was even worth it. I think we can figure out what her response would be.