Not Headed to the Chapel

A good friend of mine, Evan, is getting married next week.
Know that when I say this out loud, I say it while doing one of those tight, painful smiles where my teeth don't touch. My eyes are a little watery, and my nails are jammed in my thigh. Needless to say, I will not be attending the ceremony.
I would love to make this about the girl that he is marrying, but it is not. We attended college together and she is pretty cool. I would love to even make this about him. I had a HUGE crush on him in college that you could see from the moon. But, truth be told, I have not talked to him for over a year. He works two jobs and has a little girl now. I think about him, but my heart has made more useless crushes more pertinent, so it's not about him.
You see, I have a close girlfriend, Cassandra, that I call Peter Pan. I call her this, as you may have guessed, because she, in my opinion, refuses to grow up. She drags her feet setting career goals and she doesn't take a lot of things seriously that keep me awake at night with worry. Yet, when I see a friend of mine headed towards adulthood, particularly through marriage, I get edgy.
First off, marriage is so permanent. I know today people literally get divorced after a day or two, but the idea is still permanent. Permanence=Stability=Adulthood. What can I say? I'm an 80s baby. I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid. At 24, when the pressures of my life get to be too much, I just want to curl up in a ball next to my laptop and watch old episodes of "Dark Wing Duck" and "Wishbone."
I also don't like being left behind, which is how I feel when anyone I know takes a significant adult step. It's wack but true.
So, these reasons, finances, and the fact that it's another reminder that I am not progressing at the rate that I would like, is why I can not attend this wedding. Seeing my friends walk down the isle would just take too much out of me. I need all my energy to deal with the fact that, in a little over a month, I am turning 25. Again, tight smile.