I have been heavily utilizing the journal that FeFe got me for my bday.
Every day I write down my fears and anxieties- the things that keep me awake at night.
At the end of the day I read them and I am often amazed at how crazy they are.
Never the less, they are real to me.
Chronicaling them is helping me though. I don't feel like I am keeping my crazy a secret, lol, even though I am just telling a book.
Yes, this was a good bday present.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Going to the Date
Prepping for the date was a mess.
I decided to take a power nap after lunch, even though I have traditionally always gotten the itis. The only reason I woke up 15 minutes before it was time for me to catch the bus was because someone called me. Racing, I tried to put on my leggings, ripping a hole in the seam. I called Old Guy, resheduled the date for 30 minutes later, then ran out the door. Half way to the bus stop I remembered that I had not brushed my teeth or put on deodorant.
I missed my bus and had to take a cab. No cash on me, I had to stop at the ATM where I waited in line behind the slowest man in the world. He kept restarting his transaction, like he couldn't remember his code.
On the train ride to the coffee shop, I applied my makeup perfectly. My mascara made me look like I had Betty Boop lashes. This never happens! This was ruined when a man got on the train half way to the shop and sat infront of me. He smelled so much like DooDoo that it made my eyes water!
A stop away from the stop I needed to get off at, I decided to close my eyes and relax and get in date mode. This was interrupted by an elderly man with the world's last boom box blasting Woo Tang. Woo Tang! In Atlanta?
I must have looked nice, because the junkies on Peachtree Street were making inappropriate remarks. Crossing the street to the hotel where the coffee shop was located, one acted like he was going to come at me. I attempted to run (which I haven't done since I was 9) and almost got hit by a car.The driver called me names. Surprise.
I arrived to the coffee shop to find that it was closed. And that taking a cab had somehow made me ontime. I had to wait thirty minutes for the date.
I decided to take a power nap after lunch, even though I have traditionally always gotten the itis. The only reason I woke up 15 minutes before it was time for me to catch the bus was because someone called me. Racing, I tried to put on my leggings, ripping a hole in the seam. I called Old Guy, resheduled the date for 30 minutes later, then ran out the door. Half way to the bus stop I remembered that I had not brushed my teeth or put on deodorant.
I missed my bus and had to take a cab. No cash on me, I had to stop at the ATM where I waited in line behind the slowest man in the world. He kept restarting his transaction, like he couldn't remember his code.
On the train ride to the coffee shop, I applied my makeup perfectly. My mascara made me look like I had Betty Boop lashes. This never happens! This was ruined when a man got on the train half way to the shop and sat infront of me. He smelled so much like DooDoo that it made my eyes water!
A stop away from the stop I needed to get off at, I decided to close my eyes and relax and get in date mode. This was interrupted by an elderly man with the world's last boom box blasting Woo Tang. Woo Tang! In Atlanta?
I must have looked nice, because the junkies on Peachtree Street were making inappropriate remarks. Crossing the street to the hotel where the coffee shop was located, one acted like he was going to come at me. I attempted to run (which I haven't done since I was 9) and almost got hit by a car.The driver called me names. Surprise.
I arrived to the coffee shop to find that it was closed. And that taking a cab had somehow made me ontime. I had to wait thirty minutes for the date.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Free
I volunteer with a girl that I feel has never liked me. When I would walk in the door, she would either laugh at me or roll her eyes. I never took it too personally. She was like that with everyone.
Yesterday, while volunteering, I told her that she looked different. She did. She looked happy. And real happy, not happy because she was laughing at one of the other girls.
She told me that she had recently gone to church, and the minister asked her if she wanted to be free. And she said yes. And he told her that God knew about all the ratchet shit in her life, and he was with her. He understood her frustration, but he already had everything figured out. And she had to believe that to be free. So she said she did.That very night, her aunt pissed her off really badly. She describes her as a negative, awful woman that always has something to say who often makes her mad. But this time, it was so bad that she said she felt like killing someone. That is a pretty intense feeling to have at 15. Any who, she calmed down and remembered what her minister said and was calmed. So she says now she feels free. That was so refreshing to hear that I almost cried. This freedom idea sounds so...freeing. She is now forever changed because she knows God has her back. That makes me wonder about how open my life would be if I let some things go. If I could just kick my anxieties to the point that I at least wasn't scared that touching a doorknob would give me hand Herp.
Free.
How abstract.
Yesterday, while volunteering, I told her that she looked different. She did. She looked happy. And real happy, not happy because she was laughing at one of the other girls.
She told me that she had recently gone to church, and the minister asked her if she wanted to be free. And she said yes. And he told her that God knew about all the ratchet shit in her life, and he was with her. He understood her frustration, but he already had everything figured out. And she had to believe that to be free. So she said she did.That very night, her aunt pissed her off really badly. She describes her as a negative, awful woman that always has something to say who often makes her mad. But this time, it was so bad that she said she felt like killing someone. That is a pretty intense feeling to have at 15. Any who, she calmed down and remembered what her minister said and was calmed. So she says now she feels free. That was so refreshing to hear that I almost cried. This freedom idea sounds so...freeing. She is now forever changed because she knows God has her back. That makes me wonder about how open my life would be if I let some things go. If I could just kick my anxieties to the point that I at least wasn't scared that touching a doorknob would give me hand Herp.
Free.
How abstract.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Skinny
I met a man named Skinny on the bus.
I lied to him and told him I had a boyfriend, but we had a good conversation. The conversation was so good that I was kicking myself for lying to him when he got off the bus. He was cute and he was young. He said he had a kid, but what are you gonna do about that?
This is not the first time this has happened.
I cock block myself, lol, and I don't know why.
I think the biggest reason is because I am trying to make it in life and consider men a huge distraction that could set me back further than I already am. Do I have to remind you about married guy? If I hadn't been crying over him for a year and healing myself, who knows where I would be in life?
I have to keep reminding myself that I am young. If not now, when? Ideally, I would like to be a success, then seriously date, but who knows how long success is from now? My fear is that I will increasing gain success but continue to push guys back until I feel like I have made it. And the made its always say that they never feel like they have made it, like there is always more work to do.
I can't dwell on it, but I will try to do better with this is 2013. Try is the operative word.
I lied to him and told him I had a boyfriend, but we had a good conversation. The conversation was so good that I was kicking myself for lying to him when he got off the bus. He was cute and he was young. He said he had a kid, but what are you gonna do about that?
This is not the first time this has happened.
I cock block myself, lol, and I don't know why.
I think the biggest reason is because I am trying to make it in life and consider men a huge distraction that could set me back further than I already am. Do I have to remind you about married guy? If I hadn't been crying over him for a year and healing myself, who knows where I would be in life?
I have to keep reminding myself that I am young. If not now, when? Ideally, I would like to be a success, then seriously date, but who knows how long success is from now? My fear is that I will increasing gain success but continue to push guys back until I feel like I have made it. And the made its always say that they never feel like they have made it, like there is always more work to do.
I can't dwell on it, but I will try to do better with this is 2013. Try is the operative word.
Coffee Date
Friday I have an official date with Old Guy.
We are meeting for coffee.
I have been annoyed with him because he has rescheduled all of our "dates" to work. And when he calls me, he only calls me to tell me that he can't talk because he is tired or on his way somewhere.
When he called yesterday, I didn't want to answer but I did. He told me he was off Friday and wanted to meet up for coffee. I suggested a coffee place and he vetoed it, saying it wasn't a good place for him. This annoyed me. He's the guy, shouldn't he be making more effort? Anyway, we agreed on someplace and are planning to meet Friday. I will let you know how it goes or if it even happens.
We are meeting for coffee.
I have been annoyed with him because he has rescheduled all of our "dates" to work. And when he calls me, he only calls me to tell me that he can't talk because he is tired or on his way somewhere.
When he called yesterday, I didn't want to answer but I did. He told me he was off Friday and wanted to meet up for coffee. I suggested a coffee place and he vetoed it, saying it wasn't a good place for him. This annoyed me. He's the guy, shouldn't he be making more effort? Anyway, we agreed on someplace and are planning to meet Friday. I will let you know how it goes or if it even happens.
Jamal Harris
Yesterday I walked into CVS and saw a woman that I used to work with as a teen. I waived to her and she and the man in front of her waived back. I was confused, but immediately realized that the guy in front of her was Jamal Harris.
"Hi Jamal," I said flatly.
Jamal Harris is my LEAST favorite childhood bully. Outside of being mean and annoying, he was oversexed! He was 10 times more sexual than the average horny boy and got away with his nastiness because he was "cute."
Once a teenage Holly was sitting at the bus station and he walked up on her and flashed her his pubes.
This is what I thought as he had the AUDACITY to wave at me.
Men can be so brave, I wanted to claw his eyes out.
But one thing is for sure: if I am going to be running into childhood bullies from now on, I am going to need cuter clothes.
"Hi Jamal," I said flatly.
Jamal Harris is my LEAST favorite childhood bully. Outside of being mean and annoying, he was oversexed! He was 10 times more sexual than the average horny boy and got away with his nastiness because he was "cute."
Once a teenage Holly was sitting at the bus station and he walked up on her and flashed her his pubes.
This is what I thought as he had the AUDACITY to wave at me.
Men can be so brave, I wanted to claw his eyes out.
But one thing is for sure: if I am going to be running into childhood bullies from now on, I am going to need cuter clothes.
More Boy Dreams
Okay, so I had another dream, lol. Needless to say, I have been having restless sleep.
I had a dream that it was after Quinny's wedding, and all the guests at the wedding were on a big coach bus. Quinny and his wife had invited everyone from the wedding on their honeymoon, and we were taking a bus to a hotel.
I was really, really excited to be hanging with my homies. I was having fun on the bus and sitting behind Quinny. I kept plucking him in the back of the head though, but he wouldn't turn around.
Anyway, we get to this big hotel on top of a hill when I realize that I don't have any money! For some reason, I assumed that Quinny was paying for every one's room. So I go to the hotel lady and she informs me that I had to pay for my room. I start begging my friends to let me stay in their rooms, but they were all like no. Even Amber said no, and she is one of my besties.
All I had was enough money to get back on the coach bus. The only person I knew would let me stay with them was Quinny, but I couldn't find him.
When I woke up from this dream, I was hella scared I was broke, lol, and felt panicked. I literally woke up and reached for my purse! I don't know if this dream was a commentary on my finances or friendship with Quinny. Weird.
I had a dream that it was after Quinny's wedding, and all the guests at the wedding were on a big coach bus. Quinny and his wife had invited everyone from the wedding on their honeymoon, and we were taking a bus to a hotel.
I was really, really excited to be hanging with my homies. I was having fun on the bus and sitting behind Quinny. I kept plucking him in the back of the head though, but he wouldn't turn around.
Anyway, we get to this big hotel on top of a hill when I realize that I don't have any money! For some reason, I assumed that Quinny was paying for every one's room. So I go to the hotel lady and she informs me that I had to pay for my room. I start begging my friends to let me stay in their rooms, but they were all like no. Even Amber said no, and she is one of my besties.
All I had was enough money to get back on the coach bus. The only person I knew would let me stay with them was Quinny, but I couldn't find him.
When I woke up from this dream, I was hella scared I was broke, lol, and felt panicked. I literally woke up and reached for my purse! I don't know if this dream was a commentary on my finances or friendship with Quinny. Weird.
Friend Dumped Dreams
I have not spoken to Brownie in ages.
He sent me a happy birthday text that was hella simple. Something like happy birthday, merry Christmas. This is weird when you consider that I used to talk to him like all the time and he hadn't answered any of my texts since Miami.
I can't remember if I blogged about Miami, but the long and short of it was that after an hour with me, his fiance assumed we had boned and went ballistic and threatened to leave him.
It was ugly.
So the other night I had a dream that is still with me. I am not sure if it was a dream or a nightmare.
I had a dream that my mom drove me to a Christmas party and it was work for me. I was trying to get interviews while I was there. Suddenly, it was time for the food, and I got in line to get a plate. And who was in front of me talking to a group of guys but Brownie.
"Nigga where have you been?!" I demanded.
And he went ham. He started screaming, "You are not my wife! You are not my wife!"
And I was like, "I know!"
But no one heard me and everyone was starring. He kept saying it. So I ran outside to go home, but my mom had left the car and gone inside too pee. That was the end of the dream.
I don't really want to know what it means, lol.
He sent me a happy birthday text that was hella simple. Something like happy birthday, merry Christmas. This is weird when you consider that I used to talk to him like all the time and he hadn't answered any of my texts since Miami.
I can't remember if I blogged about Miami, but the long and short of it was that after an hour with me, his fiance assumed we had boned and went ballistic and threatened to leave him.
It was ugly.
So the other night I had a dream that is still with me. I am not sure if it was a dream or a nightmare.
I had a dream that my mom drove me to a Christmas party and it was work for me. I was trying to get interviews while I was there. Suddenly, it was time for the food, and I got in line to get a plate. And who was in front of me talking to a group of guys but Brownie.
"Nigga where have you been?!" I demanded.
And he went ham. He started screaming, "You are not my wife! You are not my wife!"
And I was like, "I know!"
But no one heard me and everyone was starring. He kept saying it. So I ran outside to go home, but my mom had left the car and gone inside too pee. That was the end of the dream.
I don't really want to know what it means, lol.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Progress
Today I bought the domain for my business website. Smiles all around! I keep going to the website eventhough there is nothing there, lol, but links. I am SO excited. It's only the first of the year, and I feel the progress.
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