Sugar Mama Era

My good girlfriend Leah called me last night to update me on her love life. She is currently dating a much younger man. She was actually dating two much younger men, but she had to let one of them go because they were not acting right. She texted me the young man's picture and he is handsome, but he also looks like a baby about the face. Listening to her talk about him, he sounded nice, but I don't think that going younger is my scene. If going to homecoming and being around the current students taught me anything, it is that I am old and do not find anything about the next generation relatable or attractive. I am a very low energy person and when I think of a younger man, I see him acting like my 5-year-old nephew, running around the house at full speed before he accidentally breaks something. And that sounds like a nightmare. I am broken enough. 

The Kicker

Have you noticed that people in relationships or in a marriage or partnership never encourage you to find a mate? I used to think that they all wanted to be a part of this exclusive club. Now I think that they are trying to warn single women to consider other options. I have told some people in my life that I want to have a boyfriend, and these have been their responses:

Friend 1: "Get a cat."

Friend 2: "Get a dog."

Friend 3: "Get real."

Friend 4: "Get one of those professional cuddle buddies you can pay by the hour."

Friend 5: "Get a weighted blanket."

Friend 5 was my favorite because she elaborated on her response. She has also been in a committed relationship for 300 years. She says, "Boyfriends are a lot of work." She seemed so exhausted when she said it that I thought she was going to drop to the floor and take a nap right then! "Like, a lot of work. But you can get a weighted blanket on Amazon!" She said it as if she was five minutes away from placing an order of her own. 

Candy is nothing if not proactive. She sent me the link to what I thought was a dating app for men who like fat chicks. It ended up being a Facebook group for bony men who like to see hearty women in lacey thongs. I have not worn a thong since my sophomore year in college, so I don't think that page is the space for me. 

So sadly, I think that this is going to be another cold, cuddle-less winter. I have no idea where to find a man, and I attempted to give myself a big hug and it hurt my back and shoulder. That weighted blanket may be the move though. I saw some very affordable options on Amazon. 

Stressed

Homecoming is over and it is now time to return to the disappointing garbage can fire that is my life. I have officially plunged into Post Traumatic Homecoming Syndrome. That is when I return home and realize, after spending the weekend fraternizing with doctors and pharmacists, that I am a loser. On top of this, I am so sleepy I cannot sleep. I babysat my 2-month-old niece that slept in 15-minute intervals before waking up screaming. I do believe that I am traumatized by my train ride to and from New Orleans. The ride was long, I was beyond uncomfortable, and an old drunk man flashed me his penis which was HORRIBLE! I won't even talk about my never-ending search for good, affordable healthcare.  I am anxious. My nerves are on end. I desire silence and solitude. On top of this, I want to drop my head into a cake. I need a shower. I have therapy tomorrow, thank God. Sleepy. Okay, bye. 

Homecoming Post 10 (Bonus)- The Gold and The Beautiful

Int. Bedroom of a Bayou Mansion- Night

HOLLY CLAY wakes up with a start in a beautifully decorated bedroom. She sits up, realizing that she is wearing a princess gown, think Tiana from The Princess and The Frog.

HOLLY

Where am I?

A grandfather clock strikes midnight in the corner. Holly gets up from the bed as there is a knock on the door. She races to the door and opens it to see CANE THE KAPPA on the porch. He is wearing a black and maroon suit and tails, and his hair is long, down to his waist.

HOLLY

Whoa. Did you get a relaxer?

CANE

I did. What do you think?

HOLLY

I can dig it daddy.

CANE

Good, because this Just for Me is just for you.

Cane enters the house as the chopped and screwed version of "Cupid" by 112 blares from someplace upstairs. He then begins to shimmy the 100 feet to the dining room. They have a seat at a long dining room table, think Beauty and the Beast.

HOLLY

Wow. This is gorgeous. I just...I don't know how I got here.

CANE

I guess the question is, how do any of us really get anywhere?

HOLLY

Uh...walking. Running. Skipping.

CANE

(tossing his outrageously long hair over his shoulder)

Or by floating on the wings of your love.

HOLLY

Ah Cane, that's so-

There is a loud knock on the front door.

HOLLY

Who the hell is it?!

Holly kicks off her crystal flats and slides to the door. She opens it to find CAPTAIN MORGAN.

HOLLY

Captain Morgan?! What do you want?

CAPTAIN MORGAN

Hey Holly. I just wanted to say that I am sorry.

HOLLY

Sorry for what?

CAPTAIN MORGAN

Nothing. I just heard that you like to hear men apologize for stuff.

HOLLY

True dat. But I'm in the middle of something here.

CAPTAIN MORGAN

Listen, I'm married. You don't know my wife, but just know that she's a baddie.

HOLLY

Of course.

CAPTAIN MORGAN

But I did want you to know that if I would have known your feelings for me your freshman year, I would have dropped that Miss Xavier and got with you.

HOLLY

No, you wouldn't have.

CAPTAIN MORGAN

No, I wouldn't have. But overlooking you was cold. Some may even say it was ice cold.

HOLLY

Alright. Okay. See you later bro.

Holly slams the door shut and races back to the dining room which has been transformed into a ballroom. Cane is twirling his kane to the slowed version of "Rain" by SWV. She steps on to the ballroom floor as diamonds begin to rain from the ceiling.

HOLLY

Diamonds!

CANE

Not just any diamonds. Kappa diamonds.

HOLLY

What is the difference between a real diamond and a Kappa diamond?

CANE

I don't know. What's the difference between a bad wig and a so-so sew-in?

HOLLY 

Can I touch your kane?

CANE

That depends. Are your hands clean?

HOLLY

As clean as they're gonna be.

The two race towards each other but stop midway as they hear "I'm in Love" by Ginuwine blaring from outside. Holly rushes to the window to see SPHINXIE VAN NO-STEP standing in the rain with a large boom box.

CANE

Man...you have a lot of dudes coming around here.

HOLLY

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I will get rid of him.

Holly walks out a side door and the bayou has been transformed into a desert. She reaches out her hand. Snow is falling.

HOLLY

Sphinxie, it's freezing!

SPHINXIE

Is it? I can't tell, I have an icebox where my heart used to be!

That's all for now

Homecoming Post 9: Cry Me a Gyna- The Girl and the Gyno pt. 3

I was really cranky after the event on the yard on Friday. I was hungry, tired, and just wanted to sit down somewhere. Yet this task was proving to be impossible because three of my requested ride share rides had either left me or dropped the ride. They all claimed that they could not find the University Center. On top of this, my sad excuse for a smart phone kept dying. My anxiety was high and I wanted to scream. Just as I opened my mouth to let out an earth-shaking holler, Happy Face and her friend were about to walk right past me. 

"Hey!" I said excitedly to Happy Face. "You are a gynecologist, right?"

"Yes," she answered, sweetly. It was then that I let out a diarrhetic spew of the nightmare that has been trying to find a good gyno in Atlanta. I especially filled her in on this last experience where the doctor threw out the words endometrial cancer without so much as a PAP or blood draw. I told her how she wanted to put me under anesthesia and give me an IUD. 

After going on and on and on with a dead phone in my hand and no way back home, I took a breath and said, "I just did not feel heard."

She rubbed my back and said, "I'm sorry. I can see you."

I was so appreciative I could have thrown myself around her ankles. If I could have taken my gyna and put it in a bag for her to take back to her hotel room to investigate I would have. Running into her was great, especially since I asked my primary care for a referral a month ago and still have not heard back. 

This is also a huge deal because I have spent my adult life trying to dodge Xavier doctors and pharmacists. I know about HIPPA and all of that, but I just imagine that they all do a Zoom call weekly and talk about all the gross medical issues their Xavierite patients have. And it's not just me. I knew someone that went to the drug store to get a morning after pill, saw the pharmacist was from Xavier and ran out of the store. That would have been my response.

But I won't be running from Happy Face. Fingers crossed that my visit, like the others I have had, won't be a complete disaster. 

Homecoming Post 8: Old- Treating HER-rectile Dysfunction

I just want you to know that this homecoming I had the best intentions. I was going to go to all of the events and take lots of pictures. I was going to twerk my away across every Xavier event! Spoiler alert: that did not happen. The first event I attended was on the yard on Friday. Getting out of my Uber, I had a strong urge to climb back in and go back to the Air B and B. Listening to the loud music and seeing the students bouncing around, I felt like I needed a good two-hour nap. After that, I was supposed to go to the day party, which I was actually excited about, but that plan got derailed after I ordered myself some Copeland's for dinner and decided to catch up on Grey's Anatomy. 

"So, you don't want to go to the club?" Big Homie Sans asked that Friday, disappointed. I snickered to myself. In college, I went out every weekend and didn't really want to go then, at 18! If Uber would have been around in 2003, I would have spent exactly five minutes at every party before returning back to the dorm to enjoy a hot shower with everyone gone. Looking at the party flyers with Big Homie Sans made me yawn. I'd have to get dressed and do my hair to go to said club, get a car and go to said club, stand in line at said club, try not to collapse from exhaustion at said club. God forbid I did a line dance. I just may have gone to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, used my clutch bag as a pillow, and turned in for the night. 

Saturday night I could tell that I had gotten on Big Homie Sans's nerves. I had promised to go to the club party that night but had again gotten sidetracked by Copeland's and news clips from CBS Mornings. She was amped up on energy drinks and ready to boogie, and I was full of Oreo cheesecake and ready to count sheep. Watching her put on her eye makeup, I did feel a little sad. She was so excited to party, and I had absolutely no desire to go out at all. All I could think of was those erectile dysfunction commercials where they are like, "Is your energy down? Is it hard for you to get excited? Are you disappointing the woman in your life?" I looked up at Big Homie Sans on the edge of the bed, pouting at me. "You may have erectile dysfunction." Maybe I have HER-rectile Dysfunction or She E.D. 

Or I am old. 

You have to remember that I was the only girl in my kindergarten class that carried a purse! The only girl in middle school whose grandma set her hair with foam rollers. Now I am 38 and put going out to a club and having fun with friends in the same basket as doing Crossfit or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Maybe next year I will buy an overpriced section at the club with bottle service so I can sit and tap my toes to the music. Just don't say a word if you notice that I am wearing a floor length nightgown and watching Murder She Wrote on my phone. Real change takes time. 

Homecoming Post 7: Tailgate Uncut

Do you all remember BET Uncut? That show that would come on late nights on BET that would show all the nasty, sexual music videos? Upon arriving at the tailgate, I swear to you, I thought that the whole thing may have been sponsored by BET Uncut! For those of you who have not been back to XU for the tailgate, let me prepare you: Norman C. Frances is gone, the nuns are dead, and these young XU undergrad girls have lost their minds! Last year, I was told that I was sounding like a disgruntled aunty because I was complaining about the turbo weaves, paste on edges, and wack-a-diddy false eyelashes. But this year- I could not believe my eyes! 

Okay, so I know that the girls dressed risqué when I was a student. But this new class of girls puts those old short-shorts and tight tops to shame. My aunt and I sat on the wall beside the tailgate people watching, and I am not even going to tell you how many whole, bare asses we saw. It was an asstastic mess! Remember back in the day, underboob was all the rage? I am not kidding when I say that these girls had their entire behinds exposed. If one of my Xavier brothers would have seen my whole butt as a kid in college, I would have died on the spot! Purple Reign sat beside me for a spell, watching the butt brigade go by. I told him if the girls would have been like this when we were in school, his penis would have exploded. He agreed. 

So apparently, a trend now is wearing tennis skirts that hike up in the back and show your behind. That might not have been so bad if any of the girls partaking in this trend would have bothered to put on underwear! Skintight leather shorts are also a look, but the look is only done correctly if your butt gobbles up the shorts almost entirely. The Gen Z girls love their thigh high cowboy boots which I must admit, were cute. However, hours twerking on concrete at the tailgate left many of the ladies hobbling out of the tents like they had just had a long night at the strip club. Purple Reign introduced me to a current professor at the school who said he was scared to go into the tents out of fear of seeing one of his students half naked! 

And it's not just the sweet petites showing their literal asses. I saw a lot of back fat and thigh dimples out there. I honestly can't tell if these girls have high self-esteem or have completely lost touch with reality. What I can say is that if I went to XU now, I'd be the belle of the ball! 

Brandon had a different perspective. He felt that that girls were only dressed this way to sell sex or to catch an old sugar daddy. I thought he was being ridiculous. Yes, the girls looked trashy, but these are also the doctors and pharmacists of the next generation! But sadly guys, he may have been right. Whenever I saw a fresh, young bottom twisting by, there was an elderly, thirsty Xavier man not too far behind it. 

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess I am a little bit of a disgruntled aunty. I want the young ladies to know that they are more than their bodies. At the very least, I want you to know what to pack if you come next year. 

Homecoming Post 6: The Engagement Arrangement

Don't let the smooth taste fool ya. Just because Xavier is a Catholic school, that does not mean that many of its grads are in conservative relationships. I mean, a lot of people are married or dating. Yet, the way it was explained to me by people with skin in the game, there are a lot of situationships, sortaships, quickieships. Child, there are a lot of ships and a lot of them sink! People are hooking up and getting down in these black and gold streets! I even wanted to interview this man I went to school with for my InstaLive who has an "unconventional marriage" with his wife. And by unconventional, I mean he and his wife allegedly come to the tailgate to pick up chicks! Folks are just creating the romantic relationships they want out here and I am trying not to hate about it. The longest relationship I have ever had is with this outdated, slow "smart"phone of mine. 

Enter Savannah. She and her partner Brandon have been in a relationship for about five years. They have kids. They live together. They go on date nights and throw birthday parties. They put together elaborate playscapes for their kids in the backyard. So, I was surprised when out of nowhere, she announced to me as I was sitting outside the tailgate, "I gave Brandon an ultimatum and told him that he needs to propose by the end of this year."

I turned to my aunty who was sitting right beside me and her face went completely blank, a talent that I have never been able to master. 

"Oh Savannah, that's not a good idea," I said, shaking my head. 

"I had to start pulling the Band-Aid off. If he doesn't do it, it's not like I'm going to leave."

I looked back to my aunt whose face was still blank. This was a bad idea. Ultimatums NOTORIOUSLY do not work! If anything, they make things worse and cause resentment and anger. I mean, we only need to look at the show The Ultimatum! No matter how sweetly you word the demand, someone ends up alone and embarrassed. 

So, I called Savannah to get permission to blog about this and to get some clarity on some things. She basically said that the whole thing was not as big as I was making it. So, I told her how an OG once told me: an ultimatum is much like a gun. If you are going to pull it out, you better be prepared to take action. You gotta be ready to stand on the demand. 

My stomach began to hurt even more on the situation when she told me that she meant by the end of this year, not next year. It's already November! My friend wants to be proposed to within two months! Had she not heard the word? These Xavier men will drag an engagement like a Newport! 

"He will do it if he loves me," she said confidently, right before we got off the phone. 

I hope he does. She deserves a ring. Anyway, there is no room in the Xavier dating pool for another relationship casualty. 

Homecoming Post 5: What Ever Happened to Nerdy Nadine? Another Drexel Wife Mystery

I have been to a few of these homecomings at this point and I am here to tell you that Xavier men marry two types of women: the ones that are very present, in your face, and attached at the hip or "The Caspers"- the ones that you know they married because you saw the pics on Instagram but you never see them in person or with them anywhere since. You need to know this to understand why I am concerned that Nerdy Nadine has gone ghost. 

Chocolate Chuck and Nerdy Nadine were an item all the while I was in school. They were a year ahead of me and ALWAYS together. Always. She had a claim on him that was very strong, considering that we were not that far removed from high school. They felt married even then. She was "nice" on the surface. But if you so much as looked at Chocolate Chuck for longer than she deemed appropriate, she would send dagger eyes at you from across the room. I have a few friends that thought he was cute in college and received the Artic shoulder from her. My homegirl Ditzy Diana said she actually hooked up with him and I feared for her safety. Nerdy Nadine was not f*&king around when it came to her man! She even tried to maintain this hold over him once he became Greek, which was sweet but about as fruitful as trying to collect water in a bucket with a hole in it. You see I knew something at 18 that she knew at 19 but was obviously choosing to ignore: Chocolate Chuck was slicker than Vaseline! It is one thing when a guy thinks he's slick. That can be...corrected. But when a guy actually is slick, it's a done deal. 

Following the Clues

It first became clear to me that something was up with Nerdy Nadine when Chocolate Chuck became a fixture on other people's IG pages going on trips and stuff without her. Then I ran into him at my 10-year reunion and he was shockingly solo. I very carefully approached him, not putting it past Nerdy Nadine to jump off the top of the University Center and take off my head, Kill Bill style. 

"Hey Chuck, where's Nadine?" I asked, looking over my shoulder. 

"She is at home with the kids," he said with that pretty, slick-ni*ga smile of his. Let me tell you, the only time I have actually been able to raise one eyebrow was after he said that. Recently, I saw him on IG at his frat brother's house looking gooooood topless poolside. I mean good, like Chic-Fil-A cookie good. The boy was serving body like cocktails! Now Nerdy Nadine and I were not friends in school, but I know she would have never allowed this! Purple Reign took a pic with him at homecoming. He brought up the case before I could even ask him about it. 

"I asked about Nerdy Nadine and he was very cryptic. He also was not wearing his ring," Purple Reign confirmed. "I think that they are divorced and co-parenting."

Maybe. But she is still in his IG photo, so I don't know. In my opinion, it is more likely that she is on an island with a lot of other Drexel wives, trying to get a phone signal. The world may never know. 

Homecoming Post 4: Justin Did Something to Deirdra

 "I don't like Justin," Big Homie Sans said, plopping belly first on the bed in my Air B and B. "Not after what happened with Deirdra."

I exhaled deeply, relieved. Deirdra had told someone other than me, hopefully closer to the time that everything went down. For a long time, I thought I may be the only person who knew, seeing that lips were really loose in college, and I never heard anyone mention anything. But it makes total sense. Deirdra was quiet and conservative and very easily shamed and embarrassed. I would not have put it past her to tell each of her friends just a little slice of what happened, leaving all of us unable to really say anything because we didn't have enough of the facts. The gist of what I could take away from the story was that, in short, Justin and done something to Deirdra. 

"Um, I'm pretty sure he is a sociopath," Big Homie Sans continued, flipping over on her back. 

This is possible. Big Homie Sans is nothing, nothing if not in tune with energies and spirits. She reads it all: auras, attitudes, faces, the room. Whatever! Thus is the case of Creole women who were raised by Creole women who were raised by Creole women who were raised by Creole women who were raised by Creole women who learned spirituality from stolen African women on the bayou. 

"I talked to him today in the UC. He is so funny and charming," I said, shaking my head. I wasn't excusing him, but I can tell why Deirdra had been intoxicated. 

"Most sociopaths are!" Big Homie Sans exclaimed. 

That night after she left, I continued to think about the situation, or at least, what I know of it. Deirdra and I lost contact a few years ago. I thought about how this was back in the early 2000s, not in this time after #MeToo and #TimesUp. People were not automatically prone to "believe women". And no one was talking about consent and sexual privacy and body autonomy and revenge porn. It just was not happening! And my sweet friend Deirdra had to approach the administration at a CATHOLIC university during this time? 

As for Justin, I am both disappointed in and confused by him. Even speaking with him at homecoming I wondered, who am I talking to here? Am I talking to a sexual deviant or someone who did something really bad when they were really young? Is 2004 Justin still chilling under his crisp button up, waiting for a chance to show up and show out? Is he apologetic? We will never know because I can never ask him. Yet even through million-dollar smiles and jokes, he will forever get a side eye from me. 

Homecoming Post 3: CC is Too Nice for DST (A Cute Story)

I ran into CC at homecoming! 

CC was my friend Singalong's roommate. I thought that they were the oddest pair because Singalong was older than her, wildly outspoken, and could be a little...harsh. Especially if she did not know you. CC, on the other hand, was kind and sweet and downright adorable! She had the most babydoll-esque face. But they got a long really well. I was excited to catch up with her at homecoming. She walked over to me with a friend who went to XU who I did not remember but who had one of the best twist outs I've ever seen! 

"You know Singalong predicted that you were on line but I didn't believe her," I told her on the side of the bookstore. "I told her you could never be a Delta because you are too nice." She thought that that was funny, which gave me permission to tell the story. 

The Story

I cannot remember why I went down to Singalong's room but if I know our friendship well enough, we were probably meeting up to get something to eat. I walked in to see her in thought on her bed. 

"What's wrong?" I asked her. 

"Nothing. I just think that CC is on line to be a Delta."

I laughed out loud. "Your roommate CC? That's impossible! She is way too nice for DST."

Singalong nodded, as if she had considered this, but she stood firm in her conclusion. 

"Why do you think this?" I asked, but I knew the answer. At that point, enough of our friends had crossed to know the signs. I didn't know CC that well, but I knew her enough that if she was on line, I felt like I would have picked up on it myself. "Wait. Isn't the neophyte show like a few days from now?" I asked. I had seen the flyers up. 

"Yep."

I laughed again. "Come on Singalong. If she were on line, she would be coming in under those hiatus Deltas, the ones that just got back after they were kicked off the yard. We know all of them! They would have turned her into a complete nightmare by now! She surely wouldn't be skipping around here, smiling and waving to folks."

Singalong nodded. I was making an excellent point. But years of watching Ghost Writer would not allow the case to be closed without the proper investigation. We were going to have to search her closet. Clearly, if she was on line, there would be some kind of coming out outfit, right? For the show?

I skimmed through the clothes in her closet. CC was nothing if not neat. All I saw were jeans and tops. Looking back, I don't know what I expected to see. An elephant costume? A white turtleneck with glow in the dark red triangles on it?

I took out a black suit with a red and white pinstripes on it. 

"See, all she has is church clothes in here!" We laughed and I put the suit back in her closet. A few days later, when she crossed DST, she wore that very same suit. 

"I'm sorry I went through your closet CC," I told her, like 15 years later last week. 

She shrugged and laughed. "I would not have known if you would not have just told me just now."

See? What did I tell you. Adorable! 

Homecoming Post 2: The Flash

Much like the Dodo bird, I do not fly to travel. Yet, much like a snob, I do not take the bus. I have hair- raising memories of taking the bus back to college of sticky, icky people sneezing on me. So, when I found out that the train was about the same price, cleaner, and more comfortable, I was sold. I have fond memories of getting on the train, going to sleep in a half-empty rail car, and waking up at my destination refreshed. Those memories have been crushed. 

I am not sure what possessed me and my aunt to take the train to New Orleans. I am guessing it was the $35 ticket both ways. For some reason, the ride there wasn't the quick shot to the NOLA that I remember it being. I felt every moment of that 10hr ride. Every. Moment. It was long and crowded. Between sitting across from the bathroom and getting a whiff whenever someone opened the door to the sound of hungry people biting into Doritos, this ride was no ice cream sundae. However, the cherry on top was a drunk, elderly man flashing me his placid penis.

The moment this guy got on the train, I knew that he was drunk. He kept getting up to pee and he was mumbling to himself. When that got old, he began walking up and down the train, just being annoying. I was watching a movie on my phone when he waved his hands at me to ask if the seat across from me was taken. I told him no and went back to my movie. I was beyond ready to get off the train and did not want to talk to him. 

That didn't stop him from talking though, even though he saw me with my earphones on. I just nodded and smiled, listening to the movie. I randomly turned to my side and saw him smiling at me, pointing at his penis with one hand and shaking it with the other one. 

"HE FLASHED ME!" I yelled. He then got up from his seat and ran to the back of the train and put a COVID mask on as a disguise. When the train attendant talked to him, he said he didn't flash me. He just thought that he had recently contracted crabs and was inspecting himself. 🙄

This is the 4th time in my life I have been flashed, which leads me to ask this: what do men see when they see their junk? Rainbows? Magic? Cookies? I just have to assume it's something that they think the world's women want to see, the way they can't wait to show them! 

This was Wednesday night. The tone for homecoming was officially set. 

Homecoming Post 1: The Legend of Sphinxie van No-Step

I am not going to lie: On Saturday, by the time I got to the homecoming tailgate, I was in a bit of a mood. I was hangry, my feet were hurting, and I could use a 6-hour nap. I also had on a jacket, and it was unexpectedly HOT. It was the type of heat that makes your eyeballs smoggy.

Why am I here? I asked myself, looking around at the boatloads of people that didn't seem to feel like they were in the devil's mouth. Even my aunty seemed oblivious, eagerly walking from tent to tent. I gotta go, I said to myself, turning on my heels. No sooner did I do that did I run into one of my favorite Alphas: Captain Morgan. This was interesting because the last time I remember seeing him was at my 10-year reunion. I walked over to give him a hug and he pulled me close whispering in my ear, "Don't say anything about the naked picture. My wife is here." That's a story for another time. He had also almost killed me three times in my early 20s. That's another-nother story for another-nother time. I'm not sure if his wife was there yesterday. The last person I remember him dating was that itsy-bitsy Miss Xavier with the big butt and smart mouth. We caught up for a hot second and he gave me a sweaty, alcoholy hug. God, his body felt strong. If my aunty had not come back over, I swear I would have bitten his neck. And if that would have happened, I'd be writing this from a self-imposed, overseas exile.

Once our convo was over, I told my aunty that I was ready to go. I was supposed to meet some people out there; however, being out there felt unbearable. So, I walked around a sea of middle-aged AKAs trying to do the latest line dance when I saw him: Sphinxie van No-Step!

No way! I said to myself. I swear to you, I manifested him! 

You see, my ability to develop a crush on Xavier men that have no idea who I am is legendary. I wish I could say that it was different with Sphinxie. Just recently, his picture had been posted on my friend's IG page and I messaged my friend Bell's hysterically. It's Sphinxie van No Step! I cried through the message. She replied quickly not missing a beat: My God! That brotha could not step. 

Until I saw him attempt to step, I had no idea that you could be Greek and not know how to. I figured if you didn't know how, you would be taught how. If this is the case, somehow Sphinxie slipped through the cracks. I stood in front of the University Center once and saw him and his line brothers performing in the tiny parking lot across the street from my dorm before a bunch of AKAs and doting girls. I mean, I was speechless. Never had I seen such jolty, uncoordinated movements in my life! With 50 AKAs clapping a rhythm to his ankles, he just couldn't get it. It looked like he was doing some ritualistic tribal dance. Aw, he's awkward, I thought, which made my heart smile. And you all know that once my heart starts smiling...

Then I got to know him briefly as the president of the NAACP. Little Miss Texas had invited me to a meeting only after explaining that I was not to humiliate her in any way. And I sat in that meeting watching him whisper in front of the classroom that he wanted everyone to quiet down so the meeting could start. No one was paying attention! Everyone was laughing and talking. I'm not even sure if they noticed him up there. Aw, he's soft spoken, I thought. Insert heart smile. Inevitably, Busty O'LoudMouth  busted into the room and yelled, "Hey, shut the hell up! Don't you see President Sphinxie is trying to start the meeting?!" It was so quiet you could hear a pen drop. 

My last crushable memory of Sphinxie was on a random New Orleans day. I remember thinking that if I had known I was going to run into him head-on, I wouldn't have dressed like an art teacher in a women's jail! I used to love tall tees and baggy jeans because I thought the look made me look thinner. It didn't. He looked up at me with those EYES, smiled with those TEETH, and waved. And I over-waved because I was probably more awkward than him! Aw, he's nice, I said, skipping to class. Heart Smile.